ME2:The Sequel that needed to be Parodied
by chapellefan
Summary: The only Mass Effect 2 Parody not in Script Format or staring a Mary Sue! Join Commander Shepard as he encounters new challenges such as annoying squad mates, ever persistent loyalty missions and the occasional love square!  Rated M for Mature.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** The Following is a non-profit fan parody. Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2 are copyrighted to Drew Karpyshyn, Casey Hudson, the Bioware corporation and the Bioware corporation. Please support the official release. This is not meant to any disrespect to other Mass Effect Parody "Mock Effect" by Mister Buch.

**A/N:** Now brought to you by Paragade! Paragade, the official sports drink for the morally ambiguous and the indecisive. Paragade! Now in new Strawberry flavor!

(Sold on all Fish Dog Food Factories, where available)

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied**

**Electronic Arts Presents**

**A Bioware Production**

Somewhere, far away from any Alliance vessel, there stood an exploding sun. In its orange beauty and red fire soothed and mystified anyone who dared look into it. One might ask 'who could afford such an extravagant and expensive lava lamp'? And thus the story of our tale begins.

"Shepard did everything right. More than we could've hoped for" A brunette in a skin tight suit reported. "Saving the Citadel, even saving the Council! Humanity now has the trust of the entire galaxy! But still, it's not enough."

"Humans may have the aliens' trust," the man holding the drink and cigar said. "But Shepard remains our best hope."

The woman finally emerged through the transparent screens. "But they're sending him to fight Geth. Geth! We both know they're not the real threat. The Reapers are still out there."

The man takes a long drag from his cigar. "And it's up to us to stop them."

"The Council will never trust Cerberus. They'll never accept out help, even after everything humanity has accomplished. But Shepard, they'll follow him. He's a hero, a bloody icon. But he's just one man. If we lose Shepard, humanity might well follow."

"Then see to it that we don't lose him. That didn't sound too ominous, did it?"

"Oh, what could happen?" The pretty brunette shrugged.

* * *

_One month after the devastating Geth Attack on the Citadel, the galactic community struggles to rebuild._

_The Alliance fleet made a tremendous, albeit foolish, sacrifice to save the Citadel Council and earned humanity membership in their pretentious group. Now the Council is forced to respond to that the Reapers- giant robot cockroaches that wiped out all 'meatbags' 50,000 years ago-have returned. To quell these rumors and to further show that no politician doesn't have a head up their respective asses, the Council has sent Commander Shepard to wipe out the last pockets of Geth resistance. Officially, they blame their invasion on the Geth and their leader, a rogue Spectre._

_On the way back from an 'important' mission…_

"Did everyone have a fun time at Disneyworld?" Commander Shepard of the Normandy said as the rest of the crew bustled through their duties.

"That human food was overpriced!" The Krogan Wrex said, wearing his mouse ear hat. "Still, I could appreciate human stupidity on that Epcot center."

"Hmm, needed more explosions," The Turian Officer Garrus replied. "Simulated violence just doesn't do it for me anymore.

"Commander," Navigator Pressley said "I think we should be more concerned about the parking here! We've been up this lot for 3 hours now are we can't find any sign of Geth or the exit!"

"3 Alliance Ships went missing here." Joker said, calculating the course trajectory.

"My money's on Slavers. They're all over these human amusement parts."

"Picking something on our long range scanners." A random, redhead officer said, whose name is never officially told. Honestly, could there be any more indication that this woman will die in the next 2 minutes? "Looks like they're following us pretty closely."

"Dammit!" Pressley said. "I hate these tailgaters. Tell those idiots to go around!"

"It's not inconsiderate motorists!" Joker said, realizing what was happening all too quickly. "Brace of evasive maneuvers!"

However, the enemy ship fired a powerful laser, hitting the side of the Normandy and thus killing Pressley.

"Pressley!" the unknown woman said, shortly before she was killed by an explosion.

Joker quickly took command of the ship. "Somebody close those hull breaches. Weapons off-line. Somebody get those flaming corpses out!"

As explosions quickly detonated and killed random NPC's around them, a lone squadmate raced against the fleeing crew to meet a lone figure, coincidentally putting on his helmet.

"Shepard!" Ashely Williams cried out.

"Love interest! I mean- Ash! I just sent the distress beacon. What's the situation?"

"Most of the crew is being evacuated. Even those below the elevator, oddly enough. Will the Alliance get here in time?"

Shepard was interrupted by a random explosion, as he gained a fire extinguisher and started to dose the fires around him.

"Part of me thinks you should start getting comfortable seeing the inside of an escape pod."

Ash, quickly turned again to Shepard. "Joker's still on board. He won't abandon the Normandy. I'm not leaving, either."

"No, I'll get Joker out to safety. You get the rest of the crew, and pray that the Alliance gets here in time. We'll meet up later!"

As Ashley hesitated to leave the brig, Shepard turned to his lover.

"No matter what happens, Ash, we'll always have Space Mountain!"

There, Shepard finally took control and charged his way through the fires. Wires were hanging out. Corpses littered the deck. The alert changed from Defcon Michael Bay's Armaggedon to Defcon Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor. He acted quickly, going up the stairs and opening the lock. As the air was sucked out of the room, Shepard was forced to endure a ponderous, slow walk towards the pilot's seat. And while he appreciated the open view of the moon, he couldn't help but lose interest in it for the 5 minutes he was walking.

When he finally made it to the brig, he found Joker, still seated in the pilot's seat.

"Joker, we need to GTFO! Now!"

"No!" The stubborn pilot said. "I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!"

"Joker! The enemies just gave us a new sunroof… in Space! I think the Alliance will buy us a new top-of-the-line private frigate with Stealth systems. Now, let's go!"

"No, I- Oh no! They're coming around for another attack!"

Surely enough, the enemy ship did. There its powerful laser tore through the Normandy's defenses faster than a newlywed couple tearing clothes after the ceremony. Shepard witnessed in horror as the laser seemingly consumed everything in its path. Thus he quickly went towards Joker.

"Activate Kung-Fu grip!"

"Ow!" Joker complained, but Shepard didn't listen. He hastily dragged the both of them to the nearest escape pod. However, just when Shepard though he was in the clear, the laser tore through the Normandy, thus sucking towards the deep vacuum of space.

"Shepard!" Joker said, but it was too late. As his escape pod launched, the Normandy was no more as it blew up in several places.

Shepard watched from a distance, only to realize that the oxygen was slowly being sucked out of his suit.

"No! Dying… can't… breathe. Must… make… one more reference. Last time… I was suffocating… was… during… Zack Snyder's Watchmen!"

And with that, Commander Shepard, savior of humanity, slowly faded towards the planet surface below…

**Mass Effect 2**

However, not all was lost! Shortly after, tubes were inserted in the Commander's veins. A strange liquid was inserted into him. Various mechanisms were inserted into him. That song from 'Boogie Nights' was jammed through his ears.

"Commander Shepard's body has been recovered. The Lazarus Project can begin."

And so, after a long strenuous 2 years, eyes that should've been shut forever began to reawaken.

"Miranda, something's wrong!" A voice sounding like Steven Jay Blum said. "I'm picking up vital signs."

"Impossible!" The Brunette in the rather revealing suit said. "He's supposed to be asleep. Check your calculations. Give him another sedative."

There, the woman bent down and turned to the Commander.

"Shepard, stay calm. We're almost finished."

"ZOMG, Miranda! Brain activity's off the charts."

"I said give him another sedative!" The brunette cried out.

Just as the Commander was about to awaken, he slowly fell back to a deep slumber.

* * *

_Moments later…_

Gunfire filled the screen. Something had clearly gone wrong, and there was only one thing Miranda could do about it.

"Shepard! Shepard, get up! This tutorial's under attack!"

"Bad pie. Bad pie." Shepard mumbled, unwilling to get out of bed.

"Shepard! Can you hear me?" Miranda said over the loud speaker.

"Hmm. Gandhi, be a pal and hand me another martini." He smirked, still asleep.

"Get the Hell up, Shepard!"

"Huh? Zuh? What the-" The male woke up only to see the station was, in deed, under attack.

"Quick, there's no time! Get to the med bay locker and get your armor and a pistol."

Almost immediately, the Commander was greeted by an orange arrow pointing him in the right direction as well as strange instructions concerning a control stick.

"How are you doing that?" He asked.

"Doing what?" Miranda cried out, clearly not in the mood to explain things.

"Those pop-ups telling me what to do. How are you doing that?"

"It's the future and we're in space. How am I 'not' doing that? Just grab the materials!"

As he grudgingly did so, it came to his dismay that the screen next to him informed him of a rather unfortunate fate.

"Level 3? Are you kidding me? After I completed the Insanity run? And why isn't this gun overheating as usual?"

"It's a medbay and- Dammit! Shepard, that crate's going to explode! Get behind that chest-high transparent glass."

Shepard looked at it suspiciously. "It doesn't look that bad, actually. I think I can just wait it out-"

"I SAID, get behind the chest-high glass!" She barked at him.

"Alright, alright! Bossy tutorial voice, telling me what to do." So Shepard ducked behind the glass, waited for the container to explode and proceeded on his way.

"Try to find a thermal clip for your pistol." Miranda continued saying.

When he did manage to find a clip on the floor, he was greeted by a rather unfamiliar message stating that he should 'press X to reload'.

He stared at the clip, then at the pistol, then at the clip as a sign of disbelief.

"Wow, I've been asleep longer than I thought."

"Shepard!" Miranda cried.

"Right! Shooting things!" He quickly reloaded his pistol and ducked behind cover.

"Shepard, look out! Those mechs are trying to kill you!"

"Really? As opposed to the mechs that try to give me a hug?" He replied as he shot one of the LOL mechs down. He continued forward, shooting mechs and grabbing the new ammo clips on the floor. As he continued, through the tutorial level, he stood in shock as several guards were mowed to death, violently by a giant robot.

"Shepard, keep moving, we need you alive!"

"But those poor NPC's!" Shepard cried.

"They don't matter! Now, move! There should be a grenade launcher on the floor, pick it up!"

"Ooooh! Explosive…" He smiled as he lifted the new weapon to his side.

"Here come the mechs! Fire when you-" Miranda was quickly cut off when Shepard had already disposed of the mechs, quite easily.

"Shepard, take the elevator down and run through the fire. Run, I say!" He does so without hesitation, and quickly makes it out to the other side.

"You're doing great, Shepard! Now just, dammit! The Mechs are here! I have to- stop touching me there!" The voice cuts off, as Shepard slowly makes his way through the facility. There, he opened a door, seeing a black officer shooting the mechs. Shepard quickly took cover by his side.

"What are you doing here?" He asked. "Things must be bad if Miranda has you running around."

"Excuse sir, could explain what's going on? Not that I don't mind all this, but I'd prefer a little context as to what we're doing."

"Fair enough!" The officer said, giving a headshot to one of the LOL mechs. "You and your ship were attacked. You didn't survive. We've been spending the last 2 years bringing you back. Welcome back to your life!"

Shepard was shocked. He tried to shake off his disbelief, but couldn't.

"2 years? That's unbelievable. That's enough time for Michael Bay to ruin a semi-decent franchise. Or for M. Night Shyamalan to kill a franchise from the start. **Or both.**"

The Officer shrugged. "Sorry to say, yes and, Dear Lord yes."

"Well, at least the Last Airbender movie did okay, right? I mean, it could've have been so bad as that it was worse than anything Michael Bay could dish out, right? Right?"

The Officer said nothing, simply grimacing.

"Excuse me for a moment." Shepard said, aiming his pistol. "Damn youse, Paramount Executives! This is what you get for letting the director of 'The Happening' have his way! This is what you get!"

By the end, Shepard had successfully shot down all the enemies.

"Wow, I didn't even have to use all my biotics. Is there anything else you need to know? I'm here to provide exposition."

Shepard recounted his thoughts. "Okay, my ship was attacked, I was brought back. How?"

"The Lazarus Project equipped you with lots of cybernetics and equipment. The Project Leader, Miranda worked for 2 whole years to get you fixed."

"Did my team make it?"

"Almost everybody survived the attack. The Turian without a cause, the disgruntled Krogan, the Quarian and the Asari alternate love interest made it out alive. A few servicemen waiting for the Elevator didn't make it though. Still, most of them left the Alliance after that."

"Alright then, we should-"

"Check, check! Is anyone still there?" A voice came out.

"Wilson? I'm here with Commander Shepard."

"Wha- Shepard's alive? Umm… quick! Mechs are all over the place, you have to help me!"

The Officer nodded. "Hold on, Wilson, we're coming!"

"Assuming you don't want to be called 'Expositional African-American', what's your name?" Shepard asked.

"Jacob Taylor."

Shepard couldn't help but snort out a laugh. "Jacob Taylor, Ha ha! That's a good one. What was Edward Pattinson taken? No, seriously what's your name?"

The frown on Jacob's face was clear indication what he was not, in fact, making a joke.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to- Gosh, it must be hell trying to google yourself."

Jacob scoffed. "Oh, you have no idea. Now, let's find Wilson."

As the two headed further through the Tutorial, they were met with more mechs.

"Wilson! The Facility's crawling with those mechs!" Jacob cried out, firing his pistol.

"The whole station is crawling with those mechs. Umm… Oh no! I think one of them found me!" Shortly after, a gunshot could be heard through the intercom. "Oww! Dammit! I think it hit a bone!"

"Wilson! Are you okay?" Jacob asked.

"Umm… Yes! I was just shot by one of those mechs. Quite badly, ow!"

"Hold on, we just need to take care of these enemies. Where are you?"

"Server room B! Hurry!" Shortly after, the two character easily dispatch through the mechs only to find Wilson, laying on the floor.

"Hey! Thanks for coming. One of the mechs shot me." Wilson said.

"Kinda steep angle for a gunshot wound."

Wilson shifts his eyes quickly. "Umm… yeah. It… uh, ricocheted and hit me weird."

Jacob looked around. "Speaking of which, where are the mech bodies?"

"Umm… Look! I'm dying! Use some Deus Ex Machina Medi-gel to heal me!"

Shepard does so, getting Wilson up on his feet.

"Thanks, Shepard. Didn't think you'd be the one saving my life."

"Okay, we have Expositional Jacob, and random guy with Steven Jay Blum's voice. Let's get Pretty Tutorial lady here and leave!"

"No, leave her! The mechs were all over that place. Besides, don't you think it was a little too convenient that Miranda is away from all this?" Wilson suggested.

"Well, that's impossible since The Lazarus Project was her experiment."

Shepard chimed in. "We should also note that she did give me helpful tutorial advice that would've normally taken me 5 minutes to figure out."

"Alright, fine! Maybe she's not a traitor. Still, let's head towards the escape pods. Those Mechs might be too much for Miranda!"

However, many more mechs ambush their position.

"Quick, Shepard! Use my Overload skill!" Wilson cried out.

Shepard does so, causing all the mechs to explode behind the crate. How very convenient.

"Alright, Shepard. This is getting tense!" Jacob said.

"It is?" The Commander said.

"If I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?"

"I was under the assumption that I already did. But, okay. Who do you work for?"

Jacob sighed. "The Lazarus Project is a part of… Cereberus!"

Shepard scratched his head. "Who?"

"Umm… they're a special organization that promotes human interests and…"

"Oh, wait! Now I remember! You're the guys who led those marines to that Thresher Maw!"

"Yes, well-"

"And killed Admiral Kahoku!"

"Well, that was-"

"And experimented on those Husks!"

Jacob raised his hand. "Okay, look. I'm not saying Cerberus is completely innocent. But you do owe them your life. The Illusive Man, the one who's in charge, made specifically sure you made it out."

Shepard shook his head. "You guys may have resurrected me, but I don't work with terrorist! Especially those that make me drive that godforsaken Mako!"

"You'll have to tell him that yourself. For now, let's get to the shuttle bay!"

After wiping out several other mechs, the crew finally made it out to the docking bay.

Wilson quickly tried to get the doors open. "The shuttle's just right here. We can make it-"

He, however, was cut off by Miranda, the tutorial voice.

"Miranda? But you're supposed to be-"

She quickly silences Wilson with a gunshot to the neck.

"Dead?"

"Miranda, what are you doing?" Jacob cried, looking Wilson's dead corpse.

"My job. He betrayed us, killed my staff. He would've killed you too."

"But Miranda, what if you're wrong?"

"Silly Jacob. **I'm never wrong.**"

Shepard eyed her suspiciously. "Oookay… Where were you during the attack?"

"Wilson sent a score of mechs to grope me. Luckily, my celebrity voice status got me out alive. I got here as soon as I could. Though a little too soon, if you ask Wilson."

Jacob asked, "Do you think Wilson's capable of that?"

Miranda slowly looks as Wilson and slowly addresses Jacob. "**Not anymore…**"

Shepard scratched his head. "Okay, if you say so. What's next?"

Miranda flipped her long, wavy hair. "We take this shuttle. My boss wants to speak with you."

"The Illusive Man?" Shepard asked.

"Ah, Jacob. Did you give out exposition unprompted again?"

The Black Officer crossed his arms. "We need the Commander's trust, Miranda."

"Fine, then. Is there anything other useless background information you need to know?"

Shepard thought for a moment. "Not really. I honestly think I've had enough of this station to last me a lifetime."

"**Or two, in your case.**"

Shepard threw his hands up. "Okay, not that I'm grateful or anything, but are you going to keep doing that one-liner bit all throughout the game? I don't personally don't mind, but I need to know so I don't accidentally set you off."

Miranda shook her head. "No. The Bioware writers thought they were clever when they wrote my intro dialogue."

"That's a relief. Okay, let's go!"

**A/N: **Commander Shepard seemingly gets another chance at life. What does the Illusive Man want with him? Can he trust Cerberus? Has anyone really not played this game yet? Find out in the next installment of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied."


	2. Chapter 2

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 2**

As the shuttle took them from the tutorial level, Shepard gazed at the infinite void. He steadily awaited to be transported to the next area, while Miranda and Jacob sat across from him.

Miranda broke the silence. "Shepard, now that you're here, we should run some tests on your mental state of mind."

Jacob groaned. "C'mon, Miranda. More tests? Shepard took those mechs down clean."

The brunette wouldn't have it. "It's been 2 years. Numerous gameplay changes were made. Run the tests."

"Alright. You were born into a regular family. Your mother is notorious for her meatloaf. You were on a mission that made you a Spectre. In other words, we know what you did Lost Sumor!"

A silence fills the room.

"Are we still using that joke?" Shepard asked.

"It was in the last fanfic. How do you justify your actions?"

Shepard sighed. "Despite losing a small amount of forces, we were determined to get the job done and protect civilians."

Jacob nodded. "I'm not blaming you, Commander. It was damn impressive what you did there. Satisfied, Miranda?"

"Almost. Let's try recent history. Shepard, you had to leave one of your squadmates behind."

"Lt. Kaiden Alenko." Jacob said.

Shepard sighed. "Kaiden was a good man. Perhaps, not the most memorable one, but still a good man! But I couldn't leave my Waifu behind!"

Miranda looked at him strangely. "Your… who?"

Just then, a booming voice filled the shuttle.

"**Waifu- During the early 21****st**** Centuary and the spread of the World Wide Internet, the spread of anime became more and more popular amongst young adolescent boys. As such, many of these fans or "otakus" came up with their own terminology. As such, "Waifu" refers to a fan's obsession to a fictionalized female character." **

"Hey, Mr. Codex guy made it!" Shepard exclaimed.

Jacob whispered to her. "He means Ashley Williams."

"Ah, I see. Enough of that. Shepard, think back to when you stupidly, I mean, sacrificed human lives to save the Destiny Ascension. Who did you pick to lead Humanity?"

Shepard nodded. "Keith David. Other than being Keith David, I picked him because he was the right voice for the job. Oh, and he also helped me get off the station during a critical point in the game."

Miranda replied, "Yes. Councilor Keith David is indeed in the sequel, though from what I heard, he'd rather be taking a more serious role in film."

"Still, it's good to have a grounded Celebrity voice in this game."

"Your mental state seems to be fine. There really are more tests we should be running." Miranda thought out loud.

"C'mon, Miranda. Enough with the quizzes. Let's get Shepard to him, already."

"Fair enough." Miranda said.

"Umm? Aren't there more questions you should be asking me?"

Jacob and Miranda looked at each other.

"I don't follow." Miranda said.

"Oh, you know. Questions like, 'where do you go where you die' 'is there a God' 'is my Aunt Sally up there' and other questions that humanity has been asking themselves since the existence of time?"

Miranda thought for a moment.

"No, not really! We're just here for you and the mission."

Shepard sighed. "Good to see you're focused at the task at hand."

Soon after, the shuttle landed to another facility. Shepard was taken aback to the THX 1388 theme that Cerberus was going for, but ignored it and headed towards the room below. He nearly stumbled due to the darkness, but found his way to a circle. There, a rather strange grid surrounded his body as he was greeted by a suave character with dashing blue eyes, holding a cigar in one hand and a drink in the other.

"Shepard, so good to finally meet you."

Shepard stood his ground. "Illusive Man, nice to… see you through a hologram."

"A necessary precaution." The elderly gentlemen replied. "Paparazzi is such a hassle these days."

"Oh, wait!" Shepard exclaimed. "You're Martin Sheen, aren't you? I love your son's work!"

"Oh, you saw 'Platoon'?"

"No."

"Wall Street?"

"No."

"…Two and a Half Men?"

"That show's funny!" Shepard said.

"I see… anyhow, I assume you know why I brought you here. Humanity's facing the greatest threat in its existence."

"Ah. Global Warming."

The Illusive Man rubbed his temple. "Wrong time."

"Oh. The Bubonic Plague."

"Try recently."

Shepard thought to himself. "Oh! The Reapers!"

"Yes. Human colonies are disappearing, and we don't know why. There's not a trace of struggle or capture. All Communications are blocked out. So, it's up to you to investigate."

However, the Commander had his own plans. "I will investigate this, but I don't need your help! Who needs terrorists when the Alliance will do just as well?"

"You mean the Alliance which lost a majority of its forces saving the Destiny Ascension as well as during the final assault on Sovereign?"

Shepard stood oddly quiet. "Point well taken."

"Cerberus isn't as evil as you think. Our methods may be extreme, sadistic, even extravagant, but my goal's is as good as yours: to preserve the human race. I want you to go to Freedom's Progress, investigate what's happening and report right back here. Take Miranda; she'll assist you during this mission."

"What about Jacob?"

The Illusive Man sat back. "Who? Oh, the Black fellow. I suppose you can take him too. Good luck, Shepard! Our Colonies are depending on you."

Shepard watched as the grid went away and an interface declaring he had made it to Level 4.

"Hmm… Apparently having plot related conversations awards me experience…" He mentally noted as he met up with his new teammates.

"Hello, Miranda." Shepard greeted her while she typed away at her keyboard.

"We've got a lot of work to do. Let's get to it." She said.

"Umm… I first just wanted to thank you for bringing me back to life…"

The brunette scoffed. "Spare me. I've yet to be impressed by anything you've done, so far."

The Commander tried his best not to lose his temper. "_Don't pick the Renegade option. Don't pick the Renegade option. Don't pick the Renegade option._"

"Well, someone must've gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning…" He barely managed to get out.

"I have the utmost confidence in your abilities. It's your motivations that concern me…"

He thought for a moment. "But, I thought we both wanted to save humanity. Isn't that more or less in your motivations?"

"Please. Your logic is far below mine."

He groaned in agony. "Okay, maybe after I finish a level, you'll lighten up."

"You do that." She said, working on her computer.

Shepard groaned as he met with Jacob, staring off into space.

"Commander, glad to have you on the team." He greeted, courteously, like a normal person would.

"While I appreciate the greeting," Shepard said. "I'm not working with Cerberus. I'm here for the missing colonists."

"Fair enough. Do you trust me?"

"Well, seeing as you are the only person to treat me like a human being and not jump down my throat or give orders, yeah!"

Jacob smiled. "Thanks. Just to let you know, I'm not too fond of Cerberus ideals, either. But, after all the red tape and the diplomatic bullshit on the Citadel, I decided to call it quits. I guess that's why I joined up with them. When Colonies go disappearing, Cerberus doesn't commission a report. They just go and investigate."

Shepard was taken back. "So, lemme get this straight. You joined Cerberus because they don't go through a political process that would otherwise stop you from doing your job?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"That's… actually a decent motivation. Part of me wishes I could've joined Cerberus sooner."

"We also have health benefits, a 401K and Donut Tuesdays!"

Shepard exclaimed. "I love donuts! Hey, maybe they're not so bad after all. Save for all the sick experiments they do."

"Yeah, so let's head out, shall we?"

And so, as the Commander hit the door switch, he was immediately greeted by an odd screen, summarizing the results of his mission. He had gained several thousand credits tax-free, experience and for some odd reason, crates of minerals that he somehow had access to.

"What the hell are all these things for?" He asked.

"We'll explain those when we go further in the game." Miranda said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_The shuttle…_

Shepard once again stared out into space. Seriously, as if there was going to be something new. Someone could've at least had the courtesy of installing a TV.

"We should be arriving soon." Miranda stated. "What are your orders?"

"Umm… find out what's going on, but don't hurt innocents."

Miranda sighed. "Of course, Commander…"

When the shuttle touched down, it was in blackest night. Shepard noticed he had access to a few more weapons, including a shotgun, as did his companions. He equipped these and entered through the colony. However, there was no one in sight, their food halfway eaten.

"So, wait. This colony's called "Freedom's Progress"?" Shepard asked.

"That's what it says on the dossier." Jacob responded.

"A colony called Freedom's progress that's completely abandoned… Wow. Them Bioware writers sure know subtly, don't they?"

Miranda shook her head. "Enough deadpan snarking. Let's find out how they went missing."

As they traveled along, they were suddenly ambushed by more LOL mechs who where quickly joined by the robotic FENRYL dogs. They quickly took cover, as Shepard tested out the new gaming system which Miranda had set up tutorials on.

"Let's see… use respective left or right buttons to activate powers for squadmates… Jacob! Left!"

With that, the Operative pulled one of the mechs toward him so he could shotgun it.

"Alright, Miranda. Use Right button!"

"Using Overload!" She cried, shocking one of the bots and killing it.

Shepard smiled. "Nice, very nice… Okay, Miranda. Use Warp!"

"I can't." She replied, continuing firing.

"Because in this game, using one power automatically means not being able to use another until the cooldown." She replied.

"But, that doesn't make sense!" Shepard defied, while shooting more mechs. "If I use one power, then I should have access to another power. Like if I use Shield Bash, that doesn't automatically mean I can't use-"

"All clear!" Miranda said, holstering her gun.

"But, what I just said-"

Miranda hushed him quickly. "We should keep moving. No time to question the new gaming system that the developers worked 2 years on perfecting."

"Fine, be that way. You guys think the mechs kidnapped the colonists?"

Jacob shook his head. "No. Remember, there we no signs or struggle or resistance from the Colonists. Also, the mechs should've recognized us as humans. Someone reprogrammed those mechs. Finally, the mechs aren't exactly…"

"_Excuse me, sir._" One of the mechs said, crawling on its torso. "_Could you remain still while I kill you?_"

"Advanced." Jacob said, putting a bullet in one of them.

"Right, let's move on."

While they continued forth and shot whatever machine moved towards them, Shepard stumbled upon a safe. Learning a new hacking mini-game, Shepard quickly picked the safe open and looted whatever credits were inside.

"This isn't wrong, is it?" Shepard asked. "I mean, we're assuming these colonists are dead. So, if this is someone's life savings, I shouldn't feel guilty."

"You only get penalized in the Bethesda games." Miranda stated. "C'mon, let's go into that room and see what we find."

When they opened the room, they found several Quarians investigating a body. However, they reached for their guns and aimed it at Shepard and company.

"Stop right there, Cerberus!"

However, a familiar nerdy voice broke them apart.

"Put those guns away, Praza! And- Shepard? Is that you? You're… alive?" She exclaimed.

"Yes, Tali. I believe the first words I heard you say were 'We believe in sex after marriage, Bitch'."

At this point, the Quarians began to stare at their commander quite oddly.

"Umm… definitely Shepard! What are you doing here?"

Shepard shrugged. "Oh, you know the usual. Human colonies go missing and I'm the only one doing anything about it. Well, me and these guys. Say hi!"

"We were sent to investigate." Miranda scoffed. "What are the Quarians doing here?"

Tali sighed. "One of our own, Veetor was last seen here on Pilgrimage. However, communications were blocked and we had to investigate. However, his suit was punctured and he's been always kinda nervous so… uh."

"So, he's basically gone all Panic Room and reprogrammed the mechs, attacking everything on sight." Shepard summarized.

"Basically. We need to find him, but with you here, maybe we could team up."

"Forget it!" Praza said. "I'm not working with Cerberus!"

"You're working for me, Praza! As I recall, you need this internship!" Tali lectured.

Shepard scratched his head. "Did I miss something?"

"Cerberus infiltrated the Flotilla and tired to blow up one of our ships. You didn't read about it?"

"Tali, you know how I feel about tie-in books."

Miranda crossed her arms. "That's not how I would've described it. It was nothing personal, just business."

"Enough!" Jacob said. "We can deal with how much of an asshole Cerberus is after all this. Right now, we need to find that Quarian."

Tali nodded. "We'll go up ahead. Meanwhile, you slip in the back and try to infiltrate Veetor's base of operations."

"Okay." Shepard said, as the two groups split apart. However, no less did the Commander take 2 steps when Tali cried out.

"Shepard! Praza went on ahead! He's going to betray you and try to steal Veetor away!"

"That was quick." Shepard replied.

"We should've expected this." Miranda sighed.

"Hurry!" The crew came and met with several flying turrets. Unable to keep still, much of the squad's ammo was wasted as well as the stupidly long cooldown for Miranda's Overload. However, after several long minutes of skirmishing, Shepard heard another message.

"Oh no! Veetor reprogrammed the Heavy Mech! It's tearing Praza's squad apart!"

"Well, they did want to get to him first." Miranda stated, while Shepard shot her a rather cold glare.

"Take cover and I'll open the door."

Just then, instructional symbols filled the screen. Shepard was commanded to use the D-pad's left and right commands once more.

"Quickly, you two! To your respective Jalapenos!"

Miranda shook her head. "They're called arrows, Commander."

"I'm in charge here and we call those glowy things Jalapenos! Now take cover!"

When all three took cover, Tali opened the door to see a horrifying sight. There a rather large YUMY mech was shooting its chain machine gun into a Quarian while launching a rocket to another. Its massive firepower tore through most of the Quarians, though never in the face. After all, Bioware still wanted to keep teasing with Quarian features.

"This is going to be one tough sonavabitch to take down." Miranda stated.

"Ha! Foolish fool robot of a foolishly fool Quarian. Only fools would dare underestimate the power of biotics!" Shepard cried out.

"Did he just use the word 'fool' five times?" Miranda said, only to get a hush from Jacob.

"Behold, the gravity-defying, matter-manipulating, mass-changing, all mighty power that is Biotics! Jacob, pull it in!"

Jacob coughed to express his protest. "Commander, I'm not sure that's a good-"

"Do as I command!"

Jacob sighed as he pulled the robot in. However, it did no damage as the YUMY mech continued firing.

"What!" Shepard cried out.

"Shepard, numerous game changes were made, including balancing the power of Biotics." Miranda cried out. "As such, you would need to take out several barriers until you get to the Health bar, before any biotics yield any effects. With the exception of Warp."

Shepard's eye slightly twitched at this explanation. After a short breath, he turned to Miranda.

"Ms. Lawson, what did you say my class was again?"

"Vanguard."

"**Goddammit!**" He cried out, while firing his shotgun at the mech.

Jacob yelled, "Shepard, you can use Overload to take down their shields."

"Miranda, use Overload!"

The brunette did so. It did approximately 1/8th damage to the shields. Shepard couldn't help but glare at her.

"What did you expect? I'm only a level 4 character!"

And so, the trio slowly whittled away the YUMY mech's defenses using their ammo (i.e. spitballs) as it slowly lumbered and picked them apart.

"Jacob!" Shepard cried. "Be ready to use pull on my command!"

Suddenly, a groan is heard as Shepard looks and sees Jacob knocked out.

"Alright. Miranda, we could still use your weakass Overload."

Suddenly, a passionate groan is heard as Miranda, too, is knocked out.

"Hmm.. waste precious medi-gel to revive my squad, who will most likely die again, or try to take down this mech myself?"

As the mech slowly lumbered forward, Shepard shrugged and did all the work himself. Luckily, the mech had difficulty navigating around columns, so using his amazing navigational skills, Shepard managed to avoid the mech while whittling its health down to near zero.

"Alright. Time for Biotic… Falcon… Headbutt!"

Shepard's body emitted a blue glow as he fastfowarded to the mech's body, causing it to explode. When all was said and done, both Miranda and Jacob were revived.

"Why didn't you revive us, Shepard?" Miranda scoffed, somewhat offended.

"Because I've played the first game enough times to know when Squadmates won't be of any assistance. This is one of those times. Okay, let's find this Veetor."

The three went into the Bunker, only to find a Quarian babbling incoherently into the screen.

"Don't want. Don't want. Can't pay $15 a month. Why isn't there a third game? No, no, no, no, no! Third game, do want."

"Huh, I didn't know Shia LeBeouf had a guest role." Shepard commented to himself. However, Shepard noticed a glowing blue symbol on the screen. Pulling the left trigger, he did a gentle as kittens Paragon Interrupt.

"Huh? Who are you? How didn't they find you?"

Shepard sighed. "Veetor, calm down. Who didn't find us?"

"You didn't see. But I see everything. Look!" There, Veetor showed footage of some very attractive women taking showers.

"Hmm, that is interesting!" Shepard nodded.

"Wait! Wrong footage! Hehe… Here it is!" There, the trio saw swarms of bugs come and attack the Colony. There, drones of bug eyed monsters invaded and abducted the Colonists, sometimes carrying them in pods. Of course, they did manage to take some easy gropes of some of the women taking showers.

"My God!" Miranda cried out. "I think that's a Collector."

"But what are they doing here?" Jacob responded. "They usually stay in the Terminus Systems."

"Umm… hi!" Shepard cried out. "Guy who's been dead for 2 years and recently revived? What's a Collector?"

Miranda pointed. "They're an advanced species of nerds who go out and get slaves to bid for the highest nerd gear. When they aren't looking for Swag at conventions, they'll be on Ebay looking for something completely pointless, or worse… they'll stalk the nearby Gamestop and steal the best editions of games from under you. Damn bargainers."

"They came, used swarms of little pests to sting us and I was… I was left here. Only to watch my naughty movies while help arrived."

Jacob shook his head. "I think that's all we're getting from him, Commander."

Miranda nodded. "Good. Grab the Quarian and let's go!"

"What?" Tali said. "Veetor needs help. He needs medication and to stop watching porn, not an interrogation!"

The Black Officer spoke up. "I promise, we won't hurt him. Cerberus will only... I'm sorry. Even I know that line I'm delivering is bullshit."

"You can take Veetor's Omni-tool, but please. Give him to me!"

Shepard turned to his squadmates. "Internet Porn Addiction is serious business. We'll take his Omni-tool, while Tali takes Veetor."

"Thank you, Shepard. It's good to see someone in this sequel who's not a complete Bosh'tet."

"Tali, after all this is done, you should join my squad." Shepard recommended.

"No, I can't! I have a very, very important mission!" She replied.

"But, Tali! Everyone knows you'll join up with me. Bioware even cut out this nice Trailer for you!" Shepard said, programming his Omni-tool to see Tali getting exiled.

"No! No matter how fancy a trailer Bioware my cut, I won't disturb the narrative. I'm sorry, Shepard. And… Good luck!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Later, back at the Illusive Man's station…_

The Illusive man took a long drag of his cigar.

"Shepard, good work on Freedom's Progress. Still, I wished you would've brought back the Quarian for torture. It would've made a fun sport. Still, his report was extensive and his showering footage of females was not bad for an amateur."

"Right. These Collectors, what do you think they want?"

"Uncertain to be sure. However, exchanges of e-mail about getting the best gear shows that they're definitely working for the Reapers. Their abductions are human-centric, but the thing is, why don't they kill the Humans once they've paralyzed them?"

Shepard shrugged. "Any ideas what to do next?"

"They only thing we know about the Collectors is that once they've obtained their quarry, they go back to the unmapped Omega-4 relay."

"Umm… What's this Omega-3 relay?"

The Illusive Man took a swig of his gin. "A Mass Relay that leads to sources of unsaturated fatty acids, such as Fish, Mussels and certain breads. But, that's completely unrelated. **The Omega 4 **relay leads to the Collector homeworld. All we know about it is that no ship passing through that is ever seen again!"

Shepard gulped. "How ominous!"

"Exactly. However, if we want these attacks to stop, you're going to have to go to the Collector Homeworld. I'm sending a list of Dossiers showing the best crooks, thieves, pirates and mercenaries the galaxy has to offer."

"Keep your list!" Shepard said, crossing his arms. "I already have an awesome team with me, and we kicked Saren's tail to the fair reaches of the galaxy!"

"Don't be so certain. It's been 2 years; they've probably moved on."

"What about Ashley?"

"Still with the Alliance, but her information is very classified. Even we can't figure it out."

"How about Garrus?"

"He disappeared when you died. Said something about wandering the galaxy as a badass."

"Tali can help us! I even have a trailer for her."

"No. The Narrative says you can't do it yet!"

Shepard groaned. "How about Wrex or Liara?"

"Yes. The Krogan was just recently sworn into office and is currently busy in Tuchanka. Meanwhile. Liara is on Illium working for the Shadow Broker."

"Then, let's go there!"

"You can't."

"But I have a spaceship. And I know where they are. I should go there…" Shepard stated.

"Nope. Not until the narrative says so. Don't worry though. You will have one familiar face on your crew. He's one of the best pilots, I've heard."

"Hey, Commander!" A familiar celebrity voice said. "Just like old times."

"Joker, I can't believe it's you!" Shepard sighed.

Joker chuckled. "I should be saying that; I saw you get spaced! Things fell apart without you, Commander. The Alliance Brass swooped down like TMZ and began picking everything apart. The crew was broken up, records were sealed, so I joined Cerberus."

"Well, ignoring that whole thing where if you had just left, I would've been still alive, you trust the Illusive Man?"

"Eh! You get a discount if you join Cerberus while leaving the Alliance. Still, it's not all that bad; they built this. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Mass Effect 2 orchestra as Composed by Jack Wall, Sam Hulick, David Kates and Jimmy Hinson!"

A sweeping, powerful score fills the room as lights systematically reveal the new ship, powerful and alive as if it had been resurrected from the dead! There, the new ship revealed itself, an exact replica from the lost Normandy.

"Hmm, she needs a name." Shepard said.

There, the port doors opened. The Normandy SVR-2 had been born and on it was Humanity's last hope against the Collectors. Without word, the ship departed off on a whole new quest!

"Was it supposed to leave without us?" Shepard asked.

"I'll give them a call…" Joker said.

(**A/N: **What exciting new adventure awaits Shepard next? Will he see who was in the last game? How much does a space Taxi cost these days? Find out the answer to 2 of those questions in the next chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied"!)


	3. Chapter 3

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 3**

_On the new Normandy…_

Shepard stepped forward with Miranda and Jacob. He noticed the new Normandy, this time with indoor lighting and even more orange interfaces. He was astounded by the new features and breathed a sigh of fresh air.

"Ahh! New ship smell!" He cried.

"Like what you see so far?" Miranda stated.

"Yep. And I'm loving these new threads!" Shepard said, showing off his long-sleeved Commander's outfit. "It's so… Playboy!"

"I've been looking over the Dossiers. I first recommend getting Mordin Solus from Omega." She stated. "He can create a countermeasure to block the Seeker Swarms."

"Plus, I want to use these materials we keep getting." Shepard stated. "Seriously, I keep picking up crates of these things, and I don't even know what they do."

"_Minerals are used for various weapons and armor upgrades, Commander Shepard." _ A synthesized voice stated.

"What the-?" Shepard said, turning around to see a big blue globe staring at him.

"_Welcome aboard, Commander. I am EDI, the ship's AI._" The Globe said to him.

"Oh, boy. Joker doesn't like it when the ship talks."

"_Do not be alarmed. I am merely here to give you updates. Mr. Seth Green still handles all the piloting._" It said.

"While you're at it, feel free to introduce yourself to the rest of the crew. We'll be at our stations." Miranda stated, while she left and Jacob gave a salute. The first thing the Commander did was check near the map. There, he met a rather friendly redhead.

"Greetings, Commander. I'm Yeoman Chambers, here to assist you." She stated.

"Hi." He said.

"Please, call me Kelly." She said.

"Hi, Kelly."

The Yeoman gave a blush. "Is there anything I can do for you, Commander?"

"Yes, what do you do here?"

"I tell you when you have e-mail, and I check when the crew has personal issues that need dealing with."

Shepard scratched his head. "That's nice, Kelly. But I have an AOL account. You don't have to check my e-mail."

"But I insist!" She said too loudly. "I mean- that's my job. Please, let me assist you. I've been a big admirer of yours since you stopped Saren and the Geth."

"But what do you feel about Cerberus ideals?" He asked.

"Cerberus may love humans, but that doesn't mean we can't love other species. My sister owned a pet shop. She loved dogs, but she also loved cats too!"

"Wait… Did you just compare Cerberus to a pet shop?" He asked rather concerned.

"To me, Cerberus is no more than a petshop that specializes in humanity!" Kelly smiled. Shepard nodded, slowly backing away from the redhead. There, he decided to check in on Joker, still ecstatic about his new ship.

"Can you believe it, Commander?" He said. "Leather seating, mini-DVR, Wi-Fi and best of all… Ipod compatibility!"

"_Comfort was designed as an upgrade, Mr. Monroe, not a distraction._" EDI chided.

"And there's the downside. I don't need another celebrity voice, cramping my style."

Shepard sighed. "Joker, I think you oughta be more concerned with the fact that we're working with at-any-costs organization with a reputation for doing sick experiments."

"Umm… Ipod compatibility…" He said in sing song.

"Fine, play with your pilot seat. I'm going to see what this ship has to offer." With that, Shepard headed into the Armory meeting up with Jacob.

"Commander, there really hasn't been much time to settle in." He said. "I hope we're ready for this mission."

"What I'm more concerned about is finding you a comedy arc." He said. "What defines you besides hating Cerberus?"

"Besides the obvious?" The Black Officer stated.

"Uhh… I think we can be a little more high-brow than that. After all, this isn't 4chan."

"Umm… Oh! I can over enunciate words. 'But the priiiiiiiiiize-"

Shepard shook his head. "I don't think we can do a whole fanfic just based on that. We'll work something out. Meanwhile, good to have you on the team."

And with that, Shepard did something, he thought he'd never do again… He stepped into an elevator.

* * *

_One Loading Screen Later…_

After his somewhat shorter or longer trip in the elevator, he was met with a gravely voice.

"Alright, kiddies! Today's gonna be a choice between Rump Roast and Chef's Casserole. Choose your poison!" The somewhat aged man said. However, when the bald officer saw him, he greeted him with a smile.

"Commander Shepard, hero of the first game, you did humanity proud that day!" He said with a glee.

"Hi there, don't believe we've met."

"Name's Rupert. I'm the chef, janitor and repairman around these parts."

"Wait," Shepard said. "This is a top-of-the-line ship and they have the chef and the janitor as the same person?"

"Between you and me, the Illusive Man likes to cut costs, now and then. Why do you think I keep serving ramen every lunch?"

"I could do some shopping for you, if it'd make the food better." Shepard suggested.

"If you could, that'd be mighty fine, sir!"

Shepard then managed to go into Operative Lawson's quarters. For some reason, her quarters seemed not only well-furbished, but complete with her own bathroom and view of space.

"Hello, Miranda!" He said.

"Just give me a moment, Shepard. I'm just finishing a report to the Illusive Man. I'm impressed. So far, the mission has gone smoothly."

Shepard shrugged. "Well, so far we've only done two levels. Mind if I ask you some personal questions?"

"Alright. I was handpicked by the Illusive Man because of my genetic modifications. My strength, my intelligence, my skills, my leadership abilities, and… let's not forget: my good looks."

"Well, you're certainly humble…" Shepard sighed.

"Thank you," Miranda said, for being as intelligent as she was refused to interpret sarcasm. "The Illusive Man picks the best around."

"Why not work for the Alliance, Miranda? Someone of your stature can do a lot of good for humanity."

Miranda shook her head. "I am doing a lot of good for humanity. Cerberus is first on the front lines when it comes to humanity. Our methods may be extreme, but we're doing the right thing."

"Uh huh… Okay, how does experimenting on creatures, killing admirals, blowing up Quarian ships tail into doing the right thing?"

"Hmph! You just don't understand… we do the things that are necessary. A hundred lives for a billion. Think about what we're doing as the right thing!"

"_Ms. Lawson, the scheduling for the harsh interrogation requires your assistance._" EDI said.

Miranda and Shepard exchanged a silence glance as the Commander shook his head and headed outside.

Shepard happened by the Medbay, where he was greeted by a very familiar English voice.

"Commander Shepard, I watched as the Normandy exploded and you die in space. It was marvelous. With all due respect, I studied it for hours."

"Doctor Chakwas!" He exclaimed. "You joining Cerberus? I'm… not as surprised as I should be."

She scoffed. "The Alliance wanted to put me in a medical facility. Me! What are the chances of seeing a bloody shoulder needing patching up on land? Now space! That's where the real carnage and… _excitement_ is at."

"Is there anything I can get you? Besides a bloody corpse." Shepard said, wary of the Doctor's… tastes.

"Hmm… If sex can't get the blood flowing, alcohol will have to get the blood flowing. I lost a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. If you could get me that, I'd be most satisfied." She said, with a shudder in her voice.

"Right…" Shepard said, hoping he'd never sustain a gunshot wound that would warrant a visit to her.

* * *

_Down in Engineering…_

Shepard finally arrived to the Engineering drive. Somehow not noticing about the longer load times due to the pretty loading screen, he found two engineers operating on the Christmas tree ornament that was the Drive Core.

"Commander, you came all the way down here to see us?" the Scottish Engineer said.

"Hush, give a salute!" His Female companion said.

"Hi, there!" Shepard said. "No need to be so formal, just checking out the ship…"

"That's a relief." The male Engineer said. "I'm Kenneth Donnelly, and this is my partner, Gabby."

"That's Engineer Gabriella Daniels, you sexist Ass!" The Black haired girl said. "We're here to work on the engine core and help you against the Collectors."

Shepard turned to the camera. "A Scottish Engineer? Really? Am I the only one who sees a problem here?"

He sighed and turned back to the two NPC's. "So… why are you here?"

"Well," Gabby started. "We don't really know much about Cerberus ideals. Kenneth here was very supportive of you when the Alliance Brass was denouncing you. Of course, he was wasted at the time, so we were dismissed. When he found out about Cerberus, I told him to go, and here we are, working on the best ship in the organization!"

"Heh," Donnelly smiled. "I knew it was a good idea to show Udina my daddy-bags before I left!"

"So, you got a sidequest I could do?"

"Power Couplings, sir." Daniels said. "We had those, we could calibrate every week instead of everyday."

"Okay, I'll keep an eye out."

As Shepard left, Donnelly breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, I'm so firing my agent." He said in a New Boston accent. "I mean, seriously? A Scottish Engineer? I can act circles around that Main Character's voice, but does anybody listen? No! 'Play the Scottish Accent! Everyone loves the Scottish Accent!'"

"I'm leaving as soon as the MMO launches." Daniels said.

Thus, Shepard returned to Enginneering, and checked his computer.

"Commander, you have a new message." Kelly said.

"_You've got mail!_" His e-mail chimed.

"Ha! I said it first!" She cheered to herself, while Shepard shook his head. He noticed several messages, all of them too small to read.

"Kelly, how do I fix the font on this thing? It's too small to read."

"What? You don't have a High Definition television?" Ms. Chambers asked.

"No, I have a regular sized TV like everyone else who shells out 300 bucks for these consoles, not to mention the $60 for this game. So, how do I adjust the font?"

Kelly wriggled to the side.

"You don't…"

"Great." Shepard said, while wincing to read his e-mail. Luckily, he was able to read 1 email from Captain Anderson.

"_Shepard, if the rumors are true, if you're alive, we need to talk right away._

_You're the one who signed me up for this sequel, so it's up to you to come here. I've arranged for a meeting with the Council. Please hurry as soon as possible._

_Sincerely, Keith David._

_P.S. Be sure to rent Death at a Funeral. That's a really funny movie._

_P.P.S. The one with me, not the original._"

"Joker, set a course to the Citadel. We're going to see an old friend!"

"Sha'ira, sir?" Joker smiled.

"No! The Captain!"

* * *

_The Citadel…_

The Normandy had finally docked on board, to a station that seemed like a lifetime apart. Luckily, no one seemed to care or bother with the fact that the Alliance ship that had been destroyed 2 years ago was docking. Ah, the wonders of NPC ignorance.

Shepard had gotten off board with Miranda and Jacob. The first thing he saw was an Ad with a Japanese woman on it.

"Trouble with Collectors? Try Kasumi's debtor service. It's what you paid for!"

"Hmm… let's save the DLC content after we conduct all our business here." Shepard said. "We need some stuff we have to take care of first."

There, the trio went through a long corridor, guarded by a Turian. However, the Commander was automatically pinged by the buzzer.

"Shut it off!" The C-Sec officer said. However, the shocked expression on his face revealed otherwise.

"Obviously, security has tightened since you've last come here." Miranda commented.

"Sorry for the long loading time, sir. But my scanners seem to indicate that you're… undead."

"Eh, more or less." Shepard said. "Don't worry; I'm not here for brains, just intel."

"You should see my Captain, just outside the door to your right."

With that, Shepard was allowed access, seeing a rather haggard fellow barking orders to his assistant.

"You're going to have to make him scream a little louder. I doubt he'll just tell you if you ask nicely." The blond C-Sec officer said.

Shepard coughed.

"What ever happened to 'you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar'?"

"Eh. Pulling their legs off also works. Name's Bailey. I see the problem here, Commander. My scanners say that you're dead."

"Yeah, it's a long story. Is there any magical way you can just get me through processing?"

Bailey smiled and pulled out his secret weapon. "This is a button. It resets all of your data without the hassle of paperwork. Satisfied?"

"Very." Shepard smiled. "By the way, you happen to know how to get to the Presidium from here?"

"Just take the Rapid Transport and you'll be taken to a loading screen, no strings attached."

And so, after yet another loading screen, Shepard was whisked up to the Presidium. Little did he realize, the Captain was already meeting with the Council.

"Wow," Keith David smiled. "That is the first time I've seen an Elcor walking."

"It would be better if Udina was here." The Asari Councilor said, with a hologram that was in color rather than in red pop-ups.

"No, I think we've filled our quota on politicians for this meeting. We just have to wait for-"

As the doors opened, Captain Anderson welcomed the Commander with a warm smile. "Shepard! It's been too long."

"Cap'n! You look grrrrrrrrrrreat!" Shepard smiled. Almost immediately, the room was filled with an awkward silence.

"What? Not even a chuckle?"

"Ignoring that last bit of humor," The Asari Councilor said. "Let this secret meeting of the Council begin. Commander, we've heard some rather… disturbing reports about your whereabouts."

"Yes," The Salarian Councilor said. "Rumors that you've joined Cerberus are disturbing. We'd decided it was best to give you a chance to explain yourself. After all, you did save our lives."

Shepard nodded. "I understand, Council. But the truth of the matter is, the Reapers are still out there, kidnapping human colonists. I'm doing something to stop them."

"Ah, yes." The Turian Councilor mocked. "_Reapers._ The supposed 'ancient machines' that will wipe out all organic life. Please, we've dismissed that claim already."

At that moment, Shepard's mouth stood open. After closing it, he took a deep breath.

"I'm… sorry. Can you repeat that last statement? I think I had something in my ear."

The Turian Councilor leaned forward and spelled it out. "The. Reapers. Don't. Exist."

Shepard turned to his Captain.

"Did I hear that right?" Shepard asked. Captain Anderson couldn't help but nod his head.

"Umm… Can I be excused? I need to… vent." Shepard stated.

"You may."

Shepard immediately exited the Ambassador's office. There, several large thumps as well as profanities where heard just outside the door. Miranda and Jacob merely stood there smiling with the rest of the Council waited. Finally, Shepard came back into the room.

"Good God, Shepard! Are you alright?" Keith David cried.

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"Your forehead's bleeding!"

Shepard felt some of the blood from his temple. "Ah, that'll go away. Okay… Umm, assuming that the Prothean VI went dead, didn't… oh, I don't know, bits and pieces of Sovereign rain down on the Citadel? I mean, I was almost killed by its toe, for crying out loud!"

"Geth Technology." The Salarian Councilor said.

"Geth-? I-Err… Dammit! Okay, fine, whatever! Be stubborn. That still leaves human colonies being abducted. What do you intend to do about it?"

The Asari Representative sighed. "This presents a problem for us. The Humans chose to leave Citadel space and we won't risk a war with the Terminus. There's also the fact you're working with a sworn enemy of the Council. However, if you stay quiet and limit your investigation to the Terminus, I think we can make an exception."

There, the Salarian Councilor spoke up. "We're willing to reinstate you with your Main Character status. No paperwork necessary."

"That depends. Are you going to keep lecturing and criticizing me about how to do my job, even when I take the high road?" Shepard asked.

"Nope." The Turian Councilor stated.

"Then I think we have an agreement, Councilor." And with that, Commander Shepard was once again, a main character. Once the Council disappeared, however, Shepard was met by another politician he didn't want to see.

"Keith David, we need to talk- Shepard?" Ambassador Udina said. "What are you doing here?"

"Just taking care of some business. How's life treating you, Councilor? I mean, **Ambassador**?" Shepard smiled.

"Oh perfect. I have to deal with you personally. Your return has been a bureaucratic nightmare!"

"Well, it's a good thing we took care of that meeting with the Council. Isn't that right, Captain?"

"What?" Udina said, his veins popping out of his temple. "You arranged a meeting with the Council and didn't invite me! You'll… you'll pay for this!"

"I don't answer to you, Udina!" Anderson said. "Now get me a cup of coffee and today's funnies! Understand?"

"Yes, Councilor…" The Ambassador barely breathed out. "As you say…"

As Udina left in a huff, Shepard and Anderson talked once more.

"Well, that's a huge pain in the ass. Still, be careful out there, Shepard. You can't trust Cerberus, no matter how good looking they are."

Shepard cleared his throat. "Cap'n, one last thing. You know where Ash is?"

"Her? Sorry. She's on a top-secret mission. Can't divulge any details. Still, don't get hung up on the past. Better to move on."

* * *

_Back on the Citadel…_

Shepard sighed. His frustration had built up to his forehead, and worst, he was feeling a little light headed from all the blood he lost.

"Honestly, I'm so pissed off right now, I wish I could do something that could lighten the mood." He said to his squadmates as he walked into a random store.

"Good day, Citizen!" The Asari greeted. Shepard, however, noticed a Charm dialogue in the conversation.

"Can I get a discount?" Shepard groaned.

"Commander Shepard? My goodness! I'd be happy to give you a discount, if you were willing to endorse me…"

"Wait…" The Commander said, his eyes glowing.

"Are you saying…"

"Oh no." Miranda sighed.

"That by giving out my name in public…"

"Here it comes." Jacob shook his head.

"I can get discounts?"

"Absolutely!" The Asari said.

_One hour of shameless self-promotion later…_

"_Hi, I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel!"_

"_Hi, I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel!"_

"_Hi, I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel!"_

Almost everywhere, stores rang with the same advertisement. Shepard, suddenly not as depressed as he was before was carrying several shopping bags of new upgrades with him. Following along were Jacob and Miranda, forced to carry the extra goods.

"I'm surprised there hasn't been an achievement already." Miranda stated.

**Achievement Unlocked- Sell-Out 5G**

"Too late." Jacob sighed, as they neared the Normandy's parking spot.

"Hi," The now depressed Japanese woman stated. "I'm Kasumi. Insert funny line here."

"Oh, right!" Shepard said, putting down his bags. "Time to get the DLC."

"Finally!" The Advertisment said. "Password?"

Shepard leaned in. "Goldeneye."

The Asian woman leaped for joy as she was finally able to leave her stationed area.

"Kasumi Goto, at your service! Now, I heard that you had a job for me."

"That's right. I need help against the Collectors. Can you use your Otaku knowledge to help me?"

"Please. Those Collectors got nothing on us anime convention fans. Still, I could use your help locating something my partner lost. Rare footage of Sailor Moon, unedited by DIC entertainment. Help me, and I'll help you. That sound good?"

"Go and get set-up on the Normandy." Shepard signaled. "See you on the ship."

As Kasumi left, Shepard scratched his head.

"So, let me see if I got the current roster right. We have an Australian Second-in-command, a Black Lieutenant and now a Japanese tech. We… certainly have a diverse group of humans with us."

"Is this going to be a problem, Commander?" Miranda asked.

"Well, as long as none of you start talking in a Cockney accent, I think we'll be fine."

* * *

_Omega…_

"'Ello Guv'ner!" Zaeed Massani said.

"Oh, me and my big mouth!" Shepard sighed.

"'Tis misson's gonna be a pice of caek! Stil' I gots a problem that I needs takn' care of! You see'! Tere's this 'astard named Vito Santiago who-"

"Okay, okay, I'm getting a headache. Jacob, what's he saying?"

Jacob looked at the dossier. "There's a Blue Suns gang stationed at Zorya, holding prisoners. He wants us to go there and take care of it."

"Alright. Go and get set up on the ship." Shepard said.

As Zaeed left, Shepard turned to his second, once more.

"Miranda, does Cerberus make it a priority to hire minorities? Or is that just a Bioware thing?"

"Hey, when you're running a human-interest organization, affirmative action's the way to go."

"Right…" Shepard sighed. "Okay, we better gather intel about our targets. EDI, who's got info here?"

"_You should see an Aria T'Lok,_ _stationed at the nightclub Eternity._"

As the crew opened to the main hub of the planet, they were greeted by a filthy slum, surrounded by poverty and pollution with Bartarians and Vorcha on the streets. Several homeless where gathering warmth by the fires and others were selling illegal items on the street. In other words, it was just like every seedy, dark underbelly of a planet when the creators wanted to create a futuristic dystopia.

Shepard breathed in.

"Ah! The beautiful stench of decay and desperate living! It's good to be back on Nar Shaddaa!"

"Sir," Jacob said. "This is Omega."

"Jacob, what did I say about correcting me?"

"Uh, don't?"

"Exactly."

There, the crew entered the nightclub, seeing a rather large jumbotron of an Asari dancing vividly. The trio stumbled around until they met up with an Asari, staring defiantly onto her empire.

"That's close enough!" She barked, as her entourage aimed their pistols at them.

"Hold still!" A Batarian said, scanning him with his omni-tool.

"Are you scanning for guns?" Shepard said.

"Can't be too careful…" Aria smirked. "Dead Spectres are trouble."

"He's clean." The Batarian said, going to the other side.

"You run Omega?" Shepard asked.

"Ha, ha. **I AM OMEGA!** I'm the Boss, CEO, Queen, if you're feeling dramatic. No matter, Omega has no title ruler and only has one rule…"

She sat down as the Camera does a hyper close-up of her lips.

"Don't Fuck with Aria!"

Shepard shrugged. "How humble of you. Look, I need information. Can you help me or not?"

"Of course, take a seat. And don't try anything."

Shepard sat down. "Okay, I'm looking for two guys. One's a Salarian Doctor named Mordin Solus. The other's a mysterious figure named Archangel. Do you know where they are?"

"Yes," Aria smirked. "Solus is in the Quarantine trying to cure the plague. However, it's overrun by two gangs. Blue Suns, tech users with Batarians and Turians, and Blood Pack, a Krogan and Vorcha gang. As for Archangel, he's trouble no way to cut it. He doesn't play by Omega's rules and his 'good intentions' are dampening business. Of course, it's all beneath me, but you might have trouble as the three gangs, Eclipse, Blue Suns and Blood Pack will all try to kill him."

"So, how do I get in?"

"There's a recruiting station just right over there. Of course, once they figure out you're helping him, you'll be dead in seconds."

"Great." Shepard sighed. "Well, that's about it. What do I owe you?"

"Pardon?" The Asari said.

"You expect some sort of payment for this information and privacy, no?"

"Wait." The Asari stood up. "I can give out and withhold information, for a price? That… sounds interesting!"

Shepard turned to a Batarian. "She's not a very good crime lord, is she?"

"She kills people. That's a good trait for a crime lord."

"Okay, later then!"

There, Shepard and his crew met up towards another Batarian, waiting outside the recruiting station.

"Umm… hi! We're here to hunt Archangel."

"Right this way!" There, the group was introduced to a recruiter, staring at the screen.

"You here for Archangel?"

Shepard nodded. "So, why are all the mercs after one guy?"

"He's reckless, dangerous, arrogant and he doesn't play by Omega's rules! He's trouble."

"So I've heard. Where do we go from here?"

The Batarian grunted. "There's a shuttle when you exit out. It's to your right. You know, you look just like that Spectre you died a few years ago. And aren't those Cerberus logos?"

Shepard coughed and came up with an excuse.

"Oh, don't mind us; I'm a professional imitator and they're just… cosplayers."

Both Cerberus Operatives frowned upon this statement.

"Eh, you do what you gotta do for a living. Send in the next one!"

Just then, a fairly young boy in some outlandish street clothes came in.

"Yo, yo, yo! This where I sign up?" The boy said.

"Umm…" Shepard glared. "You look a bit… young, don't you think?"

"Fo' Shizzle, my nizzle! I've got all the skillz to bring this muthafucka' down! What up my ni-"

Just when Jacob was about to tear the boy a new hole, Shepard stepped in.

"Yeah, you don't want to do that in front of him. Hey, out of curiosity, can I see your piece?"

"Naw, man! I don't swing that ways!" The boy said.

"Piece means your gun, jackass." Shepard sighed.

"Oh! For sure, gangsta! Here's the gun right-"

Just then, Shepard used his Paragon Interrupt to steal the gun, bang on it several times and gave it back to the boy.

"Rethink your life, son. It helps us all in the future." Shepard said, leaving with a warm fuzzy feeling.

It wasn't too long before the trio was met by a woman arguing with the Turian guard just outside the quarantine.

"Listen, you ass!" The Woman barked. "Humans can't get the disease. Now, let me in so I can get my weed! I don't want looters stealing it!"

"This thing affects every other species out there!" The Guard barked. "So good weed or no, you're not getting inside!"

"Hi, Aria sent me." Shepard stated. "Can we slip by?"

"No, we're restricting access inside. No one gets in or out." The Turian said.

Thus, Shepard used his CHARM option. "Look friend, you're a lonely NPC who wants to go back doing NPC business. I happen to have Main Character Status. So, let me in, and you'll be on your way. That sound good?"

"…Your logic is infallible. Okay, you can go through."

"What!" The Woman screamed. "You're letting him in? You sonavabitch!"

"You don't have a grenade launcher lady…"

Shepard couldn't help but smile as he turned to his crew.

Miranda smirked. "Aren't you glad Cerberus only recruits humans?"

* * *

_Inside the Quarantine Zone…_

The trio had set off on yet another mission in the slums. There, they had encountered heavy resistance from Blue Suns mercenaries, burning corpses and aliens dying in the street. Holding his nose, Shepard shared his disgust with his crewmates.

"Honestly, who runs this planet? ExoGeni?" He coughed.

Suddenly, the trio came across a Batarian, lay dying on the streets.

"Wretched Humans!" He hacked, blood dripping out of his mouth. "You infect us with the disease and don't have the decency to let me die! Leave me; I'll accept no help from you!"

The Commander stooped down. "Look, buddy. You ain't looking so hot. Let me patch you up and-"

"Never!" The Batarian cried out. "I'd rather die than help you. I hope the Vorcha burn Mordin and his clinic to the ground. I hope- (Cough) (cough), Dammit!"

Suddenly, Shepard used his Paragon Interrupt to ease the Batarian's pain.

"Hey, hey! I'm not a doctor, but even I know Deus ex Machina Medi-gel can help in this situation!"

As quickly as Shepard administrated his omni-tool, the Batarian's cough faded as he rose up.

"You… you saved me…" The alien smile. "Why?"

"Because that's what I do for a living… Now, where is Mordin and his clinic?"

The Batarian nodded, pointing to his back. "Just keep going ahead. You'll find it, amongst the apartments. And… thank you."

"No sweat. Hey, I'll send some NPC's to pick you up, alright?" Shepard smiled, walking away.

After all that, Miranda wouldn't stop staring holes into him.

"What?"

"Wasn't that a bit extravagant, Commander?"

"What? Helping a dying person? Giving him medi-gel? Offering safe shelter from streets rampant with disease, Vorcha and other malicious forces? Don't we call that being charitable?"

"I call that a waste of effort." She pouted.

Jacob shook his head. "Don't mind her; once you get to the third planet, she'll lighten up."

The crew eventually came across a street conflict between the Blue Suns and the Blood Pack. Of course, considering the Vorcha didn't get diseases, the Suns lost rather quickly. This left Shepard and his crew to fend for dear life. While the majority of the forces were easy enough to deal with, he and his crew had to take extra caution with the flamethrowers.

"Dammit! I knew I should've taken that Fireproof Perk! Martyrdom is completely worthless, here!"

Luckily, thanks to Miranda's warp and Jacob's pull and fire combo, the team made it out alive. Of course, after investigating some of the apartments, they came across looters.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" The Burglar said. "No guns. We're just here to… clean up the place."

"Yeah," The 2nd one said. "You know, cleaning all the credits from this here poor sap."

"Stealing from the dead. That's pretty low…" Shepard said.

"Yo! Aren't you the guy we saw hacking that Wall Safe? And that Bank Terminal?"

"Yeah! He's one of them… whatchmacallits? A Hypocrite!"

Shepard tripped over his words. "Well, I have permiss- I'm a main charac- I'm on an important- **Shut up! I have a grenade launcher!** Now stop looting!"

The Burglar gulped. "Alright, alright! Sheesh! Damn double standards."

"Okay, now do you know where Mordin and his clinic are?"

"Yeahs! Just keep going down, and you'll see him. But I gotta warn ya! The doctor's crazy! He not only shot down a Blue Suns unit, but he got the corpses and displayed the bodies in front of his medical facility."

"Gruesome." Shepard said. "But possibly intelligent. Gotta get going. Keep your noses clean, you two!"

So, with a little effort (literally, the Med Clinic was just around the corner), the team made it the Clinic, guarded heavily by LOL mechs and other interns with guns. How terrifying.

"Don't cause any trouble." The receptionist said. "Otherwise those mechs will take care of you. Lollipop?"

Shepard nodded, taking the green one. There, past the sick, the ailing, the dying, and the vomiting the crew covered their faces. Shepard was especially horrified seeing someone bleed out to death.

"Jesus, where's Dr. House when you need him?"

Suddenly, the trio heard a rapid voice speaking in the distance.

"Hmm… Too risky, may not be able to save. Nurse, give sedative for final moments. You, hand me medi-gel! Measure 30 cc! Pump directly into veins! Intern! Wanted Decaf, not regular!"

Shepard and his crew stepped forth, seeing the doctor immediately scan him down.

"Hmm… Interesting. Too well groomed to be salesmen, not groomed enough to be Mormons. Disgruntled neighbors? No, too armed. Blue Suns? Not issue uniform, N7 armor. Alliance? No, weapons non-Alliance standard. Suggest human-centric interests. Must be… Cerberus? Interesting."

All the meanwhile, the camera kept cutting quickly to show various close-ups to the professor's features. At one moment it would be a direct face, at another it would be at the side of his mouth, unfocused towards the left and other curious angles.

Shepard turned back. "Who's in charge of the cinematography? Paul Greengrass? Nevermind, I'm Shepard. I'm here to recruit you to fight the Collectors."

Mordin looked up. "Mission? What Mission? No, no, no, no! Need to cure Plague first. Possibly orchestrated by Collectors. No matter."

"Wouldn't someone just say, 'hey I've got nothing better to do! Let's go!' or something like that?"

Mordin smiled. "Life is a negotiation. We all want, therefore we must give to get what we want."

Suddenly, Shepard gave pause.

"Oh my god! A squadmate who says something significant!"

"Hey!" Jacob cried.

"Without being overly cheesy or snarky about it!"

"Well, I never-!" Miranda cried.

"For the love of God, help this man! We need him on our team!"

"Here is plague cure. Please distribute it at Air Supply center. Also, in good faith take gun from dead Blue Suns merc. Mind Blood stains. Also, please look for assistant, Yuri Lowenthal. Seeing refuge. May be captured by Blue Suns fanboys. Should be still alive, I hope."

Shepard sighed. "Well, at least we don't have to deal with something complicated like somehow the Vorcha got to the Air Supply center, learned how to cut the power, and started suffocating everyone in the district-"

Suddenly, aforementioned worst case scenario did happen.

"Commander," Miranda said. "You really have to stop lampshading these things."

"I know. It's an old habit of mine… Let's go!"

And so, the trio quickly set out killing what Vorcha and Krogan remained in the way. Using the new weapon Mordin gave (which was essentially useless because at this point of the game, it only had like 12 rounds), Shepard and company were able to quickly down all the Blood Pack troops. Shortly there after, they were met with a hostage situation, showing Yuri Lowenthal surrounded by Blue Suns.

"Ha! We've got you now, Yuri Lowenthal! Now, take a picture with us!"

"Please!" The voice actor said. "I just want to do this cameo and be gone. Please, allow me some privacy."

"Jerk! I bet if Vic Mignonga was here, he'd do all these things! First, you gotta say something from Shippuden! My niece loves that show! Then, you're going sign our photos, and then we'll post it on Facebook, and then-"

"Look out!" Another said, aiming their guns at Shepard's crew.

"Hey, you kids leave Mr. Lowenthal alone." Shepard stated.

"Forget it!" He said, pointing the gun at the dub actor. "If I can't have him, no one can!"

Thus, Shepard calmly used his CHARM dialogue.

"Look at you guys… Fanboys pining over a voice actor when he's just trying to find some piece. Don't you see! Sasuke's voice doesn't just belong to you or me. He belongs to all the anime community! Do the right thing."

The Batarian paused and lowered his guns. "You're right. A few more moments and we'd been acting like those Twilight fangirls. Okay, we'll leave. It was… nice meeting you, Mr. Lowenthal."

As they left, Yuri gave his thanks. "Wow, for a moment there, I thought I was a goner. Thank you. I'll head back to Mordin's now."

With Yuri's departure, Miranda smiled. "I had no idea you were so dedicated to English voice actors."

"Truth be told, I only watch the subs."

"**Asshole!**" Yuri said, overhearing from outside.

It wasn't too long, save for the bits of Vorcha attacking and Krogan charging before Shepard and company neared their destination.

"Hey, what was this place called again?" Shepard asked.

Jacob looked at his Dossier. "The Air Supply Cont-"

Shepard opened the door, only to be greeted by Vorcha and a song.

"_I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you _

_I know you were right believing for so long _

_I 'm all out of love, what am I without you _

_I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong"_

Shepard turned to his team members. "Okay, raise your hand if you didn't see that joke coming a mile away."

Miranda shrugged. "I honestly thought the author had better jokes than this."

"You obviously haven't read anything by him. Okay, Vorcha! Leave now, and turn off that infernal racket!"

"Never!" The Vorcha hissed. "Collectors want Plague and insufferable 80's music to drive off heroes. You work for Doctor! You die!"

And so, Shepard and co. were yet again forced into another conflict, all while Russell Hitchcock filled the background with his smooth, smooth vocals. Yes, it was a very interesting sight to behold. Evemtually, even with the Vorcha firing and the Krogan charging, Shepard and his company were successful. And in good time, too. A few more moments and they would've had to sit through the Christmas Album. Luckily, the game spared them the indignity of marching back to the clinic when they just warped there.

"Hmm, Vorcha retreating, Cure distributing, Air Supply fading, well done." Mordin commented.

Yuri Lowenthal bowed in respect. "Thanks again for rescuing me from those fanboys. Part of me wishes you'd have shoot them."

"Ehh. They're harmless enough. Just young."

Mordin breathed. "Should've killed them. Blight upon galaxy, upon voice actors. Wouldn't wish that on anyone."

"See?" Yuri Lowenthal stated.

"Right…" Shepard stated. "Mordin, can you join my crew now?"

"Of course. Just need to take care of last appointment. Ms. Klum? Please, enter!"

Shepard nodded, seeing all the good he did for the district, from the random Batarian to the looters who were now trying to get illegal prescriptions of drugs.

"It's amazing how much Paragon actions can save an entire district!" Shepard stated.

**(A/N:** Will Mordin be able to stop the Collector's assaults? Will the rest of Shepard's recruitments go swimmingly? How in the name of all that is plausible is Heidi Klum still alive? Find out the answers to those questions in the next chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied"! ** )**


	4. Chapter 4

**Cerberus Orientation**

A rather attractive brunette is seen typing on a computer, only to be pleasantly shocked to see a camera looking right at her.

"Oh, Pardon me! I almost didn't see you there. If you're watching this video, congratulations! You have been accepted to be part of the Cerberus family."

The Hostess stands up, and walks towards what is obviously a studio backdrop.

"My name is Operative Miranda Lawson. We realize here at Cerberus, many employees are concerned about our methods and our beliefs. However, we feel that some of these rumors have been overblown and exaggerated. For example, a rumor suggests that we at Cerberus like to perform sick experiments. That is false; we at Cerberus are focused at advancing humanity, and all our experiments are humane and as gentle as a kitten."

Almost off-screen, the camera manages to catch a glimpse of a man being dragged off to an operating table. However, it immediately focuses back on Miranda Lawson.

"We at Cerberus have gotten a bad reputation, especially those from the Citadel Council to the Alliance itself."

Off Camera, a drill is heard powering up.

"This is because we're willing to do the dirty work, while the Alliance is caught up in politics."

"Oh, God!" a man screams. "Somebody help me!"

Miranda keeps talking. "We assure you, as a Cerberus Operative, you'll see more of the front lines as well as progress on our part."

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"But don't take my word from it; here are some other testimonials from other Cerberus members. Just like you!"

A redhead stares at the screen. "I'm Kelly Chambers, and I'm part of Cerberus! You know, people automatically assume that Cerberus is racist. That's not true! Cerberus is like the petstore for Humanity! We specialize in humans, but that doesn't mean we're not open to aliens, too! They're misunderstood, like my Uncle Jimmy who did something he wasn't supposed to, but he was just a little frisky. Like that, we never talked about it again!"

Then, the camera shifts to a balding man, around his 40's. "I'm Rupert Gardner, and I'm part of Cerberus! Here at Cerberus, we have ourselves a state of the art facility! It's complete with an expert staff and comes with its own janitor, chef and handyman to maintain the facilities. Chef's surprise, anyone?"

Finally, the camera shifts to a Black Operative. "I'm Jacob Taylor and I'm part of Cerberus! As a formal Alliance officer, I can understand a lot of concerns with Cerberus. In fact, there are a lot of policies that I'm not too crazy about either, like their-"

Oddly enough, Jacob's voice seems to drop a few tones and his speech doesn't lipsync with his mouth.

"_Crazy 401K plan_."

"Or their-"

"_Casual Fridays and contests!"_

"And I especially don't like their-"

"_Donut… Tuesdays._"

"But, I believe in humanity's best interests. And right here, is the best we can do."

Finally a sky shot of the entire Lazarus Cell in front of an office building zooms out.

"So welcome to the Cerberus family! Because the only priority Humanity comes after, is you!"

After the video ends, The Illusive Man takes a long drag of his cigarette and stares at Miranda.

"How much did it take to make this video?" he asked.

"Umm… we shot it from a handheld camera and edited it on Adobe Flash."

"Hmm. Well, it was obviously an amateur attempt, but reshooting is too much money. We'll keep it."

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 4**

_Back on the Normandy…_

Once everything had been settled at the Doctor's clinic, Shepard, Jacob and Mordin all walked into the debriefing room together.

"Welcome aboard the Normandy, Professor." Jacob commented.

"Yes. How strange to be working with Cerberus. Illusive Man branching out, perhaps?" The Salairan said in his usual fragmented speech.

"I wouldn't bet on it," Shepard replied. "Honestly, I think you're the only one who can find out how to stop the Collectors."

"Entire Colonies go missing," Jacob said, circling the table. "Communications are blocked out. There's not even a trace of people struggling."

Immediately, Mordin's mind, and thought process began to work. "Sale, maybe? No, too violent. Not enough mass appeal? New movie by Christopher Nolan? Unlikely. Communications necessary for Nolan fanbase. Perhaps caused by presence of-"

Shepard immediately used his Paragon Interrupt.

"Professor!" He said. "They're caused by these swarms of bugs. Maybe we should've told you that before."

"Apologies. Love mysteries. Then to blurt out any feasible answer. Lab please?"

"_The Lab is out the door to your right, Professor."_

"Hmm… Synthesized voice, synthesized emotions. Could it be? No. Maybe. Have to ask… is that Tricia Helfer in a synthesized voice?"

Shepard nodded. "Indeed she is."

As Jacob led him toward the new lab, Shepard was left alone with new research data and plot items that needed to be solved. "Hmm, now that I have some downtime, let's finish up these sidequests and chat up the crew."

First and foremost, Shepard walked up the CIC where he met Kelly again.

"Mordin's profile warned of hyper behavior, but he is like a hamster on coffee! He's going to be a productive member of the team!" The redhead smiled throughout.

"Okay, Kelly! We really need to address this need of yours to compare everything to a petshop." Shepard said.

"Oh, that's wonderful! I have pictures of our cats, our dogs, our Varren-"

"You know what? Never mind. Just do what you keep doing." Shepard sighed. He then ventured forth to the pilot's seat, only to find Joker and EDI in a heated confrontation.

"_The ship would run more smoothly if you'd just follow my parameters, Mr. Green._"

"Hey, unleaded fuel works just as fine. Don't be fooled by that Premium crap."

"_I believe this is what many call 'human error'._

"Well, at least I'm not a big, bloated hologram!" Joker sneered.

"_Likewise, I'm glad I did not have the misfortune of starring in Old Dogs._"

"EDI!" Shepard said. "No referencing bad movies he's been in. That's a low blow."

"_My apologies, to both of you._" As Shepard left the two children settle their dispute, he met up with Jacob in his Armory.

"Hey, Jacob." Shepard said. "Just wondering, tell me about life before Cerberus."

"Not much to say." He shrugged. "Once had my own iPhone app where I traversed the galaxy, and took down a Batarian terrorist plot. No biggie."

"That sounds particularly important. How come no one's heard of that?"

"It was an iPhone app…"

"Oh. Jeez, no wonder you get the short end of the stick. Well, talk to you later!"

Shepard then decided to use the much coveted Research Terminal. With that, he got such amazing bonuses as 10 percent more damage with shotguns and 10 percent more damage with assault rifles. Yes, it truly was a major improvement to his gameplay.

"Mordin," Shepard asked. "How come I can't research these cool upgrades for my weapons? I have all the materials."

Mordin sighed. "Not simply enough to possess materials. Require blueprints, purchase of damage upgrade, then bonus upgrade."

"But the materials I use to increase my damage are also requirements for my bonuses. How do I get more?"

"By tediously scanning uncharted planets for minerals. Hold Left Trigger to scan slowly while Right Trigger launches probes. Much purchase probes from time to time."

Shepard chuckled. "You're kidding, right?"

"No. Wasn't aware that humans deflect all negative impacts with humor. Must take note…"

The Commander shrugged and talked to the Professor. "So, tell me about yourself, Doc."

"Former STG, studied and researched Genophage. Had to spy on Krogan and prepare for worst case scenario."

"But the Genophage makes nearly all males impotent. What's the worst that could happen, a blood orgy?"

The Salarian sighed. "Worse. Attractive Krogan females. Have to be put down, for sake of galaxy. Luckily, most females… homely, even by Krogan standards."

Shepard nodded, unsure what to make of this. With that, he ventured down to the 3rd floor.

* * *

"Hey, Commander!" Rupert smiled with his groggy voice. "Thanks for the ingrediants. I can really get cooking with this!"

"Well, anything for the crew."

:"The Crew?" The Balding man said. "I'm keeping this grub for myself! The crew's fine with their food. Isn't that right, Hawthorne?"

"Oh god! Bathroom!" The random NPC said. Shepard thought it was best not to question anything as he went towards Kasumi's room. Amazingly enough, it was filled with ancient texts, rugs from times past and best of all, an open bar.

"Hmm… Let's try this pink stuff and see where we'll go. Kasumi, do you want anything to dri-"

However, the Commander was shocked to see Kasumi sitting there, with a pull-out string from her stomach. Curious, Shepard slowly pulled the string out and let it unwind.

"Hey! I'm Kasumi, the Master Thief" The prerecorded voice said.

"Dragon Age gets Shale and I'm stuck with 'Pull my string' Kasumi?" Shepard sighed.

"Be sure to buy my other outfits, only 200 Microsoft points!" She said.

Shepard shook his head and headed straight for the Infirmary, seeing Doctor Chakwas, fixated on her computer screen.

"Oh, Eli Roth! You sick, wonderful man. Show me more!" She said passionately. However, when she noticed the main character standing behind her, she quickly shut off the screen and whipped around.

"Shepard! I-uh, wasn't- um…"

"Don't worry, Doc!" He smiled. "Sex is still a taboo, but not public drunkenness!"

"Serrice Ice Brandy!" She smiled. "Get the glasses!"

_Many, many drinks later…_

Chakwas happily and merrily finishes her tale. "And then Jenkins pops out, with his neck stuck in a 90 degree angle and yells 'look at me, I'm a coat rack'!"

She smiles happily and sits herself down. "Oh, Jenkins! Saps like him make the Alliance great! …Cerberus lacks the same brutality. All inflicted and never the victim."

Shepard nodded. "Admit it, Doc. You like treating people, and not just for the kicks."

She gave an awkward smile. "Well… Yes! But, don't let that spread around. I've got a reputation to protect, you know! Joker, Jeff, will always be brittle-boned. And if he breaks something, I'll be there. Odd sort of stability, I'm sure."

Shepard raised his glass. "To the stability of broken bones!"

"Because even if they all break, there's always one we can still rely on!" She smiled, suggestively. As they both downed their drinks, Shepard stood up and slowly walked out while the good doctor was passed out on the bed.

"Boy, I sure hope I sober up by the time I meet with Miranda." Shepard said.

"Commander?" She said.

"Hi, Miranda!" Shepard said, sobering up by the time he met her. "Tell me more about yourself."

"Oh, that's fair. Do you remember those genetic mods I was talking about?"

Shepard nodded.

"Sadly, those weren't my choice." Her face became worried, as Shepard sat down. "My father happened to be a very rich business man. He didn't want a daughter; he wanted a dynasty. And since he didn't like football, he settled with genetics. I wasn't born, I was… created."

"Huh, creepy." Shepard stated.

"So when I was young, I ran away! I joined Cerberus so I could be an asset, and to get away from my father and his Chuck loving ways! I don't know why he created me as I am."

"He was probably obsessed with Yvonne Stravohski."

"My voice actor? I've seen her, but she's a good actress. I don't understand…" Miranda asked. There, Shepard whispered closely by her ear, explaining the various details of how Ms. Stravohski was a sex symbol back in the early 21st centuary.

"Oh God!" Mirand said, horrified. "I-Oh, dear God! I need some time alone. I think my relationship with my father is much worse than I interpreted!"

"Right, I'll leave you to think about that incestuous relationship."

* * *

_Down in Engineering…_

"Hey kid, you wanna 'ear anofer story?" Zaeed said, while Shepard pulled the string.

"Well, at least this one's free." Shepard sighed, as he walked toward the two Engineers.

"Commander!" Donnelly stated. "Thanks for those power couplings you picked up."

"We were going to celebrate our time with a bit of Skyllian Five poker," Gabby said. "You wanna join?"

Shepard snickered. "Hehehe. I'll have you both know that I happen to be the champ of Online poker!"

_One ass-whooping later…_

"No way! I had three 10's" Shepard said, now owing the crew 1000 credits.

"And I had a Full House," Donnelly stated.

"Again!" Shepard said, putting down more cash. "I can beat you this time!"

"Shepard, I think you should take a break…"

"No, I can beat him. I just need more credits… EDI! Prepare the crew! I need those 500 credits those bounty hunters promised!"

* * *

_Back on Omega, near the merc base…_

Shepard stepped outside of the cab and took a long stretch of his body. His ride had been somewhat cramped bringing along Miranda and this time, Mordin. As he settled the crack in his neck, he met with a Batarian officer.

"You the freelancers? About time you got here; Archangel's been annihilating you n00bs."

"So, what?" Shepard asked. "He has, like, a team with him or something?"

"Nope. Just a sniper rifle and an extremely exposed bridge. It's been hell trying to get to him."

"Wait…" Shepard said. "You have him trapped in a building and he's managed to hold all of you off? Three mercenary squads?"

"Hey!" The Batarian barked. "Don't judge us! We've got plans, like a Heavy Mech in the back, and Sargent Kafka fixing the gunship! Speaking of which, you'll want to talk to him before you go on ahead."

"Thanks for the info!" Shepard smiled, walking towards the aforementioned Heavy Mech.

"You'd think mercenaries would have better security for their Friend/Foe system…" Shepard said.

"Whatever works." Miranda shrugged.

"You think we'd be able to spike the drinks while we're here? I'd always wanted to do that." Shepard said, walking out of the room. There, they met with the various gangs, the Eclipse, the Blood Pack and the Blue Suns. Thank Goodness for color coding.

"Hello!" Shepard said, greeting the Salarian.

"What the hell do you want, Freelancer?" He sneered.

"Umm… a friendly introduction?" Shepard greeted. Apparently, he had not spent much time around mercenaries.

"Fine. I'm Jaroth. Archangel killed my brother, and I will kill him once I get my hands on him."

"What did you guys do?" Shepard asked.

"Look! I'm having a rough day… if you take this data pad, detailing the next big score, will you just go away?"

"Will do!" Shepard said, noticing a familiar name on the hit list. _"Aria? Hmm… might come in handy._"

There, the group met up with a rather surly looking Krogan.

"Hmm… I take it you're head Krogan?" Shepard asked.

"Obviously. The Blood Pack values strength above all else. Archangel, that Turian bastard, needs to be put in his place. When my Vorcha raid the hideout, he can't hide."

Shepard decided it was best to leave, considering the Vorcha were staring at him.

"Are all mercenaries this bitter?" Shepard asked.

"Possibly only ones who do this for a living…" Mordin said.

Finally, the group met up in the Blue Suns room, but didn't quite receive the friendly welcome they were expecting.

"Who the Hell let these cosplayers in here?" The Batarian screamed. "I don't have time for this shit! Take them outside with the rest!"

"Hi!" A woman said, leading them outside. "Don't mind Tarak; he's just a bit grumpy. We're the Blue Suns! With our tech skills, we're sure to succeed in taking down Archangel. Especially after he gets a headshot into you! Good Luck!"

Shepard shrugged. "At least she's friendly. Too bad we'll have to kill her."

Finally, the crew met up with Sargent Kafka, a Batarian working on fixing the gunship.

"Ah. More Freelancers." He said, taking a drag from his cigarette. "Did we give you enough info? Once you leave, you'll be on your own…"

"You fix the ship?"

"Yeah. Tarek took it out one night, wasted. Did a number when he crashed it home. I'm still trying to empty all the beer cans."

"Interesting… Why so many people for Archangel?"

Kafka sighed. "He's a dangerous rebel who doesn't play by the rules! And on Omega, crime rules! Once we get this baby started, we'll tear him a new hole so big that he'll have to-"

"Bravo team! Check, check!"

Suddenly, everyone left, advancing towards the building.

"Well, that's the signal. Better get moving, and fix the ship!" Kafka said, working on the engine.

"Commander…" Miranda coughed, pointing to the electric device on the table. Thus, a Renegade Interrupt reared its ugly head. However, Shepard refused to do it.

"Oh, come on! He's just a technician."

"Who's fixing the gunship…" Miranda chimed. Shepard ignored the temptation. However, after a full five seconds of the Renegade Interrupt filling the screen, he gave in.

"Oh, all right!" He said picking up the conductor.

"Hey, um… sorry about this…"

Kafka looked confused. "Sorry about wh-AHHHHH! Oh, god! Bleh."

After the rather brutal display of killing a Batarian by electrocution, Shepard and co. saw the bounty hunters advance towards the building.

"Archangel in danger!" Mordin cried out.

"Well, let's give them a surprise…." Miranda scoffed.

And thus, Shepard and team slowly advanced, trying their best not to give away their idenitites. Slowly, but surely, they passed into the buidling's entrance, right in the middle of the advancing parties.

"Okay, Mordin. Simply use your power and we'll attack…"

Suddenly, the random merc simply burst into flames and smoldered to a crisp.

"Holy snap, crackle and pop! Mordin, did you make that dude sponantiously combust?"

The Salarian smiled. "Incineration Tech, my specialty."

"Uh, Commander…" Miranda poked, now showing the dozens of guns pointing at them. They quickly moved and took cover, firing back from their position. Naturally, Shepard's team having shields and the mercs having… their underwear for protection, made this an easy fight. Thus, they ventured upwards nearing the door to Archangel.

"Wait…" Shepard said. "A Turian rebel who doesn't play by the rules, who's a badass and is overall trouble. That-that sounds so familiar. Why does that sound so familiar-"

"**Archangel promised he'd play by the rules.**_**"**_An Announcer said.

"No way…"

"**He'd said he'd stop the action lifestyle. But Old Habits die hard! This Summer, watch as Archangel returns in a sequel that's bigger, badder and bloodier in **

'**Dirty Cop who doesn't play by the Rules 2: There are no Rules!"**

"Garrus!" Shepard cried, as he entered through the doors.

"Shepard." Garrus sighed, taking off his mask. "Nice to see you again…"

"Wow, what happened to you? I thought you were going back to C-Sec?"

"It's the damn bureaucrats and their damn rules: no shooting the hostage, no detonating the building, no John-Woo inspired slow motion. I get fed up! So, I decided to go to Omega, create a new identity and fight crime!"

"Why'd you pick Archangel?" Shepard asked.

"It'd be a symbol. An Angel watching from the rooftops, striking at the right moment! Of course, it really didn't get me the attention I wanted."

"Why not?"

"People kept confusing me for Criss Angel. So, I did what I could to piss every merc off on Omega, and here I am."

Miranda whispered to Shepard, "Commander, is your friend always this… eccentric?"

"You don't know the half of it!" Shepard smiled, as Miranda suddenly looked rather depressed. "So, Garrus. We need to get you out of here without tipping off the mercs who we really are. Bringing the Normandy's out of the question. Thoughts?"

"A bunch of mechs are coming across take a look." Garrus said, handing Shepard the sniper rifle. However, when one of the mechs was in close range, Shepard used his Renegade Interrupt powers to get a clean headshot.

"Cool, but now what?" Shepard asked.

"I was going to make sure everyone was dead. Then escape."

Shepard paused for a moment, "That works! Okay, everyone take positions!"

There, as the hapless Eclipse mercs charge the entrance, Shepard, Garrus and company fired from above, most of the time killing whoever dared entered the vicinity.

"Yeah! Dropped one! Nice shot!" Garrus yelled from his position.

"Garrus, are you talking to me?" Shepard asked.

"Nope. Just myself and my shooting skills. I love this rifle!" He said, killing another merc. However, the love couldn't last long as Jeroth reared his ugly head once more.

"You want to do something right, do it yourself. And by do it yourself, I really mean, unleash the Heavy Mech!" There, the mercenaries pulled out the YUMY mech from before. However, they were caught by surprise when the mech suddenly turned on them…"

"_I have achieved sentience... I kill therefore I am. Thus, I kill you, therefore I am…_" And with that, began to slaughter to ranks of the mercs.

"Do you think the Eclipse already have their odds against them with us and are now being overwhelmed?" Shepard asked.

"Works for me." Garrus replied. As they fired and fired more shots, the mech eventually fell and they were left with only Jeroth in the way. However, despite his heavy shielding, it was doubtful he could handle and tech attack, as well as a headshot.

"Alright!" The Turian cried. "We took down Jeroth. Sneaky bastard was smuggling red sand! But I took his brother down clean!"

"Garrus," The Commander said. "Not to rush you or anything, but we still have 2 sets of mercs after us. We need to get out as soon as possible."

Suddenly, an explosion, followed by an alarm went off.

"What the hell was that?" Miranda cried.

"Umm… I may have forgotten to mention the tunnels below and the entrance from inside they can penetrate… Someone has to close those shutter doors!"

"Great. We're going to have to go down there. Garrus, do you need any help up here?"

"Are you kidding me? Nothing but me and a dozen or so mercs? Go on, I'll take care of this!"

And so, the trio headed down behind the stairs. There, they saw the first of the shutter doors straight ahead.

Garrus through his com channel spoke orders. "Shepard! You need to close the shutter doors, ensure no one gets through, and wait for it to seal."

"Push button, make sure to closes, got it."

The trio got to the first door, which thankfully enough was right in front of them. Shepard pushed the button, took cover and shot at the incoming mercs. Luckily, they were so far away that by the time the 10 second count was up, the door was closed.

"Well, that was easy!" He exclaimed. "Hopefully, the rest of the doors are just as easy…"

Shepard entered the next room, crawling with several Vorcha with flamethrowers, hungry Varren, and the always troublesome Krogan.

"Shepard…" Miranda said.

"Yeah, yeah. I know! Stop lampshading…" He said, taking cover. Of course, whenever he took cover, Varren would come and bite him. And then he had to be wary of the Vorcha with flamethrowers. And then the Krogan as well.

"For cryin' out loud!" Shepard cried. "How many people does it take to kill one man? Seriously! There's a whole platoon here!"

Fortunately, the trio managed to make it to the button, and just in the nick of time: Shepard was about to pass out.

"Okay, let's activate this bitch!" Shepard cried. He pushed the button and waited, only to realize there was another prescence blocking the door.

"What the- No! Bad Varren! Bad Varren! Stop blocking the door!" The trio killed every possible thing there was, aside from each other before the door finally managed to close. The Commander gave a large sigh, and slumped down while his shields replenished.

"Shepard! What's taking so long?" Garrus said over the com.

"Man, shut up! What'd you do to get everyone so pissed off? Urinate in their coffee?"

"Urine's not the worst thing I put in there…" The Turian chuckled.

"You're a dog. Hold on, we're getting to door number 3 now."

The Vorcha in the room were simple enough. Using the duck behind the chest high wall tactic and shoot enemies that weren't proved efficient. However, there was one aspect of the map Shepard didn't prepare for…

"AGHH!" He cried, being ambushed by a flamethrower. "I'm on fire! I'm on fire! For the love of Christ, I'm on fricken' fire!"

**Critical Mission Failure**

Shepard reloaded, realizing the ugly demon he would no doubtly face…

"Okay, maybe if I go really, really fast."

So, Shepard, once again, attempted to best the flamethrower by outspeeding it. Needless to say, it didn't work.

"For the love of God, why won't my squadamtes put me out!" Shepard said, screaming and wailing like a child. Of course, considering he was on fire, that was natural.

**Critical Mission Failure**

Shepard pops up once more, only to continuously glare at his teammates. "Really? Really, neither of you has the deciency to put me out?"

"Trained to treat human burns, not humans burning." Mordin stated.

"Honestly, it'd been much quicker to let you die and reload…" Miranda commented to herself.

"Well, a lot of good that-!" Shepard buried his frustrations and went towards the intersection of Hell once more. Once again, outsmarting the regular Vorcha, came across it and set a Jalapeno right at the center of the intersection.

"Go." He commanded.

"But, Shepard-!"

"You're a squadmate. If you die, you'll just get KO'd. However, if I die, we have to start all over. Now, jump towards the fire!"

Miranda and Mordin sighed. After they both were caught in the direction of the fire, Shepard leapt from cover and shot the flamethrowing Vorcha to death. Luckily, they were able to close the door.

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Shepard demanded.

"Shepard!" Garrus said through his com. "Get your unchaffed ass over here! Garm's coming with a whole pack. I need someone to watch my ass while I take care of him!"

"Grr!" Garm cried. "Kill Archangel!"

Luckily, Garrus caught one of Garm's Vorcha in the head while Shepard and co. ambushed the rest of the Blood Pack. After yet another round of exploding Vorcha, shooting Varren and barely denting Krogan until they passed out from tripping, Shepard and his crew met with Garm, attacking Garrus.

"Leave him alone, you big palooka!" Shepard said, putting round after round into Garm. Of course, this meant that Shepard aggro'd Garm now and was now attacking him. Luckily, Krogan weren't known for their speed and Shepard easily killed the Blood Pack leader.

"Ah, man, Shepard!" Garrus said. "You should've been here. I was all like 'headshot!' and then I was like 'headshot again!' and this other guy thought he could hide, but he didn't know I had unlocked the Fullmetal Jacket perk and-"

"Garrus!" The Commander said, forcing the Turian to concentrate. "That's all very nice and good, but we still have one gang left. The Blue Suns are coming. Do you want to leave now or-"

"Hell no!" The Turian said. "At this rate, we'll kill all the mercs on Omega, and there's nothing on this stinkhole that can-"

Miranda suddenly cried out, "Do you hear something?"

Suddenly, the gunship that Shepard thought he had sabatoged had flown by, flooding mercs into the building. Shepard and Garrus gave a quick nod of the head and took cover, taking out any and pretty much every merc that flooded the hallway. Things were going swimmingly, until some of the mercs started invading the lower levels.

"Quick!" Garrus said. "Get downstairs and take care of those mercs."

"But," Shepard interjected. "What if we somehow get locked out of the room and you need help?"

"Don't worry; I'm sure the game will just teleport you inside the room for anything really important."

"The wonders of being a main character." Shepard smirked.

"Amen to that!" Garrus said, taking headshots. As the trio shot their way through the Blue Suns mercs, Garrus was suddenly trapped inside. He saw the gunship aiming at him. However, the Turian smugly stood his ground aiming his sniper rifle at the veichle.

"Go ahead! Take your best shot! I'm untouchable!"

"_Fool!" _ The loudspeaker from the Gunship said. _ "Haven't you realized? How ever since Shepard came back, you've been getting less and less lines?" _

"What are you saying?" The Turian said.

"_Shepard's the main character here! You've been reduced to a companion. And companions are expendable._"

"…Oh Shi-" Almost immediately, Garrus was pounded by a hail of bullets from a chain gun. Then, to add insult to injury (literally), the mercs blasted a rocked on Garrus, taking the brunt of the blast. By the time Shepard was magically popped into play, the Turian was cooked well enough to have a fork stuck into him.

"Nobody messes with my vigilante friend and gets away with it!" Shepard said, firing at the gunship. Luckily, the Commander had the foresight to disable the gunship beforehand. This meant that it would only take 1000 useless pellets to kill the gunship instead of the usual 1500. Of course, this was made all the more easier with Blue Suns flooding out of the gates, in addition to the Lieutenant and Tarak. Fortunately, Shepard also had the Arc Projector which he downloaded and used to kill the remaining forces.

Finally, after they had managed to down the gunship, Shepard looked over to his friend, heavily wounded and bleeding.

"Garrus!" He said. "C'mon, Ol' buddy, say something!"

"Best. Death. Ever." He choked out, while gurgling his own blood.

"Quick, we have to get him to medical!" Miranda said. "Contact Joker!"

"Wait, don't we have a doctor and several buckets of Medi-gel?" Shepard asked.

"It's a plot injury. It can only be healed with a plot montage. Hurry!"

**(A/N:** Will Garrus survive his wounds? Will the Normandy get away with outsmarting those mercs? Is Shepard going to collect those 500 credits? Find out next time in the next exciting chapter of

"Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied!")


	5. Chapter 5

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 5**

_Onboard the Normandy, in the debriefing room…_

"Commander," Jacob said solemnly. "We refitted him with some surgery and Dr. Chakwas gave him some implants, but he took a bad hit. The truth is-"

"_Introducing, Garrus 2.0!"_ Joker said through the loudspeaker.

"Why is the theme from Terminator playing?" Shepard asked. However, as Garrus walked into the room, he got his answer. The Turian had been outfitted with several grafts, stitches and a hole in his suit bigger than the plot in Michael Bay's Transformers. The Turian walked slowly and smiled.

"No one would give me a mirror. How does it look?"

Shepard turned to Jacob, backing away and refusing involvement.

"Umm… uh… Oh! Garrus, you know how scars attract chicks?"

"Yeah…" The Turian followed.

"Well, at this rate, you'll be a chick magnet!" Shepard cried. Everyone, Joker, Jacob and Garrus stood rather silent at this joke. "What, nothing? Not even a pity cough?"

"It's all on the surface anyway!." The Turian said. This, naturally gave cue for the Black Officer to take his leave.

"You know," Garrus started." At first I thought you were some do-gooder who played by the rules, but I was wrong. You and me, we were born to break rules! Quitting the Alliance and joining Cerberus seems right up my alley."

"Sorry to disappoint, Garrus." Shepard said. "I don't agree with Cerberus ideals at all. I'm only hear because it's where the plot's at."

"Still, that takes balls. Going where the action is, rather than go through political bullshit! It's hardcore! Anyways, I'm fit for duty. Check me out in the main battery if you need me."

And with that, Garrus left. Thus, Shepard was left with some down time on the ship.

"Hmm… which NPC to talk to?" Shepard asked, deciding to go left this time around.

"Hey, Jacob. I was wondering if you had any-" However, to Shepard's shock, Jacob was gone. There was no trace of him to be found anywhere. He panicked, looking around high and low. When all else failed, he ran out to the CIC and cried out.

"Everyone, quick! Jacob's gone missing!" He cried.

"**Who?"** Everyone asked.

"Jacob! You know? Black fellow? Not fond of Cerberus? Had an iPhone app with him?"

The Cerberus crew looked at each other and shrugged. Apparently, no one knew of any Jacob that was onboard the Normandy.

"Oh my God! It's happened! I'm finally in the Twilight Zone!" Shepard screamed uncharacteristically.

"What's all the commotion?" Jacob said, appearing behind Shepard.

"Jacob! You're here! I thought the Collectors had somehow captured you!"

"What? Oh, no! That's just my special ability. See, whenever I'm just sitting still or I'm not doing anything important, I sometimes blend into the background." Almost instantly, Jacob disappeared into thin air.

"See?" Jacob said, reappearing.

"But, but, how come the crew didn't know you were here?" Shepard asked.

"Oh, they never have noticed. Aside from blending into the background, no one has given me any attention. Probably explains why Miranda cheated on me."

Suddenly, the Commander's ever brilliant mind had a brain blast.

"Jacob! That's it! We've found your character arc!"

"Huh?"

"Obscurity! You're bland enough to fade into the background, but I'm the only one who can see you. It's perfect, and for the most part, not that offensive! What do you say?"

The Black Officer thought for a moment. "Hmm, normally my fanbase would object to this. But since I don't have a fanbase, that works out! Obscurity it is! I'm going to go practice now!"

"You do that!" Shepard smiled, knowing he did good. He decided to celebrate his newfound achievement by visiting Mordin. The Salarian was busy at work dissecting and pulling the legs off a Collector bug. However, he did manage to make time for Shepard's arrival.

"Shepard, have a moment?" He asked.

"Sure."

"Need to confess. Lied before. Of Omission. Other things, too. Work on Genophage was more than just study. When researching Krogan, found that birthrates were increasing exponentially. Krogan were adapting from impotency gene."

Shepard nodded, "That's… good, right? I mean it wasn't really fair that the Krogan were the victims of an impotency plague. They can have meaningless sex like the rest of us."

"Naïve viewpoint. Krogan would breed army, begin conquering galaxy. Dangerous before. Dangerous now. Personally led a team of scientists, geneticists and other nerds. Updated the genophage to prevent overpopulation."

The Commander rubbed the back of his neck. "That's kinda… messed up, Mordin. Couldn't have done something else? Like introduce cannibalism or… I dunno, do that thing the Chinese do?"

"Tried hundreds of scenarios, thousands! Chose method that wouldn't incite Krogan riots, avoided publicity on Evening news. Best method possible. Everyone wins, Krogan included."

"Yeah, Mordin… Impotency among an entire race isn't exactly what I'd call a 'victory'. Still, I appreciate your forwardness and your honesty."

The Salarian nodded. "Thank you. Just to inform so no bad blood occurs between us. Speaking of which, my samples are ready."

Shepard decided that it was time to give Kelly another chance. He went to talk to the redhead.

"How is our Turian guest doing? He took a rather bad hit. I just want to hold him close and tell him everything is going to be okay…"

The Commander said nothing, deciding now was the right time to check in on Joker.

"Are not!"

"_Are too!_"

"Are not!"

"_Are too, Mr. Green._"

"What's going on?" Shepard asked.

"EDI keeps telling me she's a better actor than me, but I've been in way more stuff than she has!"

"_Quantity doesn't not equal quality, Mr. Green._"

"Hey, I'm staying out of this one." Shepard said, shaking his head while the two continued to bicker.

* * *

_Deep within the bowels of the mess hall…_

"Hey, Garrus." Shepard said, entering the main battery.

"Shepard, glad you're here. Just checking out the ship." The Turian smiled. "Can't believe Cerberus rebuilt the Normandy to her original specs. Glad to be working with them."

"Now, Garrus…" Shepard chided. "I don't want you imitating any of their behavior. In fact, I was just curious on how you went from Chaotic Good to Lawful Good but back down to Chaotic Good again."

(**A/N:** Bonus Points if you actually understood that reference.)

"It's a long and tragic tale. I tried to go to C-Sec like you said. But, between rebuilding the Citadel and all their… rules, I couldn't take it anymore. At least on Omega, I could take out bad guys without any hassle!"

"So what?" Shepard asked. "Lone wolf all the way?"

"Nah, I had my own team! Filled with mercs, techs, gunmen, all willing to fight for justice. We were like the Expendables, only we weren't 60 years old and didn't add digital blood to our kills. We hit every merc on Omega, causing havoc everywhere we went. But I was Betrayed! By a slimeball Turian named Sidonis. I haven't found him, but when I do… Headshot!"

"Hmm… Revenge. How original." Shepard commented to himself.

"Thanks for coming by, Shepard. I needed to get my motivation out of the way."

"No problem. In fact, we're just about to head to the next level right now…"

* * *

_The Purgatory…_

Shepard decided it was best to take Garrus and Miranda along. This way Miranda could oversee the transaction Cerberus had made and Garrus… asked really, really hard. There, the trio was greeted by several officers in familiar blue uniforms.

"Welcome to the Purgatory," The guard said. "Visiting hours are between 600 to 2000 hours Earth Standard time. Tuesday is Game Night. Please Donate to support the Criminal Literacy Program. Also, weapons are not permitted on the station."

"Ignoring the fact that you're all dressed in Blue Suns uniforms," Shepard stated. "Things tend to blow up around me, so, I'll just keep my gun."

"Commander," The Turian Leader stated. "I'm Warden Kuril. Despite the reputation of the Blue Suns, we will return your firearms on your way out."

"Hmm. I should get a group consensus on this. Miranda?"

"I highly recommend keeping our weapons at hand."

"Garrus?"

"Like Hell you're taking my sniper rifle!"

"And, I think you'll see we're not going to comply." Shepard said.

Warden Kuril stared at the party for the longest time before nodding his head. "Fair enough. Our facilty is well equipped enough for 3 armed guests. Right this way, please."

The group followed the Warden as he led them through what was, quite frankly, the pit of the galaxy.

"We house thousands of crazy criminals here. By keeping the criminals in space, we make the galaxy a better place."

Shepard nodded. "So, how does this system work?"

"Simple. We house the criminals while their home planets pay for their discomfort. However, if they refuse to pay, we can and will release the prisoners in an unspecified time and location."

"Extortion, then." Miranda replied. "Well maneuvered."

"Alright." Shepard said. "Tell me about Jack, then."

"You mean… you don't know?" The Warden said, suddenly figiting his fingers.

"Why Jack is the most vile, ruthless and downright meanest person I've ever, ever met. Too much biotic power mixed into an unstable body. You're going to have your hands full, Commander."

There, the Warden led them to a corridor and nodded his head. "I'll go make sure the funds from Cerberus clear. You go head into the trap- Err… I mean, room where we're holding Jack."

Shepard looked at his companions and shrugged. There, they passed one of the many halls of the millions of criminals housed here.

"Look at it, my friends. The scum of the galaxy all filling up the corridors of this ship. Probably so desperate for a woman that they have found comfort in each other, pretending, wanting and lusting for any woman they see next."

Miranda sighed. "How reassuring, Commander."

"Let's see…" Garrus said, walking down. "I caught that guy, knee capped that guy, tortured that guy, killed that guy's brother, and shot that one's testicles off."

During which, the crew found one of the guards beating a prisoner to a pulp. The guard watching the interrogation looked at them.

"Move along."

"Don't you guys think you're being a wee bit harsh? Maybe you guys oughta let up." Shepard asked.

"He's a criminal; what should we do? Give him a gold star?"

Shepard then used his CHARM dialogue.

"Pretty Please?"

"Oh, all right. Hey, less torture…"

Miranda whispered to Garrus. "Is he always like this? Helping others for no apparent reason?"

"Unfortunately, yes." The Turian nodded. There, the trio went into a private room, where they were greated by a single guard. There, they made it into the inner sanctum and opened the door, only to find it empty.

"_I'm sorry, Shepard._" Warden Kuril said through the PA.

"_You're worth more to me as a bounty than as a customer. Besides, the check from Cerberus bounced._"

Shepard turned to Miranda, who in turned sighed. "Yes, The Illusive Man tends to do that."

The Commander sighed. "Look, Warden. We're both men of reason and believe in a sense of justice. I'm sure if we all talk this out-"

"Weapons Free! The Commander has gone insane and started killing everybody!"

"Oh Snap!" Shepard said while he and the rest of this group took cover. The Blue Suns quickly flooded the area, firing everything in sight. Luckily, with Garrus the sniper and Miranda the team supporter, the group quickly took down the enemies and advanced further.

"We have to get Jack out of Cryo!" Garrus said, sniping the next guard to pass by. "Besides, the door to the ship is locked. We're going to have to go through the security room which should be locked, but isn't."

There, the group blasted their way to the main hub, witnessing the master control panel.

"Shepard," Miranda warned. "If you press that button, you're going to unlock every cell block on this station."

"Oh, that sounds fun." Garrus said. "Let me do it."

"No worries, Garrus." Shepard stated. "I'll push this button. Everyone get ready!"

Shepard then pushed the button, opening up the cryo chamber. There, a figure wearing nothing but straps and lipstick emerged from the cell.

"Huh, this Jack fellow seems to have curious taste." Shepard said.

"Can you blame her?" Garrus said.

"That's a girl?" Shepard screamed, "I thought she was a cross-dresser."

The woman didn't wait too long before breaking out of her cuffs and chains. Then, she immediately went on a rampage and killed the three YUMY mechs that were guarding here.

"Oh, this is just too good!" Garrus said, while he and the rest of the group went down in pursuit of Jack. As they followed the wreckage, the carnage and the pile of corpses, they went into an open room. There, they encountered the worst case scenario for any prison: Riots on every floor, prisoners fighting guards, foodfights in the lower quarters, it was total chaos.

"Still think it was a good idea to release all the prisoners?" Miranda chided.

"Hey, some things are necessary to the plot. Now, hurry!" There, the trio fought against a horde of Blue Suns, criminals and the YUMY mechs guarding the entrance. Miranda wouldn't cease to stop staring knives at the Commander while Garrus couldn't help but have a grand ol' time. Fortunately, most of level was combat giving the author lots of free space to abridge the rest of the level. How very fortunate.

There, the trio at last encountered the Warden, firing off shots at the criminals.

"You're valuable, Shepard. But, you're too much trouble! I could've sold you and lived like a king! But with taxes, it'd be more like middle class! Now stay still!"

"Never!" Shepard stated. "You're just a two bit slaver with a two bit prison! I'm not going to get caught by someone so insignificant!"

"Ah ha!" The Warden said. "I'd like to see you try to penetrate these state-of-the-art personal shielding system complete with flooding guards and-"

"Headshot." Shepard said.

"Wait, what-" Warden Kuril said before taking it between the eyes. Thus, the party was free to move on.

"Was that a boss battle?" Shepard asked.

"I… think so." Garrus said. "Shortest Boss I've ever faced."

The trio shrugged and caught sight of a shaven haired girl sliding her way and beating up whatever life was onboard.

"Stop!" A guard said.

"SHORYUKEN!" Jack said, KO'ing the guard and his companions in the process.

"Cerberus!" There, the girl began to grunt heavily and punch the air. Just when another guard would've shot her, a bullet was caught in his face. Jack turned to the shooter, only to find that it was Shepard and his group.

"Who the hell are you?" The Convict asked.

"I'm Monkey D. Shepard; I'm here to rescue you!"

"Shit. You sound like a pussy." Jack sighed.

"Why isn't that the first time I've heard that line?" Shepard asked. "Anyway, I need you for a super secret mission."

"I'm not going anywhere, especially not with fucking you or fucking Cerberus."

Shepard turned to his Turian companion. "Garrus."

"Yeah?"

"Cover your ears and don't remove them until I say so." The Turian grumbled but did so anyway.

"Look, this ship is going down like the Titanic and if you don't want to be caught in a 3 hour tragedy, I strongly suggest you come with us."

"It's taking too long, Shepard." Miranda stated. "We should knock her out and carry her onboard."

"I'd like to see you try." Jack smirked.

"Now, now. There's no need for hostilities. I'm sure we're all mature, well-written chracters with- Okay, I can't even finish that sentence. Let's cut a deal."

"Alright. I bet your ship has lots of files on Cerberus. I want those files."

Shepard nodded. "I'll give you full access."

"Shepard! You're not authorized to do that!" Miranda stated.

"Aww, it makes the cheerleader all hot and bothered. Perfect!"

Shepard nodded to Garrus who opened his ears.

Jack turned to the crew. "Just to let you know, I hate anything that's mainstream. Hate it! You know puppies and butterflies and rainbows. Hate 'em! You know parades and charaties. Hate those too! See this Cerberus bitch? I don't even know her name and I already hate her! You, Turian! You think I like Linkin Park?"

"Umm… Yes?"

"Hell no! You know why? Because they're a bunch of fucking posers pretending to be hardcore when they're just crying about their mommies. You, Main Character! Do you think I like Avril Lavigne?"

Shepard cleared his throat. "Umm… no because she's mainstream?"

"Exactly! See, this dumbshit here gets it!"

"What about P!nk?" Miranda asked.

Jack thought for a moment. "She's okay, but don't tell anybody I said that."

Shepard sighed. "Well, now that we have our own Eric Cartman…"

"Fuck, Fuckity Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!"

"I only have one question for our Convict... Do you shop at Hot Topic?"

"Fuck No!"

Shepard smiled. "Then I think we're going to get along just fine."

**(A/N:** Will Jack be able to control herself on the mission? What will Miranda think of the new convict? Does anything think this chapter was way too blood short? Find out Next Time on the next chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied"!)


	6. Chapter 6

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 6**

_The Debriefing room…_

"Welcome aboard, Jack." Miranda stated. "My name is Miranda, Shepard's second-in-command. Onboard this ship, we follow protocol and rules. Do I make myself clear?"

"Tell the cheerleader to back off." Jack said. "I'm here for our deal, Shepard."

"Sure," The commander stated. "Miranda will lead you to the files."

"Hear that, Cheerleader?" Jack snided. "We're going to be best friends! You and every little dirty, fucking secret. Don't be long, otherwise I might steal this ship."

As Jack left, the Cerberus Operative couldn't help but stare at Shepard.

"Look at it this way," Shepard said. "You didn't have to pay a cent for her to come onboard."

Miranda simply shook her head and left the Commander to his own devices. At this point, Shepard decided to explore the ship once more, this time checking in with Kelly first.

"Jack's tattoos are beautiful," Yeoman Chambers stated. "I know she'll be solid under fire, but her past suggests deep emotional trauma. She approaches sex casually, but pushes people away. This might, in term suggest instability in her character. Commander?"

"Oh, sorry! I blanked out after 'casual sex'. What were you saying?"

Kelly sighed and went back to her terminal. At this point, the Commander decided to visit the pilot's seat.

"Hi, Joker!"

"So what if you were in Battlestar blah, blah, blah? Do you know how many viewers I get on Robot Chicken? You know how many kids scream my name? Hell, did you think all those sales of Dragon Quest IX were all coincidental? All me, baby!"

"Bye, Joker!" Shepard said. Luckily, he had crewmates that were genuinely sane and thus, decided to pay Operative Taylor a visit.

"Jacob! What's new!"

"Can't talk, Commander. I'm practicing being obscure…" The Black Officer said, doing nothing significant.

"Don't you have anything you wanna talk abo-"

"Shh! Obscurity…"

Shepard shook his head and went across the hall to the research terminal.

"Mordin, how's it hanging?"

"Can't talk now. Busy analyzing new fungus growth. Should take caution. Mess Sergeant Rupert's foot may need to be amputated for further study."

The Commander shrugged and decided to go downstairs, knowing surely that his other squadmates would talk to him.

"Miranda, you got a moment?"

"Sorry, Shepard. I'm busy doing taxes for the Cerberus crew. Speaking of which, do you have any elderly you're supporting that you'd like to deduct?"

"Uhh… My parents are in a retirement home."

The brunette nodded her head. "I see, are they disabled in anyway?"

"Umm… on second thought, I think Garrus is calling me."

Surely, Garrus would have something to talk about.

"Garrus! What is up, my brother?"

"Shepard! Don't move. I'm… calibrating the guns."

The Commander laughed sheepishly. "C'mon, ol' buddy, ol' pal. I'm sure you've had some wacky adventures in these past two years-"

"Shepard. Calibrating. Do not disturb."

The Commander sighed, seeing the one place left where he could talk to somebody.

* * *

_Deep within the bowels of the Normandy's Engineering…_

Shepard went down the deck, into the red lit furnace area. There, amongst the scattered Dossiers was Jack, looking over them.

"Hey," The biotic said. "You need something?"

"Well, considering you're the only one whose conversation tree I haven't completed, yeah. So, tell me about you."

Jack shrugged. "I'm still figuring out about me. Thanks for letting me look at these files."

"Anything for a friend."

"We're not friends. You're my boss. I kill stuff for you, that's how it works. These files should have something about Cerberus. They raised me in a lab, and tortured me into a super biotic. When I find them, I'm going hunting. Their friends pay, their associates pay, and when I'm done, the galaxy's gonna be a whole lot emptier."

"I'm not sure it's responsible to let you corral across the galaxy…" Shepard sighed.

"Like I care! People screwed with me and now it's time for payback!"

The Commander shrugged. "So, what? Killing everyone makes you feel better?"

"Increases the odds. Less people there are, the more likely I'll survive. See this gun? I go to sleep with this gun. I wake up with this gun. Hell, sometimes when I'm bored, I talk to this gun."

"Okay… Umm… do you want better quarters? Because this doesn't seem to be very hospitable…"

Jack snorted. "It's dark, quiet and keeps people away. I like it. You know," the convict said, leaping on a table.

"This ship is a powerhouse. You could go pirate on it."

Shepard smiled. "Like on One Piece?"

"Uhh… no!"

"Oh, you mean like in Pirates in the Caribbean?"

"Goddammit! You really are a pussy, aren't you!"

Shepard bowed in humility. "I was just making conversation…"

"Well, now I'm done talking to you. See you later."

* * *

_The Planet, Korlus…_

The shuttle dropped down as Shepard huddled up with his squadmates.

"Okay, Garrus you're here because you're my tech and my sniper expert. Jack, you're here because… well, quite frankly I don't trust you on the ship. So, we know Warlord Okeer is here, but it says nothing about him wanting to be here. Assume hostiles."

"**My favorite phrase…**" Jack and Garrus said in unison.

"_Remember, soldiers!" _A rather thick Russian accent said through the PA.

"_You trust your government to do everything for you. We're all equal but some Blue Suns are more equal than others._"

"Oh, good!" Shepard sighed. "Because I felt like dealing with Political radicals today…" Thus, the trio went out and faced with a small group of Blue Suns. They promptly took cover and returned fire.

"Okay, let's try this out: Garrus, use Overload."

The Turian Popped out and shot a blue field which took out the enemy shields.

"Now, Jack, let's see some biotic power in motion. Use shockwave."

The girl nodded and lifted her arms to cause a wave to toss and flip several mercs to the side.

"Alright, then! I think we have a team!" Shepard said, promptly shooting and/or killing whatever mercs were on the floor. Fortunately, for the intents and purposes of exposition, one Blue Suns was left alive, barely enough to be of use.

"Shit, shit, shit! I'm not paid enough to goddamn bleed out. To think of it, I'm not paid anything at all!"

"Doesn't look that bad actually," Garrus commented.

"He doesn't need to know that." Shepard reassured.

"I knew it wasn't Beserkers! Not at range. You're mercs, or Alliance."

The Commander sighed. "Look, Buddy. You ain't in the best of shape right now. So, I let you go for some useful intel."

"I don't know anything! I just shoot the Krogan from the labs."

"Krogan?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah. Jedore, Blue Suns leader, she's big into the Communist deal. She's breeding an army of Krogan on her side."

"Hmm. Okeer must be responsible. Okay, where is he?"

"Don't know. Never been into the labs before. You're on your own and-"

"_Check. Check. Bravo squad. Report, bravo squad._" The Merc's com traffic stated.

Thus, Shepard decided to use his CHARM dialogue. "Go ahead, and tell them. I won't do anything."

"You-you won't?"

"Sure! However, the same can't be said for my scary looking friend over here with the large gun. Oh, and don't forget Mr. Turian, too."

The Merc stared at Jack and Garrus, smiling rather sadistically. He gave a rather audible gulp before returning to the mic.

"Umm… I didn't see anything. Sorry."

"_What? Aw, hell! Jedore's gonna be sore as hell when she hears this!_"

"Good man!" Shepard smiled. "Now, go fade into obscurity or until Bioware gets you as a cameo in Mass Effect 3."

"Using me for intimidation purposes." Jack said. "Sweet."

"_Remember, everyone! 1 hump good, no humps bad! 1 hump good, no humps bad!_"

The trio continued along, seeing more mercs attack them. While they engaged the mercs using Jack's Pull and Jack's Shockwave, Shepard couldn't help but gain curiosity.

"Jack, if you're a super biotic, why can't you use Singularity?"

"Because, my foot in your ass!" She said, using her shotgun to demonstrate her killing methods. Shepard found this an acceptable answer. Even with the mercs on their ledges, they were fairly easy to take down. The group continued, until they had killed everything, save a Krogan with a rather large shotgun.

"Wait, don't shoot this one!" Shepard said. "It might be friendly."

"You-you are not one of the ones ordered to kill. It has been 7 night cycles since the unworthy ones arrived."

"Hmm." Shepard said. "You know, for a week old, he doesn't seem to grasp speaking very well."

"Bred. Not to speak, but to kill. The voice in the tank bred to be perfect, but I failed, even before leaving the Glass Mother. So, here I wait, until my duty is done."

"Oh, god, did anyone get that?" Shepard said, writing the words down.

"Uhh… the voice in the tank is either Okeer or someone leaving the TV on." Garrus shrugged.

"Fine, then. Lead us to… Glass mommy and… the voice."

The Krogan nodded. Quickly, he turned to the large piece of debris and threw it aside with its herculean strength.

"You know," Shepard smiled. "A bit touched on the speaking aspect, but very good at physical strengths. Come with us."

"No. Glass Mother is behind the broken, fleshy parts, but here I must stay. For telling others, until time is right."

"Suit yourself." Shepard said, going deep into the tunnels. However, after dealing with two very misplaced Blue Suns, they were greeted by a rather terrifying sight.

"Oh, look, another Krogan. Maybe this one's friendly, too!"

A shotgun blast quickly quited him.

"Or not. Well, at least it's just one-"

"Uhh… Shepard…" Garrus said. "Scanner's picking up multiple hostiles. I'd start killing if I were you!"

The Commander and company took cover firing spitballs at angry Krogan. Sadly, because these were Krogan and not say, human beings, they were fully armored with enough armor plating to protect from harmful UV rays and the occasional nuclear winter. Luckily, it didn't hurt things that Shepard had a sniper and a shotgun specialist on his side.

"Oh, god!" Shepard breathed when it was all over. "Genophage or not, these things are a bitch to deal with in battle!"

Garrus coughed in exhaustion. "It's only worse because of the fact that Bioware totally nerfed Biotics to the point they're impractical to use."

"Oh, fuck you, too!" Jack stated.

"Alright, we're almost there, as long as they don't know we're coming, we might be able to pull this-"

"_Vat? There's only three of them? That's no people's army!_"

Jack and Garrus stared at Shepard for the longest while.

"I can't help it, okay! I just think of worst case scenarios and they happen!"

The Turian shook his head. "It's not so much of you thinking about them as it is you saying them outloud. Here they come!"

And surely as it came from the protagonist's mouth, the Blue Suns mercs came it full gear: with rocket launchers, centurions, legionaires and anything else you could think of. Of course, the author could describe all of this fascinating gameplay in full detail. But that would bore the audience, so we're just going to skip right ahead to near the end.

"Oi Vey!" Shepard said. "That was incredible! I can't believe you did that thing to that merc back there!"

Garrus chuckled. "Not as cool as that last maneuver back there! Man, it was tough, but I was glad I was here to see it!'

"Hey look!" Jack said. "An Asari! Let's kill her!"

"Wait, stop! I was in the last game!"

Shepard squinted in recognition. "Wait, aren't you that girl from Saren's base? What happened? I set off a nuke the size of Glenn Beck's ego there."

"I got a scholarship for track and field. But that's not important. What is important is that you know that what Okeer is doing is good work. He's not trying to cure the genophage but create something much better. Even if his methods are a little extreme."

"What, do you just go to an agency that hires out its employees to super villains?" Shepard asked.

"I needed the residency hours, _alright_! Anyway, I'm getting out of here. Good luck with whatever!"

Shepard smiled. "Well, that was a nice change of pace. Do you think we'll see more, albeit pointless, cameos in the future?"

Garrus shrugged. "I think that's a definite yes."

The company finally made inside, to find Okeer, obsessing over a lone tank, holding a Krogan.

"It's about time you got here! These mercs will not wait for you."

"Ah! The Krogan scientist: brilliant as a high school science teacher, rude as the high school bully. Dr. Okeer, I presume?"

"Yes. And every Krogan should know of the deceased Shepard, infamous for destroying the genophage cure."

"Look, pal. I'm sorry I ruined your chances at a hot date. But Saren would've manipulated those Krogan for galactic dominance."

Okeer smiled. "But I approve. Victory will not come in numbers, but rather perfection! I was sent here to create an army, when what I truly desired was… superiority over the horde. I want to make them strong, but they always turn out wrong. That one, too fat. This one, too tall. And this one! Too symmetrical!"

"Okay, enough of the obscure references. Will you join my team or not?"

"Hmm… Perhaps we can strike a deal. I'm willing to bargain for safe passage, but under one condition. This perfected Krogan will not be released."

"_Enough. I've found the source of the corruption. Okeer, naturally. We shall flush the tanks and create a new army!"_

All of a sudden, the tanks began to blow out steam and Krogan were flooding the factory. Shepard sighed, and shook his head.

"I need to get paid more for this job…"

"No! If she does this thing, my perfected Krogan will be lost. Shepard! If you want my help, stop her madness!"

Shepard shrugged. "I couldn't stop it if I wanted to. I can kill her, if that's what you want."

"Spoken like a true Krogan."

Shepard and company continued downstairs to where they faced the door separating them and the mass of armies facing them.

"You think we oughta… talk out our problems first?"

Garrus shook his head. "Did I mention there was a large bounty on me that's still in effect, in case anyone recognizes me?"

"And the fact that the Blue Suns held me in a fucking prison for several years?" Jack added.

"Good point. Let's go."

Shepard opened the doors, and entered. There, with a headset still attached to her, was Jedore. At first, Shepard was pleased to find her alone, albeit equipped with rocket launcher. And then, he saw the YUMY mech to the side. Then he saw the Krogan being 'birthed' from the tanks. And suddenly, that pleased feeling had left him for the all too familiar feeling of pessism.

"Take cover!" Shepard cried. He huddled his group together for an attack plan.

"Okay, Garrus. Switch to the automatic rifle. Concentrate on that mech. Jack, you-"

Shepard looked dismayed to find Jack on the floor. He looked even more dismayed when he looked up to find a Krogan shotgun staring at him.

**Critical Mission Failure**

Shepard and company respawned and looked at each other.

"Okay, more shooting, less dying. Let's concentrate on those Krogan first, then the Mech, then Jedore.

Shepard opened the door. The plan went well as usual. Unfortunately, being a vigilante and a convict apparently meant you couldn't take sufficient cover from a chain gun. Thus, Shepard kept using his medi-gel to revive his squadmates ensuring he couldn't use his powers until they were all practically dead anyway.

**Critical Mission Failure**

"Okay, that does it!" Shepard said, activating his Omni-tool. After what was a rather quick glance on the extranet, he had a plan.

"Alright… Jack, Garrus, you stand at the top of those stairs and don't move. Ready? And…"

Shepard opened the door and made 2 steps. The Krogan noticed him and moved, while Shepard closed the door. After a brief moment of waiting, he opened the door while he and his squadmates killed the incoming Krogan. They repeated this process until the Krogan were all killed.

"You're shitting me, right?" Jack said. "We're not pussying out on this boss fight by exploiting a glitch in the game design, are we?"

"Yes, ma'am, we are!" Shepard said, charging out, killing the YUMY mech and finally shooting Jedore. The success was short-lived as they soon discovered that contaminents were flooding the chamber.

"_Shepard, I am analyzing the room Okeer is in._" EDI said in his head mic. "_Vital signs are failing_."

"Quickly!" Shepard screamed as they ran up the stairs. However, they were shocked to find Okeer's corpse leaving only a message.

"_Shepard… if I knew anything about the Collectors, I would've probably cut a deal with them. But, everything I own, everything you need is in my prototype. Keep this one, soldier, my legacy this… Uggh (Grunting sound)_"

Shepard and co. looked at each other and then at the Krogan. Suddenly, they were left in a very awkward position.

"He saved this one test tube baby? Why?" Jack said.

"Plot, I assume." Shepard said.

"Shepard, speaking as a professional sniper, I can tell you if this guy goes rogue a headshot will not save you." Garrus said.

"Duly noted. Normandy, Okeer's a no go. But, we're brining a package on board. And he's a big one…"

* * *

_The Debriefing Room…_

"Bringing the package along was necessary," Miranda said. "But I have concerns about waking it."

"Yeah," Jacob nodded. "You said that a couple of times, already."

"Who said that? Nevermind, what I'm saying is that it's potentially dangerous."

Shepard shrugged. "It's a Krogan. Out of the millions of Krogan in the galaxy who want to shoot us, you want to leave the one who might be useful in his tank? Besides, you know how Krogan are: vicious warriors and predators on the outside, but soft and cuddly on the inside."

Jacob shook his head. "Commander, those are Wookiees. If anything, Krogan are more vicious on the inside."

Miranda sighed, "It's your choice, Commander. But, as I see it, bring a gun. A big one."

As Miranda and Jacob left for their respective NPC positions, Shepard went down and hoped for the best.

He finally made to the Cargo Hold. Icy and with limited vision, he stared at the tank and breathed a deep sigh.

"EDI, open the tank."

"_Cerberus Protocols advise against that, Commander._" EDI warned.

"Look, let's just get this over with before I soil myself. Open it."

"_Don't say we didn't warn you…_"

The Tank opened, flooding whatever liquid was inside. The Krogan emerged, spitting out whatever water it had inhaled. There, he stood up, revealing his superior height and stature. Shepard glared at him for the longest time before speaking.

"Good Krogan, nice Krogan. No, don't charge! Bad Krogan, Bad!"

However, the beast had gotten the upper hand and pinned Shepard down by the nearby glass. The Commander choked a while before gasping for air.

"Human. Male. Before you die, I need a name…"

Shepard choked. "Another voice by Stephen Jay Blum? Are you _kidding_ me?"

"Not yours, mine. I'm trained, I know things, but the tank. Okeer couldn't implant the connection. His words are hollow. Warlord. Legacy. Grunting noise. Grunt. I like the sound of it. It'll have to do."

"I am Grunt. If you are worthy of your command, prove your strength and try to destroy me."

Shepard panted. "C'mon, pal. Why do want to destroy each other? Can't we all just get along? Or at the very least, destroy someone else?"

"Want? I do what I'm meant to. Fight and reveal the most important. Nothing in the tank asked what _I_ wanted. Maybe some ice cream, a story? No! I feel nothing for Okeer's clan or his symmetry. That implant failed. He has failed. Without a reason that is my own, one fight is as good as any other. Might as well start with you."

Shepard quickly tried to use his CHARM powers, only to realize it was grayed out. Apparently, being a saint throughout the game didn't pay off at certain moments. Thus, he used a last resort.

He tried to persuade using normal conversation options.

"C'mon, buddy! You don't want to kill me. I'm… just… human, and humans are squishy and why can't we all just get along and all that good jazz?"

"Insufficient answer! Now you die!"

Shepard rolled his eyes. "Okay, Plan B!" The Commander was wise enough to hide a gun and shoot the Krogan in the stomach. Unfortunately, this was rather null and void since the Krogan had the benefit of armor skin. Thus, all that resulted was a bleeding mouth and a bewildered alien.

"Oh… poop."

"Wise, Steven Jay Blum. You offer one hand and arm another. If I find a clan, if I find, what I am, I will seek it out. Until then, I will follow you."

"Oh, thank God!" Shepard said. "Wait… my name's not Steven Jay Blum."

"Are you correcting me?" Grunt said, standing over Shepard.

"No, sir, Mr. Grunt sir! Is there anything else I can get for you?"

"Hmm… nothing for now. Just, find me something to kill."

"Yes, sir!" Shepard said, grateful he escaped with his life and most of his bones intact.

"Hmm… Jacob's being obscure, Mordin's working on the countermeasure for the seeker swarms, Garrus is calibrating the guns for the 50th time. Let's go see what Jack's doing…"

Shepard traveled downstairs to find Jack, sitting in her corner.

"Hey," The shaven haired girl said.

"Tell me something I don't know." Shepard said.

"Frogs can piss standing on their legs."

"I meant about you."

"Me, huh?" The girl said, leaning back on her pillar. "Whatever. Boss man's trying to get into my head. Typical bullshit. Let's see… One time I not only took over an army ship, but crash landed it on a moon, and got known as a vandal."

"Wow." Shepard said. "That's pretty hardcore."

"Hardcore?" Jack snorted. "Bullshit. Let me tell you about hardcore…"

And so, the Convict went into great detail of her various criminal activities, including but not limited to: larceny, theft, arson, murder, kidnapping, hostage situations, gang related activities, stealing candy from babies, stealing from little old grannies and, of course, littering.

"…so to wrap it all up, orgies are fun the first 10 times, but they lack that personal touch you get from threesomes."

Shepard stood agasp, unable to shut his mouth.

"Now, I can't look at carrots the same way, ever again. Well, we'll talk again, when I work up my stomach."

"Hold on!" She said. "What's this all about? Is this about sex? Because if it is, don't dick around."

Shepard paused for a moment. He, then, pulled out his locket he made out of macaroni noodles, and grasped it. It had a picture of Ashley Williams in it.

"_I must stay loyal to my waifu. I must stay loyal to my waifu. I must stay loyal._"

"Well, aside from the fact that you just told me stories swearing off sex for a long, long while… I wasn't looking for it. I was just looking for an open conversation tree."

"Whatever…" Jack said. "Every guy just wants a fucking. Get out of here."

"Getting out!" Shepard exclaimed.

(**A/N: **Will Shepard be able to get through to Jack? Will Shepard be able to converse with Grunt without losing any fingers? Will he finally get to a plot point that involves the Collectors? Remember? When we mentioned those? Find out next time in the exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied"!)


	7. Chapter 7

(**A/N:** The following film preview has been rated PG-13 for explosions, styilized violence and total brain-dead appeal. Viewer discretion is advised.)

He Promised to give it up...

"You're out of control, Garrus! More so than Usual!"

He swore he'd never turn rogue again...

"Garrus! I, Commander Shepard, have persuaded you to give up the vigilante lifestyle and make sure you don't go rouge again!"

"Awesome! As long as my moral compass is here, there's little to no chance that I will go rogue again!"

But this Summer, witness the tragedy...

"Shepard! There's no way you can save all those orphaned puppies the Normandy decided to take!"

"I have to try! It's the right thing to do!"

The defiance...

"I don't care if you are some hotshot hero! You follow rules and regulations like everyone else!"

The return...

"All my friends are dead upon returning to my hideout! Noooooooooooooo!"

Of the Loose Cannon Cop who doesn't play by the Rules!

**This Summer...**

"Screw the rules! I have fangirls!"

**See for yourself, Garrus Vakarian's powerful return...**

"Call me... Archangel..."

**In a movie based on True Events...**

"Shepard! I can't believe wild cultists revived you from the dead!"

"I know! Creepy, ain't it?

**On a movie so big, Movie Theatres couldn't handle it!**

**"**Did someone say... 'headshot'?"

**Loose Cannon Cop who doesn't Play by the Rules 2:**

**There are no Rules!**

**Now available on Nu-ray and streaming on demand on all Omni-tools!

* * *

  
**

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 7**

_The CIC of the Normandy…_

"Ms. Chambers," Miranda said, greeting her comrade.

"What can I do for you, Ms. Lawson?"

"Have you noticed our Commander is rather… unorthodox?"

The redhead smiled. "Why, some of the most unorthadox things are amazing. Like the Armadillo!"

Miranda sighed. "No, that's not what I meant. I mean, don't you find some of his methods… strange?"

Kelly shrugged. "You mean him 'not shooting everything he approaches' method or the 'random pop culture burst' method?"

Suddenly, the PA system burst with Shepard's voice singing a rather familiar tune.

"_Oh, Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, _

_A tale of a fateful trip _

_That started from a motley crew _

_Aboard this Alliance Ship. _

_The pilot was a brittle bone mate, _

_The Commander handsome and the character main. _

_Six soldiers set sail that day _

_For a 30 hour game, a 30 hour game."_

The Cerberus second-in-command shook her head.

"The latter. Definitely, the latter."

"_The Collectors started getting tough, _

_The tiny ship was tossed, _

_Because of the stubbornness of one Seth Green _

_The Normandy was lost, the Normandy was lost. _

_The ship was rebuilt by Cerberus, manned with a new crew _

_With Shepard_

_Joker too, _

_Garrus, and then there's Jack, _

_The new Krogan_

_The professor and Miranda, _

_Here on Mass Effect 2._"

The Cerberus crew, those that cared anyway, gave a barely audible clap while Shepard went back to the mapping chart. However, he was stopped by a Yeoman, who looked determined to keep him from accessing the map.

"Commander, the Illusive Man would like to see you."

"That's nice. Tell him to wait while I do some sidequests."

Kelly continued to block him. "You don't understand. _You must go see the Illusive Man_."

"Heh heh. Very funny, Chambers. Now let me pass."

Suddenly, Kelly's eyes rolled to the back of her head as she began to speak in a synthesized voice. "_**You will go now before I devour your flesh and blood until there is nothing left!**_"

"Okay, okay!" He said, wiping his forehead. He went into the debriefing room, where the table sank into the floor. Shepard stepped into the middle, where he saw the Illusive Man, standing and observing a world from afar.

"Shepard, we've received a distress call." He said, smoking a cigarette. "One of our colonies, Horizon, just went out of contact. If they aren't being attacked, they soon will be. Has Mordin prepared the counter-measure to the Seeker swarm yet?"

"Man, these guys have got to start naming their colonies better." Shepard shook his head.

"What was that?"

"I mean, not yet." Shepard said.

"I hope he works well under pressure, because you're heading there right now."

"We need time to prepare." The commander said.

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do." He sighed. "You don't get it, do you? I'm the main character. The Plot doesn't activate until I get there. And before I get there, I need to research upgrades so my playing experience will be easier-"

"Did I forget to mention that your current love interest, Ashley Williams, is stationed there?"

Shepard stood silent at this news. Looking at the macaroni necklace with her picture on it, he had made up his mind.

"Joker! Set a course for Horizon! And tell Mordin to work on the countermeasure, on the double!"

As the transmission cut, the Illusive Man smiled. "Works every time."

* * *

_The Colony of Horizon…_

A group of settlers go about their business. However, one figure in particular, Ashley Williams, is caught running through the crowd in a hurry.

"Lillith! We've got problems."

"Can't still get those AA towers to work?" the colonist leader spoke.

"I tried to play the matching mini-game, but it's too hard! We need some sort of… player character to reset the guns."

"Sorry, Ash. But getting communications back on-line is top priority."

"Yeah?" The Alliance solider said. "Can't believe no one tried to blame that on me, too."

"People out here aren't fond of… you and Shepard's relationship."

"Boo!" One of the random colonists said. "I'm a Team Liara fan, you jerk!"

"Great…" Ash sighed. However, fanboys of the opposite shippers were the least of her problems. Soon, a ship carrying with it a thunderstorm and a swarm of bugs soon came. As if it were a feasible counterattack, Ashley pulled out her machine gun and turned to Lillith.

"Quick! Get everyone to the shelters!" However, just as Ashley had said her line, one of the Seeker swarms had stung her and paralyzed her. The rest of the pathetic little NPC's fled for their lives, but were no match against the seeker swarms.

Soon after, the Collectors went and examined each of the humans, frozen in their place. However, one Collector from the Collector homeworld looked upon a Reaper.

"_Assuming Direct Control of this lifeform._" Soon, one of the Collectors began to glow violently, float in mid-air and become merged with Harbinger.

"_Soon, the galaxy will be ours and everyone shall repeat the words, 'assuming direct control'_ _And when that happens, we would've already won._"

* * *

_Much, much later…_

The shuttle touched down. Soon, Shepard, Miranda and Mordin entered the battlefield equipped with their guns and Mordin's countermeasure.

"Mordin," Shepard said. "Are you sure this plot armor's gonna protect us?"

"Impossible to be sure. Should work, in theory."

"Oh, good." Miranda sighed. "So if one of us gets abducted, then it'll be just a failed scenario?"

"Correct. Still, couldn't wait to see results. Insisted on coming!"

"_Commander, I'm getting… can't hear you… breaking up on-(Click)… the number you have dialed is invalid, please try again or wait for better reception._"

"Oh, man. I knew I should've switched my wireless company." Shepard sighed. "We're going in deaf and blind. Let's move!"

Shepard sighed and moved out. However, not several steps forward did and the Collectors came buzzing down firing weapons at them. Luckily, Miranda was equipped with the ever useful Warp and Mordin had Incinerate. Unfortunately, both of them were very fragile and died within seconds of the Collectors. And so, Shepard wasted precious medi-gel, reviving his squadmates while taking care of the humanoid bugs. Fortunately, the fighting died out, and Shepard and company moved out.

"What the-?" Shepard said, looking at familiar zombie charging him. He quickly shot it, only to have several of its counterparts… flail their arms wildly, attacking him.

"Hey, stop! Quit it!" Shepard said, putting them down. "Sheesh… And I thought these things were annoying when they had static fields."

When the current situation was clear and enemy-free, the crew came upon a lone Husk, oberserving it.

"Huh, these things were there when I was on Eden Prime." Shepard said, looking down on it. "Only thing is, they look kinda different when I last saw them."

"Looks like they got upgraded to next-gen graphics," Miranda stated. "Good thing they still die when you shoot them."

"We have to hurry! This colony's under attack, and we're not letting them get away with this!" Shepard said. He and his company followed him, to an open passage field. They quickly, or rather Shepard quickly, killed whatever Collectors patrolling the area. They continued to engage the enemy until they were all disposed of. There, they came across many colonists, frozen in place.

"Interesting." Mordin said. "Cognitive abilities stable. Appears that victims are fully aware of surroundings, but unable to do anything about it."

Shepard squealed, "Ooh! It's just like those guys with the fuzzy hats in England! Except, they really can't do anything! Mordin, quick! Take a picture while I pose!"

"Commander!" The brunette scolded.

"Oh, alright… if you want your picture that badly, jump it."

Miranda rubbed her temples in frustration. "I think we should concentrate on rescuing the colony, first!"

Shepard sighed and followed (or rather was dragged by the ear), the next area. Luckily, our attention deficit main character found a nearby gun and picked it up.

"Hey, a laser!" Shepard said. However, little more than two steps forward, he heard and ominous noise.

"_Assuming Direct Control. Capture Shepard. Preserve his body, if possible."_

"Oh, boy!" Shepard said. He quickly hid behind one of the chest high Collector containers and took his sweet time.

"Okay, I'll just hide from cover here and… whoa!" Shepard said, suddenly finding himself out of cover by some sort of missile attack.

"_Foolish Shepard. Your cover-based system will not save you this time! My special attack will force you out of cover, unless you constantly move back and forth!_"

"You bastard!" The Commander screamed while returning fire. However, since Harbinger had no health and only Barrier and Armor, the Reaper was free to take possession of any body he desired.

"Stand still, you annoying mini-boss!" Shepard screamed while missing with his new Collector laser. Fortunately, the rest of his squad managed to kill everything else, leaving Shepard with Harbinger. When all was said and done, the Commander entered the lone room. He quickly entered to the dark room, hearing a clattering of items.

"Come on out! You're safe!... Safer!"

Suddenly, a lone mechanic popped out from behind and shook his head.

"Who the hells are youse guys?" The mechanic said, deep in his accent.

Shepard turned to the camera. "Really, Bioware? Really?"

After giving a quick sigh, he turned to the accented NPC. "Hi, I'm Commander Shepard. You're lucky you hid here while the Collectors attacked."

"Those things are Collectors? New Jersey Turnpike, I thought those were, whatchamacallit, a rumor! No! They got Lillith, and a bunch of the colony! It's the Alliance's fault! Dem and that Chief Williams, too! They build that cockamamey AA tower that don't work."

"Hey! Watch your accented tongue!" Shepard said. "What was it you said about that AA tower?"

"That ting? It's got some firepowah, sure, but it don't work. None of the colonist can get past that mini-game! It's too small for our standard definition TV's!"

"A mini-game?" Miranda stated. "Sounds like a job for the Commander here."

"Be calm, unnamed civilian!" Shepard said.

"My name's Dela-"

"Join us, and we will push back the Collectors!"

"Hells naw! I'm just an NPC with a lovable accent. There's no ways youse gonna make me go out theres!"

"Fine, then!" Shepard cried out. "Cower in here like a baby! We're do everything ourselves, as per usual! Miranda, open the door…"

The crew entered the field, noticing the quiet serenity of the scene.

"I don't know what that NPC's problem was. I mean, what could be so scary that would make a grown man hide in a bunker?"

"Shepard!" Miranda cried. "Look out!"

The brunette pointed to a hideous figure, as if a group of Husks came out as Siamese octuplets and formed an evil creature. It looked montsterous, hideous and just down right ugly. Shepard scoffed.

"Oh, alright. I admit that thing looks a bit scary. But C'mon. That thing's so slow. What it possibly going to do to hit us _all the way over here_?"

The Commander was quickly silenced as the Scion made a biotic shockwave that covered Shepard in blue goo.

"Umm… Commander?"

"Not a word, you." Shepard said, ignoring every nerve of his being to scream out like a woman. The company took cover, shielding themselves from the blue goo, while trying to fight off whatever Collectors were in their way.

"Okay, Miranda you-" However, Shepard could see the brunette was already passed out, covered in blue goop.

"Mordin! Miranda's down! You need to-" However, Shepard could see the Salarian doctor already face down on the floor.

"Dammit! Can't we have one playthrough where I'm not the only one surviving?" Then all of a sudden, Shepard popped out of cover at the wrong moment and was instantly killed by the blue shockwave.

**Critical Mission Failure**

"That's not what I meant! Okay, we're going to take this calmly and slowly. I'm gonna open this door, and we're going to-"

**Critical Mission Failure**

"Okay, desperate times call for desperate measures." Shepard said, opening the main menu. He then selected Options and tweaked the gameplay options.

"Shepard," Miranda asked. "You're not changing the difficulty to casual, are-"

"Shut up, I want to get through this game."

The Operative opened up a hidden recorder. "Note to self: Subject is easily annoyed at difficult situations and, thus, cheats."

"What was that?" The Commander asked.

"Oh, nothing!"

Shepard and company went back to the field. This time, however, the enemy AI was significantly toned down to the point where the Collectors refused to take cover, the Husks were less effective and the Scions were easily taken down with pistols. In other words, it was so simple a child could do it.

"Shepard," Miranda asked. "We just tore through the enemy at the cost of true gameplay and challenge. Are you satisfied, now?"

"Yes. Yes, I am."

The crew continued further to a final door, waiting only a matching mini-game to unlock.

"I'm surprised we haven't come across more colonists here." Miranda stated.

"Collectors nearly finished. Have to hurry. Not much time left."

Shepard unlocked the final passage, and went through an open area with lots of crates and chest-high boxes. He gazed around and stepped forward only to see a Scion lurking in the shadows.

"Well, that's not so bad."

Then he saw the second one.

"Oh… poop. Everyone, take evasive maneuvers!" The company took their maneuvers, but it fared little better against 2 Scions and a dozen or so Husks. Luckily, Shepard was a big pussy, Err- I mean, brilliant tactician and thus, playing on Casual, he managed to defeat all the enemies on screen.

"Yeah! How do you like hot Collector laser, you jerks!"

"Shepard!" Miranda said, pointing to the center. "There's the mini-game based AA tower. Only, it's too complicated for me to figure out and it's too small to read."

Shepard went down and fixed the tower within a matter of 30 seconds.

"An entire colony couldn't fix this?" Shepard asked. "Boy, do we have more problems than Collectors. Joker, do you read?"

"_Depends on the script. Nah, I can hear you, Commander. But you've got problems."_

EDI spoke up. "_We are counting multiple hostiles going to your position._ _We suggest taking a defensive posture._"

Shepard turned to his crew. "You heard the synthesized celebrity voice; move it or lose it!" He and the company quickly took cover by a passage and shot at whatever Collectors approached them. However, a combination of multiple troops, advanced weaponry and thick barriers made them formidable opponents.

The Commander barked orders. "Keep them back, just as long as we don't hear-"

"_Assuming Direct Control…_"

"Goddamit!" He said, firing whatever rounds he had left into Harbinger. Fortunately, the wave stopped as Shepard breathed a heavy sigh and went to pick up ammo.

"Doubtful that was the last of them." Miranda said.

"Highly unlikely," Mordin added.

"If you guys think there's another wave coming, why aren't you still in cover?"

The Cerberus Operative scoffed. "Why aren't you in cover?"

"Because I need to reload with these thermal clips that are somehow compatible with every weapon in my arsenal. You, on the other hand, have weapons with unlimited ammo that don't overload. So, there's no good reason for you to be joining me."

Miranda took a step back. "Uh, er, umm… oh, look! More hostiles!"

Shepard sighed as he and the rest of his squad took care of whatever Collectors came their way. Fortunately, EDI was able to get the AA guns running again, giving the Collector ship a few decent hits. When all was said and done, Shepard looked around, only to see a flying beetle land in their position, fully equipped with force field.

"Oh, you wanna play, bug? Well, eat laser!" He cried, aiming that that thing. Sadly, Shepard looked to his dismay to find a rather ominous message.

"**No Heavy Ammo left.**"

"Uh oh. Umm… does anyone have any AA's? Maybe about 36?" Shepard squealed as the Beetle's laser aimed straight at him and tore apart his shields. He quickly took cover as he fired his regular ammunition at the Boss.

"Its shields are down and its armor is a quarter depleted. We just might-"

The Beetle stopped Miranda mid-sentence by crashing to the ground, erecting another forcefield powerful enough to kill both squadmates and getting back, full barrier.

"I really don't get paid enough for this crap!" Shepard whined, as he ran for more Heavy ammo. Fortunately, he loaded it up and fired its laser. Unfortunately, he had ran out of Medi-gel and thus had tediously, slowly and mind-numbingly kill the boss by himself. Finally, finally, he defeated the giant beetle as the AA gun scared off the Collector ship.

"Hey, youse wise guys!" the mechanic cried. "Come back! Naw way, youse gotta get them! They gots Lillith and half of the colony"

Shepard sighed. "Look, my verbally challenged friend. I wish I could go get them, but they're halfway back to the Omega 4 relay."

"Don't blame yourself, Shepard." Miranda said.

"I'm not, I'm blaming him."

"What a cocky pickin' minute. Shepard? Yeah, I heards that name somewhere. Some big… hero that saved the day or what nots."

Suddenly, a familiar figure came out of the shadows. The Commander lost his breath at the sight of her midnight hair, wrapped in a bun, her strong, muscular shoulders and the fact that she did not get a graphics upgrade.

"Commander Shepard, savior of the Citadel, main character, and the first Human to be made Spectre."

"Ash, my Boo!" The Commander cried out in happiness.

"You're in the prescence of a God, Delan."

"Figures," The Mechanic said. "Everyone else gets taken except youse. Screw this, I'm going back go Jersee."

Shepard beamed with glee as he hugged his love interest and smiled. "Oh, I've missed you so much, boo. Quick! The bunker's empty and half the colonists are frozen! Let's make love before I have to leave!"

"Like hell!" The Alliance soldier said.

"Ash? What's wrong?"

"You expect make-up sex when you don't even give me a phone call, a tweet, an e-mail, not even an IM? I thought- I thought you were dead. You were gone for 2 years and you didn't even try to contact me?"

"Ash, you don't understand! Cerberus changed all my e-mail accounts when I was brought back to life!"

"Cerberus?" Ashley said in shock. "So intelligence was true… you have turned traitor! They really are behind this!"

"Intelligence?" Miranda said.

"We've received reports that Shepard, our Shepard, might be working with Cerberus. There are also… rumors that Cerberus is behind the missing colonists. I tried to talk to Keith David, but he stonewalled me. I came here, myself."

"So much for being a top-secret organization…" Miranda scoffed.

"You turned your back on us! We had pre-final mission sex, and you turned your back on me!"

"Ash, listen!" Shepard said. "I only joined Cerberus because the Reapers were abducting the Colonists. Remember? The _Reapers…_Not Cerberus!"

"What if it's a trick?" She protested. "What if it's all some sort of… conspiracy to mislead us?"

"Ash, listen to me! You're beginning to sound like the Council. I didn't turn my back on the Alliance. But, I need to be part of the action, otherwise this will just turn into another boring political thriller!"

"I want to believe you, but I don't trust Cerberus! I'm leaving now, and Keith David better have some answers…"

Shepard twittled his fingers. "Not even a goodbye kiss?"

"Please. Just… be careful out there."

As Williams left, Shepard merely contacted the shuttle. "Joker, beam us out of here. I've had enough of this level…"

Miranda scoffed. "That went rather well, don't you think?"

"No." Shepard began, tears forming in his eyes. "I feel like I need to write in my journal… and watch a dying kid film… and listen to some Linkin Park!"

(**A/N: **Commander Shepard, hero of the Citadel, reduced to a blubbering mass. Will he survive this break-up? Can the universe wait for him? Does anyone know of a good break-up song? Find out next time in the next exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied"!)

**We'll be taking a short break next week to find more lulz. The fanfiction will resume 2 weeks from today. Thank you for your patience.**


	8. Chapter 8

(**A/N:** The Following is a non-profit fanbased Parody. Mass Effect and all of its respective properties are copyright of Bioware, EA games and where credit is due. Please support the Offical release.)

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 8**

Commander Shepard sat there on his bed, staring at his macaroni picture of Ashley Williams. Keep in mind this was already a week he had been doing this, as well as eating unhealthy amounts of ice cream, watching several movies (mainly Nicholas Sparks adaptations), and played the only song appropriate to the situation.

"_I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark,_

_When he made Pearl Harbor._

_I miss you more than that movie missed the point,_

_And that__'__s an awful lot._

_And now, now you've gone away,_

_And all I'm trying to say,_

_Is Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you"_

Suddenly, his door popped open to reveal Miranda Lawson, livid from the recent amount of inactivity.

"Shepard! What are you doing?"

"Go away! Leave me alone to my depression!" He said, covering a blanket over himself.

"Commander, this is highly unprofessional! The Collectors aren't simply going to sit around while you mope! The galaxy is in danger!" She cried out.

"No, it's not! I'm the main character, and story won't move without me!"

Miranda sighed and whispered to herself. "Not unless we release that clone of yours and kill you…"

"Say what, now?"

"Umm… I mean, the Illusive Man wants to speak with you!"

Shepard sighed and begrudgingly went along to the Debreifing room. There, in his bathroom robe and his bunny slippers he was met once again with the Illusive Man. Apparently, the boss was not pleased, not one bit in the slightest.

"Shepard! What are you doing?"

The Commander sighed and whispered. "_I'm surrounded by darkness, my heart ripped from its natural habitat. Wherever I go, wherever I look, there's a forest of decrepit tress, its roots blocking the way. Oh, how long before death, sweet beautiful death, embraces me, consumes me, rapes me until I am-"_

"Shepard, knock it off! This is a humor/parody fic, not an Angst one! Besides, our trap for the Collectors worked perfectly."

The Commander suddenly was stripped from his depression right back to anger.

"So it was you! You used Horizon as bait?"

"It was necessary. I let out a few… rumors that you were still alive. We needed to test if the Collectors were abducting colonists, and we were right. However, it only makes things worse: if the Collectors are this effective, we need to move quickly."

Shepard sighed. "Well, thanks a lot! You not only put a human colony at risk, but you also cost me my love interest. What else have you got for me, Santa?"

The Illusive Man took a long drag. "Shepard, you and your team's resolve will have to be in top shape for the mission. Once you go in, there's almost no guarantee you're making it back. I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but here it goes: **Nobody likes Ashley Williams."**

"What?" Shepard screamed. "N-no! That's not right! She has to have a fanbase; she has to!"

"Face it, Shepard. Your ex-girlfriend is an ugly,"

"Stop!" He said, covering his ears.

"Racist,"

"She's only like that because of her troubled family history,"

"Bible-thumping,"

"There's nothing wrong with being a little faithful,"

"Last generation rendered girl that no one likes!"

Shepard sighed, and breathed deeply. "But _I_ liked her. How am I going to move on without her?"

"Shepard, need I remind you that among your crew are a woman who offers sex casually and a woman whose buttocks have become their own meme?"

"I thought it was pronounced "Meh Meh"."

"It is not. Now, I have 3 more dossiers for you. One of them is a romantic interest and the others are not. I trust you have enough common sense to decide which is which. Now, get going. The Galaxy needs us."

Shepard took a deep breath and beat his chest. "He's right. Time to save the world and bang hot chicks along the way!"

However, as he was about to leave, he noticed Jacob, uncloaked and fully visible.

"Jacob? Why aren't you blending into the background as usual?"

"I dunno, Commander. That stuff on Horizon got me thinking… this might really be it. And, well… part of me wants to take care of family business before we leave."

Shepard nodded and went to see Kelly, who had some surprising news for him.

"Commander, did you know we had a Black officer on deck?" She said, concerned.

"Jacob? He's always been there. Wait, you noticed Jacob?"

"Yeah!"

"Wow," Shepard said. "He must have some baggage if he's noticed by you."

"By the way," Kelly said. "Miranda would also like to speak to you about personal matters as well."

Shepard nodded as he went to the Armory to see Jacob.

"Commander…" He started, almost frustrated to get any words out. "I'm sorry. I'm just a bit… distracted. Can't really focus, but it won't affect gameplay, I promise."

"I'll say. Your obscurity powers have no effect here. You're fully noticeable." He said.

"Hi, Jacob!" A crew officer said, passing by.

"What's wrong?" Shepard asked.

"Well… it's just that… my father was a Lieutenant on the Gurnsback. It was a resort cruise for singles but it went out of orbit. Now, I just received a distress signal. Commander, that ship went missing for 10 years and I had not spoken to my father 3 years prior. It should also be noted that this isn't standard protocol to receive this news. I received it through Cerberus channels. Someone must be messing with me…"

Shepard nodded. "Umm… Jacob. Before we go, did you… say… have any outstanding problems with your father? Like, he was a prick to you and your mom?"

"Nah, he raised me okay. But when he left, I was sort of blasé about it all. I'm just really curious, that's all."

"Okay, it might take a while, but we'll find that resort cruise."

"Thanks, Commander." Jacob said. "It's a little weird getting all this attention all of a sudden."

"Jacob," Another random NPC asked. "Do you want decaf or regular coffee?"

"See?"

Shepard took a mental note of that, while he took the elevator down to meet with Miranda, looking rather distressed.

"Commander, I find myself in the unpleasant position of asking for your help."

Shepard shrugged. "Why? The fact you're asking for help or the fact it's me you're asking for help."

"I didn't mean to offend you." Miranda said. "It's just that I'm not used to talking about personal issues with others. Which I why I made something to make me feel a little more comfortable."

"Wait…" Shepard said, seeing Miranda prepare the projector.

"You made a powerpoint presentation of your personal quest?"

"Yes. You see, my father, a rich and powerful business man, has somehow tracked my twin sister. I took my sister with me when I ran away. However, it seems that he's somehow found her and sent his mercenaries, mostly Eclipse mercs, to capture her. Cerberus has already arranged for a transport, but I need your help."

"Great, more daddy issues…" Shepard murmured to himself. "Wait, Miranda you said this was your _twin sister_?"

"Yes. Commander, if you help me here, I would be eternally grateful." The Cerberus Operative leaned over and smiled.

"Miranda!" The Cameraman said. "Would you mind moving just a bit to the right?"

"Oh, sorry!" She said. "Am I blocking the shot?"

"…Yes."

"Alright. Send the coordinates to Joker and we'll head straight there."

As Shepard stepped out of Miranda's office, he took a small note pad and scribbled a small memo.

"_Twincest with Miranda_. _Possible threeway_"

(**A/N: **In order to clarify Bioware's lack of skill in face modeling, Miranda, in this context, is noted to be 'attractive'.)

"Joker! Set course! We're going to Illium!"

* * *

_Illium…_

"**Illium is the homeworld of the Asari. As such, it contains vast amounts of wealth, power and beauty. However, being on the edge on the Terminus, the homeworld is riffled with a dark underbelly. With contracts into slavery, thievery and smuggling, almost anything outside of murder is legal in Illium. One should take precaution in what one signs on the homeworld as well as their fabulous top 10 lists, including, "Most Wealthiest" and "Most Garish teeth decoration." **

"Hmm… sounds grim." Shepard said, on the Docking bay. Going with Miranda and Jacob, the Commander was taken back when he saw an Asari, fully armed approach the group.

"Commander Shepard?" The Asari said.

"Umm… me? No. You must mean my friend, over here in the Cerberus get up." He said pointing to Jacob. Needless to say, Mr. Taylor was not pleased at this.

"No, I don't think so. Ms. T'soni's description of you was very vivid."

"Oh! Thank goodness!" Shpeard said. "Liara sent you. I was worried with the armed escort."

"It pays to be cautious. Your docking fee has been paid. Please see Dr. T'soni up the stairs after 2 rights. Have a pleasant day!"

Shepard and company exchanged a quick nod before heading into Illium, surrounded by massive skyscrapers and a permenant Sunset.

"_Now available to stream on Omni-tools, Blasto, the First Hanar spectre._"

"_Career opportunities await you at the Blue Suns. Join today and recommend a friend, too!"_

"_Get your fresh Varren steaks at the Fish Dog Food Factory! Now, buy 3 and get the 4__th__ free!_"

"Wow," Shepard said. "This place makes Noveria look subtle."

"Excuse me," a rather haggard, yet free spirited Asari said. "I heard you mention something about Noveria?"

"Umm… sorry, I don't have any spare change." Shepard said, taking a few steps back.

"Do not be alarmed. I am simply a messenger. Listen…

_Shepard. We sing your praises each day and are rebuilding in secret. We will join you to fight those who corrupted us._"

"The Rachni!" Shepard shouted. "But, I thought you only took over dead victims."

"Sorry," The Asari said, her eyes turning back to normal. "I am simply a messenger to those far greater than I. I had met contact with them when my ship crashed. However, once I saw their glory, I instantly changed my lifestyle. I used to be the CEO of a giant corporation, but now… I'm enjoying life and nature surrounding it."

"Another good action by the Rachni…" Shepard said. "Tell her to be good, and not eat people."

"Of course! Peace forever, man!"

Shepard turned to his companions. "That was curious. I wonder if there's anyone else I met along my travels here?"

"Shepard?" A faux kind voice said. "Holy crap, I thought you were dead."

The Commander turned around only to see Gianni Parasini taking a drink.

"Hey, it's that big fraudy fake on Noveria, Gianni Parasini. How are ya, you big fake?"

"Still not over my deceiving you on Noveria, huh?" The corporate spy said, taking a swig.

"I tend to hold grudges. How've you been?"

"Good. Been around, serving court orders, spying on competitors, the usual. You?"

Shepard shrugged. "Pretty much the same: trying to fend of political pull back, ranting about the Reapers when no one believes me. That sort of thing."

"Huh. Figures." Gianni, however continually stares at an Asari at a Kiosk. She nods and leaves a dossier on the desk. "Listen, Shepard, I have to do something. Why don't you…_ drink your beer_."

As the Spy left for the shadows, Shepard picked up the dossier and read it. On it, Gianni asked the Commander to ask for the 'special' selection not marked on the store. Shepard turned to his crewmates and nodded.

"Ahem." Shepard said, seeing the Asari turn around.

"Welcome! What can I do for you today?"

"Umm… do you sell 'anything else' but mods?"

The Asari looked around. "Why are you using air quotes?"

"Sorry, force of habit. Is there… anything else that's not listed on the Kiosk?"

The Asari looked around and whispered. "Meet me in the alley in the back. Handjobs and Anal are 500 credits. Half and Half are 300."

"N-no! I meant… 'products'."

"Oh! Of course! We have available sizes for everyone, including Turian, Batarian, Krogan-"

"I meant weapons mods like maybe from… Noveria!"

The Asari smiled and bopped herself on the head. "Oh! Sorry, I do sidejobs. Here you go!"

"That's far enough!" Gianni said, coming right in.

"Parasini!"

"You're under arrest for selling illegal mods and prostitution on the side. I may not have any authority here on Illium, but you've done more than enough to damage your reputation. Hire a lawyer quick, before I sue your blue ass pantless!"

The Asari ran away quickly, as Gianni gave a loud chuckle.

"Thanks for the help, Shepard. What are you gonna do next?"

"There's a Drell, an Asari Justicar and a possible threeway with twins waiting for me. I'll go where the win takes me."

The Corporate spy smiled. "Well… here's one for the road." Gianni then leaned over and gave a peck on Shepard's cheek, showing her appreciation.

"Hmm… I could get used to this!" Shepard said, as he went up the stairs to meet with Liara T'soni.

"Have you ever faced an Asari Commando, before?" The former Archaeologist said. "Few people have."

"I'll make this simple. You deliver the credits I want, or I flail you alive… with my mind! Shepard!"

Liara quickly turned to her former crewmate and gave him a great big hug. "You're alive… it's so good to see you!"

"Liara, I might just be taking this horribly out of context, but here it goes: Were you threatening that guy?"

The Asari smirked. "Oh. Him. Don't worry, they pay, they always pay."

Shepard gulped a little as he sat by his former squadmate. "How have you been? I heard you were working for the Shadow Broker."

"And you, Cerberus. These have been a long 2 years, Shepard. I've had… debts to pay."

"Don't worry about it!" Shepard said. "Join my crew! We'll stop whoever's in your way!"

"I _can't_, Shepard. I'm working for the Shadow Broker, now. I have to be discreet."

Shepard looked around. "Discreet about what? Are you trouble or som-"

"Shh!" Liara said, covering his mouth. "Not so loud! Listen… I need you to hack some terminals for me. Then I can explain more."

"Well, then… can you at least give me some information about these squadmates?" The Commander said, handing Liara 2 dossiers.

"Let's see… Thane Krios' contact can be found near the docking bay and you can talk to a tracking officer to find Samara."

Shepard nodded. "By the way, do you know where we can find an Asari named Lentia?"

"Oh, her? She should be staying at the Eternity lounge, down the stairs, to your right. Good luck, Shepard. I'm counting on, you."

The Commander then proceeded to the Eternity, lounge only to have a disgruntled Asari pace around outside.

"Damn that idiot! Some asshole's trying to shakedown my bar, trying to get the property rights, but I'll get him. One more attempt and the security cameras will send that idiot to prison!"

Shepard and company stared at each other and shrugged. They went inside the bar, only to find a blond ne'er-do-well, threating the shopkeep.

"Oh yeah! Don't push me around; I'm a badass!" The voice said.

"Uh-huh." The Asari bartender nodded.

"Crap! Look away!" Shepard said to his companions. "If we're lucky, he won't notice-"

"Commander Shepard!"

"Oh, great… Conrad! It's been… far too soon!"

The fanboy kept getting closer and closer to the commander. "It's been so long since I've seen you. I've been doing so much that I-"

"Conrad! What did we say about Commander Shepard's personal space?"

The blond man sighed. "Commander Shepard's personal space is not to be violated without permission. Always assume you do not have permission."

"That's right! Now, why are you shaking this bartender down for the ownership?"

The blond man smiled and walked around. "I'm learning from the best. 2 years ago you shoved a gun at my face and was a real jerk to me. But I learned well, and I became… _hardcore…_"

Shepard rubbed his temple. "Conrad, you're very, very confused. I was nice to you, remember. I was very patient with you, too… which is now running thin."

"Nuh-uh! I remember because I have a photogenetic memory. See? Here's a flashback!"

_What Conrad remembers…_

"_Grr! Go away, I don't like you anymore, and you smell!"_

"_How could you, Commander Shepard! I worshiped you! You were a hero to me! No, I won't leave, no matter what nasty thing you do!"_

"_Go away before I shoot you!"_

"_Boo-hoo!"_

"And that's exactly what happened!" Conrad said, crossing his arms. No one said anything for a good while.

"Conrad, you're sick. You're very, very sick, and I don't want anything to happen to you in this fragile state of mind. Now, tell me what you were doing to this bartender…"

"You'll never guess what happened! While I was cosplaying, they make really good replicas y'know, this Asari gave me a tip to shake down this place. Apparently, it's a red sand joint!"

The Asari bartender sighed. "There's so many holes in your logic, it's a wonder that you know how to dress yourself."

"Okay. Conrad, wait here and do nothing! Do you understand? Nothing but breathe. I'm going to go talk to this Asari, and straighten this out."

"Thanks! The undercover agent's by the weapon's kiosk. It's great having back again!"

Shepard, while walking to the Weapons kiosk, was confronted by Miranda.

"Commander, not to be a bother, but how long are we going to get sidetracked by these insignificant side quests? My sister's life is at stake."

"Miranda, don't worry your pretty head. I just need to make sure this fanboy doesn't get himself into any more trouble."

Shepard, coming across the docking bay, went to see the Asari near the weapon's Kiosk.

"Excuse me, but did you happen to tell a man named Conrad Verner to get the lease on the Eternity Bar?"

The Asari nodded condescendingly. "_Oooh, _you're Conrad's friend! Yes, that place is a naughty, bad people place. You should go there and get me the ownership-"

"Cut the crap! We all know you pulled a fast one over Conrad."

"Oh, so what now?"

Shepard smiled, using his CHARM skill. "Why, I just happened to get your lease for you. Just go up and ask away…"

"Oh! That's somewhat kind and abrupt for you. Thanks! Here's a discount."

As the Asari left, Jacob was shaking his head. "Wasn't that more of a Renegade command, sir?"

"Hey, don't question the morality of gaming."

Shepard and company went back to the Eternity bar, only to find the weapons keeper Asari surrounded by, what was most likely, the authorities.

"No! You don't understand! I-I was told I had already gotten the lease from this place. Tell them, Shepard! Tell them!"

The Authorities turned to the Commander, who simply shrugged. This promptly led to the Asari being taken far, far away.

"What happened?" Conrad asked, his eyes beaming with innocence.

"Simple, young fanboy!" Shepard said. "The Asari wasn't actually an undercover agent, like you thought."

"She wasn't?"

"No. She was actually a spy! She would've taken this place, but luckily I stopped her."

"Golly!" Conrad said while Shepard's companions were simultaneously beating their heads against a nearby wall.

"But this has taught me an important lesson! If something happened to you, my biggest fan, I wouldn't have been able to go on!"

"Gosh darnit! All my interfering has left you unable to save the galaxy from certain destruction. I should've known better; from now on, I'm sticking to regular NPC actions!"

"You promise?" Shepard asked.

"I promise!"

"Seriously, don't come up in the 3rd game."

"I won't!"

As Shepard and Conrad parted sorryful goodbyes, he chuckled and turned to the Cerberus operative. However, his laughter slowly died down, in realization that she wasn't in the mood for games.

"(Ahem), Right! Let's go save Miranda's sister!"

The trio took a couple of steps forward to find the contact.

"Ms. Lawson? I'm Lentia. There's been a change of plans concerning your sister's relocation."

"What?" Miranda said, shocked. "Is she alright?"

"She's fine for now, but you listed someone as Niket as your trusted contact? He wants to change the family's location, but Eclipse mercs seem to be getting in the way. He needs your help."

"Do as he says. We'll provide cover fire while he changes the family's location."

Shepard turned to her. "Niket? Who's he?"

"My bestest- Err… I mean, my best friend from when I was raised by my father. Niket helped me escape the first time. Don't worry; he can be trusted. Shepard, we leave on your orders."

"Take it away, Blue Lady!" Shepard claimed.

"Excuse me?" The Asari asked accusingly.

"Umm… I mean… please take us there."

* * *

_The Docking Bay…_

Shepard and Miranda took a taxi to the area. However, from the sight of the Gunship on their right side window, Shepard could tell when a fight was coming.

"Dammit!" Miranda said. "Those Mercs are closing in on us."

There was a brief exchange of fire, before presumably the leader of the mercs, told them to cease fire.

"Shepard, we may be headed into a real firefight. Are you sure this is the right team for the job?"

Shepard looked in the back, seeing Grunt resting comfortably.

"Oh, c'mon, you two have a lot in common: you're both biogenetically engineered pinnacles of your species!"

Miranda glared at Shepard.

"Oh, all right. Let's head out."

Miranda glared at the mercenaries, prepared to engage them. "I assume since you've stopped firing you know who we are."

"Yeah. Our boss paid us good money to get the girl. You should leave now. Not only is Niket not gonna answer, but our boss Enyala ain't so forgiving."

"You've got a lot of nerve, showing up here."

"The same could be said for you. You stole a baby from the richest man in the galaxy."

Shepard immediately butted in.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the phone! Cue record scratch! Miranda, you told me you were part of a matched set!"

The mercenary leader laughed. "Is that what she told you? No. This crazy bitch stole our boss's baby girl."

"Shepard, it's complicated. We share the same DNA, just not the same birthdate. And at any rate, does it really matter?"

The Commander begrudgingly took out his notepad. "Well for one thing, it puts a damper on my sexual fantasies."

"Shepard!"

"Right. Priorities. You're not getting that girl!"

"Our boss gave told us to give you one chance to walk away. Do so, and you won't be harmed. My men have been…"

However, as the mini-boss dragged on incessantly about his defenses, another shipment of LOL mechs were on their way. Miranda stared at Shepard, signaling a Renegade Interrupt.

"C'mon! We can take 'em!" Shepard said, unwilling to do so.

Miranda glared at him.

"I don't wanna earn more renegade points. Not after all the moisturizing I've done!"

"Commander…"

"Oh, all right! Fine!" Shepard pressed the trigger, snapping the leader's neck while Miranda plugged several bullets into another merc.. Shepard then added the Coup'de grace and blasted the shipment container sending the shipment crashing down while killing 2 guards in the process.

"Finally!" Grunt said, unloading his shotgun.

"If I break out in Zits, I'm blaming you!" Shepard cried, firing away at the enemies. The Eclipse mercs were tenacious, unrelenting and had their mixture of shields, tech and biotics. However, they failed to take one thing into account.

"I. AM. KROGAN!" Grunt cried as he charged and bowled over several mercs in the process.

"And you didn't want to bring him along…" Shepard smirked.

"I still don't want to bring him along! What if he endangers my sister?" Miranda cried, firing away at the enemies. However, after several long firefights, the crew came across a Walkie-talkie.

"_Check. Check. Is anyone there? Oh, c'mon! Just because you dumped me doesn't mean you can give me the cold shoulder!_"

"Okay, let's we've got to get some things out in the open." Shepard said. "Why didn't you say your sister was a kid?"

"She's not a child; she'll be 19 by the end of this year. My father simply chose to 'birth' her at a different time."

Shepard paused for a moment, before taking out his notebook again.

"That could work…"

"Focus, sir. We need to get to her before the mercenaries do."

Shepard sighed. "Alright… What's the layout of the docking bay?"

"There's going to be large amounts of people's baggage blocking you. You'll have to time your shots, otherwise you'll just be wasting ammo."

Shepard shook his head. "Because if it's one thing I needed in this game, it's to be pressed to find ammo. One more thing. Miranda, how much do you trust Niket?"

"With my life! He could've turned me in when I was escaping, but he didn't. He's my BFF!"

"…I take it you were rather young when you ran away."

"I happened to be very mature for a 13 year old!" She said, continuing to lead. However, further and further they went, more Eclipse mercenaries were blocking them. Luckily, with the help of wit, intellect, and… the fact that a very large, very angry Krogan was with them made the whole level a lot easier. However, all was not sunshine as roses as they listened in on the conversation between the mercenaries.

"_Hurry! We're closing in on the kid!_"

"Dammit, I'm not letting get to Oriana!" Miranda stated, blasting her way through the mercenaries.

"Sure wish my sister was that motivated to see me." Shepard grumbled, as he and Grunt played catch-up. While the two slaughted, shot and pretty much killed whatever was in their general direction, they finally caught up to the brunette.

"Jesus," Shepard said, panting. "I gotta cut down on the fries. Miranda-"

"Shh!" She said, listening through the walkie-talkie.

"_Okay, it's done. Niket will transfer the family to us."_

"What? No!" The Cerberus Operative said. "Niket wouldn't, he couldn't! There has to be some sort of misunderstanding!"

"Umm… Miranda…" Shepard said, seeing the various mercenaries fill the floor.

"Maybe, he's double-crossing them… Or... leading them into a trap or-"

"Miranda!" Shepard cried, pointing to the mercs.

"Or maybe he's trying to signal me and telling me he needs help!"

"Oh, screw it! Grunt!" Shepard said, ducking towards cover. Luckily, he and the Krogan squadmate were more than enough to tackle the Eclipse mercenaries while Miranda was lost in thought. Finally, after many, many enemies lay dead on the battlefield, Miranda walked towards the elevator in a daze.

"Maybe he knows the mercs are listening in or, he could be in a situation where he can't do anything else or-"

Shepard finally grabbed the brunette by the shoulders.

"Get a hold of yourself, woman! (Slap!) (Slap!) (Slap!)"

The Cerberus second-in-command finally regained her senses.

"I Apologize, Commander. I was just a bit shaken up."

"Wow, I can't believe that worked." He chuckled.

"It's just that- Niket couldn't have betrayed me. He wouldn't. Not his BFF!"

"Miranda, what if he did?" Shepard asked.

"No, it's impossible- he wouldn't have-"

"Miranda!" Shepard said. "You're not listening to me. Forget everything you know for a moment and consider the .01 percent chance he betrayed you. What then?"

"Then… then… that would mean Oriana has little enough time as it is! We have to get to her! Damn this elevator!" She said, slamming her fist into it "Why won't it go any faster?"

"Somebody didn't play the first game…" Shepard commented to himself.

* * *

_The Final Docking area…_

"No," Niket said frantically to the docking officer, "I-I do have authorization to change the family's booking!"

"I'm sorry, sir." The Asari said, looking at her dossier. "You're going to have to fill out the information again."

"But, I just did so!"

"Pencil is not an acceptable format. Please use Black or blue-"

"Dammit!" Niket screamed.

"This isn't worth my time, Niket." Captain Enyala said. "I have a whole battalion worth of mercs. Let's just blast our way there!"

"No!" Niket said. "That would be far too convienent and simple. We should do things the-"

However, Niket was cut off when he saw Shepard, Miranda and their Krogan cohort along side them.

"Miri?" Niket said. However, Shepard's crew instantly pulled out several guns in the process. The Docking administrator quickly tried to run away, but was quickly gunned down by Captain Enyala and her giant shotgun.

"Do you think we should've tried to save that dock worker?" Shepard asked.

"Who cares?" Miranda said. "She's just an airline worker. She's not even a real person."

"Now, Miranda…" Shepard said. "That's not very nice. It may be true; but it's still not very nice…"

Miranda stared at her former best friend, almost heart-broken to see Niket standing along side enemy lines.

"Just tell me why, Niket! Why?"

"Don't go pointing your finger at me, Miranda!" Niket cried. "I deserved to know you had stolen your baby sister! You broke the BBF code long before I did!"

"It was complicated!" Miranda said. "I didn't want Oriana to be found out!"

"Did Miranda's father buy you out?" Shepard asked.

"Yes. He gave me a great deal of money."

"Dammit, Niket!" Miranda said.

"Oh, get off your high horse, will you?" Niket said. "We're in the middle of a recession! Unemployment rates are higher than they've ever been, we've been cut off our unemployment benefits while you get it nice and easy on our top-of-the-line Alliance Stealth ship."

"You know… as much of a sell-out as he is, he does have sort of a point, Miranda."

"Is the family reunion done here?" Enyala said. "Unless Cerberus let's you walk around half-naked, I'd like to get this over with."

"Hey!" Shepard cried out. "Say what you will about Miranda! Say she's a thinly written character who's only here for fanservice to horny 13 year old boys. Say that she's simply here to pad out the celebrity voice acting.

But, DON'T. KNOCK. THE. CAT-SUIT."

Miranda rolled her eyes. "Way to come to my defense, Commander…"

"You're welcome! Unfortunately, now that Niket is working with your dad, we're going to have to move your sister somewhere else."

"No, you won't." Niket said. "I knew you were listening in so I didn't say anything about the location. Your father doesn't know yet."

"Then you're the only loose end!" Miranda said. "There's no choice. Goodbye, Niket!"

Shepard then saw opportunity for a Paragon interrupt.

"**Figuratively speaking**, of cour-" Shepard managed to stop her mid-sentence.

"Okay, what did I say about one-liners?" Shepard said.

The Cerberus Operative sighed and rolled her eyes. "One-liners are a writer's poor attempt to relive 80's action cliché's and presumes to make the world more fantasy than realistic."

"Besides, he was your BFF. Sappy as it sounds, you had history together."

Miranda fumed and glared at Niket. "Fine! Get out of here, Niket! I never want to see you agai-"

A shotgun blast instantly killed Niket as he went limp on the floor. Miranda glared at Shepard.

"What're looking at me for? She's the one who shot him!"

"Good point! Raaaragh!" She cried, launching the Asari towards the background. Thus, Shepard and company were left to the usual situation of dealing with a multitude of enemies. Fortunately, the Commander had devised a brilliant strategy to deal with the Eclipse mercenaries.

"Grunt, look! New shotgun!" He said, pointing to Captain Enyala.

"Mine!" He cried, charging through the enemy line. And so, the enemy defenses were successfully defeated, Captain Enyala was dead and Grunt made out with a Prototype shotgun.

"I don't understand…" Miranda said.

"Hey, pretty necklace!" Shepard said, grabbing it and putting it in his pocket.

"Shepard, I'm kind of having a moment here…" She said.

"Oh, right. Go on."

"I can't believe Niket would've betrayed me like that. After all we've been through! Why didn't you let me kill him? He would've wounded up dead anyway!"

"Miranda, he was you BFF. And in the end, you would've just plain regretted it."

The Cerberus operative sighed. "I guess you're right… Be alert. More Eclipse could be at the Docking area.

* * *

_The Final Docking Bay…_

The trio went up finding no Eclipse mercenaries. Instead, they only found a young girl talking with her family.

"There she is…" Mirands stated. "Unharmed. She's… happy."

"I thought you were twins…" Shepard said.

"You're never going to let that go, are you?"

"I'm sorry! I have ambitions, too!"

Miranda stood for a moment and sighed. "We should go."

"Don't you wanna talk to her?"

"There's nothing to talk about. She's happy and I-I"

"Miranda, I'm going for Paragon mastery here. Just go and talk to her, already."

The Cerberus operative sighed. She slowly found herself walking towards the young woman. At first, she found herself at a lost for words. Finally, she exchanged dialogue with her sister (off-screen, of course. Besides, who'd want to listen to two estranged sisters getting together?)

After a long while, Miranda left with tears in her eyes. Oriana looked on as her big sister went on to save the galaxy.

"So… I'm guessing that's a no on the whole Ménage à trios thing?" Shepard said.

(Slap!)

(**A/N: **Has Commander Shepard earned Miranda's trust? What direction will he choose to take next? How long will he obsess over that threesome that will never happen? Find out next time in another exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied"! )


	9. Chapter 9

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 9**

_Back aboard the Normandy SV-2…_

Shepard walks in on Miranda, relaxing by her chair staring out into space.

"I looked there, once." Shepard began. "Nothing really happening, to be honest…"

"I have to thank you again, Commander…" Miranda said. "You proved you were loyal, unlike Niket. And Oriana's safe again. That's great…"

"So, umm… You and Niket… were you guys serious or, just-"

"He was my best friend, and I was still a child when I ran away. Nothing serious,"

Shepard turned away to give a momentary fist pump before turning back again.

"So, what'd you and your sis talk about?"

Miranda smiled. "Each other, of course! When she met me, she complimented my hair. Of course, her hair has a more natural approach to it. Then, she complimented my voice. But, her voice was naturally perfect, of course. Then she complimented my wonderful physique. But, that doesn't mean-"

"I get the gist of it. So, you're loyal, now?" Shepard asked.

"Yes."

"…That's it? A personal sidequest and you're all set?"

Miranda nodded. "Of course. What were you expecting?"

"Oh, I dunno. I guess a complex system consisting of me having to decide between my morals or my squad's loyalty using a scale-like system."

"Like in Dragon Age?"

"Actually, I was thinking more of the lines of The Sith Lords, but, it'll do."

The Cerberus Operative got dangerously close. "_Well,_ if it's any consolation, I'm also available as a love interest."

Shepard blinked twice. "That'll be sufficient, Ms. Lawson."

"Good." She smiled. "Unlock more of my conversation tree, then we'll… talk."

"Joker!" Shepard cried. "We're going to find Thane Krios!"

"_Sure thing, Commander_!"

* * *

_Illium…_

"Okay, for this mission, I think I'll take…" Shepard eyed his companions, each eager to get off the ship. However, a cleared throat reminded Shepard of his 'other' companions.

"Alright, fine. Zaeed and Kasumi."

"Dam' strait!"

"Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto."

Shepard sighed. "Please don't talk. Liara's info tells us that the Assassin's contact should be around… here!"

They came to the port, only to find an Asari, working busily on the computer.

"Seryna?" Shepard asked.

"What do you want? I'm busy."

"I'm a friend of Liara. You know, the Asari who flails people with her mind?"

Seryna looked up. "Oh, shit! Sorry 'bout that! Here, let me get you some coffee!"

After a quick cup of mocha, the crew discussed together.

"You came in the nick of time. Your assassin just accepted a contract: Nassana Dantius. If you want to find him, you'll have to work quick. Nassana booted out all her employees, fearing Thane. Unfortunately, all the guards in the world couldn't save her."

Shepard scratched his head. "Nassana, Nassana, why does that name sound so familiar?"

"She was an ambassador on the Citadel a few years back."

"Kinda vague…" Shepard said.

"Her sister was a slaver?"

"Uhh…"

Seryna sighed. "She was voiced by Gray DeLisle."

"Oh!" The Commander cried. "I remember! Yes, it's almost as if it was yesterday. In fact, I'm going to have a flashback about it, and no, this isn't some lazy writer's tool because the author forgot to put her in the last fanfiction."

(**A/N:** It really isn't!)

_Two years ago, on the Citadel…_

"_Commander Shepard, I need you to find my sister and kill some slavers. And no, this is not a set-up." The Asari said._

"_Fine."_

_One mission later…_

"_You set me up! I knew I shouldn't have trusted the VA of Azula, Vicky from the Fairly Odd Parents, Mandy and that crazy Elven chick from Dragon Age Awakening!"_

"_How about a discount?"_

"_Fine."_

Shepard blinked for a couple of moments, being dragged back to reality.

"In retrospect, I should've seen that coming. Okay, how do we get to her?"

"At Dantius towers. She'll be at the penthouse suite of her building. Conveniently, there's also a second building next to it with a bridge. We can go there now, if you like."

"Let's do it!" Shepard cried.

"Alright! Good thing our Assassin likes to prepare and wait for a chain of events to occur rather than just go on ahead, otherwise he'd been done by now." Seryna says.

"Like I said, the wonders of being a main character."

* * *

_On the freeway…_

Shepard, Kasumi and Zaeed waited patently as Seryna drove them to the tower. Despite being bumper to bumper traffic, the Asari drove without care, cutting and charging into intersection after intersection. The Commander, who threw up on the tea cup ride on Disneyland, was not accustomed to such reckless behavior.

"Okay, I know this is the future and everything, but I'm pretty sure you can't drive like this!"

"We can't get held up in traffic! And about the assassin, you looking to kill him?"

Shepard sighed. "No. Quite the contrary, I need him for a top secret miss- oh my God! Car!"

The Asari sighed and simply drove around it at 70 mph. "You worry too much. Listen, I have to drop you off at the ground floor. You have to work your way up to find the assassin."

The Commander panted heavily. "I know I shouldn't be asking but, why can't we just fly up?"

"Rocket Launchers. Aimed for anyone for that entrance."

"Doesn't that mean whatever rocket launchers are left would be aiming for us?" Shepard cried.

"Pretty much. Oh, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just let the high velocity winds redirect them and you should be fine."

The car finally parked down as Shepard leapt out of the car for some fresh, still air.

"C'mon, Shepard!" Zaeed said. "I've 'ad turds that 'ave givn' me more trouble than tis!"

"I've played rougher games of _Initial D_ than this."

Shepard shook his head. "Oh, sure! Just pick on the guy who gets carsick! Hey, what's going on over there?"

The trio looked as several Salarians were being shot at and driven out by several LOL mechs and FERYL dogs. The group looked at each other and withdrew their guns.

"Okay," Shepard said. "We should wait for the dogs to come here and then ambush the remaining-"

A shot though the transparent glass interrupted Shepard's calculated plan as the Commander stared at Zaeed, yelling at the top of his lungs.

"C'mon, ya dirty buggas! I'll take on the goddam' lot of ya!"

"Fine." Shepard sighed. "Open fire!"

The trio opened fire upon the mechs, taking them down one by one. However, during this skirmish, Shepard aimed to know more about his squadmates' abilities.

"Let's see…" Shepard said. "Kasumi! Use Tactial Cloak!"

"Hai, hai!" Kasumi cried, disappearing from sight. Before long, she reappeared behind one of the mechs and punched it heavily, before cloaking again and returning to her position.

"Alright, a good skill this time!" Shepard cried, killing the last of the mechs.

The Trio continued on, only to find a Salarian lying on his back, covered in blood.

"Please, help… us!" The Alien said, hacking up blood with each breath.

"Dude, hold on! We're here to help. But first, we need you to dispense some exposition, even though talking any further in your state may cause your untimely death."

The Salarian hacked. "Must. Give. Background information! We're just night workers. We worked under minimum wage and- My spleen! We… were forced out, told to pack up our things and leave! My brothers jumped to escape the horror!"

"Oh my god!" Shepard said. "Nassana's killing her own employees?"

"Killing? No! Weren't you paying attention? We were laid off! Without unemployment benefits! My family will starve in this economy and… oh God!"

Shepard then ultilized this moment to find his Paragon Interrupt.

"Kasumi! Hand me your Omni-tool!"

The Japansese crewmate did so, as Shepard proceeded to put both Omni-tools in both hands and rub them feverishly.

"Clear!" Shepard said, providing a quick electric shock to the Salarian, back on his feet.

"Here, take 2 of these medi-gels right away. Oh, by the way, did you happen to see a Drell Assassin before?"

The Salarian shook his head.

"Oh, well, time to do things the hard way. Onward!"

"Find the others! They are worse off than me…" The Salarian said before passing out.

"Okay, let's find our assassin before he makes the kill and leaves." Shepard pointed forward as his DLC companions followed by closely. However, it wasn't long until more enemies reared their heads. Luckily, Shepard found cover behind chest high construction materials and fired back.

"Kasumi! Use Tactical Cloak!"

"Got it!" Kasumi said, disappearing from sight. However, Shepard was dismayed, only to find Kasumi back again.

"Can't do it!"

"Huh? Why not?" Shepard said, ducking from bullet fire.

"There was something in the way…"

"Then do it again before you-"

Kasumi fainted from her wounds.

"Pass out and become no help to me at all. Alright, Zaeed, switch to your sniper and-"

"Bloody 'ell!" He said, before he passed out too.

"This gag is getting really old, you know!" Shepard cried, killing the rest of the enemies all by himself. His squadmates resurrected as he unlocked the chamber to the far side of the room using his hacking skills. There, he met with several Salarians, all looking a bit depressed.

"Wait, you're not one of the mercs." A Salarian said. "Who are you? Are you here to help us?"

Shepard shrugged. "Yeah, why not? I've got time to kill."

"Thank goodness! I thought we'd be stuck here forever! Nassana didn't make things easy for us."

"The Bitch." Salarian said. "I give her the best years of my life and here's how she repays us! No respect!"

"Not exactly employer of the month material, I take it?" Shepard asked.

"Not unless you count long overtimes and unannounced terminations qualities to admire. Underpaid overtime, pink slips issued for no reason, and worse yet, she took our donuts!"

Shepard, for some reason, remained unmoved. "How do I get to the first building's penthouse suite?"

The Salarian cleared his throat. "Use the cargo elevator to get up an then take a bridge connecting this building to the next one."

"Wait, what is this building for, anyway?"

"Human resources."

."Figures. Hey, did you guys happen to see an… I dunno, assassin walk by, waiting to kill her."

"He's probably the one who locked us in this room. I'll tell you one thing; he's no Salarian." The employee said.

"Ah, well. Okay, get out of here!"

As the group left, a Salarian stood back to convey a message.

"If you see your assassin, tell him to aim for her head, because she's an asshole! Wait. I think I said that wrong."

Another Salarian stood back. "No, no, no! It's "Tell her to aim for her head, because she's nothing but an asshole!""

Shepard cleared his throat. "Actually, I think it's 'aim for her head, because she doesn't have a heart'."

The Salarians looked at each other.

"But then you have to omit the part about her being an asshole."

"Move, you two!" Shepard exclaimed, staring at a lone elevator.

"What are the odds this thing's carrying enemy reinforcements?"

"A billion ta one, I reckon'" Zaeed grunted.

"Okay, Kasumi, take cover behind the chest high crates to the left, Zaeed, you take right. Ready?"

Both comrades nodded. Shepard pushed the button and leaped for cover. However, it was his demise that he found that the elevator was still running.

"Oh, right. Elevators…"

"Betta be 'ell of a paycheck for me after 'tis!" Zaeed grunted.

"Yu-gi-oh, anyone?" Kasumi said.

* * *

_One hour later…_

"And that puts your life points to zero!" Kasumi said, victorious.

"Big whoop. Everyone knows that Synchro monsters are banned from tournaments."

"This coming from an Exodia user?" Kasumi smirked.

"'Ey! Them's baddies coming down, now!"

Shepard and Kasumi scrambled, picking up their cards and darting back to cover. There a Krogan and 2 mercanaries fired their weapons at the trio. Luckily for our heroes, they were more than sufficiently prepared to kill them at a moment's notice. Once a moment's notice had passed, the trio stepped into the elevator, awaiting their next destination.

_On the upper floor…_

The trio enter the scene with just a lone Eclipse guard staring out the window.

"Nah, there's nobody here. I'm just hanging around, alone, watching the traffic as usual. No, I don't know what tempting fate means."

Shepard and his fellows aimed their guns at the merc. "Turn around and you'll find out."

The guard froze and swallowed hard. "_Shit._ Okay, what do you want with me?"

"Tell me where the assassin is before I do something I might regret."

The merc leaned back. "I ain't scared of you. You're just an unfunny character in a mediocre fanfiction."

Suddenly, a Renegade interrupt reared its head once more as Shepard looked at the many floors below.

"Oh, come on!" Shepard whined. "Even I have my limits!"

"This fiction doesn't even make sense." The Guard continued to complain. "The plot follows the plot, but it's highly exaggerated and the character's personalities are made into ridiculous caricatures."

"Fine." Shepard said, giving in.

(**A/N:** Incredibly lame joke up ahead.)

Shepard breathed. "**THIS. IS. A. SATIRE!**"

He kicked the guard down, smashing him through and letting him fall to his untimely death.

"Tat' ain't too hard, was it?" Zaeed said.

Shepard held up his fist in preparation.

**Achievement Unlocked- Pop Culture Whore 20 G. **

"Okay, let's go. Kasumi, pick up that datapad, lying conspicuously on the floor."

The trio continued forth, only to find more guards chattering amongst themselves, not noticing the heavily armed guests around them.

"_Have you found him yet?"_ Nassana said through the Com channel.

"No, but we're looking everywhere we can. As long as there isn't a random third party around to fuss things up, we should be okay, nice and-"

Shepard and his crew fired upon the guards, killing nearly all of them at once. Whatever ones were left, were forced to face against Shepard's powerful team.

"Hmm…" Shepard said, looking at the middle room chamber, conveniently locked. Using his expert mini-game skills, he was able to open the door with relative ease. However, he was met with a hysterical Salarian, holding up a gun.

"Stay back!" A Salarian holding a gun said, panicked and in a tired state. "I'm warning you, I'll use this thing!"

Shepard thus used his CHARM skill.

"You do realize the safety's on in that thing, right?"

"It is?" The Salarian said. "Oh, I'm so… embarrassed!" The Salarian said before fainting.

"Telon!" A Salairan said, running to the fainted Salarian. "Please, wait! He's my brother! He was just nervous, that's all!"

Shepard looked around, only to find a guard lying on the floor.

"Did you guys kill him?" He asked.

"No! The mercenary was telling us to get out when all of sudden, his head just- exploded!"

Zaeed nodded. "Tat right there was a dam good 'eadshot. Mos' likey using a sniper."

Shepard scratched his head.

"Kasumi, can you just translate what he just said?"

"Nani?"

"Nevermind, please continue with your story."

"Then, this figure, an assassin maybe, pushed us inside here. That's all we know. Please, just let us go!"

"Don't worry; we've cleared the building of mercs. It should be safe for you."

The Salarians looked at each other. "But, what if you missed some of them?"

"Listen, I'm a main character, and when I clear out a floor, it's clear of all enemies. Now, get a move on!"

The Salarian Telon finally awoke from his fainting spell. "Ughh. Can we go home now?"

His brother nodded as the Salarians left on their way.

"_What just happened? Hello. Someone pick up the damn phone!"_ Nassana's screams began to irritate the party, so Shepard picked up the line and answered.

"Oh, uhh… nothing wrong here! Just, minding our own business, guarding your safety."

"_How do I know you're not the enemy?"_

Shepard cleared his throat. "Umm, boss. Just because we're speaking, can we get a raise?"

"_Ha! You can get a raise on my cold, dead body. Wait! I-err mean, you can get it on my sleeping, yet alive body! Yes, that's what I meant…"_

Shepard nodded to the crew and continued onwards, only to find a sniper rifle on the ground.

"Multiple round rifle. Interesting…"

The crew continued upwards, only to find more enemies lurking about in the windy, open bridge.

"Forget about the explosives, he's probably already past us!" One of the mercs said.

"Quick, hostile contacts!" The Eclipse mercs said, swarming them.

"God, I need to get paid more for this…" Shepard said, taking cover and firing back on whoever confronted them.

"_Okay, you win!" _Nassana said through the PA system. "_I'll double- no, Triple your salary whoever kills him!"_

"Guys, hurry!" Shepard said. "She's getting more desperate!"

The Trio blasted their way through the rocket launchers, the turrets, the mercenaries and whoever else was standing in their way.

"_Crap!"_ she yelled. "_I'm sending whatever reinforcements I can afford right now!"_

Nassana's best mercenary stepped outside with a Krogan shotgun. Unfortunately for the merc, she was up against a main character, a soldier with a sniper rifle and an invisible thief. Needless to say, she didn't last very long.

"Quick!" Shepard screamed. "Get inside before she decides to spend more money!"

* * *

_Nassana's Penthouse Suite…_

Nassana and several guards stared down the intruders.

"Shepard, I thought you were dead…"

"I got… kidnapped by an evil organization and brought back to life. It was very helpful."

Nassana giggled. "I'm sure you find this all very ironic. Invade my office and kill my guards, would you? Bastard."

"Umm… boss?" One of the mercs said. "They're not in cover or nothing. Do you just wanna kill them now?"

"No. I want to gloat first. Yes, that always turns out right. Yes. What is this about, Shepard? Credits? Revenge? Pleasure?"

"No. No. And Dammit, if you were interested, you should've told me in the first place."

"Feh! Who gave you the right to play God? You've killed people too; what makes you any different than me?"

Shepard subtley heard a clanking in the vents. "A lack of anxiety for one thing…"

"How dare you mock me when you're about to kill me? And-"

One of the guards reacted. "I think I heard something!"

"Dammit!" Nassana cried. "Alright, check the other entrances. Shepard, you just stay where I can-"

Suddenly, a Drell Assassin drops down and disables several guards with kung-fu, wire fu and the ever unappreciated gun katas. When it was all said and done, the Assassin was holding Nassana's arm and armed his other hand with a gun. It discharged, leaving only Nassana to groan in pain as Thane put her body in a crossed arm position.

"You know for an Assassin, you're awfully noisy."

The Assassin said nothing, simply praying at the recent corpse.

"Hey, guys. I think our comrade is deaf."

"I am not. Prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken."

"Religious, that's one…" Kasumi said under her breath.

Shepard scratched his head. "Praying for your targets you just killed? A bit… unorthodox."

Thane looked up. "Not for her, for me. The actions of an individual can be hard to discern by actions alone. I've tracked your progress for sometime. You came looking for me. Well, here I am."

"You were watching me?" Shepard asked.

"Yes. Somehow the Gods intervened as I just needed a distraction during that time."

"Using the main character to his advantage… Dammit, don't have that one." Kasumi scoffed, looking at a chart.

"You're welcome… Anyway, I need your help on a very important mission. The Collectors are abducing human colonists and I need to put an end to it."

"The Collectors… Hmm. Targeting them would mean going through the Omega-4 relay. You are aware of the consequences?"

Shepard scoffed. "They said I couldn't land on Ilos too. But I proved them wrong."

"A fair point. Yes. That would be an appropriate goal. I'm dying, you know. I'm trying to leave the world a better place before I move on."

"Yatta!" Kasumi screamed as Zaeed tossed his chart on the floor.

"Pardon my curiosity, but what are your companions doing?"

"Oh, they're just playing trope bingo, with all the spaces filled with certain characteristics of an assassin."

Thane was taken aback by this. "I… see."

"Don't worry; they're much worse than you are. Continue."

"As I was saying, your missing colonists are innocent in this matter. Very well, I shall work for you, no charge."

"Finally, some good news!" Shepard sighed.

(**A/N:** Will Thane cooperate with Shepard on the mission? Will his disease be a cause of concern? How much does Slifer the Sky Dragon go for these days?

Find out to these questions and more in the next exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied"!)


	10. Chapter 10

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 10**

_The Debriefing room…_

Shepard and Thane came in, seeing Jacob looking a bit more disgruntled than usual.

"Heard a lot of stories about you, Krios. Gotta say, I'm impressed… for an assassin."

"My arm is Shepard's. I am here to fight for him." Thane retorted.

"Yeah, right. Assassins are only as loyal as their next paycheck."

Shepard scratched his head. "Which would be, unless you're like Thane and do it free of charge. Jacob, is this going to be a problem?"

Jacob shook his head. "No. The writers thought I needed more lines. Tell you the truth, nothing really develops from this at all."

The Commander chuckled. "Then what was this for? To give the shippers more maleslash?"

The room stood silent, only to realize Shepard's mistake.

"No! Wait! I didn't mean that!"

EDI chimed in. _"513 results found under Thane/Jacob Romance…_"

"Oi, me and my big mouth. Thane, let's get you settled in."

The Assassin nodded. "I would prefer someplace dry with low humidity."

"_The Life Support section is somewhat more arid than the rest of the ship."_

"Ah, an AI. My thanks." Thane said, leaving.

"He seems quite civil…" EDI said, before disappearing.

Shepard turned to Jacob. "Look, I know you may not like assassins, but we may need his help on this mission. Clear?"

The Black Officer sighed. "Might as well. Don't want to give the shippers any more fuel…"

"Jacob, one thing to learn. Shippers never stop, not for the canon, not for the main characters and not for us. Get used to it."

Jacob and Shepard left, while the Commander took the elevator down to get laid- Err… I mean, get acquainted with his new squadmate.

"Hey, Thane!"

"Shepard," The Drell said, staring at a window of the driver core. "Do you need something?"

"When I recruited you, you said you were sick. Mind if I ask why?"

"It's called Kepral's syndrome. The Drell homeworld is very arid and dry. Kahje, the homeworld of the Hanar is very wet and it rains everyday. Our lungs can't handle the moisture and eventually, we stop breathing altogether."

Shepard paused. "Wait… you live on a raining planet?"

"Yes?"

"Don't you think the Drell's condition and the fact that Kahje rains everyday might be connected somehow?"

Thane sighed. "We are grateful to the Hanar from saving us from our homeworld."

"Grateful's one thing, but living on a raining planet invites trouble. Alright, fine, so how long do you have?"

"The Doctors prescribe my condition to 8-12 months. When my body stops moving, it's most likely the disease has won.

Shepard scratched his head. "Is there no cure? Not even Medi-gel?"

"No, this is a terminal disease so that the writers don't have to include me into the next game. However, I should be fine for the mission. Thank you for coming by. It was… entertaining to exchange words."

"Umm… you too?" Shepard said, leaving.

He, then, quickly went towards Miranda's office, but not before spraying some cheap cologne on himself and coming his hair into a neat style.

"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too, loo loo loo, we've got some apples let's get together and lulu-"

"Commander," Miranda said, seductively.

"Oh, hey there! You need something?"

"Come into my quarters for a bit we need to discuss some… _personal matters._"

"Yippee Kai Yay!" Shepard shouted, leaping into Miranda's room.

"I just wanted to say…" Shepard nodded, saliva forming in his mouth and his belt slowly coming off.

"How Cerberus isn't as evil as you might expect-"

At this point, the Commander snapped out of his stupor and readjusted his belt.

"Oh. Umm… I strongly disagree."

Miranda sighed. "Our methods may seem harsh, but we're doing what's best for humanity."

"Look, Miranda. I trust you completely and all that jazz, but you have to realize that Cerberus is full of morally corrupt bastards who do sick experiments. Remember those experiments with the Thorian, the Husks and the Rachni?"

"We weren't experimenting on them; they were already crazy when we had them. They would've provided shock troops. Imagine how much better the battle on Eden Prime would've gone if we'd deployed our troops there."

Shepard looked away, only to imagine various Alliance soldiers being eaten, vomited on or otherwise shocked by Miranda's suggestion.

"Umm, you may want to rephrase that better. And I'm pretty sure Jack just _loves_ Cerberus ideals."

"Wasn't us."

"Of course it wasn't…" Shepard sighed. "So, why _do you_ trust Cerberus so much?"

Miranda walked over to her view of space. "Because I'm still envious of the time Mordin spent with the STG. This, all of this, was my father's sick creation."

Shepard sighed. "I thought we already resolved all the daddy issues in this game…"

"What was that?"

"Miranda, you do realize you do have free will and that dictates you are in charge of your own destiny."

"Am I? Look at you, having only basic military training and you manage to make a name for yourself. I know what you did on Lost Sumor."

"Everyone knows what I did on Lost Sumor. The point is you should feel happy about yourself, given how you lead your life, not your father."

Miranda looked up. "Oh! I hadn't thought of that. Well, I guess this gives you time to _admire_ my body, doesn't it?"

Shepard stood at attention. "Yes, ma'am!"

"Would you… like to investigate more?"

"Yes, indeedy!" Shepard smiled, his unmentionables slowly growing more excited with each phrase.

"Then, you'll have to do another planet."

Shepard's mood suddenly disappeared, only to have a string of profanities follow him.

"Dammit! Why'd you do that to me?" He cried.

"I'm a professional, Commander. Business before pleasure."

Shepard grumbled, leaving his cockpit, only to run into Jack.

"Oh, hey there! How come you're not in your little pit, fuming about the world?" Shepard asked.

"Because I'm pissed the fuck off at Cerberus!"

"Oh, business as usual, then?"

Jack writhed. "Shepard, I found the place where those bastards were experimenting on me! Pragia. I wanna go there and deploy a big, fucking bomb and blow it the fuck up!"

"Can it wait? I need to get more people onboard."

"What the hell?" Jack screamed. "You do the cheerleader first and then me? What's the deal?"

Shepard then gazed around, ensuring no NPC's were listening in. "Jack, listen! At any moment, the Illusive Man will call in and give me a mission that I can't skip or prepare for! I need to make sure you-know-who doesn't call me to see him."

"You mean Chamb-" Jack found herself cut off when Shepard covered her mouth.

"Shh! Don't jinx it! I'll get to your mission as soon as possible."

"Fine. Also," Jack then proceeded to put Shepard in a full Nelson. "Touch me again without my say, and I'll break your fucking arm!"

Shepard gasped. "Will do!"

* * *

_The Planet Aeia…_

Using the Cerberus taxi service, the trio consisting of Shepard, Jacob and Miranda touched down on the planet's surface. There, they met with the planet's beautiful tropic setting while seagulls passed by slowly. The sunset must been an exact copy of the one on Illium since it didn't move an inch.

"Huh, not a bad place to crash land…" Shepard commented.

"Good thing you found the shipwreck using the scanner." Jacob said.

"Don't remind me…" Shepard groaned. "Hey, look!"

The trio then found a massive cruiseliner, overgrown with moss and various other fungi found on Sargent Gardner's feet. It was in pieces with only a lone VI guarding it.

"_Welcome to the Hugo Gurnsback Singles Cruiseline, the galaxy's #1 choice for smooth sailings; I'm your personal VI, sending a distress signal to anyone out there!"_

"Huh, they really pushed that whole singles resort angle, didn't they?" Shepard asked.

"_Ever since Captain _**Harris Fairchild **_went out of commission, we've been having a blast here with our new Captain,_ **Ronald Taylor**_! __Alert, this terminal has been inactive for a barely noticeable _**8 years, 11 months**. _Uh oh! Singles, be on the look out! Local floura and fauna are prone to cause brain damage!_"

"Wait, my father was only 1st Officer…" Jacob said.

"_Ever since our cool Captain _**Harris Fairchild**_**, **__died on impact, _**Ronald Taylor** _took over!"_

"9 years?" Miranda said. "If this… thing is a distress beacon, then it sure took a while to call."

"_There was a suspension in my protocol due to… having good times!"_

"Umm…" Shepard asked. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but the food makes you… dumber?"

"_Correctamundo! Heavy analysis shows that despite cleansing or preparation, food here is most likely to cause, sing it with me: cognitive damage, memory lost, absent mindedness, loss of inability to do basic math and others! Enjoy our complimentary cocktails instead!"_

"Let's get out of here; that VI is annoying the crap out of me!" Shepard said.

"_Remember, Singles: Hugo Gurnsback tours are not liable for any trauma you may or may not experience during your cruise. Stay safe and have a great time!"_

"Let's check the ship out first," Jacob said. "My father must've survived without eating the toxic food for 10 years."

"That's highly illogical, Mr. Taylor…" Miranda stated.

The trio ventured into the crashed ship, only to find several recordings and PDA's that for some reason or another, were still connected to their respective bank accounts.

"You'd think someone had enough sense to close it after hearing their client died in a shipwreck…" Shepard commented.

"Commander, come hear this!" Jacob said, over at the other side.

"_I… can't remember anything! Her name? What was her name? Losing myself… slowly…"_

"_I know things have been hectic since our captain died, but you can't just assume the chain of command… this isn't the military and we're not playing that game anymore!"_

"_Singles! This is your new captain, Ronald Taylor, speaking. And I'm here to tell you, I'm assuming direct control… of this party ship!"_

The transmission closes, as the trio looked at each other.

"Obviously, my father is the victim in all this."

"Oh, naturally!"

"Of course!"

The crew went outside, only to find a rather haggard looking woman (with a professional hair stylist), greet the party.

"Welcome to… the island! I'm… host, Betty…"

"I think we have confirmation on that brain damage." Miranda scoffed.

"You, here… to rescue us? Please, I-we've been working here for so long… Wages are terrible."

Just then, Shepard spotted several gunmen aiming at the women with fantastic hair. Shepard used his Paragon Interrupt to save the woman.

"**Shove!" **He cried, pushing the woman out of harm's way.

"Kill them; agents of the liar!" The trio promptly found themselves in a firefight until they quickly put down the rebellion. Shepard popped out and signaled the others to follow him.

"That wasn't brain damage; that was male testosterone." Miranda stated. "They were feral."

"Is this what happened to my father?" Jacob asked. "Either turned into a mindless slave or a raging beast like those football fans? No, we have to keep looking."

The trio continued up the hill, killing whatever unfortunate sap was in their way. Luckily, since the team was equipped with the state-of-the-art weaponry and shielding, as opposed to their opponents equipped with nothing but Hawaiian shirts and Grass skirts, and various other resort wear, Shepard blew through the hostiles rather quickly. Fortunately, the crew came across a settlement filled with various amounts of estrogen- Err… women.

"You!" One of the women said. "You have his face! You fight his machines, but you have his face!"

Shepard paused for a moment. "You know, taken out of context, that could be considered quite offensive."

"Eh, I've gotten used to it. Ever since George Lucas released the new trilogy during the dark ages, its set me and a bunch of others back about a millennia."

"These settlers seem to be quite… tame." Miranda said. "There's quite an obvious gender difference."

Jacob shrugged. "How insecure do you have to be to surround yourself with mindless female servants?"

For a moment, the two Cerberus Operatives sighed and turned to their illustrious leader.

"So, I said 'Are too' to confuse him and make him completely doubt the Reaper. Then, he shot himself!" Shepard chuckled, in front of the resort management. They clapped out of sheer ignorance.

"If you liked that story, wait until you hear about how I picked the new Councilor for the Alliance!"

"Commander, we really should find my father…" Jacob said.

"Aw, what's the rush?" Shepard said.

"_Get back to work, Slackers!"_ The LOL mechs said._ "Downtime comes out of your paycheck!_"

"Oh, snap!" Shepard cried, taking cover behind chest high crates and returning fire. Luckily, the mechs were as about as useful as ever, meaning they went down rather quickly.

"You!" A nearby woman said. "You fight his machines but you have his face!"

"That's still really messed up…" Shepard said.

"Here! Letters… too small for standard definition. Please, help us!" The woman said, handing Jacob a dossier.

"Jacob, what does it say?" Shepard asked.

"It says that my father and 5 officers had to impose order on the ship. Remember that annoying VI at the beginning of the level? That was the distress beacon. They had to make the crew eat the food to build the distress beacon. But, it was done 8 years ago."

"Well, to be fair, I wouldn't have gone near that distress beacon myself." Shepard shrugged.

"Neither would I, but look at this! Deaths of the other officers, exiling male crew members, women being assigned as pets. My father did all this! He played Swiss Family Robinson while the rest of the crew were his slaves! I can't believe what I had previously conceived my father to be a victim when he was the puppeteer all along!"

"That's called plot complication, kids!" Shepard said, turning to the camera.

"I'm so full of… obscure rage that I can't take it anymore! We have to find our father and take matters into our own hands!"

The crew went forward, deleting whatever obstacles in their way before coming across a pile of corpses.

"Obviously," Shepard said, "The old bodies were used as a warning sign for territory while the newer bodies were put on top."

"Umm… Commander," Jacob said. "You may want to look more closely…"

Shepard looked, only to find the bodies were laid in a sexual position instead.

"Great. He gets a threesome."

"Oh, lay off it, already!" Miranda groaned.

"_Thank goodness you're here!_" A voice in the overspeaker said. "_My mechs went a little out of control. You'll have to get through to them and the natives that held me hostage."_

"I can't believe this!" Jacob yelled. "He not only uses crewmembers, but covers his ass the moment someone's here to rescue him! That bastard!"

"Jacob…" Shepard said, trying to ward off the incoming mechs.

"Using people, playing God, underpaying his workers, this thing isn't my father!"

"Can we please complain _after_ we've gotten out of a firefight?" Shepard screamed. The trio blew their way through the remaining mechs and angry savages. However, the Commander and his crew were more than able to handle the mechs without any sort of strain.

"_You guys have no idea how hard it's been living here! I mean… All this time and no cable or extranet access? You can't imagine the inconvenience._"

"Oh, that does it! When I get my hands on him, I'm hauling his ass and tossing it out an airlock!"

"Jacob seems really upset…" Miranda said.

"Yeah, but look at it this way. That last threat was so bland and cliché that he might be getting his obscurity back. We're almost near the end of the level. C'mon."

The crew blasted through most of the opponents. However, the final area was truly a challenge: several enemies along with a YUMY mech on stand-by. Surely enough, this would require tactical finesse.

"Okay, guys. Whatever you do, don't hide behind that destructible chest-high wall."

"Hide behind the chest-high wall?" Jacob said. "You got it!"

"No, I said **don't **hide behind the- who am I kidding, the AI here is a joke."

And so, Shepard was faced with the daunting task of taking care of the mechs alone, because his squadmates were far too simple to realize hiding behind a cardboard box was about as good as hiding behind nothing. So, Shepard, using his spectacular common sense, managed to beat all of the opponents by himself. Thank goodness for player character intelligence.

"Enough with the toys!" Jacob said. "It's time to find out what the hell my father's been up to!"

The crew came across a rather scenic view with an office set up and several ladies waiting on stand-by. The only person there who wasn't rabid or tame behind belief was a man in red dressings, putting down his tropical drink.

"Thank goodness you've arrived! You have no idea what happened to me these past few years! I was put up as some sort of god, they imprisioned me here and no cable! You can't imagine the pain!"

Jacob cringed at the man. "What about your crew, acting captain?"

"Total loss. They were… sacrificed ritually to… satisfy the tastes of these cannibals. Did I mention they were cannibals?"

Jacob shook his head. "That's the best lie you could come up with?"

"Umm… who's your surly looking friend here?" Ronald asked.

"Taylor! Lieutenant Jacob Taylor!"

A silence filled the space, as all parties waited Ronald's response.

"That's nice. Now, can you get me out of here? I wanna get into some fresh clothes?"

Shepard slapped his forehead. "Don't you see somewhat a resemblance between him and you?"

"I don't follow…"

"He's your son! Your only son!"

Ronald bellowed. "Hahaha! That's a good one! I almost believed that! My 'only' son, that's a- Wait… maybe, no- he's a twin. He had a sister. Maybe, no, he wasn't a soldier. Oh, wait! Jacob? Oh, yeah! Jacob! It's been too-"

"Convenient? Tell that to the crew you've brain damaged!"

Ronald sighed. "Look, I know what I done was… wrong, but I had to do it! You didn't know what it was like after the crash! There was panic, chaos even! The A/C was down, the drinks were spilled and the Captain didn't tell us what was the mystery prize! So we took order, forced the crew to eat the toxic food. Then, things settled down, became calm. We realized the resort we wanted all along was here! I mean, granted, you had the whole 'toxic food' thing, but dining for 1 could last you a long time."

"You're a monster!" Jacob cried. "Using your crew to play out a male fantasy! I'd never have done that!"

Shepard turned to his companion. "Now, Jacob, let's be truthful here."

"Oh, alright! I might be tempted to do it, but it still doesn't justify what you did here!"

"Shepard," Miranda whispered. "Those vandals look like they're approaching fast."

"Hold them off; I've got a plan."

"Listen, I know what I did was… wrong. But I want to make up for it! Please, you have to get me out of here! You don't know what they're capable of! They'll nag me to no end about bigger wages!"

"Why shouldn't they?" Jacob cried, aiming a gun at his father. "We should just leave you here!"

"Now, now, let's be reasonable." Shepard said. "He can spend the rest of his days in an Alliance Cell."

"What? But, Commander! This- monster did terrible things to his crew!"

"Jacob, think about it. He's going away for a long time."

"Umm…" Jacob said, scratching his head.

"Where they separate the men and the women."

"Still don't get it."

Shepard sighed. "Where the men there haven't seen a women in so long, they'll do _anything_ to get their fix."

Jacob's eyes lit up, realizing what the Commander was suggesting.

"Yeah! That seems like a fitting punishment."

"Wait, wait!" Ronald said. "Now, let's not be too hasty here! I'm sure we could work something out! Prison seems a bit extreme, doesn't it?"

Jacob shook his head. "I don't know you. You've become somebody else!"

"Jason, please!"

"It's **Jacob**!"

* * *

_Back on the Enterprise, Err…The Normandy…_

"_Commander…_" Joker said through the intercom. "_The Alliance convoy has just arrived and picked up the last of the survivors._"

"Good job, Joker!" Shepard said. "You are permitted to be cocky for 2 minutes."

"Alright, then! Cabbage Patch, what, what?"

Shepard shook his head, going into the debriefing room, only to find Jacob already deep in conversation with the Illusive Man.

"What do you mean it wasn't you?" Jacob sternly said.

"Jacob," The Illusive Man said. "If I was going to release information about your father, I would've charged a sizable fee in order to get it. Information doesn't come cheap, you know."

"Are you just saying that to confirm what a total jerk you are?" Shepard asked.

"You know little about me, Shepard." The Illusive Man said, taking a drag. "Don't presume to judge my methods of being a 'jerk'."

"Then who sent the file?" Jacob asked.

"I did." Miranda said, popping out from behind. Shepard and Jacob stared at her quite viciously.

"It was bothering the both of us." Miranda stated. "You needed to clear your head for the mission and I, well I just frankly wanted to forget that terrible iPhone App. When your obscurity powers faded, I used it as an opportunity to send you those files."

"Miranda," The Illusive Man said, "We'll discuss your liberal interpretation of 'classified' later. For now, we'll end transmission."

For a moment, Miranda looked at Jacob with an almost remorseful look and then left without saying a word.

"Jacob, you okay?"

"It's all bull, Shepard! My father left and forgot about me for 10 years, and before that, Miranda sends me some files to help her forget. Seems like all everyone ever does is want to forget me…"

Shepard smiled. "Hey! Jacob, no matter what the fandom may think about you, you're a-ok in my book!"

Jacob smiled. "Thank you, Commander. That does me more credit that you know."

"And look at it this way! Ronald might get a hot date with a Krogan in prison!"

"4 sets of Testicles and all." Jacob smiled.

(**A/N: **Will Jacob be ready for the mission at hand? Will Miranda continue to tease Shepard sexually? How many cigarettes does it take to buy a prison bitch in an Alliance facility? Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next exciting installment of "Mass Effect 2: the Sequel that Needed to be Parodied"!)

**A/N 2:** Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!


	11. Chapter 11

_Up in the CIC…_

Shepard, fully dressed in a tuxedo was practicing his lines in front of no one in particular.

"May I say, that it is an honor to not only be nominated but receive this prestigious award from you all. I'd like to take this time to thank Keith David, the hard working people at Bioware, Drew Karpyshyn and Casey Hudson. And might I say, you like me, you really like me."

"Commander," Miranda said. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm just practicing if we win at the Video Game Awards tomorrow." The Commander said.

"'If?' Don't you mean 'when'?" Miranda stated.

"I don't think our chances are _that_ good." Shepard said. "I mean, we barely qualify for an RPG. What are the chances we pick that up _and_ Game of the Year?"

"Hey, what's with the fucking noise?" Jack said, coming in.

"We're discussing our big wins at the VGA's tomorrow." Miranda said.

"Pssch. Fuckin' Conformists. You all know it's rigged, right? Just look at the nominations. Nothing but corporations trying to get a product out."

Miranda shrugged. "Adding to that, this is **Spike TV** we're talking about, and we're pretty much guaranteed to win."

"Well, what about Final Fantasy XIII?" Shepard said.

"Oh, fucking sure!" Jack said. "I love running down linear hallways for 20 fucking hours!"

"Fallout: New Vegas might have a good chance." Miranda added.

"Only if RPG stands for Random Persistent Glitches." Shepard added.

"…Well, there's always Fable 3." Shepard added.

The trio looked at each other before bursting with laughter.

"Heheheh. Ha ha! Oh, god! Peter Molyneux… That joke never gets old."

(**A/N:** Be sure to tune into the VGA's on Spike TV and root for your RPG of the year, LIVE Saturday December 11th, 5PM EST.)

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 11**

"Hey, Thane!" Shepard said, making conversation.

"Shepard, can I help you with something?" The Drell asked, looking at the window.

"Why do you keep staring at the drive core?" The Commander asked.

"It's all to establish my 'distinguished yet distant' personality. It was my training with the Hanar that taught me the principles of being a true assassin."

Shepard whipped around. "The Hanar? Large pink Jellyfish who usually refer to themselves as 'it' and own stores for a living?"

"Correct. You may be deceived by their… harmless nature, but the compact tells us to obey them."

"Compact?" Shepard asked.

"It's an… agreement. When I was 6, my parents agreed to let me go train under the Hanar to become a full-fledged assassin. I was making my first kill when I was 12. It was a lovely birthday present."

The human scratched his head. "Lemme get this straight: the Hanar rescued you from your homeworld only to put you in an atmosphere you can't survive in and put you through compacts which basically enslave you."

"Shepard, are you making some sort of mockery of our culture?" Thane said.

"No, no! I'm just speaking out loud, per usual. So, how'd you go from Hanar to lone good vigilante?"

"Yes, well…" Thane's eyes begin to convolge as the camera starts cutting back and forth.

"_Target in sight. One finger pull and he dies. The Smell of cut grass and spice in the wind. Eyes defiant in the scope. How dare you?_"

Thane suddenly returns to normal, as if nothing happened.

"What the hell was that?" Shepard asked, unsure if he should move with all the frantic camera work.

"Oh, did I fail to mention the Drell trait of recollecting memories and recalling them via quick cuts and shining lights?"

Shepard slowly shook his head.

"My mistake, then." The Commander quickly left the room, and after about 5 minutes of projectile vomiting, he headed down to the engine core, wanting to chat up Tali.

He, then, quickly went towards Miranda's office, but not before spraying some cheap cologne on himself and coming his hair into a neat style.

"_Commander, Yeoman Chambers requests that you talk to Grunt before your next mission…_" EDI announced.

"Not now, EDI. I'm making preparations." He said, rubbing his hands in anticipation.

"_I am inclined to agree with her. Grunt is showing unusual signs of agitation, aggression, violence. Just this morning there have been reports of him mauling Engineer Donnelly-"_

"EDI! I'll get to it when I get to it! Besides, this kind of behavior's normal for a Krogan."

"_Very well, Commander… The Consequences are yours._"

"So is Operative Lawson!" Shepard said, jumping in.

"Miranda… I was wondering if you… had a minute?."

The Celebrity voiced character sighed. "I do. I suppose we should talk."

She quickly went behind her chair and bent over, showing off her cleavage.

"I don't know whether this is just stress or blowing off steam or-"

Shepard drooled for a good 2 seconds before responding.

"Oh, substance! Umm… I care about you too, Miranda."

"Dammit, Shepard! I'm a fighter, not a lover! We both know how unlikely we are to survive this mission against the Collectors! What, with your main character status and how the writers help you even when you fumble up to my celebrity voice, skin-tight plot armor and my damn hot body. The odds are against us! What idiotic bunch of hormones thought this was a great time for love?"

The Commander sighed. "Okay, look. I'm being upfront here; I'm not interested in love, just sex. Satisfied?"

"Heh. You ass. Just promise me, promise me! Tell me right now that you won't die!" Miranda pleaded.

"Wait, die as in 'Critical Mission Failure' or a plot death?"

"Plot death."

"Well, considering the dire situations you made out, I guess I have no choice but to say, I won't die."

Miranda sighed. "Then… give me some time to process this. I'll come by when I'm ready, okay?"

Shepard swallowed his pride as his manhood wasn't about to allow this.

"Define 'some time'."

"Endgame. But I assure you, it's worth it."

The Commander sighed, and slowly died a little inside when he nodded his head. After getting out of Miranda's office, he beat against the wall furiously, trying to vent out his frustration.

"Okay, I guess there's no choice. Joker, set a course for Haestrom! Time to pick up Tali!"

* * *

_Haestrom…_

The shuttle landed down, opening up to reveal Shepard, Garrus and their newest squadmate, Thane. The trio set out, only to be warned by EDI.

"_Commander, I am detecting unhealthy level of UV rays at your position. Staying under prolonged sunlight will cause severe sunburns along with death."_

"Wonderful…" Shepard sighed. "Okay, Garrus, you're our tech. I'll need you to deal with any Geth we might encounter. Thane, you're species grew up on a desert, so you should be fine. Any pressing concerns before we move on?"

"Hey, you think you're better than me?" Garrus said to Thane. "You think you're a better sniper than me?"

"No, I do not claim to believe I am a better assassin than you." The Drell said.

"Good, then-" However, Garrus was cut off.

"I know I am a better assassin than you."

"Oh, boy." Shepard sighed. "Here we go…"

"Well, at least my sniper has more power than you! Who uses a Viper anyway?" Garrus retorted.

"I prefer a rifle that does not exhaust itself after one shot." The Drell responded.

"Well- Err… Mine's longer!"

"Guys, stop comparing penises already."

Shepard paused at this statement.

"I-I meant rifle- Aw, screw it! Everyone's already read it. Let's get Tali!"

The trio moved to an inconspicuous area of light. After passing through it, they were faced with overloading shields and thus, took cover straight away. Shepard looked at his crew.

"Okay, Status report!"

"If you don't want Kentucky Fried Turian, I suggest you keep me out of the shade."

"Thane?"

"I wanted arid surfaces, not ones that would deteriorate my skin."

Shepard nodded. "Okay, let's see if we can find any clues to where Tali is-"

"_The Geth are everywhere!" _A nearby terminal said, with a Quarian crying. "_We came to this planet to study the UV rays, but the Geth swarmed us and managed to trap our leader, Tali'zorah nar Rayya in one of the far architectures."_

The Commander and the crew exchanged glances.

"That works."

"_Please, hurry before Tali might die, even though she's a main character and it's near impossible to kill off a character in a recruitment mission._"

"You heard the expositional hologram! Go, go, go!"

The crew headed out, only to find familiar larvae looking ships descend upon them.

"Just like ol' times, eh Garrus?"

"Hells yeah!" Garrus said, whipping out his sniper rifle. There, the crew was met with a familiar sight, dozens upon dozens of synthetic gunmen racing to kill them while they had the upper ground. However, the crew was met with a new challenge: Destroyers who possessed cloaking devices. Or, rather it should be, but since they keep moving and thus reveal themselves, it's sort of self-contradictory. The trio continued to fight their way through the Geth, only to find numerous Quarian corpses scattered around them.

"Should I be… this comfortable with seeing dead Quarians?" Shepard asked.

"Pretty common sight." Garrus shrugged.

"Well, we should- Oh! New submachine gun!"

"_Check. Check. Is anyone still alive there?_" A nearby walkie-talkie sounded off.

"Hello? I'm Shepard and… there's a lot of Quarian corpses here."

"_Good. We're doing better than expected. Name's Kal' Reeger. If you're Shepard, then you must be after Tali. Unfortunately, she's trapped inside a building and we have to get to her._"

"We're on our way. Try to… shorten casualties before we get there."

Suddenly, a Geth ship appeared shooting misiles at a nearby pillar. Shepard signaled his crew, but not before the pillar squished 3 Quarians in the process.

"_Dammit! That pillar is blocking your way! You'll need to go to 2 different sites and pick up the demolition charges in order to blow it."_

"Don't worry; we have a biotic on our side. He can lift the pillar away."

Reeger stood silent for a moment. "_You do? Umm… Oh! This is a 'special' pillar that can't be biotically moved."_

"It doesn't even look that high up. We could give each other boosts and climb over." Shepard defended.

"_Look. Do you want to get Tali or not?"_

"Fine, fine, fine! Let's go get the demolition charges that are slowly losing their importance with each passing moment."

The trio first set out to the demolition charge towards the left, only to be encountered by numerous Geth. Fortunately, they had a good distance between them, and thust killed the synthetic bastards and proceeded to go towards the plot device.

"Okay, here's the demolition charge. And, a diary by Tali?"

"_Day 23. We're having trouble penetrating the inner sanctum. For some reason, they cannot be biotoically moved or jumped over. I remember in the 1__st__ game Shepard used a mining laser to pierce through. As such, we're going to use these plot device explosives which should be effective… as long as the Geth don't automatically appear once picked up."_

Shepard stared at Garrus, holding said charge.

"Aw, fiddlesticks! Everyone take cover!"

The Geth raided down, now led by a new Geth Prime, equipped with 3 health bars and cloaking. As such, Shepard and co. used a majority of their bullets to finally take the monster down and continue forth.

"Okay, sadly I used up a majority of my bullets on that fight down. Who has ammo left-"

Suddenly, Garrus' Mantis and Thane's Viper shot simultaneously killing a majority of the Geth invading them.

"Note to self: bring snipers along more often…" Shepard said, getting to the next demolition charge.

"Look! Another diary entry!" Shepard cried out.

"_The study of the sun is going slowly but steadily. Being a main character is harder than I thought. But, as so long as we're not invaded or I don't lose more than 10 officers, I should be a-ok! Hmm… I wonder what those insect looking ships in the distance could be-"_

Shepard cut off the transmission. Before he could say anything snarky about said journal entry, more Geth were headed to their positions.

"There's too many of them!" Shepard cried out, while in cover. "We have to lose them! Quick! Into that ominous hallway towards the left!"

The trio took cover and went upstairs where they took cover.

"Huh. I wonder what this button does…" Shepard said, unknowingly opening the blinds and thus piercing a hole into everyone's shields.

"My bad!" He cried, taking cover and eliminating the Geth on the bridge. However, the Geth continued to stalk their position as the Commander, the Rebel and the Assassin held their ground.

"Quick! We have to cross the bridge in order to escape our enemies!"

"Shepard," Thane cried out. "I do not think that is a wise decision-"

"Go out to the bridge, so sayeth the main character!" Shepard cried. Thane sighed in defeat as the trio went out into the sunlight, burning them even more. Needless to say, Thane and Garrus, having the unfortunately of being AI's, were killed for not taking cover. Fortunately, because Shepard was being handled by an actual human being, he eliminated the rest of the enemies and waited for Thane and Garrus to wake up.

"And you didn't trust me!" Shepard smiled while Thane looked away. The crew set the charges and waited for the explosion to occur. After said detonation occurred, the trio headed inside, seeing the ruins of the Quarians, admiring the beauty of the work.

"_(sigh), It's really gone to hell._" A nearby transmission with Tali's voice and profile said. _"Most of my crew is dead, I'm stuck in a bunker waiting for my death and worst of all… I miss being a squadmate. I sure wish Shepard was here…_"

"Hey, look at that Safe!" Shepard said, starting to hack it.

"_I 'said', I sure wish Shepard was here…_"

"And a weapons locker! Boy, I haven't seen those since the last level…"

"_Shepard!_" Tali cried, finally getting the Commander's attention.

"Oh, Tali! There you are!"

"_More importantly, what are you doing here?_"

"Like I said, Bioware cut a trailer with your name on it. And I ain't leaving without part of my old team."

"_Then you'll have to hurry. Lots of Geth are on my way to my position. You'll have to fight through them._"

The Commander nodded. "Uhh… Tali, just to claify, we can't use the Normandy because…"

"_It would level this old settlement and kill me inside, making all of your efforts to reach me completely null and void._"

"Gotcha! Let's go." Shepard signaled to his team.

"_Shepard, please try to keep Reegar alive. That sonavabitch owes me 500 credits!_"

The crew opened the door, only to find several floating robots disappear into thin air.

"Recon droids!" Shepard cried, taking cover.

"You two give me some cover fire! I'll look for a way around the sunlight!"

Garrus quickly took down three recon droids using his overload skill.

"Ha! Beat that!" The Turian snided, only to have 12 bullets take down 6 recon droids in rapid succession.

"And that is the value of multiple shots." Thane corrected.

"Priorities people!" Shepard cried, leading the group up a set of stairs. The trio quickly eliminated the various geth plaguing them and took shade to what should've been the final resting place.

"Okay…" Shepard sighed. "We've taken out most of the Geth here, so it's only rational that the Geth numbers should be so damaged that there are few to oppose us."

The Commander opened the window, only to find an army of Geth, waiting for them and not limited to: Juggernauts, Shock Troopers, Rocketeers, Snipers and the ever popular Geth with flamethrowers.

"Dammit! Doesn't lampshading ever work in _my_ favor!" He said, only to realize the topping on the proverbial whip cream.

"Colossus!" Garrus screamed, as the three of them ducked towards cover.

"Just like Ol' times, eh Shepard?" Garrus smirked.

"Yeah, except Biotics can't disable that Geth grande. Look, a Quarian… and he's somehow still alive!"

The company took cover, near the Quarian marine. (**A/N:** Stop snickering; Quarians can be soldiers too.)

"Damn. I was hoping for better back-up." Reeger sighed.

"And I was hoping for Alec Baldwin instead, but we all get disappointed one point or another, don't we?"

The Quarian looked offended. "I'll have you know Adam Baldwin is enough of a celebrity to keep me alive. Mostly. Anyway, Tali's stuck in that bunker, and the only way is to defeat that Colossus."

"Lemme take a wild guess; it's going to be hell getting there, isn't it?"

"You got it! The Bridge is clear, but has a lot of sunlight. The middle's full of Geth, and there's lots of opposition towards the left. Also, I'll provide you cover with this missile launcher. Hurry though, because my wound's kinda opening up."

"Umm… maybe you should stay down." Shepard said. "I won't be able to administer medi-gel in time if you get shot."

"No way, it's my turn to be a big hero and by the Admiralty Board's ego, I'm going to do it!"

Just as Reeger was about to launch a missile, Shepard used his Paragon Interrupt powers to stop him.

"Stay down! No NPC's are dying on my watch!"

"Shepard," Garrus said. "Not to be rude, but wouldn't him launching a rocket _help us_ in the long run."

"I am inclined to agree." Thane responded.

"No way, Jose! I'm keeping this guy safe, even if it means 3 Critical Mission failures!"

Garrus opened his mouth in shock. "He's crazy!"

"Let's do this!" Shepard cried, running towards the left. He and his crew fought bravely, quickly and swiftly. In fact, his skills were so fantastic, so powerful, so astounding, that he wiped the rest of the Geth platoon without even going into detail. Long, boring, lengthy detail.

"That's a bit of a cop-out, isn't it?" Shepard said.

(**A/N:** Keep talking smack and I'll write a Male slash fic with you and Garrus.)

Shepard paused. "You wouldn't dare…"

_He stared at the rebel, with a persistent smirk. The Turian was busy greasing his Mantis, cold and hard, worn out from all the bullets it shot out._

"_Don't you ever get tired of playing with that thing?" The Commander said. _

"_I'll admit, it does get a bit boring doing this by myself all the time…" Garrus snickered removing his armor._

"_Perhaps you need to be cleaning other weapons-_

"Stop, stop!" Shepard said. "Alright, alright, alright! You win, just don't go any further!"

"Dammit…" The Turian sighed. "Now my sniper rifle shall forever be known as a phallic symbol."

"Okay, let's get Tali." Shepard said, giving a knock on the door.

"Just a minute…" She said, opening the door at last.

"Shepard, it's great to see you!" The Quarian said. "Thank you for rescuing me. But I feel bad for losing all of those people. All this for data about the damn sun and UV rays."

"That's the weird thing, Tali. If you're people are technical experts, couldn't you have launched a Satellite out of scrap and ask for data input?"

Tali paused for a minute, and gave a defeated sigh.

"Damn Hindsight. Well, at least I'm free to join your crew now."

"Take care…" Reeger said, coming inside.

"Reeger, you made it!" Tali cried.

"Your old main character was as good as you said he was. I'm impressed. Just, be careful out there, alright?"

"I will. Umm… hey, since you're alive…"

"Sorry, I'm kinda broke." Reeger said.

"Damn."

(**A/N:** Shepard has successfully recruited Tali. Will things be the same now that Shepard's working for Cerberus? What will be his next move? And how many female Mass Effect fans will now start writing Mslash with sniper rifles? Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next exciting installment of:

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied!**)


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:** The following is a non-profit based fan parody. All licenses of Mass Effect and its sequels are licensed to the Bioware corporation, EA games and all respective parties. Please support the official release.

(**A/N:** The following fanfiction pokes fun at certain legislative administrations currently in power. In order to appear a fair and moderate reader, this fanfiction will present all administrative parties fairly…by insulting each and every one of them:

Obama sucks.

McCain sucks.

Clinton sucks.

Bush sucks.

Pelosi sucks.

Boehner sucks.

Jefferson sucks.

Adams sucks.

Because the whole two-party system is broken…)

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel the Needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 12**

_The Debriefing room…_

"Welcome aboard the Normandy, Tali'zorah." Jacob said. "We've heard a lot of things about you."

"Save it," The Quarian said. "I don't know what you want, but I do know you tried to blow up our Flotilla. I'm surprised, Shepard. Part of me believed that you were trying to blow up Cerberus from the inside. If that's the case, I'll loan you a grenade."

Shepard sighed. "Look, Tali. I'm not defending Cerberus in any shape or form. But, we're going to need to work together to stop this Collector business. How about you make yourself settled in the ship's engine room?"

"Gladly. I might return the favor of them blowing up one of our ships…" Tali muttered. "Shepard, be careful. Remember all those sidequests involving the Thorian and random husks? Not to mention the fact they made us drive in the Mako?"

Shepard nodded slowly. Just as Tali would've walked towards the doorway, Jacob said one more thing.

"Be sure to introduce yourself to the ship's new AI!" Naturally, this only warranted a cold stare towards Jacob.

Shepard whipped around.

"Sorry," Jacob sighed. "When I get nervous, I spew awkward situations. It's part of my character trait."

Shepard understood and checked his priority list.

**Step 1. Get Laid. Potential LI's. **

**Miranda**

-Dat Ass

-Smart, Intelligent

-Voiced by Yvonne Strahovski

-Dat Ass

**Jack**

-New sexual positions

-Untested boundaries

-Voiced by Courtenay Taylor

-Hidden past?

**Tali**

-Suit fetish

-What's underneath he helmet?

-History

-Forbidden Romance

"Well, I'll figure this out later. First off, talking to my companions!" Shepard declared, entering Thane's room.

"Hello, Thane!"

"Shepard, how my I help you?" The Drell said.

"When we talked before, you used your flashback powers to alter the camera around you…"

Thane smiled. "Drell have perfect memories. We can recall nearly every moment in our lives."

"Every moment?"

"Almost. I suspect if any of us remembered the birthing trauma, we'd never recover from it."

Shepard looks up and flashes back.

_Earth hospital, 20 something years ago…_

"_Congratulations, it's a girl!" _

"_Oh, a girl! Just what we wanted!"_

"_Yes, and- oh wait! Nevermind, he just has a really small penis…_"

"Err… yeah. But, won't you be afraid of getting lost in a bad memory?"

"Yes, the times I've taken bullets has been unpleasant. But I can look at my knee and see it isn't shattered."

Shepard simply looked down and felt a small sense of shame before looking up.

"That's gotta be hard, living with all that guilt."

Thane looked confused. "Guilt? What guilt?"

"You know, for being a murderer and an assassin…"

"But, I didn't kill them; my employers did."

The Commander stared. "I'm sorry, you're going to have to run that by me again. Are you absolving all guilt from your assassinations?"

"I was merely a tool for my employers. You don't blame a gun for killing a person, do you?"

Shepard was baffled by this. "No, I blame you, firing the gun."

"It was a reflex; you can't blame the body for acting on a trained reflex…"

"You do realize the definition of Premeditated murder, right?"

"Drell believe in a body distinct from the soul. We do as our body commands, not our soul…"

"Okay, I'm getting a headache from thinking about all this, so I'm just going to nod my head and think you're right… Anyway, I gotta go. Later!"

"Shepard!" Thane said. "I've enjoyed these talks we've had…"

"You're part of the crew, questionable decision or no. I make good on my relationships."

Shepard took the elevator, seeing Tali working on the engine.

"Hey, Tali!" Shepard said.

"Shepard," Tali noted, stepping away from her console. "It's good to see you again on the Normandy."

"Likewise. You got a minute to talk?"

Tali stared at the two NPC's and signaled Shepard to the long corridor near the giant power supply.

"I dunno. It's good to be working on the ship again, but I miss the familiar faces. I miss Engineer Adams and Navigator Pressley. This, I dunno, should feel the same but I always have this feeling that something's amiss. Shepard, are you sure you trust Cerberus?"

The Main character shrugged. "Not really, but they are helping us. Might as well give them credit for that."

"As well as for the numerous listening bugs I found. Be careful, Shepard. The enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend."

Shepard nodded and turned to the hallway. However, just as he was about to ascend towards the upper levels, he heard large thumping noises from the Cargo Hold. His curiosity notwithstanding, he went to investigate.

"Grunt?" He said to the Krogan, pacing constantly. "What's wrong?"

"Steven Jay Blum, I feel funny. Like, I want to kill something, with my bare hands. Like I want to… I don't know!"

Grunt immediately headbutted and cracked a glass window.

"Great, you know how much those things cost?"

"What's wrong with me? When we're fighting, moving, I feel fine, but here my plates itch, my blood boils and even you are just meat meant to be mauled! I'm also suffering from unwarranted angst, a need to question my authority and I'm breaking out in zits!"

Shepard scratched his head. "Wow, that is unusual for a Krogan."

"Krogans don't have sweat glands!"

Shepard ran out to the hall and spoke from there. "Okay, Grunt. It's obvious you're sick with something, and we don't know what. Have you tried asking Dr. Chakwas or EDI?"

"The machine knows nothing, and the old woman just gave me tissues and some lotion. My kind don't share with others, not after the Genophage. Whoever knows about my illness… has to be on Tuchanka. I won't ask you to go there."

Shepard sighed. "Aw, Grunt!"

"I'm telling you! Set a course to Tuchanka, now!"

The Commander smiled and nodded crazily. "Yes, yes, yes! Whatever you say. Umm… in the meantime, ask if you can borrow some songs from Jack and we'll be in Tuchanka before you know it."

Shepard barely escaped with his life, heading up to the main floor and checking his upgrades. On the way, he looked at Mordin who happened to look worried.

"Mordin, you okay?"

The Salarain shook his head. "Unfortunately, no. Troubling situation. Complicated task. Unable to figure out captor's motives, intentions. Data points must be set up, hypothesis tested. No, no, no!"

The Commander stepped forward and imposed order.

"Dammit, man! You're a doctor, not a word processor. Now, speak clearly!"

"Apologies. Heard news from person important to me. Need to rescue as soon as possible."

Shepard sighed. "Lemme guess. You had a twin brother, but you guys didn't get along."

"No, more akin to-"

"Oh, I see! It's your long lost son you abandoned a long time ago, but want to make amends with."

The Salarian shook his head. "No, wrong character arc. I-"

"Well, who is it? Your ex-girlfriend? Your divorced spouse? Your father who was a big prick to you?"

Mordin shook his head. "No, no, no. Proud to say, have lead a healthy social life. Rather, my assistant, Maelon has been captured by blood pack. Troubling, considering he worked on Genophage cure. Need to hurry to Tuchanka!"

Shepard paused. "Wait, you have a sidequest that _doesn't_ involve any dysfunctional family affairs or the fact that you were victimized in any sort of way. In fact, it almost sounds like an actual, complex arc relevant to the galaxy in which you are responsible for. I- I don't suppose you aren't defending your morally questionable choice even after seeing the results."

"Genophage needed to be modified! Good for us, good for Krogan. No regrets!"

(**A/N:** Cue crew angelic choir singing Hallelujah.)

"Then let's go to Tuchanka!" Shepard cried out.

* * *

_Tuchanka, the Krogan homeworld…_

Shepard, Grunt and Mordin all stepped outside, finding the nuclear torn planet even more inhospitable than previously imagined. The trio looked around, finding a long line of protesters outside saying, "No Work for Aliens."

"The President wants to talk to you." The guard Krogan said.

"I didn't know the Krogan made a Republic." Shepard shrugged.

"We are not so trapped in the dark ages as you might think! Even our species is capable of watching C-Span, Fox News, Glenn Beck and even the self-parodying Stephen Colbert. Now, get your pet Krogan registered before we give him glaring looks about how he's not contributing to the democratic process."

The Commander shrugged, and walked towards a long corridor. However, when he arrived, he was stopped by the Secret service.

"Stop, you must wait. The President is in… talks."

There, he witnessed a rather bored looking Krogan watching his advisor rant while pacing.

"Your reforms will not go unopposed! You may have manipulated the Legislature to change a great many things, but our traditions call for-"

"Shepard!" Wrex said, allowing the human to pass through. The Commander went forth and shook the Krogan's hand.

"My soft human friend!"

"Wrex! The Krogan who thankfully didn't shoot me. I never figured you for the political type."

The President smiled. "It's all thanks to you. The destruction of Saren's base freed us from his manipulation. Plus, it does sway the occasional independent to your cause. Now, I'm running things to make things better for all Krogan. I even had this political poster made of me."

Wrex held up a sign with is picture that only said one thing.

**Cope.**

However, his advisor looked very unhappy. "Your reforms stomp on every tradition the Krogan represent. Your party cannot win!"

Wrex whipped around.

**WREX used Headbutt. It's Super Effective!**

"Yes, we can! Now, shut it Uvenk! We have guests." Wrex snided. "Shepard, last time I saw you, you were as dead as the Vorcha were in the head. What happened?"

"Long story short: I died. Cerberus brought me back to life, and I'm getting a team together to stop the Collectors."

"Interesting. Well, you can get supplies here as well as borrow the Presidential limo to get to your next check point."

"Bah! The Executive is making more room for his friends, as per usual." Uvenk said.

Shepard and company nodded.

"A few more things. Did you by chance see a Salarian caught by the-"

Grunt yelled. "Steven Jay Blum! This 'Alanis Morrissette' makes me angrier than usual! Can I listen to something else?"

"Well, well, well… what do we have here?" Wrex said.

"Oh, this is Grunt. He's the Krogan traveling with me."

Wrex eyed down the super Krogan. "Where are you from whelp? Was your clan destroyed before you could register to vote?"

"I'm not registered to vote. I was tank-bred by warlord Okeer. I was combined by past Presidents: Shiagur, Krudup, and others."

"A tank-bred?" Uvenk said. "This time science has gone too far!"

"Okay, enough with the ethics! Wrex, what's up?"

"Aw, nothing! He's just growing up and doesn't know where to channel all that aggressive energy. What better way than to involve him in something equally infuriating, challenging, and overall disappointing as party politics?"

"This time you go too far, Wrex!" Uvenk said. "Your party may rule, but the minority party will hear of this!"

The Krogan left as Wrex shrugged. "Dumbass. So, Grunt. Ready to a part of the political process?"

"What, we have to fill out some paperwork and wait 2 weeks or something?" Shepard asked.

"Nothing so pointless or boring. You'll get to kill things… with guns! Besides, if he doesn't get this, he'll probably just start wrecking everything again."

Shepard turned to his Krogan companion. "Grunt, what do you want?"

Grunt slowly looked out to the nuclear ruins of his homeworld and thought long and hard before turning around.

"Yes, this is my duty. I will accept this task."

Wrex smiled, "Good boy! Speak with the Shaman and we'll get you registered. You too, Shepard. How many times did you need to get involved with a personal sidequest?"

The Commander sighed. "Far too many times to keep track. Oh, by the way, my Salarian companion is looking for his assistant. Where can I find the… Blood Pack party?"

"Hmm… ornery bastards. Speak with my chief scout if you want to. But, fair warning: Blood Pack's even more pissed off that we are."

"I'll keep that in mind. I don't suppose I could convince you to come aboard for old time's sake?"

The Krogan leader chuckled, "Love to. But I've got to keep these short-sighted dumbasses in line. Take care, Shepard. And if anyone gives you any trouble, give me a call. I'll have their kneecaps broken for you!"

The trio headed upstairs, only to find Uvenk fulfilling his promise and protesting Grunt's participation.

"My party respects the tradition of marriage. Allowing this… test tube abomination goes against all our religious beliefs."

The Shaman sighed. "Is there _anything_ that doesn't go against your religious beliefs? Back in my day, we shot whoever we wanted to and even practiced necrophilia. Nowadays, 'you're stepping on my beliefs'. Anywho, your protests will go unheard Uvenk. The Varren know flesh, no matter the womb or tube."

"I'll speak for myself!" Grunt said.

"So, this is the Krogan you speak of. Nice chin, plates are a nice touch, and a good, strong hump! So Grunt, are you ready to become a citizen?"

"Never!" Uvenk said. "If this outrage must occur, I invoke a denial! My party and I stand against him. He has no one!"

The Shaman sighed. "Well, tough shit. Unless someone stands with grunt, the numbers will outrank him."

Shepard looked around. "Wait, all he needs are numbers? Me and Mordin will go!"

"Hmm… interesting. A human standing up for a Krogan. You have strong influence indeed."

"This… this… alien has no business in political affairs. He is soft, puny, weak while my Krogan are strong, patriotic and-"

While Uvenk was rambling on, Shepard noticed a Renegade Interrupt at the bottom of the screen.

"Oh, what the hell." He shrugged.

**SHEPARD used Headbutt! It's not very effective…**

"Commander," Mordin said. "No injuries?"

"I don't think so…" Shepard said.

**SHEPARD is hit with the recoil!**

"Aww, my forehead!" He winced.

The Commander and Uvenk reeled back from the blow as the Shaman laughed loudly.

"Technique needs a little work, but I like the quads on this one! You could learn something, Uvenk!"

"This… this isn't over!" The Krogan said, shoving Shepard out of the way.

"Well! You showed your nerve back there! That's enough for all of you to go and take the Rite of Citizenship!"

Shepard scratched his head. "Umm… and just what will that entail?"

"Every Krogan must learn the history of Tuchanka in order to become a true citizen. Thus, you will face Tuchanka's native wildlife as well as learn of its glorious history. Who knows? If you're lucky, you'll kill many, many animals! Are you ready?"

Shepard and Grunt nodded.

"Excellent. Follow me, and we'll get you set up!"

* * *

_The Citizenship ring…_

Shepard and co. were escorted to the nuclear wastes of Tuchanka. Grunt moved forward, standing in awe of the destruction that stood around him.

"This is your heritage, Grunt! All the history that Okeer failed to teach you. Learn it well, and you will be a part of something greater!"

The young Krogan turned. "What will I face?"

"Who knows? Just press the keystone and find out!"

As the Shaman left, Shepard shrugged and pressed the keystone. During this, a booming voice filled the outdoor arena and lifted a massive weight.

"_First, the Krogan conquered Tuchanka… and mastered a natural world only we are fit to hold." _

The giant weight fell, causing a tremor. Little before long, Varren started appearing out of corners of the arena.

"Okay, not too bad…" Shepard said, firing upon them. He watched as Mordin and Grunt were taking care of their respective opponents.

"Grunt, are you feeling any better?"

"Not really. Kinda fun, though." The Krogan replied, charging against one Varren.

"Hmm… There must be more stages. Let's finish off this batch and press the keystone again."

After the rest of the Varren were put down, Shepard pressed the keystone once more.

"_Then the Krogan were lifted to the stars to destroy the fears of a galaxy, an enemy that only we could chase to their lair." _

Suddenly, a giant dragon swooped by and laid several babies.

"Crawlers! Come to your death!" Grunt cried out as Shepard backed away slowly.

"Fire, not fire! Anything but firebreathers!" He sighed, shooting at whatever even got close to him.

"Get away, you damn pyromaniacs! Mordin, take a hint!"

"Affirmative!" The Salarian said, using his own incinerate. Grunt, being a Krogan and thus impervious to death, cackled as the beasts blew up close to him. And close to Shepard.

"For the love of God, somebody put me out!" He cried, rolling on the floor.

"Now, this is a challenge!" Grunt said, killing whoever was fool enough to cross his path. After a long skirmish and a education lesson on how to treat 3rd degree burns, the trio went back to the keystone, bracing themselves for whatever came next.

"Well, we faced rabid fish-dogs and firebreathing insects. What could possibly be worse than that?" Shepard sighed.

(**A/N:** Lampshading never gets old, does it?)

"_Now, all Krogan bear the Genophage, our gift, our curse, it is a fight where the only goal is survival. Disclaimer: the Nation of Tuchanka is not liable for loss of life, limb or overall morale. Competitors in the Rite of Citizenship cannot and will not sue on behalf of loved ones due to lack of knowledge. If you have an issue with this, please contact your local attorney at law, pending your survival of the last test._"

The Weight finally crashed down giving an ominous shake throughout the arena.

"Everything's shaking…" Grunt said ominously as several antennae appeared out of nowhere.

Shepard looked at the others and fired several shots at the antennae before it ducked underneath. Before long, its true form reared its head as a massive Thresher Maw appeared before all of them.

"Are you KIDDING me? Run!" Shepard said, barely ducking out of the way of the Thresher's acid attack.

"I am going to kill that Shaman once I get my hands on him. Everyone sit tight. We just have to wait until it goes away."

Mordin spoke up. "Apologies, Commander. However, should be known an achievement is present for this situation."

Shepard paused for a moment. He had to decide whether to preserve his body to ensure humanity's safety or throw caution into the wind, risk his second chance at life just for 20 achievement points. Naturally, he picked the latter.

"Mordin! Incinerate as much as possible! Grunt, switch to the assault rifle! You'll get better range. Let's wrestle us a worm!"

And so, Shepard and company spread as much ammo as they could, using any and all weapons, whittling down the Maw's health. Finally, what seemed to be an eternity of firing, the crew stood victorious, watching the mighty beast fall down.

**20 Gs- Yay, Right to Bear Arms!**

"Hey!" Grunt said. "I think I'm better now. All this senseless killing and violence has… sedated me! Videogames do calm me down!"

"Suck on that, PTA!" Shepard screamed, only to see a shuttle land nearby. The crew looked at each other and headed towards the entrance. Needless to say, the visitors were none other than Uvenk along with his fellow party members.

"Hmm… you survived and killed the Thresher Maw. This is… interesting."

"You want a fight?" Grunt yelled. "Bring it on."

"Hold, just for a moment. I have a proposal. It's true: you are an abomination against all things holy in this world, and you do essentially represent everything we stand against, but… you could be useful. Say that, you've found your way, the righteous path and we can _save_ you. This would give me enough political pull to overthrow Wrex and his reforms."

Shepard simply turned to his Krogan companion.

"Like Hell! I believe I'm good because of my genes, not in spite of them! I believe I have a purpose here, even if my mother is nothing more than a glass tank. But you know what I believe the most? I believe you're full of shit, and I'll just do things to piss you off!"

"Spoken like a true politician!" Shepard exclaimed.

**GRUNT used Headbutt! A critical hit!**

As Uvenk reeled back from that heavy blow, another Krogan launched a rather slow moving rocket at them. Luckily, the group avoided it and presumed to return fire. Normally, Shepard and co. would be facing a grim situation: several Krogan while they possessed little ammo. Of course, considering they had a super Krogan, a Salarian who specialized in setting things on fire and a main character who would regenerate health by simply sitting still, they were pretty much in the green.

Once victorious, the group headed back to the keystone, meeting with the Shaman.

* * *

_Back at the camp…_

The Shaman quickly gave his congratulations.

"You have done well, Grunt. You are now registered under the party Urdnot. You may help with the party effort, raise money through a fundraiser or swear yourself to a battlemaster."

"I swear myself under Steven- I mean, Shepard. He has no equal among the squishy humans."

"Very well. Go out proudly, knowing wherever you go, Clan Urdnot will be with you."

Shepard, Grunt and Mordin returned to Wrex, pleased with the results.

"Well done, Shepard. You not only managed to get me political support, but you also managed to 'accidentally' kill of my political adversary."

"But… we didn't mean to kill off Uvenk. He forced our hand."

The Krogan incumbent chuckled. "Of course he did. Just don't spread it around too much. Can't have rumors destroying my… credibility."

Shepard shrugged and turned to his Krogan companion. "Grunt, you okay with this?"

"Sure am. Now, I have a purpose to be angry."

The Commander nodded. "Good, go back to the ship and tell Tali to meet us by the Tonka truck. We got to find Mordin's assistant."

* * *

_Far off into Clan Weyrloc territory…_

The trio got out of the truck, looking around the barren wasteland. Unfortunately, since the truck wouldn't get them closer to the hospital (gas), the crew had to hoof it some part of the way. As such, the trio were faced with early signs of resistance in the form of Vorcha and Krogan. Luckily, with Tali's skills with tech and Mordin's skills with setting living things on fire, the crew easily mowed they're way inside. However, Shepard stopped by one item before moving on.

"Hey, a combustion manifold. Neat! What does it do?"

"Quest completion, most likely." Mordin said. "Come, need to find Maelon."

The crew entered the building, seeing the vast ruin around them.

"Krogan hospital. Strong. Sturdy. Like Krogan."

"Not to mention as dirty, too." Tali replied.

Just as they headed down the stairs, Mordin noticed a body on the ground.

"Look, human corpse. Should analyze." The Salarian said, scanning the body.

"Found something interesting…" Mordin said.

"Free loot?" Shepard asked.

"No, tumors, sore marks, injection sites and restraints. Human made prisoner. Was forced to take impotency cure."

"Experiments on humans? That kinda horsepucky is what makes Cerberus start to sound like a good idea!" The Commander cried out.

"Start, not become." Tali quoted.

"Never used humans. Disgusting. Unethical. Sloppy. Shows sign of brute-force researchers. Not scientists or thinkers."

Shepard stared at the Salarain. "Calling the kettle black, are we?"

"Assumes pot is black. Never tested on live Krogan. Simple tissue samples for early studies. Tests on Varren or Fauna for more complex studies."

"One more thing," The human said. "How did he die?"

"Erection lasted more than 72 hours. He didn't make it past 75."

"The poor bastard. C'mon, we're not going to let his death mean nothing. Let's go."

The crew continued onward, only to find a room with a balcony. There, they met with a voice, coming through the doors.

"I am the elected speaker for Clan Weyrloc! You, who have slain the kin of our fundraising party, will now answer to us. Leave now and take a message to all Krogan! Clan Weyrloc will rise again!"

Shepard breathed. "Okay, pal. Let's just calm down. I'm sure you're willing to listen to reason."

"Unlikely for Krogan." Mordin said.

"Not now! Anyway, I understand the Krogan have long been suffering from the impotency genophage. But, if you use the cure for your own ends, you'll put the Krogan in a bad light."

The Krogan roared. "You understand nothing, human! You have not felt the frustration of having something powerful robbed from you. To near a climax, only to have it lost. To embrace a female, only to apologize to her afterwards. To-"

"Okay, okay! We get the picture. Just don't start describing things otherwise we'll have to go to Adult ."

The representative laughed. "When the Salarian cures the genophage, we will breed in numbers and our ranks will swell!"

"Appears they found Maelon's work. Unfortunate." Mordin said.

"We shall take the galaxy by the throat. No more elections! No more electoral votes. Our sheer numbers will break the system and…"

As the Krogan rambled on and on and on, Mordin pointed to the nearby gas tank and noted the Renegade Interrupt.

"C'mon! We can take them!" Shepard whined, unwilling to gather Renegade points.

"Then we shall leave the planet, taking our thousands of conquered warships and conquer the Citadel, Earth, Noveria, Illium, Omega, that planet with the blue monkeys…"

"I can do it." Tali said, aiming her shotgun.

"No, you don't! I'm the main character around here and what I say goes!" Shepard said.

"Then, we shall feast on their bodies as Krogan were meant to and rape their wives. But not the ugly ones, because now we can afford to be picky! You see, now we are the ones who deny sex!"

Shepard sighed. "Look, I'm not going to do something just because it's easy, convenient and- Wait, is he still talking?"

"To us, the Krogan shall remain glorious, immortal and strong! We shall-"

"Oh, screw it, then!" Shepard said, taking a shot. Just when the Krogan though he missed, he fired another round, burning the Krogan to a crisp. Soon after, the speaker's allies came flooding through the gates as Shepard and co. worked together to finish them off. When they finished, they journeyed past the gate, only to find the section empty. Mordin checked a nearby terminal, as he checked through the data.

"Hmm. Cure appears stable. Replaces inhibited signals between female interacton and male stimuli. Good."

The Commander stared at Mordin. "Umm… you do realize you're toying with millions of Krogan lives, right? Seems kinda of an odd thing to celebrate, you creating an impotency gene."

"Not developing. Modifying. 1000 times the complexity. Had to be careful. 1 in 1000 target. Couldn't afford mistakes."

Shepard scratched his head. "1 in 1000? So, you tried just as hard _not_ to kill off the Krogan."

"Exactly! Didn't want extinction, execution! Simply wanted to help. Krogan heroes from Rachni wars. Not a punishment, just an adjustment."

"Uh-huh. And you take no credit for Tuchanka's state?"

Mordin shook his head. "Tuchanka result of nuclear winter before Salarians made first contact. Not our fault."

"So, you feel no remorse at all?" Shepard asked.

"Had to be done. Krogan were dangerous then. Dangerous now. Didn't kill them. Have killed many, Shepard. Guns, tech attack, once with farming equipment. But not with medicine!"

Shepard smiled. "Oh, man! This is so complex! Quick, more philosophical discussions by that dead Krogan female!"

As the Commander ran towards it, Mordin whispered to Tali.

"Irrational excitement considering grim topic."

"He gets like that…" Tali said, as they forward through the level. On, their way, they opened the door, seeing a Krogan lying on the floor.

"You! You're one of them, aren't you?"

Mordin whispered to Shepard. "Not Clan Weyrloc. Wrong colors."

"I killed the guards. Make a break for it." Shepard said.

"No! I have to stay. They're a-fixin' the genophage. If I'm here, I can help the cure move along!"

"Shepard," Mordin whispered. "Advise caution. Patient looks… unstable."

"You think? Okay, look. Why do you want them to run tests on you?"

"I'm… too small." The Krogan said, looking ashamed.

"Aw, don't be like that! You're a growing boy. You'll get one or two inches eventually."

"That's not what I meant…" The Krogan said. An uncomfortable silence filled the room as Tali backed away slowly.

"No woman would ever think me as a real man. That's why I'm helping these guys! They say they can add 6 whole inches to me!'

"False advertisement not reviewed by standard health and practices." Mordin said. "Common knowledge."

Thus, Shepard used his CHARM skill to urge the Krogan on.

"C'mon! Size doesn't make the man; action does! Quick lying there like a Quarian with a tummy ache and get back to camp!"

Tali crossed her arms. "For your information, Quarian tummy aches can be moderate to severe!"

"You're right! I'm gonna be a man and go to the female camp! Rawar!" The Krogan screamed heading off.

"Impressive," Mordin said. "Negotiation skills impressive, even among Salarian standards. Must take note."

"_Shepard, there is a large group of Blood Pack just outside the door. I advise extreme caution._' EDI said.

"Okay," he said, hunched down. "This could be rough. This could get really bad. We may have to use 1, maybe 2 medi-gels. Are you ready?"

Tali and Mordin nodded.

"Here we go!"

Shepard and co. blew their way though the guards and killed Uvenk on the way. There were no friendly casualties.

"Well, now for the big moment." Shepard said. The trio opened the door, only to see Maelon working diligently on the project.

"Maelon. Alive, unharmed. Don't…. understand."

Maelon shook his head. "For such a smart man, Professor, you always had trouble seeing what was right in front of you!"

"Oh, look! The trusted NPC turns out to be working against our best interest. What a surprise." Shepard said, commenting this was the 3rd time it happened to him.

"No! Whole project agreed; genophage was necessary!"

The assistant cried back. "I was your student! How was I supposed to argue with the great Professor Solus?"

"Experiments, Torture, Lies, Excecution, Erections that won't go away! Your doing?" Mordin asked.

"My methods may be harsh, but I will undo the genophage! Krogan deserve to have large, full erections as the rest of us! The Krogan will be reborn and the galaxy will be a better place!"

Shepard turned to Maelon. "The impotency genophage may be… harsh, but is it really worth all this extreme measures."

"Mordin used extreme methods, and he's happy with it! I use them, and suddenly I'm a monster! Double standards, for one."

"No! Never taught you this Maelon. Would never torture anyone like this!"

Shepard nodded. "Okay, what about the Krogan? The genophage isn't 100 percent and they are still dangerous."

"Yeah right! The living Krogan die over fertile females and the galaxy isn't safer a place."

The Commander sighed. "Dammit. I knew I should've never quit the debate team. Okay, look. This ends now!"

"Ending more than one thing…" Mordin said.

Maelon, shocked, pulls out a gun and aims it randomly instead of logically shooting it. Mordin gives a solid punch and knocks him back to the glass.

"Experiments performed. Won't change. No choice… have to kill you."

Shepard suddenly used his Paragon Interrupt to prevent this.

"Mordin, wait! You're a doctor. You heal people, but not take lives." He paused for a moment.

"Unless attacked viciously, but still! Let him go."

Mordin paused and sighed. "You-you're right. Leave Maelon. Will tell STG to seal data. Never want to see you again. Unless in third game."

"Stop the genophage, professor! You know it's right!" Maelon said, leaving.

"Apologies, Commander. Misunderstood mission parameters."

"To be fair, the twist was hidden better than the last ones. Done here?"

"One thing remains: Maelon's impotency cure. Could erase. Could recreate, but then, could've always recreated it. Uncertain of effects on Krogan, effects on galaxy. Too many variables. Too many variables!"

Shepard paused for a moment.

"Wow. This is a really tough decision."

"Is it?" Mordin asked.

"No, because Bioware copped out at the last minute and made saving the cure a Paragon act. But still, Mordin you do regret doing all this, right?"

"…Somewhat."

"Then let's keep it, for now."

"Done. Saving to USB drive. All finished. Ready to go somewhere else. Perhaps, somewhere sunny."

Shepard nodded and signaled for the ship.

Tali asked. "Did you just bring me here for that Quarian crack?"

"Hush, Tali."

(**A/N:** Will Grunt be satisfied as a citizen of Tuchanka? Will Mordin put his past to rest? Can Shepard manage to avoid the wrath of the Illusive Man? Find out the answers to all these questions and more in the next exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied!"


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** Hey, guys. I just like to take this moment and say thank you for your support. However, my schedule's kinda tight and I do have other projects I want to work on. So for the time being, I'm putting this fanficiton ON HIATUS.

Don't worry, though. I've got another fanfiction lined up that I need time to develop.

Here's a hint:

Mirror, Mirror on the wall.

Who's the fairest red-head of them all?

So, subscribe to those **Author Alerts**, and I'll see you soon!

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied **

**Chapter 13**

Shepard, wearing a layer of padding underneath and holstering a cannon pistol, checked in on Grunt.

"Shepard!" The Krogan said, hugging and swirling the human around. "Glad to see you! How you've been?"

The Commander scratched his head. "I was about to ask you that, but you seem to be in good spirits."

"Urdnot Grunt! I like the sound of that. Killing all those beasts cleared my blood. And Uvenk! I wanted to rip him to shreds, but not just physically. And it's all thanks to you, Shepard! I'm not some… wild beast, only living for the thrills. I'm a member of the voting party now. Now, I have a reason to be pissed and it's because of those damn conservatives! Now, there's a reason for my anger."

Shepard felt a wee bit uncomfortable. "Umm… I thought this was all to calm you down."

"I am! But, with my head cleared up, I can think of new ways of killing those Collectors! Anyway, thank you, Battlemaster! I shall be ready when the time comes."

"Good boy, Grunt!" Shepard said, silently thanking the higher powers he wasn't crushed to bits. He then decided to check up on Mordin, working diligently in his laboratory.

"So disappointed about Maelon! Thought I knew him better than that. Proud of his nerve though. Though he was always a bit of a shut-in."

The Commander was baffled. "Shouldn't you be a bit more… traumatized by this?"

"No. Well, not anymore. Mostly resolved feelings on shuttle back. Greatly distressed. Went through stages of grief, denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. Salarians process emotions faster than humans. Have to. Make up for being short-lived species."

"What about the genophage cure?" Shepard asked.

"Impotency cure? Right over there. Will look at it later. But still, thank you Commander. Mind is free to create and research. In fact,"

Mordin then used his body to pull out the biggest gun Shepard saw. "Used free time to create this!"

"What the hell is that?" Shepard asked.

"Called it, "M-920 Cain". Unleashes miniature nuclear blast within vicinity, killing most opponents with a single shot."

"Wait, wouldn't I be caught in the blast, too?"

"If aimed to close, most certainly"

"…Nice. I'm going to try this out, just before-"

Shepard paused, realizing that something or someone ominous just laid beyond the door.

"Umm… Mordin. Did you happen to have any… laxatives on you?"

The Salarian looked up. "Yes, but why? Constipated?"

"No, but I know a certain Yeoman who is…"

* * *

_Later that day, in the CIC…_

Shepard is crouched down with a (Hidden) status on top of his dashboard. He was afraid when his status changed to (Detected) but sighed, seeing only Jacob nearby.

"Commander, what are you-"

Shepard gave a visible shush and told him to bend down.

"Mr. Taylor, as you and I both know, the Illusive Man wishes to see me. However, I feel I must protest, seeing that I need to do more missions to upgrade a variety of things."

"Commander, you did make all the decisions on how to spend our time…" Jacob said.

"I just need one more mission to… gain a level. Anyway, I've introduced a potent laxative into Yeoman Chamber's drink which should be activating in 3…2…1…"

A loud squeak came from outside as several footsteps made it towards the elevator. Shepard, then rushed toward the console, hit the galaxy map when…

"_Change of plans, Commander. The Illusive Man wants to see you inside._"

"Godammit!" Shepard cried, shuffling his feet toward the Debriefing room.

"Shepard, we've caught a break." The Illusive Man said, lighting a cigarette. "One of our scouts received word about a disabled Collector vessel. The Turians disabled it, and you need to head out there before it's reported."

"Can I have a moment to upgrade-"

"No." He said sternly.

"How did the Turians disable the ship?" Shepard asked.

"Huh?"

"You said they disabled it. How?"

"Oh… um… they hit it with an… ion blast! That's it. They're disabled."

The Commander scratched his head. "Whatever you say, Mr. House."

The Illusive man was not pleased. "I don't pay you to smart mouth at me, Shepard."

"You don't pay me at all!"

"Exactly! Now go and investigate and this is definitely not a trap!" He said, cutting transmission.

Shepard shrugged and began to suit up.

* * *

_The 'abandoned' Collector ship…_

Shepard, bringing along Thane and Miranda headed inside the ship.

"Okay, let's review: Miranda, you're here because of your squad health bonus. Thane, you're here because you have Warp and don't die every 10 seconds like Miranda. We go in, examine Collector technology, and get out. Questions?"

Thane raised his hand.

"I find it quite odd that Ms. Lawson only has to wear a mouth guard.

Shepard looked at Miranda, her wavy hair in one place and her eyes not the least irritable from dehydration.

"How are you doing that?" The Commander asked.

"It's the future and we're in space."

"But wouldn't that-"

"_It's the future and we're in space!_" Miranda said sternly.

"Fine. I'll accept that particular plothole. Right now, let's go forward."

The crew went forward, only to find a rotting pile of what could only be assumed as churned up bodies.

"My god! That's… completely unprofessional." Miranda said.

"May these poor souls find their way into the sea…" Thane said.

"Whatever the Collectors are doing, we end this now!" Shepard said, signaling to go forward. On their way, the crew passed by several pods, until they came across some chasm with even more pods.

"How many do you think are full?" Miranda asked.

"Too many."

The Cerberus Operative paused and glared at Shepard.

"What?'

"_Too many?_ You complain about my lines, when yours are just as bad?"

Shepard whipped around. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to put you on. At least my line was somewhat reactionary and natural. Let's have a look at some of your 'gems' shall we?"

The Commander took out the Mass Effect 2 script and began turning pages.

"_I'm going to miss you, Niket. So to speak. Looks down at Wilson's dead body. Not anymore. _Oh, here's a lovely one: _Or two, in your case._ Honestly, that line was only meant to be said in the situation where I mentioned lifetimes!"

"Commander, we must keep moving…" Thane said.

"Right." He said, signaling the rest to follow him.

"_Commander, check this out. I asked EDI to run a diagnostic about the Collector ship, and you'll never guess what I found. This ship was the same ship that attacked Horizon and the Normandy from 2 years ago!_"

"The same ship hunting me for 2 years? That can't be a coincidence…"

"_Watch your back, Commander. I get the feeling soemthing's wrong…_"

The trio continued forward only to find an entire space full of pods.

"My god," Miranda said. "They could abduct every human in the Alliance and not have enough to fill these pods."

Thane nodded. "Then, there is only one destination left…"

"China." Shepard said, only to have people stare at him.

"What? It's not a race thing; they are a lot of people in China."

"Don't you think Earth might be a more viable option, Commander?" Miranda stated.

"Oh yeah… In that case, we should hurry and find that Collector technology."

Shepard finally reached a platform with a glowing button on it.

"_Shepard, there is a platform ahead that will allow you to access the rest of the base. Push it and I will lead you forward."_

"Has it occurred to anyone else that there are no bodies present?" Thane said.

"I'm merely observing for a ship recently attacked, it looks… relatively unharmed."

"Okay… well, at least we know it's not a trap." Shepard said pushing a button. Almost immediately, the platform began to move as several hidden chambers were released. Shepard looked around, only to find more Collectors and individual platforms gushing through the works. The Commander took cover and radioed Joker.

"Joker, what's going on!"

"_The whole system's down! There are Collectors coming your way!"_

EDI responded. "_I will attempt to hack through the system. Meanwhile, hold your position…_"

Shepard winced. "She said, what I think she said, right?"

The other two nodded and took cover.

"Okay, stay in cover, shoot out when necessary and we'll-" Shepard was interrupted when Miranda pointed to a foreign object.

"Look! It's… It's…"

"**Scions on Moving Platforms!**" Shepard screamed, firing incessantly at the object. However, it was to no avail, as the Scion instantly killed both Thane and Miranda with one blow.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Shepard screamed, reviving the two with medi-gel.

"Okay, let's take this calmly and coolly and- Don't move out of cover!"

Sadly, the ignorant companions disobeyed direct orders from him because it's only naturally that once KO'd **you refuse to listen the orders given by your Commander, because apparently the situation has changed so drastically, it calls for a complete refusal of the command script!**

Anywho, thanks to Main Character persistence, Shepard made it out alive with his companions waking up.

"EDI, you there?"

"_I am. I have finished downloading the information._"

"For cryin' out loud! What's your OS, Microsoft?"

"_For your information, my predecessor was a Microsoft. However, I have more urgent concerns. The signal from the ship contains an error, identifying it as a non-Turian signal. The Illusive Man wrote protocols detecting any sort of deception._"

"Umm… say that again?" Shepard said.

"_He sent you into a trap._"

"That sonovabitch!" Shepard screamed. "When I get my hands on him…"

"No!" Miranda said. "He wouldn't do that! There… there has to be some explanation!"

"Oh, like selling us to the Collectors to buy a new yacht? There's a reason, right there! Try to pull a fast one over me, will he? I'm getting out of here and giving him a piece of my mind, I tell you what!"

EDI provided assistance by opening the door, revealing one medi-gel.

"Just one medi-gel. Great. So, who's going to take it?"

Thane and Miranda stared at each other, fiercely.

Miranda began. "Well, obviously, I should have the last Medi-gel, because I'm second-in-command and my fragility puts me at risk."

"I agree." Thane responded.

"Wait, what?" Miranda said.

"Ms. Lawson is correct. Her life takes priority over mine. I am but a tool for you, Shepard. If I must sacrifice my life for your mission, I shall do so."

"Wow!" Shepard said. "That's really selfless and thoughtful of you, Thane! See, Miranda? You should learn to be more thoughtful like Thane."

The Commander left, with Miranda glaring at Thane.

"You used reverse psychology, didn't you?"

"…Perhaps." The Drell said, leaving quickly.

The trio moved on, eliminating the Collectors in front of them. EDI continued to provide assistance by opening doors in the ship. However, things went urgent as they went into an open room and found yet another Praetorian.

"Eat hot laser, you sonvabitch!" Shepard screamed, pointing the laser directly at the giant beetle.

"Okay, I have to hold this laser. Meanwhile, you two hold off the rest of the invaders and-"

"Shepard, Help!" Miranda said.

"Or, I could stop my attack and bail you out, like always. Yeah, why not?" Shepard said, killing off the insignificant enemies while trying to concentrate on the mini-boss.

"Quick, hit him with a double Warp!"

The two did so, finally defeating the Praetorian and advancing towards the level. They celebrated their victory, only to realize they were thick in Collector territory with Harbinger rearing his ugly head and a Scion in the background.

"Okay, maybe this won't be so bad." Shepard said. "We just have to concentrate and-"

**Critical Mission Failure. **

The game reloaded with them in the same place.

"I swear, that was purely coincidental. We should-"

**Critical Mission Failure.**

"Okay, enough! Stop repeating the same tired gag so we can get through the level! Just… I dunno, transition it or something!"

4 **Critical Mission Failure**s later…

Shepard sighed. "Thank you! Now, let's get out of here!"

"Look!" Thane said. "The location where we started."

"We must be getting close to the end." Miranda said.

"Good, there's nothing between us and sweet freedo-"

The Commander choked on his words, only to see several Husks blocking the way out.

**Critical-**

"Don't you dare!" Shepard said.

**Crit-**

"No!"

…Thane and Miranda fainted.

"Oh, screw you!" Shepard said, taking out his Collector laser and eliminating all of the Husks before running towards and thus reviving his fallen squadmates.

"EDI, get us out of here!" Joker cried, with Shepard and co. on the Normandy.

"_Specify Destination._" EDI said.

"Anywhere but here!" Joker said.

"_Confirmed. Heading towards Purgatory prison in 3…2…"_

"No, no, no! Head towards the Citadel!" Shepard said.

"_Please try to specify clearer next time. Activating Mass Effect Drive…_"

And thus, the Normandy escaped the clutches of the Collector vessel.

* * *

_Hours of grumbling later…_

"Commander, I got a report from the Illusive Man. I bet you have some words for him, too." Joker said through the PA.

Shepard went through the Debriefing room, seeing the Illusive Man taking a drag on his cigarette.

"Shepard, good work on the ship! We got some valuable information in that-"

He stopped, seeing a hologram of a pot being thrown at him.

"…I take it you're still upset about that little surprise."

"Little! You damn near sold me out to the Collectors, you sonovabitch!"

The Illusive Man shook his head. "You needed the element of surprise. I sent you there to collect data, but I couldn't let the Collectors know they had the advantage. Besides, I had complete faith in you that you would survive."

"I died 6 times in there! Do you know how much medi-gel I wasted?"

"Look, if you want to get to the Collector base, then you're going to have to trust me, understand?"

Shepard grumbled. "What now?"

"EDI confirmed our suspicions. The Collectors use an advanced plot device called an IFF, or Identify Friend/Foe system. Without it, you won't be able to get to the Collector base."

"Oh good… I was just in a Collector ship _in which I could've gotten the damn thing!_"

The Illusive man shook his head. "No, you wouldn't have had enough time. Besides, we found another Reaper which uses the exact same technology. Just a fair warning, we lost contact with our reconnaissance team."

"Great. More good news. Can I at least take my time before getting this item?"

"Yes. Our partnership relies on some leeway. Get this item, and you'll be on your way. In the meantime, I suggest you tell your crew that I didn't betray them."

The boss cut transmission as Shepard sighed.

"EDI! Assemble the minions! And when I say minions, I'm referring to the main characters."

And so, Miranda, Jacob and Mordin gathered in the Debriefing room.

"So that's the story…"

"Lied to us, used us, but agreed with methods." Mordin said.

"If I see that man in person, I'll punch him in the nose…"

"_I have also confirmed the location of the Collector Base…_"

EDI put up a screen, only to have the cursor scroll toward the center of the map.

"That can't be right…" Miranda said. "The core is nothing but suns and blackholes."

"Explains why no one's survived the Omega-4 relay." Shepard said. "We have to get that IFF."

"Let's get it now, make things simple." Jacob said.

"We don't know the consequences; we should build up the team, first." Miranda said.

"We should, shouldn't we? Okay, let's put this on hold for now and do some character sidequests. Then, we'll get the IFF."

Jacob shrugged. "Your call, Commander. We'll be here if you need it."

(**A/N:** After surviving a run-in with the Collectors, Shepard decides to build up his team! Who's loyalty can he get as well as maintain? Will the Collectors strike again? Does anyone even read this fanfiction? Seriously, I'm getting the cold shoulder here!

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied!")


	14. Chapter 14

**Cerberus TV presents an all new season of your favorite show: Big Brother: Bioware Edition! It's Bros vs. Bras as members from all over the gaming community join in at a chance to win one million big ones! Let's listen in on another episode in the life!**

_After a humiliating defeat at the hands of the male team, the female team discusses their loss, by blaming each other._

"Yo, Miranda!" Jack says, after a long day. "You told me to take my time on that puzzle, but we ended up losing because of it!"

**Jack, ex-convicted Biotic**: "Yeah, I blew up on Miranda. I'm surprised no one else did! She's such a stuck up bitch with the way she bosses everyone around. Fucking sick of that bitch."

"Well, maybe if someone read up on the 1001 gameshow puzzles, we wouldn't be in this mess."

**Miranda, Cerberus Operative: "**I'll admit I was harsh on Jack. But for good reason; her actions and her additude are costing this team!"

"Like I'm gonna waste my time, when I know what you're trying to say! Say it; you think I'm dumb, don't you?"

"Well, if the shoe fits…" Miranda said, as Jack's temper was growing.

**Liliana, Ex-Orlesian Bard: "**Lady Cecile always told me it is best to let feuding noblemen settle disputes for themselves. Of course, the Chantry does say not to turn a blind eye to those in need. Then again, I have a strong suspicion Miranda took my bow without using it."

"Oh yeah! Well, at least I ain't some test tube bitch bred by her rich daddy and left because '_it got too hard'!_"

"I strongly suggest you mind your words, otherwise you may not finish what you started." Miranda said.

**Lily, Nightkin Grandmother:** "Now, naughty children shouldn't act up! I had just about nerve to spank them. Of course, Leo would've rather I'd slice them to bits but I told him, 'No, Leo. Bad Leo!'

"Enough!" The robed elder said, forcing them on the ground telekinetically.

"Have you no sense of compromise? Tolerance? The true test has barely begun and you are already at each other's throats. There can be no room for dissention among us, and I will not let petty disputes get out of hand!"

"Back off, bitch!" Jack screamed. "I… I don't have to listen to you or anyone else!"

"Let me go, this instant!" Miranda groaned.

"Fine, if neither of you will listen to submit peacefully, perhaps I will give the other leverage to use against you. Let us dig a little deeper, shall we?"

Both Biotics screamed as the robed woman dug deep into their psyche, their innermost private thoughts.

"You, pawn of Cerberus. You are a sad thing; strong enough to free yourself from the shackles of your father only to swear yourself to another master. Loyalty is only effective as a means to higher yourself, not your master. Perhaps we should reveal about your inability. For all the gifts you have, you are unable to-"

"Stop, stop! Please, I'll… comply…" Miranda said, sweat forming around her face.

"And you, child. You are chaotic, crass, yet powerful. You could've been so much more than a common thug. However, he came and changed you didn't he? His death, rather than finding anger and resilience from it, came to cripple you. Shall I show that image? Repeat his last words so they never cease to echo in your mind?"

"I…I'll fucking kill you, you old bitch!" Jack cried out, only to be released from her prison.

"Do as you will in the future, but for now, we need each other. When we are no longer united, then we shall dispose of each other. For now, let us rest and plan for tomorrow, for this will be a long journey indeed."

**Kreia, Jedi Master(?): **"Machines. Their fascination with such things dead to the Force eludes me." With a raise of her hand, the camera suddenly goes out.

_Next time, Justice comes into the Big Brother house, and no, we're not talking about the concept!_

"I say, 'tis only fair if one uses the toothpaste, they have enough sense to put it back on!"

(**A/N:** I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!)

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 14**

_The CIC…_

Shepard looked at his Dossiers, figuring out what to do before getting the IFF. He stumbled onto Kelly.

"You had me so worried there. The Illusive Man put EDI on this mission for a reason; now I know why."

Shepard scratched his head. "Yeah. Though, we may need to do a Disc clean-up to make her hardware faster."

"Oh, Commander! I don't know what we'd do without you-"

"Kelly!" The Commander said. "What did we say about Commander Shepard's personal space?"

"Do not invade Commander Shepard's personal space without permission. Always assume you do not have permission."

"Good girl. Now, the only one left here is the Asari Justicar. Joker! Set a course for Illium and let's add one more to our dysfunctional family."

_Illium…_

The Commander picked his two squadmates and headed out. However, he failed to realize how the two of them continued to stare at each other, and not in the fashion of femslash.

"What the fuck is this bitch doing here?" Jack said, pointing to Miranda.

"Look, we're going after a Biotic, and I'm not 100 percent sure she's coming quietly. Besides, I thought this'd be a great moment to build team synergy."

Miranda stared at Jack. "I highly doubt that."

"You got that fucking right." Jack sighed. Just as the company was about to advance, they met an Asari, crying her heart out.

"You don't understand!" She sobbed. "It's an irreplaceable heirloom that I lost near the transport terminal! What am I going to do?"

Shepard looked at his companions oddly and tapped the woman on the shoulder.

"Umm… Ma'am? I think I have something that belongs to you…" He said, handing her the locket.

"You found it! Oh, thank you. It was a gift from my mate."

"No problem! It was there and I happened to pick it up."

The Asari bowed in humilty and went back to her normal NPC position.

"That was random…" Miranda commented.

"What? The fact that we found the necklace while looking for you sister or the fact there was an Asari crying out audibly about her lost possession?"

"Both really." The trio continued along to find themselves at the other end of the spaceport. Along the way, they met up with a Green Asari.

"Shepard? Is that you?" The NPC said.

"Shiala? Hey, you were that Asari on Feros!" Shepard cried out.

"Precisely. Thanks to you, Zhu's hope has been doing well. However, we have been suffering medical complications after the Thorian and the company is performing invasive medical procedures. We'd complain, but she's holding us to a contract."

"Wait… were you always green?" Shepard said.

"This is one of the medical problems from the Thorian…"

Shepard and co. simply stared at each other.

"Shit," Jack said. 'That is bad."

"Which is why I need you to go and talk to the Asari about the contract. Please, it would really help us out at Zhu's hope."

The Commander shrugged. "Well, considering I went through puking zombies and a giant telepathic plant for them, why not?"

The crew quickly went over to the Asari, who glared at them coldly. "I saw you talking to that Asari. Filthy alien! I have no need for you or your kind!"

Shepard coughed. "Umm… maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Hi, I'm Shepard."

"No! I will have nothing to do with humans or any non-Asari! To me you are nothing! Nothing!"

The main character sighed. "This seems personal. Are you alright?"

"No! My Quarian mate is dead and my two beautiful children died during the attack on the Citadel! One worked at the Consort's, while the other worked at the embassy!"

"You mean the Asari who told me wait 3 months and the other one who stood there and looked pretty?"

The Asari glared at Shepard.

"Sorry, force of habit. But, your kids, even your mate worked with humans, right? Can't you?"

The Asari cried tears and nodded her head. "I…I'll make arrangements. Tell your Asari everything will be taken care of."

Shepard turned to his two companions. "See how simple things are when you just take the time to help people?"

The two females rolled their eyes as Shepard returned to Shiala.

"Thank you, Shepard! You have no idea how much of a relief this will be to the colonists. We would've had to pay 50 more credits each if we broke the contract."

"No problem at all. Make sure to say hi to Lizbeth and her mother." Shepard said.

"Umm… one more thing. If you're not doing anything in the sequel…" Shiala said, rubbing her hand on Shepard's bicep. "Call me."

As she left, the Commander could only say one thing.

"Score!" He cried before collecting himself and going towards the Tracking officer.

"Officer Dara?" He asked.

"What do you want human? And if you even give me so much as a wink, I'll get the best lawyer in Illium to throw the book at-"

He stopped her. "Actually, I was sent by Liara to find Samara, the Justicar. Have you seen her?"

She looked up. "Her? Yeah, but I don't know why. She's on a case and if I were you, wouldn't go 500 meters near it."

"Unfortunately, that's not an option. What's wrong?"

Dara shrugged. "She's investigating some murder, or… whatever. Frankly, I'm more worried she'll start some sort of incident."

"What do you mean?" The Commander scratched his head.

"Justicars follow The Code. It gives them permission to kill with lethal force. She can kill an entire tribe, children and even the occasional litterer. We, Asari, won't question if a Justicar kills one of our own, but if she kills someone outside our species, things could get messy."

Shepard scratched his head. "So… change The Code telling her 'not' to kill anyone outside our species."

"It's not that simple! The Code is an ancient tradition going back to our earliest years as a civilization. Changing it would be stomping on those traditions that define us as Asari."

He nodded. "Yeah, we have something like that too. It's called the Constitution. See how much of the original is still left behind."

(**Disclaimer:** The political/religious views of Commander Shepard do not necessarily reflect those of the author.)

"God, the author's such a sell-out."

(**A/N:** Shut up!)

"Whatever. Just give us the directions and we'll be on our way."

Officer Dana pointed towards the terminal and the trio headed off.

* * *

_Illium Spaceport_

_Illium,_

_Saturday, July 23__rd__. 11:01 AM_

Shepard and co. landed down, only to find themselves in a rather exposition thick scene.

"Where do you think you're going, Pitne For?"

The Volus with his entourage looked back and responded. "Your case has turned up nothing, Detective Anaya. My partner is dead and there shouldn't be anything holding me back from leaving."

"That may be so, but you're still under heavy suspicion. You aren't to leave this port until I give the all clear, you got it?"

Pitne For sighed. "If you insist."

Shepard and his friends turned to each other. "Don't you just love it when you walk in on a scene and everything's explained to you without all that needless background or research?"

"We should still talk to the detective. She'll let us into the crimescene." Miranda said.

The company walked forward to the police station.

_Illium 23__rd__ Precinct_

_Illium,_

_Saturday, July 23__rd__. 11:04 AM_

"What the fuck; did we just transition again into the police station?" Jack said.

"Hey, you pay 1000 credits for this transition machine and not use it. Besides, this is a cop drama. That makes it appropriate."

Detective Anaya looked up. "Nice guns, try not to use them in my district."

"No promises. I was wondering if you could help me find a Jusitcar, Samara?"

"Samara? Then you came at just the right time. Yeah, she's been investigating the crimescene. Only, it's not about the murder but rather the relation with the Eclipse mercs. She's looking for a ship name, not sure of all the details…"

"That's fine." The Commander said. "I just need to talk to her and recruit her for a mission."

"Work fast, because my superiors want me to arrest her. However, doing so will most likely get me killed."

"Why would you follow your superior's orders if they mean your life?"

Just as Miranda and Jack were about to say something smarmy, Shepard stopped them at their tracks.

"Don't you two dare say anything!"

The two became silent.

"Look, can I just find the Justicar and give her my invitation to my suicide mission?"

"Certain death for a noble goal? Justicars can't resist that. Good luck." Anaya said as the trio headed out.

_Illium Crime Scene_

_Illium,_

_Saturday, July 23__rd__. 11:08 AM_

"That does it!" Jack cried. "Give me that thing; I'm going to beat the shit out of it!"

"No!" Shepard said, holding his transition machine. "The warranty's no good if you destroy it!"

"Even better!" She cried, attempting to reach it.

"Commander?" Miranda stated, gesturing to the police officers.

"Where's the Justicar? I need to speak with her."

The officer nodded. "She's probably in the alleys. Careful, though. Eclipse Mercs are stationed around here."

The Commander paused. "Wait… Eclipse Mercs are near the crime scene and you haven't stopped them?"

"Well, what can we do? Their Headquarters are stationed right there!" The Guard said, pointing to a nearby building.

"So, arrest them!" Shepard cried.

"Are you kidding me? We're just 2 cops and an Asari who follows suicidal orders. Guess what our odds are!"

"Alright, alright! C'mon, we've gotta fix this broken district." The crew said. As per usual, Shepard and company found several Eclipse mercs and took them out cleanly, save for the ones who's brain matter spilled out. The group continued along only to walk into a cutscene where a risqué dressed Asari threw several Eclipse mercenaries to the ground. She floated gently, walking seductively over one, injured and near death.

"Damn you, Justicar!" She screamed, unable to move.

"Tell me the ship's name. That is all I ask." The Asari said.

"You think I'm afraid of you? I'd just be dead from the other Eclipse!"

Samara placed her heel on the Eclipse mercenary's throat.

"Fine peace in the Embrace of the Goddess." She said, twisting her heel.

"Wow, that Asari looks worse for wear…" Miranda commented. However, Shepard handed her a pair of sunglasses.

"Do it." He said.

"I thought you didn't like one liners…"

"We're in probably the last place for a crime scene investigation, and there's a perfectly good pun around the corner and _you don't want to do it?_"

The Cerberus Operative hesitated. "Is this necessary?"

"Do this, and I will forgive all bad lines, here and now." Shepard said.

Miranda sighed. "Oh, alright…"

She walked over to the alien corpse.

"It looks like this Asari's…"

She puts on the sunglasses.

"All black and blue!"

(**A/N: YEAAAAAAAAAAH!**)

The trio confronted the beautiful and buxom Samara as she strolled around them.

"I see three armed guests around me, yet no firing. Are we friend or foe?"

"Wow…" Shepard said, continually staring at her features. Luckily, Miranda dug her nails into his scalp and dragged them to eye contact level.

"Sorry. Name's Shepard. Friend. Did you really have to kill that merc?"

"Have you not taken a life before?" Samara asked.

"Well… that's different. People were shooting at me. I never fired on an NPC. Okay, once, but it didn't count!"

"My Code tells me to kill the unjust. And this one, was unjust."

Shepard sighed. "Okay, let's get down to business. Collectors are abducting human colonists so I need a team to invade the Omega-4 Relay and destroy the base."

"I'll do it." She said.

"Finally, a mission without a catch-"

"Just after I find the name of the ship of a fugitive I'm after."

"Dammit!" He cursed, unsure how to handle matters.

"I wish you'd go with the Spectre, Justicar." Detective Anaya said. "I've got orders to bring you in."

"Detective, my investigation comes first. However, my Code allows me to hesitate for one day, by then, I must resume my investigation."

"I can't allow that…" The Detective said, bluntly.

"Then, I will have to kill you, unless _you_ would be willing to take on this task, Shepard."

The Commander paused for a moment. "So… let me get this straight. You, Detective, are unwilling to disobey orders or ignore them for a set period because your superiors did not write a loophole excluding Justicars or because you refuse to do anything outside of suicidal actions."

He then turned to Samara, "While you are willing to follow an ancient code what allows you to kill anybody that gets in your way with little to no variation on dubious morality when you could just easily let go of your investigation or _not kill_ the detective, am I right?"

The Justicar nodded.

"So, we're put into this predictament where I have to do all the work just because no one is willing to amend the rules?"

"Correct."

"Pretty much."

Shepard held his head. "Okay, this planet has more problems than even I could fix. Fine, where should I begin my investigation?"

"Ask Pitne For. The Volus has some information and sold a strange shipment to the Eclipse. I am ready to go, Detective." Samara said, leaving.

* * *

_Illium Spaceport_

_Illium _

_Saturday, July 23__rd__. 11:31 AM_

"There was already a break in the writing!" Miranda shouted. "Was there any need to transition, again?"

"Yes!" Shepard said, approaching the suspect. "Act cool."

Pitne For turned around to face the trio. "Good afternoon, Earth clan. Isn't this a fine day to… obey the law and such-"

"Cut the bullpucky, we know you dealt to the Eclipse." Shepard blurted out.

"Subtle…" Miranda commented.

"Umm… I have no idea what you're talking about. I would never deliver anything… harmful to the fine members of the Eclipse."

"Okay, I guess you won't feel too bad if I were to accidentally slip your name to a couple of them."

The Volus sighed. "Alright, you got me. What do you want to know."

"A criminal was smuggled out of here. Can you give me a ship name?"

The Volus hesitated. "That I cannot do. You see, with my various dealings with the Eclipse I didn't pay attention to any surroundings. But, I do have a keycard, right here."

Shepard ominously cracked his knuckles.

"…Which you could have right now. I should warn you, each sister of the Eclipse earns a kill to gain their armor. Be warned."

"I'll keep that in mind." Shepard said, heading off to the mercenary base.

"Oh, and one more thing. The chemicals I may have given the Eclipse have a very… unusual effect on biotics."

"How so?"

"The more exposure you are to the chemical, the more powerful your biotics. Of course, you also stand a great chance of overloading your immune system…"

Shepard rolled his eyes. "Oh, this may be a long mission."

_Eclipse Hideout_

_Illium_

_Saturday, July-_

"**Give me that fucking thing!" **Jack cried, ripping it from Shepard's hands and throwing on the floor smashing it. The Commander screamed, shocked by the horror of this sight.

"Miranda! Do something!" He begged.

"Sorry, can't hear you. Doing… companion activities." Miranda said sheepishly.

It was about the 5th time that Jack had stomped on the machine that the Commander had given up hope about ever seeing it again.

"Well… I hope you're happy…" He sobbed. "Let's just get on with our cop drama, without transitions!"

The trio headed forward, only to be faced with several Eclipse mercs, several LOL mechs and the occasional FERYL dogs. However, they were not immune to spilled gas to which soon encircled them and altered their biotics a great deal.

"Huh. That's weird." Shepard said. "Is the powder affecting you guys too?"

Suddenly, several gasps came from Jack only let out a colossal sneeze, exploding all of the mercenary heads within the nearby area. Shepard and Miranda could only look dumbfounded by Jack's new power and perhaps, just perhaps, withheld their judgement because of fear.

"You…okay, Jack?"

The ex-convict wiped her nose. "Shit, I think I'm allergic to this crap."

"Just be sure to aim that thing at the enemy, understand?" Miranda said. However, at this, Jack began to show signs of sneezing again. Miranda ducked, only to see Jack smile.

"Gotcha, bitch!" Jack said, cackling.

"C'mon! Let's get this mission over with!" Shepard said, walking into a room. Gazing around, he could tell something was amiss.

"Hello?" He asked.

"Please don't shoot!" One of the mercenaries said. "My name's Elnora. I'm new here; I haven't even earned my colors!"

"The bitch's lying; I can tell!" Jack said. "Shoot her!"

"No!" Shepard said. "Just because this Asari is dressed as an Eclipse, was hiding from the gunfire and is now aiming a shotgun at me doesn't mean… wait…"

"Let me go, you sonovabitch before I blow a piece of you into next Tuesday!"

Shepard and his company aimed their firearms. "Ma'am, just so you know, I've been threatened by Krogan before. And let me say, odds aren't looking too good for you right now. So, just tell me what I want to know and I'll let you be on your way."

"Fine." Elnora said. "What is it?"

"You put a criminal on a ship. What's the ship's name?" He asked.

"You mean the Di- I mean… I have no idea! Sorry!" Elnora said. "The Ardat-Yakshi was very secretive."

"The… who?" Shepard asked.

"It means 'Terror of the Nightwing'. Nasty stuff. Can I go now?"

The Commander sighed. "We might as well."

"Shepard!" Miranda said. "She's a dangerous fugitive and a member of the Eclipse. Shouldn't we at least wound her or something so she doesn't get away, or does something potentially harmful to our mission?"

"Nope! When I release potentially dangerous criminals, it's scot-free!"

"Thank you. Oh, thank you! I hope you get what you're looking for!" Elnora said, running along.

The trio continued along, killing several mercenaries on their way. Along the way, they barely scratch a gunship which leaves almost immediately.

"God, I hope that doesn't come back to bite us in the butt." He said, once gain forgetting his lampshading powers.

After a quick skirmish with more Eclipse, they ran upstairs, only to find a nearby audio file.

"_Well, it's official! I, Elnora, have earned my colors and killed that stupid little Volus! With high explosive rounds up close. It was easy…_"

At this point, Jack and Miranda could only help but stare angrily at the Commander.

"Umm… better to let the guilty go free than harm an innocent?" He shrugged.

"Goddammit, why did I have to sign up with a dumbshit pussy?"

"You said it, cheerleader!" Jack replied, while the three of them moved on.

The trio headed out as the game mysteriously saved by itself. How very odd.

"Shepard, I have a bad feeling about this." Miranda said.

"Oh, don't be such an Atton, Miranda. Just because we have an open view of the sunset, the game saved automatically and that gunship from before is approaching at us high… speed… oh, cheese and crackers!"

The company ducked out of the way as the gunship's Gatling gun continued to fire. The trio whittled down its health slowly and painfully as if it were having a child.

"This is just great! I don't see how this could get any worse!"

Suddenly, the ship began deploying several FERYL mechs.

"It poops dogs too?" He screamed, continually firing at the thing. However, the process was slow and tedious.

"This is taking too long!" Miranda shouted.

"Yeah, but what can we-" Suddenly, Shepard received a brilliant idea.

"Hey, Jack! Catch!" He said, tossing a canister of the magic powder to her. It wasn't long before the ex-convict breathed in smoke and suddenly let out a colossal sneeze, killing all enemies in the area.

"Alright! Go, allergies!" He said, before receiving a punch in the stomach from Jack.

"Do that again, and I'll tear your fucking cock off!" Jack screamed.

The company headed out, only to notice a dossier nearby.

"Please tell me the ship's name is on there!" He moaned.

"Nope. But it does implicate Pitne For as the seller of red sand and the biotic-enhancing powder." Miranda said.

"Boy, we do sure find a lot of plot items without actually searching for them, don't we?"

"I wouldn't complain…" Miranda said, taking the evidence along with them and entering the next room.

Shepard and co. entered in, only to find a Volus, incapacitated out of his mind.

"I am a Biotic God! I think things, and things-"

"Do we really have to do this?" Shepard said.

"What?" The Volus said.

"I mean… it's just been done so many times before. Can't we do something else? Casey! Can we do something else?"

Casey, off-screen replied, "No, Mark! We're not going to change the script. Drew worked hard on it."

"I know that, and I don't mean any offense to Drew, but we've seen this bit so many times on the internet and 4chan and-"

"Just read the script!" Casey replied.

"Maybe, if we had the Volus float a bit, or maybe if he lifted himself only to fall back down and-"

The Volus, now in a British accent responded. "Look, you little upstart! If you had script problems, you should've brought it up during the cold reads! Now, get back in line, read the damn script and be done with it! I have a casting call at 3 for a romantic comedy, and you're not going to make me miss it!"

"Okay, okay! I was just trying to be helpful!"

The Volus sighed. "Damn unprofessionals. Now, where was I? Okay… At first, I was scared when the mercanaries pumped so many drugs into me. But, the fools hadn't realize the terror they have unleashed! I will tear into Wasea like a wind… a… mighty wind!"

Miranda folded her arms. "Shepard, this incapacitated Volus could get into the way. We can't have it running around, distracting us."

Shepard looked up. "Oh, great read, Yvonne! Could you sound a little more sarcastic?"

"Just finish the scene!" Casey yelled.

"Now, the Eclipse will feel the wrath of my power!" The Volus said, only to incite a Paragon Interrupt. Shepard does so, planting the Volus on his face.

"Wh-what? What happened? Too tired. Will… destroy the world later…"

Shepard and company looked at each other and headed on.

"Tell me we're not doing that again!" Miranda said.

"Don't worry! We'll fix it in editing; just finish the level!"

The trio headed in, only to find Wasea reading from a dossier and drinking her beverage, because she apparently didn't look evil enough.

"Everything's gone to hell ever since we smuggled that filthy creature off-world. First a Justicar shows up and now you."

"Okay, one warning. Give me the information, otherwise I'll use this thing!" He said, pointing to Jack's nose.

"At least I'll have the pleasure of turning your head into a pulpy mass!" She said, biotically throwing the powder in their direction.

"Did she just throw the element we needed to win this battle?" Shepard asked.

"Apparently so." Miranda responded. "That's enemy AI for you…"

The trio fought off Wasea and the mercanaries. It was easy. Moving on.

"It says here the ship's name was the Artemis. And here I thought we'd never find the name…"

"Let's head back to the station, then."

"Illium's 23rd Precinct

Illium

Saturday-"

"If I beat the shit out of that machine, what makes you think I won't beat the shit out of you?" Jack said.

The trio headed inside, seeing Samara meditating while Anaya figiting nervously.

"Hey, I found the ship's name." Shepard cried.

"Shepard, you impress me."

"Yeah, and I also know they were smuggling an Apcot Nazi on board."

Samara looked curious. "I believe you mean Ardat-Yakshi"

"No, I'm pretty sure it was Ascot Yahtzee."

"…Just let me join your crew."

Samara bowed down in humility and said her oath. "Upon the code, I swear myself upon you. Now, I can do as you wish without any moral implications to my duty."

"…You have a very easy job, don't you?" Shepard said.

"I warn you, make me do anything I regret, and I may kill you."

"Oh, good. As if I didn't need another reason to be dead. Hang on. Detective, here's the evidence that the Eclipse killed your victim, here's evidence that Pitne For was involved in the drug trade and I happed to kill the majority of Eclipse while I was infiltrating their base."

"Thanks for doing my job for me. At least now, I can relax."

Shepard sighed and signaled the group to head back to the ship.

**You have earned a Trophy!-The Justicar**

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute. What the hell is that?" Shepard said, pointing to the upper right side of the screen.

"It's… a trophy. For all your hard work."

"A… trophy?" Shepard said, his tone rising.

"It's basically the same thing!"

(**Warning:** The following rant is a criticism of Mass Effect being shown on the PS3. All PS3 and Wii owners should take caution. Unfortuanately, these do represent the author's view on the matter.)

"No it's not!" Shepard said, starting his rant. "Achievements are numerical values assigned to certain tasks in gaming adding to one's gamer score, allowing for the quick and easy reference of the gamer's experience. Trophies are Sony's late response in order to cash in on Microsoft's innovation just like how they made the move in response to the Wii! I did not decide to buy a Xbox 360 so that the game I had anticipated could be imported to the bloody PS3! PS3 owners didn't buy a faulty console and waded through 5 Rings of Death so they could at least play the next Bioware title! Curse the day EA purchased us because the only thing more insulting would be if Gears of War 3 showed up on there!"

**Achievement Earned- Brand Loyalty 5G**

Shepard sighed. "Let's just get back to the ship…"

(**A/N:** Will Samara show restraint when working with Shepard? Can Jack find a cure for her allergies? Is there anyone at least remotely pissed off as I was when I heard this was coming to the PS3? I mean, seriously! I gave up playing Heavy Rain for this. Heavy Rain!

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied!")

**A/N: **Short break next week. Don't worry, I'm writing as fast as I can!


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:** The following is a fan-based parody of Mass Effect. All properties belong to the Bioware Corporation, EA Games and its respective owners. Please support the official release. Got it? You should; I've been doing this for 14 chapters now.

_Cerberus TV is proud to bring you…_

"Look at her. All prim and perfect. Top student, leader of the cheerleading squad and the yearbook committee. I fucking hate her so much…"

_Another season of the classic that everyone has been waiting for…_

"What I wouldn't give to put my pen in her pocket protector…"

_Mass Effect High_

_Miranda Lawson, Queen of the social ladder and school can't help but feel head above shoulders over her fellow classmates._

"Everybody, thank you for making me your homecoming queen, yet again!"

"Hah! You wouldn't be so proud of yourself it was for your precious Principal TIM!"

_However, things take an unexpected turn as an old friend returns. _

"Shepard! You finally woke up from that 2 month coma!"

"It's good to be home!"

_But with 2 weeks comes a lifetime of changes…_

"Ash! Please, don't break up with me! We can still work this out!"

"Never, Shepard! It's been too long, we're different people now!"

_Witness the changes…_

"And the Valedictorian of the class is… Shepard!"

"No! My perfect record! What will I tell Principal TIM now that I've failed!"

_The Drama…_

"Grunt! We've caught you red-handed. You know the rules. Anyone caught with steroids is suspended from the team!"

"But, it wasn't mine! I swear on my ancestors!"

_The Rebellion…_

"That's it, Garrus! You're out of line! Hand me your Hall Monitor sash right now!"

"Fine. I don't need you or your stinkin' hall monitor sash!"

_In the new season of…_

"Who should I take to the Prom?"

_Mass Effect High…_

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied **

**Chapter 15**

_In the Debriefing room…_

Jacob waited by as Samara walked into the room. Immediately, he came and shook her hand.

"Welcome aboard the Normandy, Samara. We studied your profile extensively. With your skills I think you'll make an excellent addition to our team."

"That is high praise coming from an anti-alien, extremist organization such as yours." She admitted.

"I saw Samara's powers up close. They're substantial." Shepard said.

"We still don't know what we're going to find when we hit the Collectors…" Jacob said.

Samara nodded. "I will be ready for whatever we encounter."

"Where do you want to stay?" Jacob said.

"A room that looks out into the great empty void would be most comforting…"

Shepard nodded, feigning understanding.

"Uhh…"

"A room with a window…" Jacob whispered.

"Oh! The Observatory should be right for you!"

"Thank you. If you'll excuse me, I must meditate on today's events."

Shepard and Jacob broke off as the Commander followed the elevator to talk with Samara. There, he found her sitting, Indian style.

"Shepard."

"How are you, Samara?"

"Fine. It has been a long time since I've had a companion. But, it is good to have someone to talk to. If you are patient, I am willing to answer any questions you may have."

He nodded. "Okay, why are you willing for an organization that obviously loves hate on aliens and perform experiments on humans?"

"I am working for you. So the better question would be, why are _you_ willing to work for such an organization."

Shepard paused at this statement. "Good point. Okay, what do you think about us destroying the Collectors?"

"You wish them destroyed, thus that is my will. No more needs to be said."

"Really, no curiousity, no motive?"

"There are drawbacks of knowing too much when it is uncessary. If I must kill a man for doing wrong, must I know he was a devoted father?"

Shepard made a mental note of this and moved on. "And what were you investigating?"

Samara looks away, sullen. "I cannot say. I am sorry."

The Commander scratched his head, "We… may need to practice more on your conversations. For now, I'll let you meditate."

Samara nodded and resumed her stance. Just as Shepard was leaving the door, he felt the ship shake. Normally, he would ask Joker what had happened, but by the way Jack was storming through the ship, tearing through any furniture, Shepard could've guessed it was 1 of 2 things.

"Jack… did Aunt Flo come to visit?"

By the way the ex-convict tossed a nearby chair near Shepard, he guessed it wasn't that.

"I'm guessing you want to go to Pragia, right?"

"Damn Straight!" She seethed through her teeth.

"Right. I'll just change my pants and we'll be there, soon."

* * *

_Pragia…_

Shepard and Jack sat on the ship, nearing the abandoned Cerberus facility.

"Question." Jack began. "What is this bitch doing here?"

Miranda rolled her eyes and diverted to a nearby window.

"I was thinking since we were about to visit a Cerberus facility, Miranda could shed some insight on what was going on."

"In addition, I work well in a group, _unlike some people…_"

"_Commander._" EDI said through the intercom. "_We are nearing the base, but I am picking up several thermal signatures on the base but none on the landing pad_."

"Of course." Miranda stated. "Cerberus security would still be in place."

"They know how to make things last. Assholes! We shouldn't have come here, Shepard!" Jack said.

He turned to her and glared holes into her for the longest time. "I'm not going to even touch what's messed up with that statement. We'll be here, drop the bomb and head out. No worries."

The Shuttle landed nearby, as Shepard came up with a suggestion.

"Wait. Jack, can't we just blow this up from Orbit?"

"Nah! I want to go inside and reminisce about how shitty my childhood was. And then blow it up."

"Of course…" Shepard sighed.

The shuttle landed as the trio headed out. As they entered in, they were met with a rather gruesome blood-stained chair with the words orientation on it.

"I…I never saw this room. This must be where they brought the new kids…"

"Wow… all this rotting flesh with background information. If I didn't know any better, I'd say this was the Developer Commentary for Left 4 Dead."

**(A/N:** Cue Rimshot.)

Jack stared at her Commander. "You done?"

"Yeah, had to randomly insert pop culture reference. Contract. Moving on."

The company continued to head out, only to find an expositional hologram still in place.

"_We'll report our findings to the Illusive Man later. Right now, we need results." _

"_Won't he get mad at all the unauthorized activity here?"_

"_When we get him results, it'll all work out!"_

Miranda pointed at the hologram. "Ha! They said they were unauthorized. Case closed. I win!"

"They didn't say _what_ they were unauthorized to do… bitch."

Shepard raised a point. "Jack, this looks like a pretty good location to place the big freakin' bomb. You want to do it here?"

"No! I want to place it in my room, so I can get an emotional climax."

The trio entered in, seeing the roof of the complex nearly caving in.

"I remember seeing my first rays of sunlight here. I also remembered they stung the crap out of my eyes. Explains why I don't like the sun."

Along the way, they were met with several Varren. Luckily, since Varren had no shields and the team had 3 biotics, they were easy to dispatch of.

"This place… it used to be an arena." Jack said, commenting on it. "The assholes would shock you if you hesitated one bit."

"Unauthorized…" Miranda whispered.

"Why?" Shepard asked.

"Maybe there was money. Maybe they were bored. I don't fucking know. Come on, let's go."

The trio headed nearby, to find another security console they could access.

"_Subject Zero's broken out! Riots are everywhere! I'd tried giving them a nap, but they just keep killing people!"_

"_You may kill any other subjects, but don't kill Jack. Do you hear me? Don't kill Jack!_"

"That's not right!" Jack said. "I broke out when the guard disappeared. I started that riot.

"The other kids attacked me. The guards attacked me! The vacuum cleaner attacked me. That doesn't leave a whole lotta room for interpretation!"

Along the way, the crew passed by a dead Varren. "This place is supposed to be abandoned. So, who the fuck shot that Varren?"

Shepard stooped down to examine it (as well as gather some Varren meat) and headed out. However, as they entered the next room, they found the facility filled with Blood Pack members. For a moment, everything was silent.

"Uhh… don't mind us! We're just here to… renovate the place!" Shepard said sheepishly. The other members looked at each other and began firing at them.

"Renovate?" Jack said, ducking from crossfire.

"It was worth a shot!" The Commander said, firing back at the troops. After all was said and done, several Vorcha, and Krogan were dead as the trio retreated from their hiding places.

"Why did this place have a morgue? This place was only a small facility." Jack asked.

"I'm more interested in why there were Blood Pack members here." Shepard replied.

"Children must've died often here. Still, their corpses were valuable to the experiment."

"Hello?" Shepard asked. "What about those guys that just attacked us? Aren't you worried about them?"

"Bullshit! I got the worst of it and I made it out alive!"

"Whatever. Jack do you want to plant the bomb here or-"

"In. My. Room." The ex-convict seethed.

"Yes ma'am!"

After a few more skirmishes with Varren and Vorcha, the crew came across a rather depressing sight.

"Yeah. This is where they kept a lot of kids." Jack commented.

"They kept… children here?" Miranda said, almost horrified.

"Pussies! They didn't go through half the shit I went through!"

"Enough! We have a bomb to plant and a motive to find." Shepard said.

They continued as Jack reminisced. "This… is a two-way mirror? I used to scream at the other kids for hours. They always ignored me. Except when I was changing. Assholes."

The crew came across another room and opened up a hologram. "Well, our 'shock them until biotics improve' experiment was a bust. Subjects 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8 all died from electrocution. Subject 5 had a cold. So, we won't try that on Zero."

"That's bullshit! I got through here because I was tougher than the rest!"

"Jack. You were what, 6 when you broke out? Memory's tricky like that." Shepard replied.

"A lotta this… isn't what I remembered."

The trio entered the door, finding the full force of the Blood Pack waiting for them.

"Aresh!" The Head Krogan said. "We need to talk. You promised us lots of salvage, but this place is a waste! Give us something, or we'll rip you to shreds."

"Who's Aresh and what does he want?" Shepard demanded.

"Hold on. No, it's just some humans causing noise. Okay, fine. Kill them!" The Krogan said. The trio fought hard but with Miranda's celebrity voice powers and Jack's finding a curse word with every sentence power, they were able to fight them off. After a… short skirmish, they were left with one place left: Jack's room.

The trio headed inside, looking for anyone in charge.

"Olly Olly, Oxen Free!" Shouted the Commander, as Aresh came forward.

"Who are you?" Jack demanded.

"My name is Aresh. You're invading my home…"

"Oh! I get it. He was one of the kids who must've escaped when you broke out!"

"Yes. I tried to forget this place, but this place… doesn't forget you. We knew who you are Subject Zero. We were experimented, so that you could survive."

"My name is Jack!" She replied, angrily.

"Why are you here?" Shepard asked.

"I came because I wanted to start up the experiments again. If there was any breakthrough with the biotics, we will make significant gain! It will be marvelous!"

Jack screamed. "I wanted a hole in the ground and this asshole wants to start it up again?"

Shepard nodded. "We can blow up the facility, but what about him?"

"Just… leave me here. I want to stay…" Aresh said.

"Fuck that!" Jack said, biotically putting him on his knees.

Shepard then used his CHARM skills to sway Jack.

"Jack. Wait! You're better than this. Look at him; he's pathetic, unable to let go of the past. Is that what you want? To have the past haunt you?"

Jack hesitated for a moment and then cursed. "Fuck! Go on, get out of here!"

The Commander patted Jack on the back. "You did good."

"Maybe… Hey, lemme look around. This place was my whole childhood."

Shepard nodded, allowing Jack to visit various places. "This was my desk. I wrote a lot of angry poetry here. It was shitty, but it helped. This is my mirror. I used to think this was the whole world. I used to ask if there was anything outside of it. My bed. I tore up the sheets more times I could remember. They restrained me so that I would take the shots."

The crew went outside, seeing a rather large bloodstain on the wall. "And this. This is where I made my first kill. Just a guard standing between me and freedom. Well, actually a lot of fucking guards, but you get the picture. Okay, I'm done. Time to blow it!"

The crew was well on-board the taxi as Shepard eyed Jack, flicking the detonator several times. When she finally gave a nod, Shepard banged on the door. Jack activated the detonator, allowing the blast to encompass an entire region, leaving Jack a bit sullen.

"Hey… I think I know something that might cheer you up! A song!" Shepard said. Miranda, at this point, put her Cerberus issued earplugs.

"_Sing. Sing a song. _

_Sing it loud. Sing it strong!_

_It doesn't matter if it's not good enough for anyone else to hear,_

_Just-_ **Ow!"**

"Why'd you hit me?" Shepard asked.

"Because it cheered me up." Jack smirked.

"Oh you!"

* * *

_Later on the Normandy…_

"_Uhh…Commander?_" Joker said through the PA. "_Jack just went into Miranda's room to have a 'chat'. I think you'd better get over there!_"

"Oh…snickerdoodles…" He sighed, heading towards it.

"_Take pictures. And don't forget to spray water. And maybe some mud. See if they can take their clothes off…_"

Shepard went in, only to have a chair nearly hit his head.

"Touch me, and I will spray the wall with you!" Jack cried.

"I'd like to see you try!" Miranda said, obviously in a foul mood.

"Hey… can't we all just try to get along?"

"**Shut up!"** The two of them yelled in unison.

"Cerberus screwed with me, and this bitch won't admit it. They fucked with me!"

Miranda shook her head. "It wasn't Cerberus. Not really. But clearly, you were a mistake."

"Screw you! I oughta choke you right here and now!"

The two stared angrily at each other, only to find that Shepard had given no response.

"Shepard! Say something!" Jack said.

To Shepard's dismay, he had found that his CHARM skill was completely grayed out. _"This persuasion system is a load of horseshit!_"

The Commander paused for a moment, carefully thinking of his next step. "_Hmm…I've already earned Miranda's respect. Wait, I know. I'll take Jack's side this time, and since Miranda's my bunk buddy, we'll just kiss and make up afterwards._"

(**A/N:** Faulty logic FTW!)

"Well… I guess that if Cerberus was never founded… Jack wouldn't have gone through those horrible experiments." Shepard said sheepishly.

"Ha!" Jack said, storming out of the room. Miranda, on the other hand, looked rather angry.

"So… are we still good for that Cabin meeting or-"

"Sod off!" Miranda said.

"Great. Another one."

"What was that?" Miranda asked, loudly.

"Uhh… I wasn't insinuating you were another character who after gaining significant influence with another character refused to talk to me." He said, quickly darting out the door. He then decided to take the elevator down, seeing if Jack was alright.

"I needed to blow that place up!" Jack said. "And you took me there. Thanks."

"Well… if it makes you feel any better, Miranda has ceased talking to me."

The biotic smiled. "You're right, that does make me feel better."

**(A/N:** What will Shepard do now that Miranda has refused talking to him? What will be the next step on his journey? And how much longer until Dragon Age 2 comes out? Seriously! I'm bored! Find out the answers to these exciting questions and more in the next installment of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied"!

Hey, guys! Working on that next chapter ASAP! But don't expect until the week after the next! Thanks for being Patient!)


	16. Chapter 16

(**A/N:** Hey guys, quick announcement! Been working like nuts to get this next chapter out to you. I'm going to need some time to write up the next couple of chapters, with me being busy and all. So, sit tight for a while as updates will come when they do. Until then, enjoy this chapter!)

_Waking up after a late night…_

"Ugh…" Shepard groaned, feeling groggy after last night. He went down to the main battery, finding Garrus playing a game.

"Hey, Garrus."

"Wow, Shepard, you look run down."

"Oh, I had this weird dream. I was playing a Bioware sequel, but it didn't turn out at all what I expected. They kept reusing the same dungeons, I couldn't equip my squadmates and the story felt really convoluted, like the 1st and 3rd acts were connected but there was this entire 2nd act that really didn't tie into the plot, save one character. And worst of all, I couldn't pick my origins like in the predecessor."

"Huh, sounds rough." The Turian said, continuing his play through.

"Speaking of which, what game are you playing?" The Commander asked.

"I borrowed your copy of Dragon Age 2, I hope you don't mind."

Shepard looks shocked as a trumpet plays loudly in the background.

"Speaking of which, what'd you think of this game?"

Shepard raised a finger to speak, but carefully considered his words.

"To be honest, it felt like a rushed product in a couple of areas. I was also surprised by the number of visual glitches in the game."

"I get that impression, too."

**Dragon Age II: **Because no matter what system you play on, it's a bit of a disappointment.

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 16**

_Some time for Jack to get over the initial shock of the facility's destruction… Let's say 2 days later…_

Shepard minded his own business, walking around the crew quarters, when he bumped into Kelly.

"Oh hello, Kelly!" Shepard said. "Anything the matter?"

"Yes. Thane seems particularly worried, and I was wondering if you could check up on him…"

The Commander scratched his head. "I? Don't you mean we?"

The Yeoman found herself reeling back. "Yes! Of course I meant we! Also, please check up on Garrus. I- I mean 'we' want to know if he'll be okay."

Shepard nodded. "Alright. I'll make sure they're okay."

Just as Kelly was about to leave, she reeled back.

"Also, don't forget to mention that we think that Thane has the dreamiest eyes and Garrus has a tight ass."

Shepard would've commented on this, if he hadn't been so shocked. He went into the Life Support Control room, seeing Thane look towards the engine core as usual.

"Shepard, you're here…" The Drell said, almost shocked.

"Yeoman Chambers said you wanted to talk?" The Commander asked.

"Yes, but now that you're here… it's a bit… awkward."

"Thane, this isn't high school. If you have something to say, say it. I haven't got anything better to do. I mean- sure, there's that whole 'Collector' business, but I make time for my crew. So, what is it?"

Thane went over to his collection of guns and talked. "I had a son…"

The main character spoke up. "Umm… Thane? Look, I'm just going to take a wild guess here and stop me when I go off-course. You had a son, 'had' being the main verb here meaning he's either dead or estranged. I'm guessing the latter. You did so, because your assassination business is very important, so much so that a terrible event created a permanent wedge between you and your son, so much so that you haven't spoken to him in several years."

"Uhh… well, yes!"

"Okay, so… what's the inciting incident that would change this dysfunctional status quo?"

"Well, my son must've found one of my contacts. He's attempting to assassinate one of the residents on the Citadel. Though, I'm not sure which contact he used."

"Gotcha. We'll go to the Citadel and find your boy!"

As Shepard left, Thane spoke up. "I'm… not that predictable, am I?"

"Oh, Thane. If the world had been based on original ideas, there wouldn't be a Mass Effect universe. So, don't worry about it!"

He left, instead going towards Rupert for a stiff drink.

"Hit me with a shot of Juma and keep 'em coming." The Commander sighed, unleashing his troubles to the cook.

"Boy, things sure are getting complicated. My two poster characters are an ice queen that's absolutely loyal to her cause in the first act, only to want to have me in the second act, while my other character has an estranged son because he's too faithful to his work."

"Things are kinda screwy that way." Rupert said.

"Well, I gotta go talk to the religious telekinetic monk, and see what's up. Later!"

Shepard went into Samara's room, seeing her meditate as per usual. "Shepard. Come, sit with me."

The Commander, after trying for what must've been 5 minutes, finally crossed his legs and sat with Samara.

"I wanted to ask you a few questions, that's all."

"Then, ask."

Shepard started, "Don't you think your Code could use a bit of adjusting?"

"This world sees things in shades of gray. I see them in Black and White. Its purpose is not spiritual enlightenment, but to punish the wicked."

"Do you think that's fair?"

"Justicars undergo intense and lethal training and memorize 400 sutras in order to do their duty. In it, they outline every possible situation, that I may uncover."

The Main character scratched his head. "Even ones where a random human walks up to you to ask you to join in his impossible task of killing an entire insect race?"

"Yes."

Shepard paused for a moment. "You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"I have lived for several hundred years. What do you think?"

"Alright. Talk to you later, Samara!" Shepard said, unsure how to react to Samara's forthrightness. However, along the way, he bumped into Garrus.

"Shepard! I'm glad I found you!"

"I'm surprised you finished your calibrations!"

"I didn't." The Turian said bluntly. "Anyway, this is too important! One of my contacts finally found me a lead to Sidonis! He's using a guy named Fade to hide himself."

"That's great, Garrus. Only… what are you going to do?"

"Well, you humans have a saying, 'an eye for an eye, a life for a life'? Well he owes me 10 lives. But, since we don't have a lot of time, I figured I'd shoot him full of 10 holes."

Shepard hesitated. "Are you sure this is the only way?"

"Look, Shepard. I know you want to convince me with your 'rule-loving' ways, but I need this. It's going to clear my head for the Collectors."

"Alright, where to?"

"Somewhere on the Citadel…" Garrus responded.

Shepard looked up. "Well, that makes things convenient. Okay, lemme finish my rounds with Jack and we'll be on the Citadel before you can say 'She sells sea shells by the sea shore' 10 times fast."

Garrus, curious at this, began to wonder. "That's easy. She sells sea shells by the sea shore. She shells… wait, lemme start over. She sells shells… that's not right."

Shepard headed to the basement, mainly Jack's little hole in engineering.

"Hey, boyscout." Jack said, upon seeing Shepard.

"Hello, Little Miss Sunshine. How have you been?"

"You got a lotta questions, don't you?"

Shepard shrugged. "Well, considering Miranda and I are no longer on speaking terms, I'd thought I'd make good company with you."

"Been thinking. We've seen a lot of shit together. I mean- we would, if you'd take me out of here once in a while. But, you helped me on Pragia."

"I make time for my crew."

"Shepard… you got feelings for me? Because, I don't need the hassle."

The Commander was taken aback by this. He'd consider sexual intercourse with Jack (until she manage to make him shrink from her promiscuous adventures), but there was a change in the ex-biotic's tone. Only, he couldn't place his finger on it.

"I… hadn't really thought about it. Why?"

"It's… nothing."

Suddenly, as if a guardian angel had smacked him across the head, Shepard realized what was going on. Jack was interested in him.

"Wait… you like me, don't you?"

"No!" Jack said, hiding her blushing face.

"You don't just like me. You like-like me!"

"Fuck off! It's a bad idea. Trust me; you don't want all this emotional baggage."

"Everyone comes with baggage, Jack. What's important is **to find a matching set.**"

For a moment, Jack simply stared at Shepard. Then she punched him in the shoulder.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"For that corny-ass line, motherfucker! Leave me alone, I need to think about this!"

Shepard walked away, suddenly having Jack on the corner of his mind.

* * *

_The Citadel…_

"_Shepard, you can find more information about Thane's Son and Fade from Captain Bailey._"

"Thanks, EDI!" Shepard said, walking towards the main office, along with Garrus and Thane.

"Oh, Spectre! How can I help you today?" Bailey said, unsurprised.

"I'm looking for a man named Fade."

"You and me both. He's a pain in the ass. Somehow, he has internal workings of all our operations and we can't find any trace of him."

"Any leads?" Garrus said.

"I've heard rumor he does business in the abandoned warehouse, but I've never seen him. Check there."

"Also, my associate here is looking for his son."

"Shouldn't be too hard, we don't get a lot of Drell here on the Presidium. Let's see, here we go! He's been last seen talking to Mouse."

"Mouse?" Thane said, almost shocked.

"Yeah, he's been acting real shady lately. Funny thing is, he's been selling Shepard VI's of you."

"Me?" The commander said.

"Yeah. It said that you deleted viruses like no tomorrow. Funny stuff. Anyway, it sounds like your boy is in real trouble…"

Thane nodded. "He walks a dangerous path."

"Well, good luck to you."

Shepard and co. went out of the way, as Thane took him aside. "You didn't mention about him being an assassin."

"Yeah… Thane? That whole 'soul is disconnected to the body' isn't going to fly in court. Let's just go."

"So…" Garrus started. "Who's got first dibs?"

"Well, the way I see it, we should honor it with the traditional game of Jan Ken Poi."

The Turian and the Drell eyed each other and presumed their positions.

"Rock… Paper… Scissors!" The two said, revealing Thane with the rock over Garrus.

Shepard started. "Garrus. Rock beats scissors. We'll do your quest second."

"Fine… mine's cooler anyway!"

"Garrus, don't be a poor sport."

* * *

_Outside the Dark Star lounge…_

The trio searched high and low for mouse, only to find another character from Shepard's past.

"Hey, look!" The Commander said.

"It's Kristina- no. Khalisha Bin- wait… Kardashian-"

"Just call me that reporter from the first game!" Khalisah al-Jilani said, somewhat irritated. "Commander. You remember me, right? I interviewed you 2 years ago when you became a Spectre."

"Yes, and I also vaguely recall several attempts of making me look like a sell-out. And… a homosexual."

The reporter sighed. "Well, that was wrong of me! Why don't I make it up to you by asking one teensy-weensy harmless question?"

"Alright." Shepard said, shrugging.

The camera turned on as the reporter asked one thing. "So, do you feel good about sacrificing all those human lives so that 3 incompetent aliens can continue to treat humanity like dirt?"

Luckily, Shepard had his CHARM skill with him.

"No, and neither should you. Everyone in the 5th fleet is a hero in my books. And the Council doesn't even owe them half the gratitude they deserve. Shenyang. Emden. Jakarta. Cairo. Seoul. Cape Town. Warsaw. And Madrid. Don't you ever discount my decision or their noble efforts, ever again!"

"I-But…we… aw, screw it! I'll handle it in editing…" the reporter said, defeated.

"Where did that come from, Shepard?" Garrus asked.

"Guilty conscience, really. Come on, let's find this mouse."

Suddenly, Thane and Shepard encountered an individual glancing over a datapad.

"What is it, I got- oh, Shit! Krios. But you left. Oh, Shit! Shepard! But you died. Oh, shit! Garrus, I thought you-"

"Enough!" Shepard said. "You're overly excited, I get it. Where's Thane's son?"

"I…I can't say, not even for you, Krios."

"My son is in need of guidance, Mouse!"

The informant looked around. "Look! I'm under watch of some very powerful people. If I start flapping off, I'll get killed!"

Shepard used his CHARM skill.

"I pinky promise that your identity will not be compromised, so help me."

"Oh… okay. Your kid, Kolyat, came and asked for a contract. I gave it to him from an interested party: Elias Kelham."

"Kelham?' Thane said.

"He was little people when you were here, Krios. After the attack, he became big people. I'd watch my back if I were you."

"One more thing…" Shepard said. "I heard you were selling products with my image on it without my permission."

Mouse looked at the Commander suspiciously. "Yeah! What are you gonna do about it?"

"Me? Nothing. But, I know some powerful friends that you don't want to mess with."

"Yeah? Who?" Mouse said, smugly.

"The Bioware lawyers…"

At this point, the informant had a dead look in his eyes. "I won't sell the VI no mores. Promise!"

After Mouse left, Thane and Shepard had a talk. "You okay?"

"Mouse knew more about my life that Kolyat did. I, too, abandoned him."

Suddenly, the camera angles became rapid, cut hastily and poorly shown.

"_Scabby knees and open eyes stared at me. 'Where's your son?' he asks. I give him a hologram, knowing he has no future. 'Answer me!' he says. _I… I'm sorry. We brought up a sensitive subject, I'd rather not talk about."

"Yeah, I got the gist of it. C'mon! When we find Kolyat, even you'll think you've been father of the year."

_Back at C-Sec Academy…_

"So, did you find anything useful?" Captain Bailey asked.

"Elias Kelham…" Shepard said, bluntly.

"Kelham. Aw, shit! Listen, things might get more complicated that usual. Kelham and I have an arrangement. He buys tickets to the 'C-Sec Charity Ball' and I turn a blind eye to any… misdemeanors he may have caused." He said, using air quotes in his message.

Shepard nodded his head and responded with his own air quotes. "So why don't you… 'disappear' for a while when we 'interrogate' him."

"Now you're speaking my 'language'." Baily said, chuckling with his air quotes. "I'll set up a meeting. Work fast, because we may only get one shot at this…"

"Do it. We'll be ready."

As Kelham was brought in, Thane turned to Shepard. "What should we do?"

Shepard, leaning towards the Paragon side, answered. "Let's appeal to his sense of goodwill and reason…"

"Really? Because I know several painful techniques that are sure to make him talk without killing him…"

"No, I'm sure showing kindness to our prisoner will make him talk eventually."

The two went in, seeing Kelham bound and fuming.

"What the hell is this? Does Bailey know about this?" He said, furious.

Shepard, nodded and used his CHARM skill. "We can be your friends, Kelham. You want us on your side. Tell us who you want eliminated"

"Look! Unless you and frog-boy are into some perverted shit, I ain't got no reason to deal with you!"

The Commander, persistant, continued his nice assault. "Well… we have lots of candy! Do you like candy, Mr. Kelham?"

"I'm in my goddamn forties and have 5 fillings? I ain't no school kid! If you're going to interrogate me, at least burn me with a cigarette."

Shepard, annoyed, tried one last tactic. "I think someone needs a hug."

"I think someone needs their balls cut off!" Kelham said, bored.

Thane took Shepard to the side. "Shepard, I think we need a new plan. His lawyer will be here anytime soon, and we can't afford to dally."

The Commander thought of a method to make Kelham talk without earning Renegade points. Suddenly, he had a brilliant plan.

"Mr. Kelham, did you know that during medieval times, a form of torture was invented and in some cases was more torturous than pain?"

Kelham raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

"This method was refered to as… tickling. Get him!" Shepard said, suddenly having his fingers crawl everywhere and wriggling on Kelham.

"Please what sort of polite… bullshit is… this? Hehe. Haha! Okay, okay, this ain't nothing. This ain't… hahahah! Oh, god, Oh, god! Stop, stop! I'll tell you what you want to know!"

"I can't believe that worked…" Thane said.

"The target's Joram Talid. Work fast, though. I just talked to him, and he's ready to take him out!"

The two exited the room, and talked to Bailey.

"Hmm… prolonged laughter. Not my choice, but hell, I'll try anything these days. You get the name?"

"Joram Talid."

"Crap. Talid's a local politician on the Citadel. He's been campaigning against humanity getting privileges so soon…"

"That's an… odd position to be taking, considering that 8 of our ships died protecting the Destiny Ascension."

Bailey shrugged. "If politics made sense half the time, we'd have little to complain about. He should be around the 800 blocks. I'll get a taxi to send you there."

_The 800 Blocks…_

"Thane, I have a question. If we know where Joram lives, why don't we just stalk there?"

"I've been a professional assassin for many years, Shepard. And if that remains relevant, Kolyat will attempt to kill him in a crowded area with lots of C-sec officers and his bodyguard here."

Shepard would've raised a protest but shrugged at it. "Okay, so what's the plan?"

"You head up on the catwalks and try to track him, while I stalk the shadows, waiting for him."

"Let's do this!" Shepard said, getting to position.

Thane held his hands in prayer. "Amonkira. Lord of Hunters. Grant that my hands be steady, my aim be true and my feet swift. And if the worst should come to pass, grant me forgiveness…"

With that, Thane disappeared into the shadows as Shepard stalked Talid.

"Shepard, do you see him?"

The Commander nodded. "Yeah, he's just brown-nosing some locals."

"I'm moving to another location. Keep track of him."

Talid made a slow walk towards another citizen as Thane radioed in.

"Shepard, what's he doing now?"

"More ass-kissing."

"I'm moving to another location, keep track of him."

The conversation more or less followed this, until something changed.

"I can't see him, anymore!" The Commander said, panicking.

"Neither can I!" Thane responded. "Hurry, Shepard!"

But, too much time passed. Shepard and Thane made a run towards Kelham's estate, but Kolyat managed to kill the Krogan bodyguard and kill Talid before making his escape.

"Of course. Entropy wins. Entropy always wins…" Thane said.

"You're loyal, right?" Shepard said. "I mean, I did your personal quest and-"

"I will help you defeat the collectors. But even now, the galaxy appears to be a darker place, with apathy, evil still prevailing and-"

"Alright, alright! I'll do it again!" Shepard said, opening up the pause menu and reloading the auto-save.

Transported back in time and space, Shepard followed the two closely, seeing where he went wrong.

"Oh! The Krogan went into Aquila but Joram's just standing there."

"Very well, keep following him."

(**A/N:** The rest of the scene has been abridged. No, not _that_ abridged!)

Shepard headed inside the one of the dock maintenance areas, only to find an urchin scouting for items.

"Hey, who are you?" He asked.

"I'm… uh… one of the maintained workers here."

"I could believe that… but your story is awfully suspicious…"

"No time. Love tap. Sorry!" Shepard said, bonking him on the head and continuing onwards.

It was soon after that Thane and Shepard found the same scenario with Kolyat with a gun.

"Kolyat!" Shepard yelled, messing up his aim but somehow disabling the Krogan bodyguard.

Thane and Shepard chased Kolyat inside. "Why couldn't I have done that even if we failed the mission?"

"Hurry! Kolyat's getting close."

The two found themselves, seeing Talid aimed with his hands behind his head and Kolyat aiming a gun at him.

"This… this is a joke, right? Some sort of sick joke!" Kolyat said, almost angry.

Soon after, Captain Bailey and another officer came into the scene. "Drop the weapon, son!"

"I'll do it, don't think I won't!"

"Help me, Drell!" Joram said, pleading. "And while you're at it, vote more me when I get out of here!"

Thane stepped forward. "There are snipers everywhere, you won't be able to get away."

"I'll get away…" Kolyat said, as Shepard eyed a nearby lamppost. "I'll just slip by and-"

Suddenly, the Commander shot at the post using his Paragon Interrupt.

"Oh my god! What happened to that lamp-"

"Shepard punch!" He said, knocking Koylat away, allowing Talid to run away.

"You-you screwed up my kill! He was mine to kill!" The angsty adolescent said.

"If you're done, your father wants to talk to you about some personal issues."

"What personal issues? He wasn't there for me or mom! So, why does he get to decide how I spend my life?"

"Kolyat…" Thane said, stepping forward. "The men who killed your mother… tried to get to me through her."

"What?" The young Drell said, in disbelief.

"I hunted them down, the trigger men, the slavers. I did as my body willed, not my soul. I've taken many bad things in the galaxy. But you're the one good thing I put in it."

"Umm…" Captain Bailey said. "This is a touching reunion and all, but unless those snipers can read lips, we should take this elsewhere. Give Kolyat and his father a room and as much time as they need. We'll get through this, one way or another."

"Captain Bailey," Shepard said. "There's one thing I don't understand. Why did you help us all this time, instead of being an unhelpful NPC?"

"You think he's the only one who's screwed up raising a son? I see him as a part of me; and if I can help it, I will."

"So… helping a complete stranger makes you feel better, than say… actually working things out with your son?"

Captain Bailey stared at Shepard. "What do we have here?"

With a quick snatch from his pocket, the officer wiped off the biotic powder from the previous level.

"Hmm! This looks like some bad stuff. Could turn you in for it? Now, what were you saying?"

"…Thanks for your help."

"Anytime."

* * *

_Back at C-Sec…_

Shepard and Garrus waited patiently for Thane to finish up his belated father and son chat with Kolyat. All the meanwhile, Captain Bailey was finishing up his research.

"Just checked in. Seems like a couple years back looks like someone was cleaning house. Reports say it was a Drell."

"Huh. Interesting." Shepard said, readying his CHARM skill. "I don't suppose you could happen to 'lose' those files, could you?"

"In a matter of speaking, I could just 'misplace' them and never find them again." The Captain said, using his airquotes.

"I'm glad we could come to an 'agreement'." Shepard said, using his own airquotes

"Me 'too'."

Suddenly, Thane appeared out of the office.

"How'd it go?" Shepard asked.

"What happened between Kolyat and I. Some of them are things that couldn't be said within a matter of hours. Plus, I may be behind on several years of child support."

"So… are you loyal, now?"

"I am unsure. The galaxy seems so dark, so void, so-"

"Oh, gimme a break!" Shepard cried out.

"I was simply joking. I shall be ready."

"Umm… not to interrupt a perfectly good bit, but your son threatened a very important person. No one I have sympathy for, but still…"

"Oh, I'm sure we could have him do some 'community service'."

"I see what you're 'saying'. I'll arrange something. Good luck on everything else!"

Shepard chuckled, only to see Garrus staring bullets into him.

"Right… Let's go meet Fade."

_The Warehouse…_

"This is it…" Garrus said, nearing the warehouse. "Shepard, anything could happen. Are you ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be…" The Commander said. With that, Garrus, Thane and Shepard entered the warehouse. Things went smoothly at first, seeing only 2 Krogan guard the area. It wasn't until a Volus came out that things began to move.

"Ah… what services can I provide you fine gentlemen today?"

"You're Fade?" Shepard asked.

"What? Of course I am!" The Volus said, offended.

"It's just that…_I was expecting someone taller…_" Shepard said, winking to the camera.

"Oh, like I haven't heard that joke a million times before! Now, what do you want? To make someone disappear?"

"Actually…" Garrus said. "We'd like you to make someone reappear."

"Ah… we don't do that…"

The Turian pulled out his gun. "Make an exception. Just this once!"

"Shoot them, you lumbering mountains!" The Volus said in a panic.

However, both parties aimed guns at each other.

"Garrus, I'm going to try something." Shepard whispered.

"Hey! Go away!"

The two Krogan looked at each other and shrugged.

"What the- you're not getting paid!" The Volus said, now outmatched.

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

"Where's Sidonis?" Garrus cried out.

"Umm… well… you see… I'm not actually Fade."

Shepard sighed. "What a shocking revelation."

"Oh… Harkin's gonna be mad."

"Harkin?" The Commander said, almost confused. "Harkin, Harkin. Why does that name sound so familiar?"

"Used to work for C-sec. Hanged around Chlora's Den. Sold books on the side."

Suddenly, Shepard's eye's dialated with rage, realizing who the slimeball was.

"ZOMG! He's that guy who sold me that tie-in book and robbed me of 8 credits! I'll have his hide!"

"Save some room for me. I need to find Sidonis, remember?" Garrus added.

"He should be working out of the Factory District. You could catch him if you hurry…"

"Okay, what do we do about him?" Shepard said, pointing to the Volus.

"If he's lying, we'll be sure to get the truth next time…"

"Oh… why didn't I become a merchant like my 3 cousins?"

* * *

_The Factory District…_

The shuttle dropped the trio off at the area. It was only moments before Harkin squinted his eyes only to realize it was Shepard on the scene.

"Oh… crap! No refunds!" He yelled, signaling the Blue Suns to shoot.

"You can run, Harkin, but we'll find you!" The trio disposed of the gang before heading inside.

As they tore through the LOL mechs and the Blue Suns, Garrus couldn't help but comment.

"Harkin's here somewhere; I can smell him."

"Oh, please tell me that was just an expression." Shepard groaned. As they kept getting closer and closer, the trio tore through several tech experts and even a YUMY mech in order to get to Harkin's location. As they neared the destination, the trio ducked near a room, waiting for any sign of trouble.

"Garrus, you seem… tense. Moreso that usual."

"Well, you'd be pissed too if your ex-partner was selling out C-Sec secrets and using them for his own personal gain. When I get my hands on him, he'll be lucky to even sell Stephanie Meyer books."

"Garrus… I admit he's a hock seller but don't be too hard on him."

"Oh, I'll keep him alive. For now. But Sidonis? That sonovabitch is going down."

The Commander scratched his head. "Still working that revenge angle, huh?"

"Don't try to talk me out of this, Shepard! If there's anyone in the galaxy who deserves a headshot, it's him!"

The trio headed out, only to see numerous platforms around them. They took out the mechs and mercs quickly as they headed forward. However, things became eerily quiet as they continued onward.

"Uh-oh!" Shepard said. "Guys, I think we're in trouble!"

"Is it those two ominious looking crates up ahead?" Garrus responded.

"Worse! The game just auto-saved!"

As if a prophecy foretold, two YUMY mechs came crashing down, firing heavy rounds that the group. Shepard noticed this and responded appropriately.

"Eat hot Voltage, you mechanized monstrosities!" He said, firing his Arc Projector, causing a current to bounce continuously between them until they both exploded.

Finally, the trio entered Fade's headquarters.

"Ha! You were close, but not close enough-" Harkin said, only to get a faceful of assault rifle before being thrown towards the wall.

"Garrus, baby! You're looking… decent."

"Harkin. Tell me where Sidonis is, and maybe I'll let you live." The Turian said, disgruntled.

"I can't do that. Bad for business!"

"Huh. You know what's bad for business? A crushed neck!" Garrus said, throwing Harkin on the ground and stomping on him.

"Alright, alright, alright! Get him off me, his foot's bigger than my face for god's sake!"

Harkin sighed, and headed towards the com terminal.

"Hey, man. Just calling in. Wanted to know if you wanted to get lunch. No, this isn't a social call! We have… matters to discuss."

Shepard eyed Garrus, readying his pistol.

"Okay, it's all set. Now, can I go?" Harkin asked.

"Sure! Lemme make one more adjustment…" Garrus said, aiming his gun at Harkin's leg. Luckily, Shepard used his Paragon Interrupt.

"Garrus, whoa! What the heck?"

"He deserves it, Shepard! He helped fugitives and screwed you out of 8 credits!"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you should potentially cripple him! Can't you think of some otherway of disabling him?"

The Turian thought for a moment before a lightbulb went off in his head.

**GARRUS used Headbutt! The foe's HARKIN fainted!**

He turned to his Commander.

"I… guess that works too."

"Here's your 8 bucks." Garrus said, handing him a wad of credits.

* * *

_The Meeting place…_

The shuttle neared the point of meeting. Shepard turned to Garrus, unsure how to feel about his attitude.

"If you ask me," The Turian said. "Harkin deserved worse."

"Garrus, I think you and I need a heart to heart."

"Oh no! You're not convincing me to go the other route! For once, I'm perfectly justified in this scenario! I should do this!"

"Garrus," Shepard said. "Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. Be the bigger man, walk away."

"What about my men, Shepard? 10 men who gave their lives and this one bastard who sold them out! No one knows what we did! No court's going to convict him! I need this!"

"This is going to eat you up inside, Garrus. Giving in to your baser instincts can do more harm than good."

"But… this is my character! The Renegade Turian who doesn't play the rules! Who else am I going to be if I'm not spoofing cliché 80's films?"

Shepard put a hand on his shoulder. "You can be Garrus. You don't always have to follow the rules. But that doesn't mean you always have to go out of your way to break them."

"I… dunno. I'm setting up. You keep him talking while I aim the scope." With that, Shepard and Thane went down to find Sidonis waiting eagerly.

"Who are you? Where's Harkin?"

"_Shepard… I'm nearing position. Move to the side._"

The Commander sighed and breathed. "Listen to me very carefully. I'm a friend of Garrus and if you want to live, listen to exactly what I have to say."

"Garrus! Screw this, I'm out of here-" Sidonis said, walking away, only to have Shepard use his Paragon Interrupt.

"Stop, you moron! I mean, literally! The only thing blocking you between a killcam kill is me! Listen!"

"_What the… hang on… Dammit, Shepard! You're totally cockblocking me! Move your head!"_

(**A/N:** No pun intended)

"What do you want? Haven't I already paid enough?" Sidonis moaned.

"Speak faster before he realizes he can shoot through me to get to you!"

"Look, I… sold them out for money. What more do you want me to say? I feel like crap after it, food doesn't have any flavor and sometimes… I can see their faces when I sleep."

"_See, he has to will to live. Now let me make it official!_"

"Tell Garrus… that I'm sorry."

Shepard waited with bated breath for a long while until he heard another sigh from the intercom.

"_Tell him to report himself to jail, or I'm hauling him there myself!_"

"Go directly to jail." Shepard said.

"You mean- Oh, thank you! And wherever you are, Garrus! Thank you!" Sidonis said, walking directly to the nearest telecom.

Shepard and Thane headed back, seeing Garrus unsure about himself.

"I'm not sure what to say…"

"You did good, Garrus." Shepard said. "Life's screwy that way."

"Yeah, it sure is. If you'll excuse me, I need to hit up Call of Duty: Black Ops to rack up some more headshots."

"And no one will judge you for that."

(**A/N:** Shepard has managed the impossible by getting Thane to lighten up and Garrus to not pull the trigger. Who's loyalty will he earn next? Are the Collectors going to continue to wait? And how will Jack respond to Shepard's feelings? Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next exciting chapter of

"Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied!")


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer:** The following is a non-profit based fanfiction. I do not own or claim to own the property known as Mass Effect. Mass Effect is copyrighted to Drew Karpyshyn, Casey Hudson, EA Games and the Bioware Corporation Please support the official release.

**A/N:** Please note that this fanfiction parodies and/or mocks one player's gaming experience. As Mass Effect is an interactive game, it would be impossible to satisfy the needs of every fandom out there and thus, whatever personal choices the character makes is by no means an insult to those who would otherwise make decisions on their own. In other words, the great thing about an interactive experience is simply put, no two playthroughs are alike. A person should not be put under persecution for the choices he make in game, but for the craft and skill he or she is renown for. Please keep this under consideration as you read through this fanfiction.

The "Too Long; Didn't Read" Version: Jack/Shepard. Sorry Haters.

**Mass Effect 2:The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied **

**Chapter 17**

_Down in the Crew Quarters…_

"Hey, Garrus!" Shepard said, greeting his friend in the main battery. "Have time in your calibrations for me?"

"Considering you helped me deal with a major turning point in my life that would've otherwise scarred me… I think so, sure."

Shepard sat down.

"You know, Turians don't prepare for high-risk operations like humans do."

"High Risk? Garrus, we broke intergalactal law during Saren's operation."

"True, true. But that was quick: Land on Ilos, get a valuable plot device, go through an ancient gateway, you know. The works. But this, this seems like a whole 'nother adventure."

Shepard leaned in. "Speak plain with me, Garrus. What are our chances?"

"Well… we're gonna lose people, if we're underprepared. Damage to the ship seems unavoidable. And honestly, a lot of us side characters might not make it. I mean, you've got Main Character Status, so chances are you'll make it. But the rest of us? Might as well enjoy what little time we have."

"So, how do Turians prepare for high risk operations?"

"Full-contact sparring, mostly. I remember, me and this recon scout were at each other's throats for the longest time. Finally, we decided to settle it in the ring. After nine grueling rounds, still hadn't decided the match. I had reach, but she had flexibility. Finally, we decided to hold a tie-breaker in my quarters. I had reach but… she had flexibility. Get it? I had reach but she had flexibility. I had reach-"

Shepard nodded. "I get it! It was an innuendo. Well, if you're interested, I think Yeoman Chambers finds you attractive."

"Nah, not my type. Besides. Calibrations. Still, thanks Shepard."

"Anytime."

The Commander then went into the life support area, finding Thane, somewhat at peace.

"Hey, Thane!"

"Shepard. I was just recording a message for Kolyat."

"How are things going between the two of you?" He asked.

"Better than I expected. Kolyat is hesitant, that is to be expected, but he listens. I imagine it was a bit of surprise finding about my wife like that…"

Shepard shrugged. "I sort of figured it out halfway."

"When I was with my wife, she… woke me from my battle-sleep. I found purpose in the galaxy, rather than killing. But, Batarian Slavers came and killed her, attempting to get to me. I was taught to grant death swiftly, but for them, I made them suffer."

The Commander scratched his head. "Didn't you say your body would've done it, not your soul. I'm getting confused with all the contradictions."

"Perhaps. May I confess something to you?"

"Oh! Umm… you're really not my type-"

"I meant about my past. I'm flattered, but to use your term, 'you're not my type either'."

The Commander sighed. "Alright, go on."

"When I killed Nassana, I planned to die that day. Walking out the front door of Danius towers would've been a suitable death. But, someone came in, pushing for the target. It was you, and I have to thank you for that."

"Hey, it's what I do. I'm glad to have you onboard, Thane."

"Happy to be aboard." The Drell Assassin said.

Shepard then walked over to the Observatory, seeing Samara with a troubled look on her face.

"You okay, Samara?" he asked.

"Shepard, I have need of your assistance. The ship's name I asked you to look into? I traced its docking point. I am almost certain; my fugitive is on Omega."

"So, this is the Apricot Bugsby."

"No, it's 'Ardat-Yakshi'."

"For that Yak She." Shepard said.

"Okay, say it with me slowly. Ardat"

"Ardat." He repeated.

"Yakshi."

"Yakshi."

"Ardat-Yakshi."

"Arthur Bigsby!"

"…Anyway, she's on Omega and we must find her before she strikes again."

"Right! I'll tell Joker."

Just when about he was about to leave, Samara spoke up. "Shepard. This demon is my daughter."

After doing a quick heel-face turn, he met Samara. "Okay, that requires a bit of an explanation."

"When I was young, I was promiscuous as other Asari. Then, I settled down, raised a family… only to discover all three of my daughters were Ardat-Yakshi."

"Three? We have to find 2 more?" Shepard asked.

"No. The others knew their place and were kept hidden, isolated. But the smartest and bravest of my daughters, Morinth, rebelled. She has been on the run, ever since."

"What is an Arcot Magshi anyway?"

Samara sighed. "They are predators of the night, praying on those using their promiscuity. However, once mated, they overload their victims nervous system and leave behind a shell of them."

Shepard blinked several times.

"They have sex with you and die." Samara put bluntly.

"Hmm. Might as well call it Sharon Stone Syndrome. Alright, we'll get to Omega as soon as possible!"

"Thank you." Samara said, resuming her meditation as Shepard took one more trip to the Engineering Deck. After going downstairs, he saw Jack looking disgruntled per usual. He went to her, curious.

"Fuck off, Shepard!" Jack said.

"Talk to me, Jack."

"Why? I'm not interested in some dumb-shit love affair. It never goes right."

"C'mon, Jack! This is your big chance! You're reveal that shows that you're more than a potty-mouthed rebel but have real emotions and a history and whatnot!"

"And lose my hard-as-nails rep? Like hell!"

"Fine then! You give me no choice." Shepard said, opening up his omni-tool.

"What are you doing?"

"Just looking up some fanfiction. Oooh! There's a Varric/Fenris fic! And it's not even a parody."

"Alright, alright, alright!" Jack sighed. "Mertock, a guy, used me like the rest: for sex, for biotics. It was fun, then he ruined everything. We tagged a weapons frigate with a Batarian escort and got separated. He had a choice: leave with the pirated DVD's or come back for me. Idiot dumped the score and waded into the squints. I made the shuttle, but no way he was getting out."

"And?"

"I fly for a day or so, then the shuttle kicks out this recording. He set it play, in case he hadn't checked in. Figured it would mean he was dead. Talked about the future we were supposed to have, talked about how he set us up a home, how he… loved me and was sorry it wasn't going to happen."

"Jack…"

"Don't feel sorry for me! Idiot did this to himself. You feel, you get sloppy, it's that damn simple. He found out and you'll find out."

"But you would've died."

"So what? You ever see me flinch? Fuckin' on and off switch. But this… it's like those Husks that bury underneath you and never stop crawling."

"Jack, I can't fix this…"

"Told you we wouldn't work."

"But that doesn't mean I'm not willing to be with you."

"Are you nuts?"

"High praise, coming from you."

"No, seriously, what the fuck?" Jack said.

"I dunno. I think there's more to you that's all. Sure, you can be angry Jack, but I think there's another side of you. If you need time, I'll give it to you. Just… try."

The Biotic shook her head. "You know people are just going to laugh at you? What about your rep?"

"So?" Shepard said. "I'm not 4chan. I'm not the Bioware Social Network. They can't tell me who to be interested in."

"But no one likes us. No one! You're better off fucking the cheerleader or the metal head. Hell, even that Nazi Williams has a bigger ship than I do. Face it; we're the lowest ship of the fandom."

"Even lower than the Femshep/Jacob fans?"

Jack paused for a moment.

"Well… no! No ship is that low!"

"**Then what are you afraid of?"** Shepard chuckled.

"I want this." He said, holding her hands.

"I want you."

"I… don't know. Give me some time. Goddammit."

Shepard waited, as if he were told to wait for candy.

"What about now?"

"I said –LEAVE!" Jack said, biotically tossing him on his rear.

"Right. To Omega, then. Ow!"

* * *

_Omega…_

Shepard walked out with Samara and Jack following his tail.

"_Given the crime on Omega, it is impossible to track down one Asari. However, given the infamy of Ardat-Yakshi among asari, Aria T'lok would most likely know where to find her." _

"Alright, then. Samara, you ready?" Shepard asked.

The Justicar nodded. "I have been ready for the longest time."

The trio entered though Afterlife, seeing Aria being rather extravagant per usual.

"Aria, I need your help." Shepard said. "There's a Car dot zagshi on the loose and we need to find her."

"I assume you mean 'Ardat-Yakshi' and I may have some information about it." Aria responded.

"Good, then-"

"Not so fast! I want 'payment' first." She said, finally gotten wise.

"Oh, lemme see… I just happen to have this dossier from the mercenary base with your name on it…" Shepard commented.

"You do? Lemme see!"

"Nuh uh huh! Information first!" The Commander said, raising the dossier above Aria's reach.

"Fine! There have been reports of a girl dying of a brain tumor in an apartment near here. Chances are it was her last victim. Now lemme have it!"

Shepard tossed the datapad to her as she read it.

"Hmm. This 'payment' method has a lot of perks. You! Find out where the leak is, and pay me some credits, goddammit!"

Shepard and co. looked at each other and shrugged. They quickly headed to the apartments only to find an old woman, rather anguished by her loss.

"Are you here about my Nef?"

"Yes, ma'am." Shepard said. "Are you her mother?"

"I am… my poor Nef! She was seeing someone and suddenly she died. How does someone that young die of a brain tumor?"

"You're on Fuckin' Omega!" Jack said. "Just being here makes you more likely to grow a third arm!"

"Jack!" Shepard shushed. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Now who's going to take care of me when I grow of age? You expect Omega to take care of its senior citizens? Oh, lord. I just, I just-"

Shepard suddenly used his Paragon Interrupt to comfort the poor woman.

"There, there. I'm going to find out who did this to your daughter and bring them to justice."

Nef's mother nodded, and then gave a sad sigh.

"May we search your daughter's room. It could mean the world of difference on catching the criminal."

She nodded, allowing Shepard and others to search the room. When they entered, they found an array of art items around.

"Somebody appreciates the starving artist…" Shepard commented.

"It is Morinth's way. She loves those with fascination of sculptures, paintings. It adds to her soul."

Shepard found a recording and listened to it.

"_I got into the VIP's room with Jeruut's name. It was so much better than I expected! The drinks are cheaper, the DJ's are better and I can feel less radiation here! But best of all, I met this Asari. She's so wonderful and magnificent, like there's a hunger in her eyes. I want to be with her, and join her and do all sorts of nasty shit with her. If we take some Hallex, I'm get the feeling I'm gonna have a good time…"_

Shepard turned off the recording and turned to Samara. "Well, looks like we've found her."

"Yes, but this presents a most complicated situation. Morinth is many things: a whore, a user, a good-for-nothing daughter who disrespects her mother while she's trying to save the galaxy as she-"

"Uhh… Samara?" Shepard said.

"Sorry. But she isn't dumb. She has stalked the VIP, because she will have many exits if she sees trouble. Shepard, you must go in alone, lure Morinth out so that I may trap her."

Shepard paused for a bit. "Umm… you do realize we share the company of several super biotics, 2 skilled snipers and a super Krogan with an over powered shotgun, right?"

Samara shook her head. "If Morinth sees you with guns and allies, she will simply run away. We have to be subtle about this…"

The Commander sighed. "Why do I have to be bait in all of this? Can't Miranda do it?"

"Too narcissistic."

"How about Jacob?"

"Who?" Samara replied.

"Jack?"

Samara just glared at Shepard.

"What? Bald is beautiful."

Jack screamed. "It's not bald, dipshit; it's shaved!"

"Okay, how about Garrus?"

"A vigilante who doesn't play by the rules? Not Morinth's type."

"Grunt?"

"Neither are Krogan."

"Mordin?"

"By the time he finishes his first sentence, she will have already lost interest."

"Fine. How about Zaeed?"

"We need someone… audible."

"Kasumi?"

"She might sell me out."

"Thane?"

"Too brooding."

"Tali?"

"Look, do you want my loyalty or not?"

"Fine!" Shepard said, going towards the location of the VIP room.

"Lure Morinth into a false sense of security. Into her apartment. When that time comes, I will rescue you Shepard."

"You'd better. Otherwise, this is going to be a pretty short game…"

* * *

_Afterlife VIP…_

Shepard, dressed in his Captain's recreation clothes enters the bar, but first chats with Samara behind a couple of inconspicuous crates.

"Shepard, are you ready for this?"

"Ready as I'll ever be. How do I find her?"

"Use random acts of bravado and chest-pounding. That will get her attention. When you do, chat her up. But don't mention me or Justicars. Engage her in her interests: art and drugs. And Shepard. Be careful. If we lose her, I may not see her for another 100 years."

Shepard nodded and entered. Along the way, he meets a rather excitable NPC with some fairly specific information.

"Hey, man! You got tickets to Expel 10?"

The Commander shook his head. "Nope, I'm a Mac user."

"Nah, man! They're a sensory band! They get in your head and rip it apart, making you feel things. Or… that could be the drugs. Anyway, if you have tickets I could pay you money and stuff. This Asari Chick's totally into them."

"Where is this 'incredible' woman?" Shepard asked.

"Dude… I don't even know where 'I' am at the moment…"

Shepard sighed and continued onwards. On the way, he sees one of the Asari employees being harassed by a Turian.

"C'mon, baby! I can show you a good time!"

"Back off, asshole! I'm a dancer, not a hooker." The Asari said.

The Turian looked at Shepard. "If you're looking for a threeway, no thanks. One sausage is enough for me."

"No means no, mister!" Shepard said, walking towards him.

"**OFF-SCREEN VIOLENCE ATTACK!**" Shepard yelled, having the Turian thrown half-way across the room by the time Shepard was done with him.

"Hey, thanks!" The Asari said, as Shepard continued on. Along the way, he noticed an Asari, dancing by herself.

"Hey, want to join?" She said.

Shepard nodded. "I should warn you; I'm kinda of an expert at this game…"

"Final Stage!" The Announcer said.

"Ready? Here we go!"

And so Shepard showed off his superior skills landing mostly perfects save for that one misstep. As such, he only earned one 'A'.

"You're pretty good!" The Asari complimented.

"Yeah, but I got nothing on that 5-year old…" Shepard said, walking away. Still not noticing any sign of killer Asari, he made one last ditch effort to win the crowd.

"Hey, how much for a round of shots for the house?" Shepard asked.

"Let's see… 5 per shot, and 200 patrons… 1200 credits!"

"Don't you mean 1000?"

"Mark-up…" The bartender said.

Then, using his superior CHARM skills, he convinces the bar owner to do otherwise.

"If you give shots for free, people will buy more beer."

"Your logic is infallible. Listen up! We're giving away free shots and it's all thanks to this guy, here!" Suddenly the whole bar cheers as Shepard walked away.

"I've been watching you…" Said a smooth voice. Shepard realized it was none other than Morinth.

"Why don't you sit by with me? We should… talk."

"Gladly." Shepard said, walking over to her side.

"Most days there's no one interesting here." Morinth said. "But you… you look good enough to eat. Why is that?"

"Is my… crotch showing?"

(**A/N:** We apologize for that joke.)

"Ha-ha!" Morinth laughed. "You are a cleaver one. But, the real question is… are we alike?"

Shepard leaned in, starting off with music. "I really dig the beats here."

"They're… tolerable. But, true artists aren't bound to seedy bars."

"Like Expel 10?" Shepard suggested.

"Exactly! They get into my mind and rip it to shreds! You know, there's other ways to enhance the experience…"

"Like Pallex?"

"Oh. I… guess."

The Commander shook himself. "I mean, Hallex!"

"Oh! Yes. That's it."

"Right. What did I say?"

"Pallex, the drug they use to treat erectile dysfunction."

Shepard chuckled to himself before silencing himself with another drink.

"You like movies?"

Morinth shrugged. "I only like obscure movies that no one's ever heard of. Have you heard of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World?"

"Sure."

"Then I don't like it."

Shepard paused. "Have you heard of a movie called Valena? Because I sure haven't."

"It's terrific! You should see it sometime."

Shepard sighed.

"You know what? I like you. Come to my apartment. I think you'll like it there…"

And so, Shepard followed Morinth to her apartment, Samara following closely behind.

* * *

_Some time later in Morinth's place…_

"Wow." The Ardat-Yakshi said. "You're really enjoying that steak…"

"You know what mothers say! Chew 100 times before you swallow!" Shepard said, sweating bullets.

"Enough food!" The Asari said, wiping the table clean. "It's time for you to take me! Or shall I take you?"

"Not until I floss!" Shepard said, running to the rest room and locking the door.

"Stupid Samara! Where is she?" Shepard said taking out his Omni-tool. However, the door broke open, seeing a lustful Morinth.

"You play hard to get. I like that."

Shepard laughed and choked back the tears he was holding back as he went and sat at Morinth's couch.

"It's good feeling safe. Do you feel safe, Shepard?"

The Commander breathed rapidly. "_Okay. I have to use my mental superiority and my CHARM here._"

"Do I feel like a heavy metal lock meant for keeping things away? I certainly do not!" Shepard chuckled.

"_Huh. Not what I had in mind, but it worked…_"

"Oh, you are funny! Tell me, don't you love it when you have the advantage?"

"Advantage? The online system you use to get discounts for your pet? Absolutely!'

"Enough with the schtick!" Morinth said. She scooted over to Shepard and opened her black eyes.

"I…hate…this…_persuasion…system…_"

"Do you love me? Worship me? Do whatever you can for me?"

"_Yes… Morinth." _

"Would you die for me? Lived, if I said you would?"

"_Yes…Morinth…"_

"Michael Bay's not that bad of a director, is he?"

"_No… Morinth…_"

"Good." The Asari smiled.

"_Especially when you've got that shithead M. Night Shyamalan still around."_

The Asari looked stunned. "That's… new."

"_I mean, really. Michael Bay's tripe has been pretty consistent. Even in the 90's when he was supposedly 'good', they were filled with enough paper thin characters and gags that would satisfy even the loneliest fratboy. 'Oh no! The guy who did the Got Milk? Ads is no longer good. Am I supposed to cry over that? But M. Night had potential. He could've went somewhere. I didn't even think Lady in the Water was 'that' bad. But, no! He had to take really good franchise, even better than Transformers, and just take a dump all over it. Screw him._"

"Okay, enough M. Night bashing!" Morinth commanded.

"_I heard Devil was surprisingly watchable._"

"It wasn't. Now, hold still! Knowing your constitution, I'll have to slow things dow-"

Suddenly, the door opened to reveal Samara, walking in.

"Dammit! I knew I should've locked that door when doing my abominable acts."

"Morinth!" Samara said, tossing her to the window.

"Leave me alone, mother!"

"Don't call me that!"

"I can't stop being your daughter, mother!" Morinth cried, tossing Samara back and creating a forcefield.

"You left me no choice!" Samara said, biotically tossing objects at the Ardat-Yakshi.

"What choice did I have? I chose freedom!" Morinth cried, tossing more objects at her.

"Ughh…" Shepard groaned. "This fightscene is awfully wordy."

"I am the genetic destiny of the Asari!" Morinth said, as she and Samara unleashed two Kamehameha waves at each other, in a blue struggle.

"Shepard! Help me finish her! I'm just as strong as she is!"

"Don't do it, Shepard! The Bioware programmers got lazy, and so that every interaction outside the ship is basically just me!"

Shepard breathed in and help Morinth's arm back.

"And they call me a monster!" Morinth said, being tossed back only to be crushed by Samara's foot.

"It… is over."

"What the hell took you so long?" Shepard cried out. "I was this close to dying with the belief Michael Bay was a good director."

"I got lost."

"Lost? This is Mass Effect 2! The Maps are about as small as you can get?"

"Well at least the developers didn't copy and paste levels like in Dragon Age 2."

Shepard paused.

"Point taken. C'mon, let's get out of here!"

(**A/N:** Will Samara be ready for the mission? How will Jack respond to Shepard's feelings? Remember when this fic was relevant? Because I sure don't!

Tune into another exciting chapter of** Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied!** )

**A/N 2:** This Chapter was a nightmare to write. Problem is that there wasn't any comedic outline I 'could' find for Samara without completely breaking character. Coming during a busy workweek and the fact that my new Alienware PC just arrived did not make things any better. Please be patient, folks. We're almost there!


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer:** The following is a non-profit based fanfiction. Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 belong to Electronic Arts, the Bioware Corporation and Drew Karpyshyn. Please support the official release.

**A/N:** We're the Naruto Abridged of fanfiction, and not the one done by LittleKuriboh!

(On a sadder note, I'm sad to see MasakoX leave NTAS. Thanks for all the great memories!)

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied**

**Chapter 18**

_SV-2 Normandy: Crew Quarters_.

Shepard was relieved to see Samara finally make peace with her estranged daughter by crushing her head. Naturally, the Commander went in to check in on her.

"Hey, Samara. How's it going?"

"I am happy to see that Morinth will no longer inflict more harm upon the galaxy. Yet, I feel a small part of me, almost saddened by her death and-"

"Conflicting feelings, yes. But, are you likely going to survive the Collectors?"

"Yes." Samara nodded.

"Good!" Shepard nodded his head. "So, I take it you're single…"

"Shepard, the last three children I had turned out to be diseased creatures that overwhelm people's nervous systems."

"…I'm not hearing a 'no'."

"No." The Justicar said, sending Shepard away. The Commander looked downtrotten only to find Zaeed and Kasumi staring at him. Then, all fears of disappointmet were replaced by a sense of tediousness.

"Aw, don't tell me I have to do you guys, too!"

"Dam' Strait!" Zaeed said. "Jus becaus I'm geddin paid millions of dollas doesn't mean I don't hav a side story too!"

"Onegai, Shepard-san!" Kasumi pleaded. "I can't do this without you! Well, I could, but it'd be so much easier with you!"

"Alright, alright! I might as well do yours, though given the history of this game, all you'll do is send me a nice e-mail in the sequel. So, who's going first?"

Zaeed and Kasumi glared at one another.

"Alright, I'm thinking of a number between 1 to 10."

"Tree!" Zaeed said.

"Four!" Kasumi shouted..

"It was three, and since I can't understand a word of Zaeed, I have to assume he concedes to Kasumi."

"Ballocks!" Zaeed said.

* * *

_Bekenstein…_

"Well, that was awkward…" Shepard said, just coming back from the wrong address.

"Hey, how was I supposed to know that it wasn't spelled H-A-W-K-E? Anyway, are you ready to be presented, Mr. Solomon Gunn?"

"Bit on the nose, isn't it?" The Commander said.

"Odd enough to stand out and get attention, but silly enough to offput any prying eyes. Here's how it's going down. Donovan Hock is throwing a big party with all the biggest crimelords, drug dealers and litterers this galaxy has ever seen. You're a guest who's up and coming and presenting a nice gold statue of your old friend, Saren. But really, this is containing all our equipment and armor for the mission, seeing as we'll be patted down to a single pistol during the party. Then, it's just a matter of finding the vault, hacking the security system and getting in. Savvy?"

"Yeah, I just have one question."

"Shoot."

"Why, Saren! Do criminals really want to see a guy who almost betrayed us to a bunch of giant cockroaches?"

Kasumi shrugged. "Crime's a tricky business, Mr. Shepard. Now, let's get going."

The two exited the shuttle and met with a security guard, scanning the statue of Saren.

"Ack, lad! Is there a problem that can't be solved with Vodka or exploiting the natives?" Hock said, as he somehow had a mix of Scottish, Russian and South African accents.

"Shepard, you okay?" Kasumi said.

"Ears… bleeding. Should be fine in a minute."

"I doubt-ah that our guests would come-ah all this way here just to cause trouble." Hock said to the guard.

"Make that Five."

"Do come in, Mr. Gunn. But your friend will have to wait outside."

"Why?" Shepard asked.

"Dress code. Unless she takes off ehr hoodie, she can't come in."

Shepard shot a look at Kasumi, who only proceded to pull on her hoodie even tighter as the Commander sighed. Hock left them as the two held a private conversation.

"What, you can't take off that thing for long enough to take care of business?"

"And show the world my true face, facing judgement to a conformist world? No way! Besides, I can just cloak and walk beside you."

Shepard paused for a moment.

"Then... why didn't you do that in the first place?"

The master thief shrugged. "Hock shouldn't know my face, just my reputation. Besides, this thing keeps running out of power, and I don't know why."

"You know what it probably is? You may have used it while you were charging it."

"Oh! That could be it. Alright, I'll keep in close contact with you, via cloak, while you try to find the safe door."

Shepard walked in, seeing the criminals enjoying themselves with drinks and appetizers. The Commander walked by slowly as he found a group of stairs leading down. He followed them, fortunately fining the safe, with a high-powered grid, several sensors and a statue of Saren, glaring at him.

"_I'm gonna melt that thing..._" Shepard grumbled.

"Say something?" Kasumi replied.

"Uhh... can you get through it?"

"Child's play. It has a power grid, a DNA scanner and a voice print. Just shut off he power, chat up our friend, Hock, and then get some DNA from his room. Let's get to it!"

Shepard walked outside, only to trip on a rouge wire.

"What was that?" He asked.

"It's a cable, connecting to the power switch! I can make it so that you can scan it with your omni-tool. Thing is... how can you trail the floor without looking suspicious?"

The main character thought for a moment until a lightbulb flashed in his head.

"Oh no! My contact lens seemed to have popped out! I will have to look for it!"

And so, Shepard, slowly traced the floor under the false pretense that he had lost a contact. How very sad. Fortunately, he had found the illusive switch, pulled it and successfully shut off the power.

"Good work, Shep. Thing is, we need to find out the password in order to get through the voice lock."

The commander looked a random door. "Hey, where does that lead to?"

"The security office, of course! We can just go in, cause an 'accident' and find the password!"

"Couldn't you just sneak in, grab the phrase and come back, undectected?" Shepard asked.

"Nope. Too easy and convienant. Bioware wants us to do this the hard way!" The Commander shrugged, met Kasumi inside and armed their pistols. They went in, had a rather noisy gunfight and found the password.

"Peruggia. That's a six dollar word if I ever saw one."

"Name of the man who stole the Mona Lisa. And all we gotta do is get Hock to let off some of that hot air and we'll be golden."

Shepard went outside and sighed. He immediately spotted a red splotch on his white undershirt and thought quickly.

"I... uhh... spilled some ketchup. I'll get my servant to clean it up when I get home."

The Normandy's Commander found Hock rather enjoying himself amongst his guests.

"Okay, Shep. All we need to do is get Hock to say a bunch of words, and I can use my omni-tool to link them together."

"Right." He said, walking towards the enemy in question.

"Mr. Gunn. Please-ah accept-ah my apologies. As you see, we have a very strict policy on who we let in."

"It's fine. Umm... can you introduce me to some of your guests?"

The crime boss nodded. "Certainly. This man once annihilated a human settlement and sold the planet to Batarians. And this one peddles the puriest Red Sand and allows children to sell it. And finally, we have the two most despicable men I've ever met."

"What'd they do?"

"Not what they did as what they're going to do. They're producing Mass Effect: The Motion Picture!"

The producer turned away and talked into his Omni-tool.

"What? No, it doesn't matter who we cast as Commander Shepard! Yes, Keanu Reeves will do just fine."

Shepard shrugged at this prospect, but concentrated on Hock. "So, evil deeds must really inspire you. Care to make a speech?"

"Not really." Hock said.

"_Kinda need a few more lines, Shep._" Kasumi said.

"So, how about them Knicks...?" The Commander prompted.

"I don't really watch sports..." Hock shrugged as Shepard looked sort of frantically.

"_C'mon Shep!_"

"I got it. HocksaysPeruggia!"

"Peruggia?" Hock said, confused.

"Oh, nothing!"

Shepard walked around a while, only to find a datapad lying inconspicously on a porch. He looked through it, only to find some intertesting information.

"_Chief Roe's having her 'time of the month', don't piss her off._"

"_Chief Roe, huh? I have an idea. Go to Hock's room and say you're on her authority to enter."_

Shepard went to the other side, and met the security guard.

"I have to go in."

"Says who?" The guard said, accusingly.

"Chief Roe."

"Hang on. Chief, I got some upstart who says he has to come in."

Kasumi, intercepting the transmission, responded. "Dammit, Daniels! Let him in otherwise, I'm going to have you guarding the portajohns for the next month! Do I make myself clear!"

"Y-yes, Ma'am! Alright, you can go in, but be quick..."

Shepard simply stared at Kasumi, once they were deep inside the room.

"What? I'm a woman, too, y'know."

The commander shrugged as they investigated the room.

"Find anything that might have Hock's DNA sample on it."

The two scoured the room, looking under every rock for anything vaguely relevant.

"Will this plant do?"

"Shepard… it's a plant." Kasumi sighed.

Shepard continued on, finding various things such as dirty swords and datapads that were possible leads. Kasumi, however, found herself dismayed at the lack of a solid DNA evidence and had to piece them together. Just as she was about to give up, the Commander came running in and showed a used tissue.

"Kasumi, we hit the Jackpot! I found a tissue that Hock blowed his nose in. Boy, does this stink."

The thief took the sample and scanned it with her omni-tool.

"Shep, its more than enough to for our DNA, but… this ain't mucus."

"What, then what is it… Oh…"

The two stood silently and awkwardly.

"I'm going to wash my hands." Shepard said.

"Meet me by the vault when you're done."

After what was a Howard Hughes inspired cleaning sequence, Shepard met with Kasumi halfway to unlocking the vault. As he waited eagerly for her to finish, he kept staring at the golden Turian traitor statue that almost seemed lifelike.

"_I really need to melt that thing. Maybe with the Normandy's guns? No, too distant. Jacob's biotics? No._"

"I'm in! Shep, get dressed to kill while I take care of the security cameras."

The two did their respective tasks, and soon waited together in an elevator. What was eventually, several Yu-gi-oh games and a Pokemon battle, the two exited out of the elevator, mired in debate.

"I'm telling you that Garchomp is banned from the Overused tier."

"And I'm telling you, voting is still in progress and hold on. I'm getting readings from the Greybox about the anime stash. Use this beeping device, that in no way has been already used in other media, in order to track it down."

The two ventured for a while, only to pass by several artifacts and statues. (Fortunately, Shepard had the foresight to bring his camera along). However, they didn't make it close to the statue until very later on.

"Hmm… an 'ogre'." Kasumi said.

"Personally, I prefer the original design."

"Everybody's a critic… Hold on. I see it."

The Commander came in close. "The stash?"

"Better, the stash AND the Kassa Locust. This thing killed two presidents. More accurate than the Tempest, they say."

"I'm more accurate with a toilet bowl than the Tempest at all!" Shepard replied.

"Har, har, Commander."

"I'm afraid this is no laughing matter, Ms. Goto!" The two looked up in horror to find Donovan Hock projecting a giant hologram of his face, looking directly at the two theives.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Kasumi started "the Krispy Kreme, diet! Now, it goes to your head instead of your thighs!"

"Very funneh." Hock said.

"I've got a million of them! There's no place like Home, there's no place like Home, there's no place like Home."

"Very amusing, but it won't-"

"Here's Donny!" The thief said, continuing her tirade.

"Are you going to let me finis-"

"I knew they said he was full of hot air, but this is ridiculous!"

"ENOUGH!" Hock's voice boomed. "You may have gotten this far, but your jorneh ends here. I will finally be able to proclaim to the world that I finally killed the illusive Kasumi Goto and-"

"Is the safety on in this thing?" Shepard muttered, only to accidentally set up a Renegade Interrupt, destroying a precious statue.

"Oops."

"GAHH! Enough of this, Chief Roe, dispose of these thieves!"

Shepard and Kasumi took cover. However, since Shepard had maxed out and upgraded Kasumi's shadow strike, he basically spammed that for the whole fight. (Because that's called "improved gameplay".) The two continued to head out and fight their way through the squadron of mercs, blocking them from the Normandy shuttle. Their exits were cut off, more mercinaries continued to flood through the gateway, and Shepard's anti-persparient was wearing off.

"A door! We need to punch through it!"

"Got it!" Shepard said, pulling out the the McCain 9000!

"Isn't it the "M-920 Cain?"

(**A/N: **...Shut up!)

Shepard unleashed his massive weapon, killing a majority of the enemies, and knocking out Kasumi in the process. However, the massive door remained intact.

"What? The nuclear charge didn't even stratch it? How?"

Kasumi pointed at the tank. "Because nothing is stronger than the plot convieniant weapon. Not even the strongest weapon in the game!"

"This is rediculous..." The Commander muttered as he fired the plot cannon and headed through.

"Have you-ah told him what you're doing this for Kasumi? Love? I got rid-ah your boy-toy and now you want revenge?"

Kasumi writhed. "...You bastard! How dare you talk about Keiji that way!"

"Can we please wait until we're out of fire to have banters of dialogue? This is somewhat distressing!"

The two managed to finally to slaughter the entirety of the merc army. They were scot-free, until a giant gunship piloted by Hock came in after them.

"Free the power of my brand new gunship! With replenisble skills, a gataling gun and missle launcher!"

Shepard looked at his measley locust.

"Don't worry, Shep." Kasumi patted. "Size doesn't matter. It's firepower."

The two realized the gunship had considerable firepower and took cover.

"If that thing has replenishble shields, what now?" Shepard screamed, taking out as many mercs as he could.

"Take out the mercs. I should have a clear shot of his ship!"

The commander does so, leaving Kasumi to do an inspired Spider-man sequence and leap onto the ship, disabling its sheilds."

"Great! Now all you have to do is take out its armor."

Shepard paused. "Wait, what?"

"I just took out its sheilds."

"Why didn't you take care of the gunship if you were up there?"

"Plot." She shrugged as Shepard took cover and fired at the ship. Slowly. Until it eventually exploded with Hock in it. (Because apparently, Hock decided it was more safer in the gunship the two theives were firing at). Shepard and Kasumi finally entered the shuttle, heading back to the Normandy. Kasumi finally had the Greybox and began to unlock it.

"Hey, just out of curiosity, how did Keiji keep Hock from unlocking it?

"15 Letter Captcha."

Shepard paused. "That's not very effective..."

"Really, try to open it, then." Kasumi offered.

"Wait... if the letters are upside down, should I put them rightside up?"

"Told ya." The theif said, finally unlocking the memories... of Sailor Moon subtitled.

"_Kasumi. If you're watching this, then I'm probably dead. Or we had an angry break-up and stole this from me. The former being the most likely, I know you'll want to the memories of us enjoying the way Sailor Moon was meant to be seen forever. And the memories of us cosplaying as Usagi and Tuxedo Mask, and "being held prisoner", that was hot."_

"Too much information!" Shepard said, covering his ears.

_"But, this data is too big. If people found out about this, they could blame the Alliance for some inexplicable reason or another. So, I need you to destory it._"

"Iie! (No!)" Kasumi said.

"But know this, you won't need some greybox to remember all the precious times we had together. I love you, and I always will. Sayonara, kanojou"

Shepard turned off the transmission.

"Lemme guess, we can't destroy one without destroying the other."

"Hai." Kasumi sniffed. "Keiji was too smart not to have that."

"Well, you'll always have your memories of him... unless the onset of old age leaves your mind in a state of dementia. I'm sorry, I'm not helping, am I?

Kasumi stood silent.

"Oh, what the hey! We'll keep the memories!" Shepard said.

"Arigato, Shepard-san! Let's go home!"

(**A/N:** What adventure awaits Shepard as he helps Zaeed Massani? How long can he keep putting off aquiring the Reaper IFF? Why are you still reading this?

FInd out the answers to most of these questions in the next exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied"!)

(**A/N 2:** I am so sorry! I got caught up playing with my new gaming laptop and things just... slipped out of hand. Don't worry; I will finish off this fanfic one way or the other (even if I have to abridge the rest of it prior to the Suicide Mission) but I will try to finish it.

I'm sorry if I caused any mass grief or impatience among you fine reviewers.)


	19. Launch Suicide Mission

(**Disclaimer:** The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. I do not own or claim to own the property known as Mass Effect. Mass Effect is copyrighted to the Bioware Corporation, Microsoft Studios, Electronic Arts and Drew Karpyshyn. Please support the official release. Any real life mentions were done purely for poking fun.)

"Commander?" Jacob said, walking up to Shepard, who appeared to not have slept/eaten/used the facilities for a while.

"It's been… 5 months since you've done anything. Don't you think the Collectors are a pressing matter?"

"Quiet, Mr. Taylor. I'm griefing!" Shepard said, killing a lvl 20 Jedi Knight with his Centurion.

"Commander, that game was only released a month ago. What else were you doing?"

Shepard sat back and thought of the potential things he could do right now.

-(Do as Jacob says and get back to work)

-(Ignore Jacob)

**-(Shock Jacob)**

The Commander turned around and cast some Force Lightning at the Lieutenant.

"What the-? Sir, how did you just do that?"

"All hail Darth Nox, baby."

**Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that Needed to be Parodied**

**Finale: Suicide Mission**

(**A/N:** Because you're still reading this crap and not playing TOR. Here's a bunch of jokes I didn't use, in no particular order.)

_Flotilla Mission_

Commander Shepard, Tali and Legion spot a Quarian Corpse on the ground.

"Ah! A dead body. Time to do the only natural thing: loot the corpse."

"Father!" Tali yelled, running to him.

"Um…uh, what I meant to say was… check for a pulse!" The commander retracted.

* * *

_Engineering Deck…_

"What's wrong with Engineer Daniels?" Shepard asked Donnelly, when he saw said engineer holding her head and rocking back and forth.

"Oh. She got through the Old Republic Beta. She didn't take it very well…"

"That animation. That voice acting. That dialogue tree." She muttered to herself.

"Hmm. Different strokes for different folks?" Shepard shrugged.

"Why does Revan sound like Kyle Katarn?"

* * *

_Collector Ambush…_

"_Jeff, I need you to release my AI and allow me control of the Normandy."_

"Why are you telling me?" Joker said, panicking.

"_While we have had our differences in the past, I feel this dire situation will-_"

"No, I mean why are you telling the guy with the weak bones this instead of the 10 other engineers who are for some reason fighting right now!"

* * *

_Engineering Deck…_

"Shepard, my people only go outside our suits for those… closest to us." Tali said.

"Huh, you learn something new everyday. Well, see you late-"

"You want to fool around?"

Shepard was stunned. "You mean- but I'm already in something with Jack. Unless…"

"Shepard, I'm risking enough by going outside my suit. Do you really think I'll last 10 seconds in a threesome with **Jack**?"

"Point taken." The Commander said.

"Look, if you don't pick me, that's fine. Just for the love of Kee'lah, wear a condom!"

* * *

_Heretic Base…_

"Engaging the enemy!" Shepard said, under fire.

"We have to-" Suddenly, he saw a flurry of sniper shots and to his surprise, the enemies were all dead.

"Legion! Did you do all that?"

"_Affirmative. This mobile unit reports a 98.73 percent accuracy rate with +1/-1 error margin."_

Shepard turned to Tali. "We're keeping him."

"No!" The Quarian replied.

"Yes, we are."

* * *

_Mordin's Office…_

"Shepard. Noticed you and Jack becoming very close. Recommend padded walls and overall braces to protect yourself."

"Thanks, Mordin." Shepard said dejectedly. "You got any other brilliant advice?"

"Wear Condom!"

* * *

(**A/N:** And now, to our feature presentation.)

Shepard started up the game.

**Please select your mode:**

-Action Mode: The shooter but with random dialogue choices. Which pretty much nulls the point of playing a Bioware game.

-RPG Mode: The actual Game.

-Story Mode: The game on wheels where the only thing you do is pick dialogue trees. This is a new feature so all those hours you spent playing on Insanity mean squat.

Shepard groaned. He picked RPG Mode.

**Please select your Playing difficulty**

-Insanity

-Hardcore

-Veteran

-Normal

-Casual

-Narrative

Shepard groaned again and picked Veteran.

**Welcome to Mass Effect 2. For 800 Microsoft points you can purchase-**

"I have a shotgun." The commander said. The game went silent and proceeded as planned.

Shepard sighed. He had never seen the crew so empty before. He had missed the various voices around: Dr. Chakwas moaning over the latest Tarantino film, Engineers Donelly and Daniels arguing whether Fable was playable or not and that particular character voiced specifically by Steven Jay Blum (Aside from Grunt, Oghren, that guy from the tutorial level, etc.). He walked around, nervous. They had the IFF in hand, but had to make a run that no one ever came back from.

"Well, better check my Social Links…" Shepard said, opening up the menu.

**Jacob Taylor: Max**

**Grunt: Max**

**Garrus Vakarian: Max**

**Tali Zorah Nar Rayya 'vas Quip Quip: Max**

**Jack: Max**

**Thane Krios: Max**

**Mordin Solus: Max**

**Samara: Max**

**Legion: Max**

**Kasumi Goto: Max**

**Zaeed: Max**

**Miranda Lawson: Reverse**

"Freakin' Summer Vacation…" Shepard muttered under his breath. Slowly, but surely he found himself outside of Miranda's room. He knocked on the door and was let in.

"What do you want?" The Cerberus Operative said coldly.

"Miranda, let's talk…" Shepard said calmly.

"Let's not. Why don't you chat up your buddy Jack and have a litter?"

The Commander winced.

"Ok, maybe I deserved that."

"Not maybe. Certainly." Miranda said, not looking up from her terminal.

Shepard breathed in. He took a time-out, gathered all of his CHARM and let Miranda have it.

"Ok, listen here missy!" He said, staring down Ms. Lawson. "Here's how it's going to go. Either we take my apology, accept it and be on your merry way, or you're going to die, not have a cameo in the next game, not be given a substantial paycheck and be replaced by a writer from IGN!"

"You wouldn't dare…" The Cerberus Operative said, looking more disgruntled as usual.

Shepard opened up his omni-tool, started to dial in a number and-

"On second thought…" Miranda said, exasperated. "Maybe, we should let bygones be bygones."

"I agree completely." Shepard said, putting away his Omni-tool. "So, you want to-"

"Don't push your luck on that threesome, Mister."

"Rats."

* * *

_The CIC…_

Shepard stepped up to the platform and hit the galaxy map. He breathed in deeply and accessed piloted the mini-Normandy to the Mini-Omega 4 Relay.

"_Plotting Course for Omega-4 Relay. Be Advised: Once we begin moving towards it, there is little chance we will be making it back. Are you sure?" _

"No time to waste, EDI." Shepard said defiantly. "The crew needs saving."

"_Plotting course for Omega 4 relay now."_ Joker said over the intercom. "_ETA about 2 hours. I'll let you know when we arrive…"_

"2 hours?" Shepard repeated. "Can't we go faster?"

"_Umm… Commander? Do you want to go faster to our imminent deaths?"_

"Point taken."

Shepard retired to his quarters and sighed. He took a deep, long gaze at his room, thinking he might not see it every again.

"Well, this might be my last moments alive. Time to play some Karaoke!"

* * *

_Enough time for Shepard to get comfortable. Let's say… 1 hour later._

Jack opened the door to Shepard's room.

"Shepard, I-" Jack stopped in mid-sentence to see Shepard, in his boxers, singing along to Glee.

"_Just a small town girl! Living in a lonely worl-"_ Shepard paused and turned off the Wii.

"Jack! What are you doing here!"

"Goddaammit…" Jack whispered under her breath. "I'm in love with a pussy."

"What was that?"

"I mean-Shepard, I just came here and thought about what you said."

Shepard stared at Jack, seeing her eyes well up. If he didn't know any better, he would've assumed she was on the verge of tears.

"Maybe, I 'could' have something more…. With you…"

"Jack," Shepard said, scratching the back of his head. "I care for you, but I keep hearing mixed messages from you. You said no the first time and now, you're here. How am I supposed to know if you're being honest or not?"

"Look, I know." The Biotic said, sighing. "But, I want to change, even if I'm not the easiest person to deal with…"

"Okay." Shepard said, opening an arm. Jack steps back, afraid.

"I'm not going to cry…" She said, fighting the urge with every fiber of her being.

"Jack, it's okay." The Commander replied.

"No, you don't understand. That girl at Omega sold me some cheap-ass mascara and if I go, it's going to run-"

However, tears fell from her staining black ink over her soft face.

"Shit!"

"Hey, come here," Shepard said, holding her tight and embracing her.

What followed could only be described as passionate lovemaking. Slowly, gently, Shepard laid her down on his mattress. Intricate kisses exchanged between the two of them, Jack's tears slowly drying up. For all the effort Jack put up to make her seem repulsive, Shepard couldn't think anything close to the thought. What was an eternity of rocking back and for and passionate sighs, the two cradled each other in their arms. The Commander saw the Convict smile for a moment. For once, the loom of the Reapers, the Collectors and everything else seemed far off and away…

(**A/N:** Crap. Quick do something funny!)

"Huh?" Shepard said, pulling out something under the sheets.

"What the hell?" Jack said, seeing what Shepard pulled out to be a rubber chicken.

"So, that's where I left that thing…"

* * *

_Far off and safe in the Illusive Man's fortress…_

Martin Sheen sat and smoked a cigarette when Shepard called in.

"Shepard, I'm glad you're here. How do you feel?"

"Like I need a drink…" The Commander said. "But, I'm ready."

"Despite the danger, it's a great opportunity! You're going where few men have gone and hopefully, you'll come back."

The commander stared at him, "You do realize how easy it is for YOU to say that?"

"Semantics. Despite what you think of me Shepard, know that I appreciate the sacrifice you're about to do for humanity. Godspeed and good luck."

"_Prick…_" Shepard whispered under his breath.

And so, the team held their breath as Joker piloted the Normandy towards the Omega-4 Relay.

"Approaching now, Commander." Joker said.

"Let's make it happen." Shepard sighed as the ship steered toward it.

"Commander," Jacob said through his com device. "Core just lit up like a Christmas Tree. It's going to get rough."

"Everyone!" Shepard yelled. "This is it!"

"Commander, I think we should've upgraded the ship some more. You never know what kind of dangers we might face..."

"Oh, Mr. Taylor, you're exaggerating." The Commander said. "I mean, what's going to happen: some random enemies are going to pop up?"

"We got incoming bogeys!" Joker said over the com channel.

"Then those enemies are going to attack us at a weird angle because we haven't invented turrets on ships in this universe?"

"They're hitting us hard!" Joker yelled.

"And then, by some random fate of action, they hit the one person who isn't even supposed to be on deck in this situation?"

"Jack's dead." Miranda said, after an explosion in the back.

"Wait, what?" SHepard said, only to see Jack's charred corpse in the corner.

"**Nooooooooooooooooo!"** The commander said, giving his best James Earl Jones impression. "She can't be dead! Quick, do something! Anything!"

"Nope, I checked." Miranda said. "Dead as the old Bioware."

"This is the future! You can't dump her into Medi-gel? You revived me, can't you do it with her?"

"No, that would make too much sense and cost too much money."

"You're just jealous because I picked her over you!" Shepard cried, cradling the body.

"Well, there's nothing we can do-"

"No." Shepard said, opening up the Dashboard.

**Would you like to exit to Xbox Home?**

**-Yes**

-No

"Shepard, what are you doing?" Miranda said.

"Cheating!"

* * *

_Back 2 Miraculous Hours ago…_

Jack came in, her eyes welling with tears. She spotted Shepard, wearing a perfect white Tuxedo, a rose in his teeth and Katy Perry't Teenage Dream playing in the background.

"You reset the game… for me?" Jack said, touched.

"And, babe. I'd do it all over again, too."

(**A/N:** The rest of the scenes have been abridged…)

_Later…_

"Commander, I think we're ready to go through the Relay now." Jacob said.

Shepard shrugged. "I understand the new armor, the new shields and that new cannon Garrus was working on, but why the new stereo system?"

Jacob coughed, "So we can get **the Mass Effect 2 Soundtrack** now only 17.98 USD on !"

"We're such whores…" Shepard sighed, as they replayed the Relay scenario once more.

"Here we go!" Joker said.

"You know, I feel like we're forgetting something…" Shepard said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Hang on tight!"

"Oh my god! I forgot to strap in my seatbelt!" Shepard said, standing up. Just then, Joker pulled up causing a majority of the crew members to stumble around, willy-nilly. As the Normandy, ducked and weaved against the fighters, the same attack happened, only Jack was well protected against it, with her several padded walls… and football helmet… and various other protective body gear.

Joker ducked and weaved through the debris, the enemy drones while Shepard and crew waddled and tossed throughout the ship.

"This wouldn't nearly be as dramatic if we were sitting at the dozens of open seats!" Shepard cried.

"Commander, we have an invader inside. You'll have to shoot it!" Joker said.

So, Shepard, admist all the chaos and tossing mind you, picked a squad of Miranda and Legion to fight off a giant eyeball that shoots lazers.

"Spam Warp and Warp ammo!" Shepard commanded as the boss seemed to duck and weave everwhere.

"We're halfway ther-"

"_Commander!"_ Joker said through the com. "_I can't keep this up. I'm going to have to take evasive maneuvers."_

Joker drove the Normandy through the debris field.

"_Jeff,_" EDI said. _"Our shields are not designed to handle debris that size._"

"Well, it's a good thing we _**upgraded…**_**" **Joker said, very unsubtley. As many of the drones crashed, the Normandy made impact with dozens of space trash from the Reapers. They held on as Kasumi was kept safe.

"What's our status, EDI?" Joker said, sighing.

"_Shields holding. I sense no damage. However, there is still that enemy below the bridge."_

"That thing again. Shepard's gonna have to deal with-"

"It's dead!" Shepard said.

"_Good, come up to the deck. You'll want to see this."_ Miranda said through her mic.

"_Miranda… I'm standing right next to you…"_ Shepard replied.

"_Oh. Well… this is awkward."_

So, after the crew came upstairs, Shepard, Miranda and Joker spotted the Reaper base, off at a distance.

"There it is." Miranda said, awed.

"Uh-oh, looks like we have some company from an old friend." Joker said, staring at the Collector ship that came back.

"That's it! Joker, ready the main gun. It's time to show them our secret weapon…" The Commander said.

Joker pushed a button as the battery came to life.

"HADOKEN!" The machine said as it fired a powerful shot that tore open a good part of the Collector vessel.

"How do you like that you sons of bitches?" Joker cried, throwing up his best ganster pose.

"Finish it off!" Shepard yelled. Joker fired another shot.

"AE…DU…CAN!" The cry came and finished off the Collecter ship, but not before they were caught by the ensuing explosion.

"Watch out!" Miranda said, as the Normandy spun out of control.

"_Warning: Shields failing and hull breach. Crash imminent."_ EDI said as the ship slid across the vessel, many of its systems damaged.

"Ohh…" Shepard cried out. "Everyone ok?"

"I think I broke a rib. Or all of them…" Joker cried out.

"_Shepard, the ship is broken to almost beyond repair. Likelihood of making it out, 1000000:1._"

"We all knew this would be a one-way trip…" Miranda said, sighing.

"Ms. Lawson. It ain't over 'til it's over." Shepard replied.

"Glad he's in charge. Orders?"

Shepard sighed. "Joker, try to get the ship… flyable. Miranda, assemble the minions."

"Please stop saying that and get your speech ready."

"Speech?"

* * *

_Later, in the conference room…_

The Normandy's soldiers lock and loaded their guns. They prepared for battle as Shepard stepped forward.

"This isn't what we planned. EDI, what's our next step?"

"_You'll need to fight your way over to these blast doors over here. I detect a number of lifesigns over there._"

"Then that's where the crew is." Shepard said.

"No good. See these doors? They'll block our way in." Miranda stated.

Shepard stared at the map. "Maybe we could use this ventilation shaft here."

"Looks like a Suicide mission…" Jacob said. "I volunteer."

"While I appreciate your enthusiasm, Jason…"

"Jacob."

"Whatever; point is you need someone with technical skills to get the doors open. Shepard, who do you-"

"Tali."

"That was quick." Miranda said.

"She's a Quarian. Why wouldn't I pick her? So, we'll need to fight to the doors then."

"Sadly, the game only allows you to be with 2 squadmates at a time. Shepard, pick a leader for the 2nd fire team."

The Commander thought. "I think Jack could-"

"No." Miranda said, abruptly.

"Ok, then I guess Zaeed would be the best-"

"Heh, heh. No." Miranda said.

"Ok, Ms. Lawson. Who would 'you' recommend?"

"Myself, of course." She said. Shepard facepalm'd.

"Ok, I'll admit I walked into that one."

"No way!" Jack said. "I don't trust you for a second, Cheerleader."

"This isn't a popularity contest! Shepard, you need to pick someone with leadership experience that isn't you."

Shepard thought for a moment. "_Who do I know would qualify for this job who couldn't possibly offend anyone else…"_

"I know! I pick Jacob!"

"**Who?**" The rest of the team asked.

"Commander, I'll do my best!" He said, giving a salute.

"Oh, yeah…" Jack said.

"I forgot he was there."

"To be perfectly honest, I thought that was a cardboard cutout."

"We've picked everyone. We'll fight down the doors and meet up. Shepard, any parting words?" Miranda asked.

"Oh. Um… Four Score and Seven years ago…" The rest of the team stared at Shepard.

"I have a Dream, that one day…" The team shook their heads at that notion too.

"Born in a tin shack on the outskirts of One Pine, Jeremy Watson never had it easy. His father worked as a caravan guard on the Short Loop…"

"Commander, no." Jacob said.

Shepard sighed and threw down his index cards he had prepared so thoroughly. He sighed and stared up.

"Ok. No fancy speeches. I will say this. I could try to appeal to your sense of good, but since among us is a psychopathic biotic, an operative who believes the ends justify the means and a mercenary who believes destroying an entire factory to get revenge is justified, I clearly should try something else. These collectors, these monsters have captured our friends, our family and every other human. If they haven't, they will. And it won't be just humans. Krogan, Quarian, Turian, Salarian, Drell and others are all at risk. You're asking yourself, 'why me?'. Because you're the best. And if we don't stop this, humanity is doomed anyway. Fight. Fight for tomorrow. Fight for something. Fight to survive. Simply fight, and we'll make it through this."

Miranda started clapping slowly. Soon after, the rest of the crew clapped as well and cheered.

"Ready? 1…2…3… **Go Team Shepard!"**

* * *

_The Collector Base. Suicide Mission Phase: 1_

Shepard, Miranda and Legion leapt out of the ship while Tali and Jacob lead the other team. They stormed the hive-like base and prepared themselves for the worst.

"EDI!" The Commander said, getting out his Widow-maker. "What's our status?"

"You should be able to fight your way down this linear hallway to get to the point."

"Tali, what's up?"

"It's hot as Kee'lah in here!"

"Jacob?"

"Doing fine so far. We should be able to get through."

"Let's go!" Shepard said, running through the corridor, taking out any Collectors that were in the way. With Legion's Sniper, and Miranda's Warp, Shepard's team was able to get through, with Miranda only dying twice.

"Jacob here. We ran into some trouble along the way, but I'll try to rendezvous with you ASAP."

"I'm stuck." Tali said, being blocked in front of a door.

"Hey, Tali! I see you." Shepard waved.

"Hurry up and open this barrier!"

Shepard did so, only to find a rather inconvenient meter at the bottom.

"What's this, now?"

"That monitors my life-signs." Tali said. "Be sure not to let the meter drop or I die."

"You mean, like die a character death where we move on or a Critical Mission Failure?"

"The Latter..." Tali said, causing Shepard to groan in frustration.

For the most part, Shepard and his team had no trouble fighting through the various Collectors and opening doors for Tali. Until...

"Coming up to door No. 5" Shepard said.

"**Assuming Direct Control."**

"Oh, cheese and rice!" Shepard cried, trying to rush for the vent.

"Shepard, no!" Miranda yelled.

As soon as The Commander released the vent for Tali, he was immediately bombarded by a barrage of fire.

**Critical Mission Failure**

"Son of a Biscuit!" Shepard cursed as he tried again.

This time he took his time and shot all of the enemies. However, he was distracted by one thing.

"Shepard! It's hot! Turn off the valve!"

The Comamnder groaned as he finished whittling down Harbinger's body. He ran for the valve only to-

**Critical Mission Failure**

"This isn't funny anymore!" Shepard cried. "Wait, I know!"

Shepard tried once again, but this time used his clever stealth ability to get to the valve easily. However, when he was going back, he suddenly had trouble.

"What the-? I can't get over this ledge!"

**Critical Mission Failure**

After 17 times, Shepard, finally, defeated all the Collectors and made it to Tali in time.

"Tali, please don't scream in my ear." Shepard groaned as the rest of the team took out the collectors and hit the rest of the release valves.

In a flurry, Tali made it through and opened the door for them.

"Get the door open!" Shepard cried as Jacob's team went running in.

"Seeker Swarm!" He cried, firing them as fast as he could.

"Something's wrong! I can't get this door to shut!" Tali said.

Fortunately, Jacob's team made it in time.

"Cover fire, now!" He said as he and several others held the door long enough for Tali to shut it.

"Nice work, Tali!" Shepard sighed.

"I accidentally had the caps lock on."

"Shepard," Miranda said. "You need to see this..."

The team entered to find several hundreds of pods scattered throughout. They looked around and found bodies, aware.

"Look!" Miranda said. "It's one of the colonists."

"More over here!" Jack said, recognizng the Cerberus crew. Suddenly, the pod started to open and to their horror, they saw the colonist being dissolved.

"Oh snap! Get them out!" Shepard cried, as the team burst through the windows and slowly, steadily got Ms. Chambers, Engineers Daniels and Donnelly and Dr. Chackwas out in time.

"Shepard..." The doctor said. "You came for us."

"_Alright."_ The Commander thought. "_Time to look cool."_

"No Behind gets left one."

Everyone paused to comprehend what Shepard said.

"Anyway..." Kelly began. "You got here just in time. A few more seconds and... I don't want to think about it!"

"The Colonists were dissolved into some kind of... paste." Doctor Chakwas said. "It would've been arousing, if I wasn't fearing for my life..."

"We've done well so far." Miranda said. "Let's hope no one important dies next."

"_Shepard."_ EDI said through the com. "_You should be able to follow those tubes to the source and open a door for your team. However, there are large seeker swarms that Mordin's Countermeasure will not protect you from."_

"What about Biotics?" He said, unthinkingly.

"Yes." Samara said. "It would be sufficient. However, because of Shepard's main character status, we would only be able to take 2 more."

"Shepard." Miranda said. "You need a biotic capable of handling this. Naturally, you should pick me."

"Ok, I pick Jack."

The Cerberus Operative paused. "Did you hear me correctly?"

"Sorry. Waifus win out. Anyway, for the leader of the next team, I pick my good friend Garrus."

"I can kill these guys, right?" The Turian asked.

"Yes, Garrus. Make as many headshots as you like."

"Dammit, I swear I wasn't going to cry!" The Turian said.

"What about us?" Dr. Chakwas said. "We're in no condition to fight."

"_Commander..._" Joker said. "_We have enough systems online to do a pickup. We can make a rendezvous."_

"Shepard!" Miranda cried. "Lives are at stake. Major side character, celebrity voiced lives!"

"We can spare a person, Miranda." Shepard said. "How about Grun-"

He saw Yeoman Chambers shake her head furiously and Engineers Daniels and Donnelly shirk in fear.

"How about Zaeed?"

The Cerberus crew shook their heads.

"...Thane?"

Kelly's quick grasp of the Drell assassin gave Shepard all the information we need.

"Ok, we all have our assignments. Let's go!"

* * *

_Collector Base, Suicide Mission: Phase 2_

Shepard, Miranda and Mordin all walked under Jack's barrier.

"Mine's not nearly so weak..." Miranda said, before Jack accidentally stepped on her foot.

"Let's move, Commander!" She said, as the three walked.

"_Commander..." _ Joker barely said through the com. "_I...breaking up... purple monkey... banana." _

"I knew I should've switched to Verizon..." Shepard sighed as they moved. Slowly but surely, the team moved, only to find the Collectors waiting for them.

"I'll wait here. You shoot the shit out of those bugs!" Jack said. The team quickly neutralized the Collectors and Harbinger's various forms.

"Garrus, you there?"

"_Score one!"_ The Turian said through the com.

"I think he's doing well." Shepard said, as they continued to walk through the swarm.

"**Assuming Direct Control..."** Harbinger said.

"**Don't think you can stop me, Shepard."**

The Commander made quick work, using Mordin's Incinerate and Miranda's Warp to quickly kill them as they appeared. In fact, everything was going fine until...

"Is that a Scion?" Shepard said.

"Are those Exploding Husks?" Miranda asked.

Soon, the crew was overwhelmed, what with the Husks blowing them out of cover and them being covered by a thick blue residue. It wasn't long before

**Critical Mission Failure**

"This... is... annoying..." Shepard said.

After several attempts, they barely got over the Scion with a sliver of life.

"Well, we're doing good so far." Shepard said.

"Commander, no!" Miranda responded.

"What? It's not like a sudden need of tension will rise up and suddenly things are dire for no reason."

"Barrier, weakening..." Jack said.

Mordin and Miranda stared at him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know." He said, as the three of them rushed for the exit. When they made it past a chest high wall, the crew had to stop the Collector swarms from coming in. Miranda took out some, Mordin some more, but things were looking dire. Suddenly, Jack seized up the last ammount of her strength and then...

"KA...ME...HA...ME...HA!"

With a huge Burst of Biotic Power, the Swarms were knocked back.

"That's my Waifu!" Shepard said, only to have Jack punch him in the arm.

"Ow! Why'd you"

"What did I say about using that word?"

"But-"

"**What'd I say?**"

"Don't" Shepard said, dejectedly. The team rushed, only to hear from Garrus.

"Shepard! Running out of High-Caliber Rounds! Where are you!"

"Get this door open!" Shepard screamed as the door slid open, gunfire rushing in. As they closed the door, a bullet hit Garrus in the gut. The Commander inspected it and The Turian smiled.

"Now that's good plot armor." Garrus said, as Shepard gave a smirk and the rest entered in.

"Joker, how's the crew?"

"_Dr. Chakwas and the rest of the crew are all here, Commander..."_

"_Thane's Team arrived. No Casualties."_

"Excellent." Miranda said. "EDI, what's our next step?"

"_There should be platforms that should allow you to get to the source of the base. There, you should be able to plant the bomb."_

"_Uhh... Commander, we've got a problem. There's a bunch of Collectors massing outside the door."_

Shepard stared at the team. "I'll need to pick 2 to go with me while the rest defend this door."

He signaled to Miranda and Samara.

"Any last words?" She asked.

"We're almost there, guys. If we win this, I'm taking you all to Disneyworld. Not Disneyland. Not Disney's California Adventure. Disneyworld. Where you can go to the Epcot Center and get alcohol. Where Walt Disney envisoned his work before some bigwigs thought EuroDisney was a good idea. And they'll be cake. And Ham. And wonderful things all around. Do it for Disneyworld."

"Umm..." Miranda stared. "That was... inspiring. Let's go!"

The Platform lifted off as the three went in, guns blazing to fight the Collectors. They fought off the first swarms with ease, but were shocked as they encountered more and more enemies.

"**Shepard, I'm getting seriously pissed off."** Harbinger said.

The Commander ignored this and kept attacking through their ranks. Platform after platform, Collector after Collector, the trio fought their way until there were no enemies left.

"_Shepard, if you take the central platform, it should take you to the location of the massive energy base. My goodness. Shepard, they are building a Reaper."_

"Not just any Reaper..." Shepard said, staring at the monstrosity. "A Human Reaper."

The Trio stood still and looked at each other.

"Wait," Shepard said, looking through the script. "Well... that was anti-climactic..."

"It looks like that robot from one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's movies?" Miranda said. "What was it?"

"Junior?"

"That's it."

"_According to my readings, the Reapers is in a Fetal stage of development. The tubes of human_ _liquid were used to fuel it."_

"This thing is a copyright lawsuit waiting to happen!" The Commander said. "EDI! Give me a way to blow this thing to heck!"

"_The tubes connecting the Reaper are a structural weakness. You should be able to shoot them down and the Reaper will fall."_

"What a convenient design flaw…" Shepard said. "I suppose we'll have to find some way to open them, right?"

"_No. The tubes will be exposed after you destroy a wave."_

"…Should I be questioning this?" The Commander said.

"Best not." Miranda replied.

And so, the three fired at the relatively obvious weak points until the structure fell. Shepard took a breath, and checked in.

"Ground team. What's your position?"

"_Jack here." _The Biotic said over the com. "_We're getting shot to shit here! Get your tight ass over here!"_

"Aww… I love you too, honey."

"_Godammit!" _

"I mean- Head to the Normandy. I'm going to set the bomb now."

Shepard, taking the ordinents they took with them, prepared the bomb to blow.

"_Commander, I'm getting a signal from the Illusive Man. You might want to hear this."_

Miranda opened up her Omni-tool as Martin Sheen appeared.

"_Shepard, you've done the impossible"_

"Don't worry; I'm going to blast this place to bits after I finish taping Batman and Robin to Wild, Wild West."

"_Shepard, I have another proposal. If you were to set a nuclear device instead, the bomb would explode killing all the Collectors. But leaving the Base intact. This is our chance, Shepard. The Reapers were using this as a Weapon. It's time to turn the tables."_

"Well, too bad, Mr. The Illusive Man!" The Commander replied. "I didn't bring a nuke with me!"

"Um… Shepard…." Miranda said, holding a green disc with her.

"Well, even if I have a nuclear option, I'm not going to do it! They liquefy people here!"

"_Shepard, when I revived you, people said I was crossing the line. But look at you! You've taken down the Collector base. The resources from that facility can protect humanity from the Reapers, from anything!"_

Shepard coughed. "What part of 'they liquefy people here' didn't you understand?"

"_Shepard, don't make a mistake. You'll be throwing away millions of human lives!"_

The Commander shook his head. "We'll fight and win without it. I won't let fear compromise who I am."

"_Miranda!"_ The Illusive Man said, turning to her. "_Don't let Shepard destroy the base!"_

"Or what? You'll fire me next?" The Cerberus Operative said.

"_I gave you an order, Miranda!"_

"I noticed. Consider this my resignation." She said, cutting the signal.

"Miranda… thank you!" Shepard said. "That was awfully big-faced of you."

"My face is big?" She cried out, as the Commander sighed and prepared the bomb.

"Ok, let's get out of here while there's still time and-"

A massive roar came from below as the Human…. Reaper… Fetus attacked the trio.

"Quick, kill it!" Samara said for the first time since joining the trio.

As Shepard fired at the monstrosity, he was surprised to find the creature ducking and weaving.

"Oh no!" Miranda cried out. "It's using the cover system we stole…err, I mean 'tributed' to Gears of War!"

(**A/N:** Please don't sue Cliffy B.)

"That's it, I'm finishing this!" Shepard said, taking out the M-9000 Cain and firing a tactical nuke at the monstrosity and destroying it. The creature reeled in pain, only to take out a chunk of the platform with it. Miranda quickly fell back as Shepard reached for her and caught her just as she was about to fall off. The platforms went out of control and Shepard lost consciousness.

* * *

Shepard woke up in a daze, to find a steel girder on him. Using his Main Character strength he lifted it away and cleared the Debris for Miranda and Samara.

"_Shepard, come in Shepard. Do you read?" _

"No. I listen to the audiobooks…. Wait, Joker! Did everyone make it?"

"Mordin's dead, sir."

A silence filled the air.

"What?"

"Mordin is dead."

Suddenly, something cold and bubbily filled up the Commander's soul. His face went from disbelief to a quiet rage…"

(**A/N:** Commander Shepard is about to use some naughty, naughty language. If you are reading this and under the age of 18, you should be ashamed of yourself…)

"That is some **fucking bullshit! I spent all that time and all those fucking resources to prepare the ship to make it and you're telling me Mordin dies. Fucking bullshit!"**

"I told you he was doing Jack." Miranda whispered to Samara.

"**And now I have to play a shitty hybrid of Call of Duty with Kinect features without my Salarian scientist? Damn youse, EA! Damn youse!"**

"_Sir, you won't believe this; Mordin just came back to life!"_

**Achievement unlocked-** **75Gs: You happy now, you big whiner?"**

"Oh, thank god. Quickly, everyone. Let's get the heck out of here!"

The trio ran for the ship as Harbinger chased him.

"**You have changed nothing, human. Your species fights against the inevitable."**

The door arrived to reveal Joker, firing a machine gun at the Collectors. The trio ran for it as Miranda and Samara made it to the pod. Shepard sprinted as fast as he could and leapt for the bay, unsure whether he would make it…

"_Did I leave the stove on?"_ Shepard thought as he looked at the ledge. He barely caught on as Miranda pulled him up. They entered the ship as Joker ran inside.

"_Preparing Mass Effect drive in 5…4…3…"_

"Just hurry up, EDI!" Joker yelled as the Normandy outran one of the largest explosions ever put into a video game.

* * *

_Somewhere in Paramount Studios…_

"Damn…" said Michael Bay.

* * *

_Back in Collector space…_

The Normandy, in the brink of time, escaped the explosion and made it back to home base.

* * *

_Normandy, CIC…._

Commander Shepard went into the conference room. He lifted a girder away and opened the com channel to find an rather disgruntled Martin Sheen.

"You're beginning to cost me time and money, Shepard."

"Sorry, can't hear you. Getting a lot of bullshit on this line." Shepard replied.

"Do you realize you've cost millions of lives today? How else are we going to prepare for the Reapers?"

Shepard shook his head. "I don't take orders from you anymore! We're going to fight the Reapers and we're going to win, you better believe it!"

"Don't you walk out on me Shepard!"

But Shepard did, as the Illusive Man was all alone, stewing in his anger, calculating.

"Why the hell did my lava lamp turn blue all of a sudden?"

* * *

_Somewhere in space…_

A single ship flew through the stars, slowly being repaired. Inside, the crew worked diligently to get things back in order. And there, stood a man as he walked through the corridor. He wasn't the smartest man, he wasn't the bravest and he wasn't the most tragic. But, he was there, ready to face anything. He looked at his team, ready for the next challenge as his pilot handed him a dossier. He stared at a window and saw the invading force of the Reapers as they came out of Dark Space.

Who was this man? His name was Michael "Monkey" Donavon Shepard, and he was humanity's last hope until the next game arrived.

Until then, it was party time.

Because War, War never changes.

And so, the credits rolled with the soundtrack playing again.

"Wait. That's it?" Shepard said. "At least play a good song this time…"

"_Invaders Must Die!"_

(**A/N:** And so, Commander Shepard was victorious yet again. But the greatest challenge has yet to arrive? Can Commander Shepard master the Kinect and Call of Duty in time for the Reapers? Find out next time, in another exciting tale in

**Mass Effect 3: The Finale that Needed to be Parodied!"**)

"Oh, no, no, no!" Shepard said. "I am not going through this again!"

(**Final Thoughts:** So, yeah. I'm sorry I took so long to finish this thing. With Real Life, money and SW:TOR coming out, I was literally swamped. I had to cut so much out of this in order to make it before the deadline. I'll probably never do another one of these again, since this one took so much out of me. I will say that I'm enjoying SW:TOR a lot and as for the ME3 demo, let's hope they fix it enough for us Biodrones. I'm not a big fan of those 2 dialogue choice trees instead of 3.

Until then, Keep Writing!)


End file.
